


Crack of Sunlight

by PorcelainRose



Series: Crack of Sunlight [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Eventual Fluff, Flashbacks, M/M, Minor Character Death, Recreational Drug Use, Relapsing, Self-Harm, ereri, riren - Freeform, rivaere - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 16:50:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 106,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5382992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PorcelainRose/pseuds/PorcelainRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi has been a heroin junkie for years, trying to escape the hellish reality that is his life and memories, seeing no other way out. Already hopelessly bound within the deepest crevices of addiction, along comes Eren, a bright-eyed naïve teenager who has his own struggles yet somehow believes he can help Levi to be saved from himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> As said in the description, this fic is really dark (if you couldn't tell from the tags). I've honestly been very hesitant to post this here (it's already on wattpad, and I was hesitant to post it there, too, haha). But I've decided to give it a try and see how it goes. Whether or not I continue with this depends you guys, honestly...if you like it, I'll be more than happy to shovel chapters at you (I can literally do that; it's finished lol) and mess with all your feels. Idk. I'm sorry I'm so insecure about it. Hopefully people like it and that stops being a thing, haa.

_My name is Eren Jaeger and I'm in love with a heroin junkie._

_Sounds stupid, right? Who would, or could love a drug addict? They're liars, thieves, criminals. Drugs are the opposite of attractive. Withdrawal symptoms were even less attractive - and believe me, I've seen plenty of those to know._

_Love is stupid, too. Someone wise once told me, "Love knows no bounds." Now I understand what she meant._

_Somewhere among the long nights spent in the bathroom, the cold sweats and several relapses, I found myself unable to walk away from the raven-haired fool._

_Maybe it was his determination. Maybe it was the way he tucked his head securely under my chin as we fell asleep late at night, on the rare occasion we were able to sleep in the bed rather than on the bathroom floor. Maybe it was his strength or that adorable, constant wrinkle between his eyebrows...maybe it was all of the above. Maybe it was just him - his soul, his mind, his personality...I'm really unsure of what caused it, but I am sure that I love him unconditionally and eternally._

*~Levi~*

I won't forget the first time I saw him. No amount of anything could erase that memory from my brain, except maybe death. Maybe.

He had sauntered into the shop looking for a job. He claimed he was no artist, but had good management skills. The owner and my boss, Reiner Braun, interviewed him and hired him on the spot. Yes, it was that easy for him. Everything seemed to be that easy for him all the time. I hated him for it.

I remember what he wore, too. A black hoodie with two guys on it standing on the word "Supernatural", sinfully tight black skinny jeans, and black slip on Vans. His chocolate brown hair was tousled in a way I couldn't help but find adorable.

His eyes, though - they caught my attention first. They were bright and lively, a beautiful shade of turquoise that made me think of the ocean.

I was in the middle of tattooing a snake on some girl's leg when he walked in. Before he could catch me staring, however, my monster kicked me internally and told me to get back to work.

As I finished up the outline, my monster whispered, "He's unfairly attractive." And he was. Like I said, everything was easy for him.

I was almost never sober anymore. I couldn't go longer than maybe half an hour with my monster before the symptoms started. Cold sweat and itching, mostly, but the longer I waited, the more my body protested and eventually, I'd throw up, even if there wasn't much in my stomach.

I couldn't neglect my monster. It was part of me, bound to me by body and mind. The syringe, I found, was my only friend anymore. Even my sister had gotten tired of me. We were supposed to be roommates, but she only ever stopped in to "make sure I'm still alive" or pick something up. I lost count of how many times she told me to get my shit together and I'd neglected to do so. She didn't know the extent of my damnation, though...no one did.

Whatever. Alex can fuck off. I don't give a shit.

...

Not even my monster was capable of erasing that memory of him from my brain. I admit, the kid fascinated me, but there was no use trying to talk to him. He was a naïve little shit, that much was easy to tell by just laying eyes on him.

I learned his name quickly. It was Eren. Little did I know at the time, that name would be the key to my salvation.


	2. *~Chapter One~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few people said they wanted to read this so I figure, hey, why not? It's kinda hard to decide from just a prologue, anyway. So here's the first chapter. ._.

The heavenly scent of garlic and tomato sauce happily greeted Eren's sensitive nose as he stepped through the threshold of his house and out of the frigid outside air.

"Where have you been?" mumbled his sister around a mouth full of apple as she emerged from the kitchen.

"Hello to you, too," Eren muttered, kicking his soaked shoes off. "And I was looking for a job."

"Again? Don't you think if someone was gonna hire you, they would've done so by now?" She plopped down onto the couch.

"Yeah, and that's why they did," the male shot back, already annoyed by her attitude. "Where's mom?"

"Kitchen."

The little brat didn't even seem to notice what he'd said. Whatever.

Eren sauntered into the kitchen - the source of the heavenly garlic smell - to find his mother chopping mushrooms and sliding them into the steaming pot of spaghetti sauce from the cutting board. She was oblivious to him entering the kitchen, so he took advantage of the opportunity and snuck up behind her. Gently grabbing her shoulders, he shouted, "Bah!" Not so surprisingly, she didn't so much as flinch, but grinned.

"Nice try, hon," she said.

The brunet sighed, pretending to be disappointed. "You're unscarable."

She winked at him and moved to put the rest of the mushrooms in the sauce.

"After years of your father pulling stunts like that, I've gotten used to it," she explained.

"Dad did that?"

"All the time. How did job hunting go?"

Before picking a grape off the stem from the basket on the table and popping it in his mouth, Eren said, "Great for once. I found one."

Carla turned, eyebrows raised. "Did you? Where?"

Around another grape, he mumbled, "That tattoo shop a few miles north of here. I went in for an application and the owner interviewed me instead and hired me on the spot."

Carla turned, evidently a bit suspicious with an eyebrow just slightly raised in his direction. "Eren, no offense, but you're a terrible artist, how-"

Eren chuckled. "No, no, I'm not an artist. I'm just an assistant. I'm supposed to help keep things organized and stuff."

Relief replaced the mild suspicion on the woman's face. "Oh good. Go tell your sister to wash up. Dinner's almost ready."

"Kay." Eren popped one last grape between his lips as he exited the kitchen. Mikasa was still lounging on the couch, mesmerized by the television as she absently fidgeted with the apple core. The elder teen snatched a pillow off of the reclining chair as he passed and chucked it at her, calling, "Get ready to eat."

The girl was broken out of her reverie by the pillow hitting her right in the face. Her fingers clamped around the apple core as she turned to glare at her brother, but he was already halfway up the stairs, chortling at her expression as he went.

At dinner, Carla opened up to speak about something Eren had feared from the minute he was hired at the tattoo shop. As soon as she opened her mouth, he knew what was coming and sighed internally.

"Eren, I'm so glad you managed to find a job after looking for so long. I just want you to be extra careful. A lot of bad things can happen around or in places like those..."

"Places like what?" Mikasa asked. She'd been trying to kick Eren under the table as payback for him chucking the pillow at her - unbeknownst to Carla - but was so far unsuccessful.

"Tattoo shops," verified Carla.

Laughter erupted from the girl's throat; she sputtered up her milk. "Eren a tattoo artist? Good one. He can't even draw a stick figure."

Eren glared in his sister's direction. "Like you're any better, Mikasa. I'm not gonna be an artist or anything. I'm just an assistant," he spat.

As she slurped a noodle between her lips, she held her hands up in surrender.

"Anyway, hon, as I was saying," Carla continued, ignoring their banter, "I need you to be careful. I'm not saying I have anything against tattoos or people who have them, but places like that have something of a reputation for getting tangled up with the law. I trust you, but I don't necessarily trust them. If you feel something is off - anything at all - I want you to get out of there."

Eren gave her a sweet, reassuring smile despite his mild internal annoyance. "You don't need to worry, Mom. I'm not an oblivious little kid anymore. I know how to be careful."

Carla's soft hand covered her son's on the table as she returned the smile. "I know you do, but I'm your mom and worrying is my job. I'm just reminding you." She finally turned her attention back to her dinner. "By the way, when do you start?"

"Tomorrow."

"So soon?"

"Yeah. They really need help already."

"What about school?"

"Reiner said they'll work around that schedule. I have it all worked out, Mom. Don't worry about any of it."

"How much they paying you?" Mikasa piped up.

"Twelve an hour to start."

Mikasa's jaw dropped. "Already?! That seems like a lot."

Eren half-shrugged nonchalantly. "Hey, I'm not arguing with it."

"It's pretty good, Eren. Now you two, finish eating and get started on your homework."

Two hours of on and off studying later, Eren passed out, fully clothed, on his bed. He was awoken by the annoying buzzing of his nearly dead phone on the table next to him. Groggily, he rolled over and picked it up to see a text from Armin.

|Where are you?|

Suddenly, the brunet became aware of the time. 8:17 AM. 'Shit, I'm late,' he thought irritably. He shot his friend a quick reply.

|Slept late. Be there b4 math.|

With that, he plugged his phone in and rolled out of bed. The cold shower and hot cup of coffee did almost nothing to chase the sleepiness out of his body. He found himself dragging his feet as he shuffled past his mom and out the door, calling out a goodbye.

He perked up throughout the day, especially telling his friends about his new job. They had mixed opinions about it, but Eren was glad to be helping his mom out. Near the end of his last class, he found himself nibbling on his nails out of nervousness for his first day of work.

Upon walking in, greeted by the antiseptic-like smell and buzzing noise of a tattoo machine, he noticed the scene before him to be quite the same as the previous day. Reiner Braun, the owner, was nowhere to be seen, though two of the artists were so busy at work they didn't even seem to notice Eren's entrance. He stood there awkwardly for a minute, unsure of what to do until Reiner appeared from the back doorway.

"Hey, you made it! That's fantastic!" he said in a cool tone through a casual grin.

While the female artist in the back continued her work on tattooing something on someone's butt, - yes, his butt - the other, smaller male looked up. Eren paid neither of them any attention; his mind was set on getting to work.

"Well yeah. I'm not really one to flake out on work," he admitted. "Especially on the first day."

"Cool. Well, uh here, introductions." The large blond man gestured to the red-headed female to his left who was still hard at work on the guy's butt. "This is Petra."

At the sound of her name, the redhead looked up. She gave a pleasant smile and a soft "hello" upon seeing the new addition to the room. She was kind of cute, Eren decided, though not in a way where he'd want to take her out, but rather in the way he found his little sister cute. It felt weird, seeing as this girl was likely quite a bit older than him, but he didn't have time to analyze that as Reiner was gesturing to the other male to his right.

"And this is Levi."

This one, too, had gone back to his work and elected to look up once he heard the sound of his name. Immediately, the teen felt something stir within him as his eyes met the stormy gray ones from across the room. It was strange and foreign and he quickly smothered it. The two studied each other for a split second; in that instant, Eren noticed his raven-black hair all flopped onto one side of his head - clearly a Mohawk. He noted narrow, slate gray eyes beneath dark, thin brows - the right one pierced with a simple silver spike; his long, straight nose fitting his almost delicate features perfectly; the two small metal studs in the center of his lower lip; several piercings in his ears and, lastly, the almost impossibly pale shade of his skin. Eren hadn't the time to perceive anything further before the artist mumbled "sup" in a surprisingly deep voice and went back to coloring a snake on the thigh of a girl who had seemingly dozed off.

"Petra, Levi, this is Eren," Reiner continued. Said teen said his own hello, though he got the feeling neither of the artists were paying any attention to him. "They're two of three artists we have working here at this point," the owner explained. "The third is myself. Come on, let's get started." The tall blond man who, other than his face, seemed to be completely covered in ink, waved Eren back through the doorway he'd emerged from. Eren followed quietly as Reiner spoke.

"Right now I haven't had much time to be giving anyone any ink myself because I've been busy cleaning up this mess." He pushed aside a curtain of plastic to reveal a room that looked more like a mobile home park after an F5 class tornado hit. There were boxes of different supplies scattered and spilled everywhere there should've been floor.

"Holy sh-" Eren began, but stopped himself.

Reiner only laughed. "Holy shit, right? I know, it's pretty bad. Remember that earthquake that hit a couple months ago? This is the after effects of that, at least back here. We finally finished refurbishing the shop itself two weeks ago and started business back up again. That was the priority, so we haven't worked on this mess yet. If I want to keep business up, I'm gonna have to work myself, too, so that's where you come in."

"Don't you have insurance...?"

Reiner's cheery attitude faded a bit and he rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but they would only cover the shop itself. Said it wasn't as bad back here, I guess. 'Hire someone else to take care of this'," muttered Reiner in a mocking voice. "Well, I took their advice and here you are. Sorry I didn't tell you about this mess yesterday. I was afraid that if I did, you wouldn't take the job." The large man smiled in mild guilt. "Probably not the best move on my part."

"No worries," replied Eren, cracking his knuckles for good measure. "I can handle."

Reiner laughed loudly, leaving Eren's eardrums ringing. 'Note to self: never stand too close to Reiner; he's _loud_ ,' he thought.

"That's good to hear." He got to work demonstrating how to repackage the supplies, how to seal them back up and where to put them once finished.

"Got it?" he asked once his explanation was over.

"Piece of cake," said Eren.

"Sure, till you get bored," joked Reiner.

"No worries," said Eren again with a smirk, pulling his neatly wrapped headphones from the pocket of his _Supernatural_ hoodie. "It can't get too boring if I've got music."

Reiner playfully smacked Eren's shoulder and said, "I'll leave you to it, then. You can take a break in an hour or so."

Eren nodded and watched Reiner leave; his shoulder still throbbed from Reiner's enormous hand smacking it. He rubbed it, stuffed his headphones in and hit 'shuffle' on one of his favorite artists - Imagine Dragons - and got to work.

Repackaging tattoo supplies turned out to be easy and mindless once he memorized the order to put them in the boxes. He got into a groove of sorts with his music as he organized the boxes he'd worked on in the corner.

He didn't even here the, "Oi, brat," coming from the doorway until his left headphone was yanked out. His head snapped up to find Levi standing next to him, headphone dangling between his slender fingers. As Eren's own turquoise eyes met Levi's semi-annoyed gray ones, he felt the same strange stirring within him as before.

Ignoring it, he mumbled, "Sorry. What's up?"

"Tch. I finished tattooing if you want some help."

At first, Eren was going to decline. He enjoyed the mindless activity; it gave him time alone with his thoughts, but as he looked up at Levi, some unknown force inside of him made him say, "Sure, thanks."

The raven let the headphone slip from his fingers as he sunk to the floor next to the brunet and began packaging the boxes. Awkwardness hung heavier in the air than the silence as they worked. Eren wracked his brain for something to say, to break the uneasiness.

"Was um...was Petra tattooing that guy's ass?" he asked. 'Really, Eren? _That's_ what you think of to ask?' He inwardly slapped himself.

"Yes. Is that weird to you or something?" inquired the artist.

"A little," Eren admitted. "Can't that get infected easily?"

"Any tattoo can get easily infected regardless of location," Levi explained. It was at that point in which his nails began raking up and down his arms or his legs every so often. Eren hadn't missed the shakiness of his entire demeanor, either, especially when it came to his fingers as he packaged boxes. Still, he chose to ignore it.

"How many tattoos do you have?" Eren blurted, almost desperate to keep the conversation going and the awkwardness at bay.

"Eight."

That was easy to believe despite only part of one being visible. It was an ornate pattern of roses tattooed on the left side of Levi's neck, disappearing below his shirt. They were big, the color of blood. The vines decorated with thorns - part that wrapped up around his ear, particularly - were thin and intricate. The lines were smooth and impeccable.

For the most part, Eren's eyes had been focused solely on his work until that point, so he allowed himself to more closely observe the small man sitting just feet away and get a closer, more intimate look at him. Levi was thin, and ridiculously so - his cheekbones and eye sockets stuck out more prominently than it seemed natural beneath his alabaster complexion. Darkish circles surrounded his narrow gray eyes, giving him a sickly appearance. He'd be handsome, Eren decided, if it weren't for these features. No, he was already handsome, though those flaws did well in distorting that.

Eren tore his eyes away from Levi who, thankfully, didn't seem to pick up on his staring. Hastily, he reverted his attention back to organizing supplies, feeling a bit on edge.

"So, what got you into tattooing?" he asked in a strangely higher pitched voice than normal, desperate to make conversation and lighten the weight of his discomfort, if only a little. His heart was pounding so relentlessly against his ribs, he'd be damned if Levi couldn't hear it. This sudden rush of adrenaline he seemed to get as soon as Levi walked into the room was nearly unfathomable; try as he might, he couldn't ignore it.

"I was fifteen," Levi stated plainly. "I had some friends in high school who said I'd make a good artist, so I tried it out, found I like it, here I am."

Eren couldn't help feeling there was more to the story but decided against asking any further questions. For some reason, as they talked, he found he cared what this guy thought of him, though he normally wouldn't.

Between that, his adrenaline rush and his heart thudding mercilessly against his poor ribcage, he had a strong notion there was something much more to the reason he'd been hired there on the spot, more to Levi volunteering to help with the mess that was the back room, just something _more_ , and it had to do with Levi. What, he did not know, but he felt determined to find out.

'Okay, get your shit together, Eren,' he told himself. 'He's just your co-worker. It's not like he's your soul mate or anything, jeez. Calm your balls.'

"What about you, brat? Why are you here?"

"Me?" Eren asked, startled by the sudden question.

Levi rolled his gray eyes. "No, the other brat in the room," he muttered.

"Oh. Um. My mom...she's unable to work...and my dad died a few years ago. We need the extra money, so..."

"Why can't your mom work?"

"Psychological issues."

The flash of a grin flickered across Levi's face so quickly, the brunet wasn't sure if he'd imagined it or not.

"I know how that is," the raven murmured. The tiniest hint of sadness crossed his features and his fingers shook even more as he attempted to seal the box he'd been organizing. He was having difficulties, so Eren wordlessly reached over to lend his assistance. He was hyper aware of the warm sensation that crawled up his arm as their fingers brushed accidentally.

"Thanks," mumbled Levi.

"Sure. But hey, are you okay?"

Levi scratched at his thighs, keeping his eyes away from the teen's. "Fine. I should get going." Swiftly, he pulled himself to his feet. Eren followed suit, suddenly realizing how small Levi really was. He must've been three or four inches shorter than the teen at least.

Before Eren could stare much longer, Levi turned on his heel and stalked out of the room, running a shaky hand through his unruly black hair. Eren stared anyway, wondering what the hell was with the strange feeling in the pit of his stomach was as he stared at Levi's back.

He stumbled to follow the short man into the main part of the shop. To his surprise, the sun had completely disappeared below the western horizon, no doubt causing the already frigid outside air to be even lower in temperature.

"Hey, Eren," Reiner greeted from his own tattoo area from the front corner of the store. "How'd it go?"

"The brat's probably more organized than I am," Levi answered for him as he collected a leather jacket from the coat rack next to the door.

To that, Reiner's brows shot up. "Damn, really?"

"Hn, not quite. Anyway, I'm out of here. Later," said the short one as he exited the building without a backwards glance.

"What's with him?" Eren couldn't help but ask, eyes still fixed on the glass of the front door where the chain still swayed.

"Levi? Don't worry about him. He seems pretty unapproachable at first, and believe me, he is. I still have a hard time talking to him." Reiner chuckled. "But don't worry. He's really a pretty good guy. A neat freak, if you couldn't tell." Reiner gestured in the direction of Levi's work area, which was, of course, spotless. "He's an incredible artist, too." Reiner continued to point out some of the artwork hanging around. A lot of it was pretty gruesome and depressing. Strangely it, too, stirred something within the brunet teen. It was, however, incredible as Reiner put it. One that truly stuck out to him was a pair of battered hands cupping an anatomically correct heart. Unsurprisingly, the hands were bloodied. The heart itself was worn out and torn in places. There were stitches, too, though they'd given out and were unraveling.

What struck Eren the most, however, was the syringe plunged deeply into the heart. It was labeled with nothing more than a thick black X.

Eren stared and stared at it, wondering what the hell it meant other than the obvious thing. Levi didn't strike him as the type of guy to be depressed or anything, but one, he'd barely met the guy and two, some people were really good at masking depression. Eren should know, he'd been there himself once before.

"How recent is this?" Eren murmured, drawing closer to the piece of art.

"A few months I think," answered Reiner as he was closing up the shop. "Why?"

"Only wondering." Eren tore his teal gaze from the drawing and headed toward the door Reiner held open for him, fidgeting with his car keys inside of his pocket.

"Yeah, Levi's got a dark mind that I can't help but wonder about sometimes. But I try not to think too much into it. Anyway, Eren, thanks a lot for your help. Tomorrow same time, yeah?"

"Sure," Eren said with a semi-forced smile. "Have a good night."

"You too, man."

As Eren drove home, he couldn't seem to get the image of Levi's drawing out of his head, nor the way the artist's hands had been shaking and the way he was scratching at himself. He couldn't he shake the feeling both it and the man himself gave him, either. A phantom sensation lingered in his gut. Forcing himself to ignore it, he turned his music up and hummed along all the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think and if you want me to continue with this~  
> (And I'm not even going to lie, I hate the beginning of this fic up until like, chapter 5 or 6. ._. I wrote it over a year ago and it kinda sucks. But ehh.)


	3. *~Chapter Two~*

Upon waking the next morning - late, of course - the phantom feeling had all but vanished. Much to Eren's confusion, he'd dreamt about his raven-haired coworker, though he had no memory of the events of the dream.

He groaned and rolled out of bed, continually mentally slapping himself for thinking so much about it. He wanted nothing more than to rid himself of the strange sensation, the foreign path his thoughts seemed to take leading towards Levi.

Why was that even happening? He'd only just met the guy, barely knew a thing about him and had absolutely no reason to feel anything toward him the way he was. Maybe if he just ignored it and forced his mind to think of other things, it would go away.

"Good morning, Eren!" sang a very cheerful Christa as she skipped up to her brunet friend, Ymir in tow.

"Hey, Christa," Eren mumbled past a yawn. "Where's everyone else?"

"In the dining hall, where you should've been ten minutes ago," Ymir muttered as she slipped her hand into Christa's.

"Shit, it's the second Wednesday!" Eren exclaimed in sudden realization.

"Duh," Ymir said and then clicked her tongue in disapproval.

On the second Wednesday of every month, Eren and his friends made plans to have breakfast together in the dining hall before school and catch up - on homework, on gossip, on each other's lives, it didn't matter. They didn't always have time to spend together due to classes and homework and jobs, so they made this deal in order to stay close.

"So then where are you guys going?" Eren asked the couple, changing his direction toward the dining hall.

"That, my friend, is none of your business," said Ymir, winking down at Christa and causing a wild blush to break out across her face.

Eren rolled his eyes and with a muttered 'whatever', headed into the building. Sure enough, his group of friends were all gathered around their usual table chattering away. He moved to his usual spot between Armin and Jean, apologizing.

"Oversleep again?" asked Armin.

"Yeah," answered Eren. "Started work after school yesterday and I didn't have time to study until I got home. Ended up falling asleep at about midnight."

Armin shook his blond head in disapproval. "Studying is important, Eren, but not as important as sleep. You need to take care of yourself."

Eren brushed off his friend's concern. "Yeah, yeah. So Ymir and Christa snuck off to make out and whatnot, huh?"

Jean rolled his eyes. "Probably. Freaking lesbians..."

"Oh, Jean," Sasha said in that patronizing tone of hers. "Don't act like you're not just as homo as they are." She tilted her head in the direction of Marco who was busy filling his plate at the breakfast bar. No one missed the reddening of the tips of Jean's ears as Sasha winked.

"I don't even know what you're talking about," the silver-haired horse-face mumbled with downcast eyes.

"Just admit it, Kirstein. You have a thing for Freckled Jesus over there," teased Connie, equally as patronizing.

"Shut up, buzz cut! Only if you admit you have a thing for Potato Girl over here." Jean jabbed his thumb in Sasha's direction. Her eyes grew remarkably wide as she, too, became red in the cheeks.

"Jeez, I ask one question and half the table ends up blushing so hard they're gonna get nosebleeds," Eren said with a mildly amused snort.

"Yeah, but good luck getting Arlert over here to blush," interjected Connie once more.

"Me?" Armin looked genuinely surprised. "I have no reason to blush."

"Aw come on, Armin, you've gotta have someone you've got your eye on," teased Jean as Marco finally joined them.

Armin crossed his arms almost sassily. "Why would an aromantic have their eye on someone?" he said, matter of fact.

"Oh. Well, um," Jean stammered. "I didn't know. Sorry, Armin."

"It's alright. Eren, aren't you going to eat?"

Eren had partially zoned out as his friends had their conversation. The sound of his name snapped his attention back to the present and he mumbled stupidly, "Huh?"

Armin gestured at his own nearly empty plate. "Breakfast. Are you going to have some?"

Eren glanced in the direction of the breakfast bar that was already being cleaned up. "Guess not. Oh well."

"What are you daydreaming about, Jaeger?" asked Connie with a smirk.

"Nothing," said Eren a bit too quickly. "Just tired." Fortunately, they seemed to buy his excuse.

"So you got a job, huh?" Sasha asked around a mouthful of, typically, potatoes. "Where?"

Eren proceeded to explain his place of employment to his friends who hadn't been there the previous day when he broke the news. They seemed genuinely interested.

"Ohh, Reiner Braun? I've seen his work," Marco piped up finally. "He's incredible. My older cousin had work done by him. She got it two years ago but it still looks fresh to this day."

"Yeah, and you should see some of the stuff the other artists do," Eren said, thinking solely of Levi's heart drawing. "Their stuff's hung up all over the shop."

"Would it be cool if we checked it out sometime?" asked Connie.

"I don't see why not," replied Eren, glancing at the clock on the far wall. "Armin and I gotta get going guys. Class starts in five." He began collecting his things and stood up. Armin followed his lead and they waved their goodbyes before heading up to class.

"How's your sister?" the smaller blond asked on the way.

"Same as ever," Eren muttered. "Annoying and bratty."

"And your mom?"

"She's definitely hanging in there. She made killer spaghetti last night...but I did something that reminded her of Dad, and I feel kinda guilty about that even though she didn't seem upset about it. She just changed the subject really quick."

"I can't imagine what it's like to have lost someone you loved like that," Armin said quietly.

"Neither can I," Eren said, suddenly understanding his mother's need to avert the conversation away from the subject. "Anyway, she's fine. How about your family?"

"We're doing well," Armin said briefly. That was all he had time to say as the two had arrived in class.  
Throughout the day, Eren realized he couldn't have been more wrong in trying to forget the strange feeling by ignoring it and focusing on other things. It constantly followed him around no matter how hard he tried to focus on lessons or work or anything else at all.

The rest of the week followed suit, as did his dreams. Each time he was around Levi - who seemed to conveniently have enough free time to help Eren clean things up - these sensations only seemed to get stronger, more intense. Eren found there was no way to smother or ignore them and it freaked him out a bit.

Outside of that, however, he found he really liked his coworkers. Petra was pretty quiet, but when she did speak, she always had something interesting or important to say. What surprised the teen most about her was her lack of tattoos. She had none to speak of on any skin she exposed, though it wasn't like she ever showed much off. Her nose was pierced, but that was all. There was something calming about her presence, Eren found, as she'd volunteered an hour of her help in the back. It was quite the opposite of Levi, but Eren strangely found he anticipated the rush he got from Levi more than the calm of Petra's presence.

Reiner turned out to be totally chill and easygoing. If Eren was late (which only happened once, and it was by a mere five minutes), he brushed it off like it was nothing. Eren also felt he wasn't getting the back room cleaned efficiently enough, but Reiner told him there was no rush whatsoever. The teen decided he liked his boss.

Inevitably, the raven-haired tattoo artist and the teen ended up learning things about each other as they shared their time organizing tattoo supplies. Levi wasn't the most open person, but he wasn't completely closed off from the world, either. He told Eren about his sister Alex who, thanks to him, was now engaged to Reiner. The only other family information he offered up was that his mother had died several years ago. The brief family story was among other things, such as a vague story of his school life when he attended, how he found the shop to work at, and his art. He'd found his artistic talent when he was fairly young and actually found a tattoo machine around the age of fifteen among his mother's old belongings buried in boxes of decrepit things in their storage shed.

"Being as fascinated with needles as I was, I decided to clean it and hook it up. It worked...so I found a connection and got some ink and practiced. In the end, that led me here," he'd explained.

As they spoke, learning things about each other - sharing stories and talking for long periods of time with nothing better to do as they worked, Eren found himself to be fascinated with the short, raven-haired man in spite of his stories portraying an average, everyday American life. Though he shared a few things and left most of the talking up to Eren - who mostly talked about his friends, family, and school - there was a kind of mysterious demeanor to him. Outwardly, he accepted what Levi said and believed it, though on the inside he felt there was something missing from each story, as if Levi was working around something to keep it secret.

Learning these things did nothing to chase that tingly, stirring sensation within him that was present as Levi was away. On the contrary, it made the feeling stronger. So strong, in fact, that it was nearly overwhelming and did well to occupy his thoughts a good percentage of the time.

After class the following Friday, Eren showed up to the shop for another afternoon of packaging supplies - or so he thought. Once he arrived, he noticed Levi sitting outside against the building with a cigarette between his fingers and his head leaning back against the wall behind him. He looked just as tired as Eren felt.

"Hey," Eren greeted tiredly.

"Sup, brat?" he said, lifting his head and flicking excess ash off of his cigarette with his thumb before pulling it to his lips and taking a long drag off of it.

Eren supposed he shouldn't have been too surprised to learn Levi smoked cigarettes when he first found out. For all the teen knew, he could be on any other kind of drug. He was surprised to feel he cared about the fact that Levi was ruining his health, though. Even so, it didn't matter. They were coworkers, nothing more...

Eren hadn't forgotten the drawing, either, and had been meaning to ask the artist about it. Despite countless opportunities he got, he ended up chickening out each time. He couldn't figure out why.  
Levi snuffed out the cigarette on the sidewalk before flicking it into the gutter and then pulling himself to his feet.

"Sorry for the rude greeting yesterday," he said as he led the teen inside, who was remembering Levi's sharp "shh" when he'd said hello the previous afternoon. "When I tattoo, I get into a kind of...reverie, I guess you could say." She short man headed for his personal corner of the shop. "Petra isn't in today, and Reiner will be here in about an hour. Had business to take care of, I guess, but he's probably just fucking my sister."

Eren snorted sarcastically in response as Levi started getting his things ready. "Well uh, I guess I'll be in the back."

"You can do that, or..." Levi gestured an arm in the direction of the door as the same girl he was working on yesterday walked in. "...you can watch me finish her snake."

Eren refrained from responding right away as he watched the girl approach them. He vaguely seemed to recognize her, but couldn't place who she was or where he'd seen her before.

"Well, kid," Levi sighed, already shuffling through his supplies to ready them for tattooing. "If you decide to watch, pull up a chair. If not, don't hover."

Eren couldn't help but be fascinated by Levi's offer and elected to watch, but only for a few minutes. It was only his second week there; he didn't want to start slacking off already.

Wordlessly, he pulled up a chair as Levi's expert hands routinely readied his machine. The girl attempted small-talk with him, but he never really answered. She acted as if Eren wasn't there, obviously infatuated with Levi instead. He showed no interest in her small advances and before the girl knew it, his hands were on her and tattooing.

At first, the sharp buzzing noise surprised Eren's sensitive ears and he flinched. Eventually, he became accustomed to it as he watched Levi's delicate, gloved hands create a masterpiece on the girl's thigh.

Levi hadn't lied about the reverie thing; he seemed to be in a trance-like state as he continually injected the ink into the surface of the girl's skin. Again, she seemed to have fallen asleep.

Eren was tempted to ask questions but refrained, not wanting to interrupt or mess the process up. In the end, the teen found himself watching Levi's hands themselves rather than the tattooing. The way they moved was indescribable, like they had minds of their own and knew what to do rather than Levi himself. It flowed and brought the piece together more with each stroke. The colors faded together where they varied, giving the piece depth and a more life-like appearance. He shaded and highlighted, his fingers using the machine with impeccable precision.

Before Eren knew it, he'd finished the tattoo, collected payment, and sent the girl on her way just as Reiner arrived.

"I need a smoke," Levi sighed, wiping the sweat from his forehead and then peeling the gloves from his hands and tossing them. Eren didn't miss the shaky way he sauntered out of the building, but brushed it off as it being the aftereffects of his trance-like state. The teen had his own aftereffects. Watching Levi express his insane talent had given him an entire new feeling, though no words could ever hope to describe this one.

"Sorry," Eren mumbled to Reiner and headed for the back room. "I'll get to work."

"Wait, Eren," Reiner said. Eren turned. "You watched Levi tattoo?"

"Um, yeah, why?"

"That's...kind of insane," the large blond admitted. "Levi never lets anyone watch him. I wonder what's special about you."

"Never?" Eren asked quietly.

"Nope. He's pretty much self-taught and has been doing it since he was sixteen. He's a better tattoo artist than me, but I have not once seen him let someone watch."

"That's...wow. I don't know what to say."

"I wouldn't either. But Eren, whatever you're doing...I don't know what it is, but keep doing it. I've never seen Levi respond to someone in such a way before. He's usually in his own little shell, never letting anybody in, but I can tell you bring out something different in him. He's had a pretty rough life, but you seem to shed a little light on him. Even Alex sees something of a change in him. A subtle change, at that, but a change nonetheless."

Eren could only think to nod in response. He thought back to last Monday - the first day he'd stepped food in the tattoo shop looking for a job - when Levi had just begun the snake tattoo he'd just finished. He figured it was too soon for him to tell a difference in the man; a week really wasn't that long...though he did remember his initial impression of Levi. He'd gotten a vibe that he should steer clear of him and had been immensely surprised to find him volunteering his time to help with Eren's work. As the days went on, he realized Reiner had been right about him not being such a bad guy, but he figured that was just his views of him changing as he got to know him little by little.

If Reiner saw a change, however, who was Eren to argue? There was nothing he could say, not having known him before this supposed 'change'. If it was due to something he had said or done, he had no idea. He wasn't doing anything special to or for the man; all he knew was the strange feeling he got from him and how fascinated he was by the mysteries behind those stormy gray eyes. All he could understand was his overwhelming longing to dive into those mysteries and solve them...

Shaking himself, Eren got to work; before his thoughts could consume him, a pair of pale hands appeared, holding a box of needles out to him as he was working.

"Thanks," he mumbled, stashing it in with the rest of the supplies he'd already packed into that particular box.

The faint scent of cigarette smoke came along with the one who joined him on the floor, collecting his own things to organize for probably the thousandth time that week.

"What'd you think, Jaeger?" asked Levi after a minute of quiet - the only sound being the shuffling of boxes.

"Huh?" asked Eren stupidly.

Levi rolled his eyes. "Of watching me," he clarified.

"Oh. Um...it was fascinating," replied Eren honestly.

"That's all you have to say? Hmph."

Eren thought quickly for the right words. "I don't really know...I've never seen anyone get or...give a tattoo before. It's an intricate process...and I see what you mean by getting into a reverie. How does that happen?"

"It's a kind of high for me," Levi explained. "It's almost like my hands do the thinking and the art for me while my brain watches. It's difficult to explain."

"Do you...ever get shaky the way you do when you're tattooing?" Levi shook his head once in response. "You were really young when you got into it right? And Reiner said you're self-taught...but you're really good. How long did it take you to perfect it?"

Levi half shrugged casually. "Maybe a year. I don't really remember."

Eren's jaw dropped. "That's it? Completely by yourself?"

Again he shrugged, nonchalant. "Does that surprise you?"

"A little...I mean...maybe it's just because I'm a terrible artist, but that's incredible."

"It's nothing to brag about," Levi muttered. "I'm not that good."

"I beg to differ. Reiner said you're better than even him, and I gotta say I agree."

"Hmph, please. You've never seen him tattoo before."

"Doesn't matter."

"Whatever you say..."

Another one of their long silences settled over. As Eren worked, he thought about Reiner's words and the feeling. Could they have something to do with each other? Was there a greater purpose behind this? Was he just being stupid, letting some strange attraction he seemed to have toward the tattoo artist blind him to do what was really going on? It was silly - he'd met Levi a little over a week ago, knew only a few minor, normal details about him and had no right to be thinking such thoughts of him. They were coworkers, nothing more.

'If I had a dollar for every time I thought that this week, I wouldn't need this job,' he thought to himself.

The strange part about it was even if he didn't need the job due to random dollars being thrown his way from that thought, he wouldn't quit. Not because he wanted extra money. Not because he needed to help his mom with their living situation or any other reason he could conjure up for why he had the job, but because he had this peculiar fascination, a bizarre yearning to get to know his raven-haired coworker down to the very last, tiniest detail, deeper down into everything he already knew, because he had fervent notion that there was so, so much more to Levi.

~*Levi*~ (Addict journal entry #???)

_I dreamt of seafoam green eyes and chocolate brown hair last night during the few hours of sleep I managed to grab. Second night in a row. How incredibly torturous._

_Tch. He really is the shitty brat I thought he was when I first laid eyes on him._

_"Eren Jaeger."_

_What a pathetic name. What does that even mean, anyway? No, forget it, I don't even care. He has no business here, in this incredibly fucked up mind of mine._

_It's been four days and he's ruining my life. Ruining the deep rut I've spent years clawing my way down into. Ruining my natural flow, injection after injection. Puff after puff. It isn't fair, but I can't say I hate the brat for it._

_What business does he have, taking up my intoxicated thoughts like that? Get out, brat, get out. I don't have time for petty teenager things. You work with me and that's it. Leave my mind at once!_

_But you won't, will you? You just keep finding your way back and not even my monster can chase you out. No combination of syringe euphoria, nicotine high, or insulting thoughts will even allow you to fade, and I don't understand any of it in the least._

_..._

_Oh, dear monster? You have a visitor. I tried to kick him out, but he refuses to leave. I'm sorry...there is nothing I can do._

_..._

_He gets to me. This, too, I do not understand. He asks questions and I find myself answering before I can even think of whether I want to. He knows me better than anyone on the outside should...yet I've shared nothing of true importance. Sure, he listens. He even seems to care...though the reason for this is beyond me. Why should something as simple as that cause me to spill my answers? It's as if some unknown force within me wants him to know, wants to let someone other than my monster in, and has elected Eren Jaeger as the victim._

_..._

_Of course I can't help but wonder what he thinks of me. It's the first I've cared what someone thought of me in an impossibly lengthy measure of time. Why do I care? Why should I care? I have no reason to care...yet I do..._

_..._

_I find myself having the strangest urges...to touch the brat, caress those incredibly soft looking cheeks of his or push his hair out of his face; - that one strand that always falls over his left eye - smooth out the concentrated frown he always has when he's working so hard he doesn't notice me staring. God, he's like hell personified, killing me in a more torturous way than the monster. At least my monster is merciful, letting me escape as it slowly drains my life away. This kid...he doesn't have the slightest clue what he does to me every time he walks in the front door of the shop with the gentle way he sways his hips, those big, oblivious, innocent eyes, those luscious lips I find myself fantasizing about much more often than I should, that smooth voice that could melt freaking chocolate... He gets to me so easily and quickly by just his presence. Talking to him is like a euphoria all on its own. He isn't extensively interesting, but I can't help but hang on every last one of the words that spill off of his tongue that I so greatly desire to taste, to feel with my own..._

_Dammit, Levi! What is with you?! This isn't how it should be. You're idiotically infatuated with a brat you met four days ago! Snap the fuck out of it!_

_Oh, but dear monster, don't you know that this is much more than simply infatuation? So very much more..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback welcome! (I know it kinda sucks so far, I'm sorry; I promise it will get better.)


	4. *~Chapter Three~*

Over the next several days, Eren fell into his own little routine. He went to school as normal, worked for three hours in the evening, studied for two while eating at the same time, showered, and went to bed just in time to get seven-ish hours of sleep. It wasn't exactly the healthiest routine, but the easiest and most practical when it came right down to it.

Levi continued to be the one to volunteer helping with the cleanup; Petra had gone on vacation for a week for some religious holiday she was spending with her family and Reiner was always busy with other business around the shop, be it organizing things, designing or giving tattoos.

Due to changing weather - dropping temperatures that weren't quite cold enough for the falling rain to be snow, therefore creating something along the lines of sleet, which in turned caused a hectic flow of traffic - Eren ended up nearly half an hour late for work. When he arrived, flustered, he apologized about a dozen times to Reiner, who brushed each apology off, not minding Eren's tardiness in the least.

The teen found himself to be disappointed by the fact that only Reiner was in the shop - meaning no Levi. For probably the millionth time, he tried to smother that disappointment and headed into the back room...where he found the exhausted looking man setting a box among the hundreds of others they'd already reorganized. Immediately, Eren's heart skipped and picked up the pace while butterflies exploded through his stomach. He put on his best poker face and, mumbling a greeting, got to work.

"You're late, brat," said Levi. His tone wasn't harsh as Eren half expected.

"I know. The bad weather tends to make drivers stupid. Sorry."

Levi sunk down next to Eren and started packing another box. Their conversation went along as normal - Eren talked about school, his friends and his home life with little detail while Levi listened, interjecting appropriate questions at appropriate moments. It was comfortable for them both, though each felt their heart was about to pound right through his ribs.

Several boxes each later, they took a small break. Levi's hands were trembling, though every so often a tremor would travel up his arms and down his back. By then, Eren was used to the shakiness of Levi's demeanor. It concerned him, nonetheless, and somehow it seemed to be worse that evening.

"Are you okay?" asked Eren.

"Yeah. It's...been a long day," replied the raven, voice equally as shaky as his limbs.

"Hmm, same."

Levi snorted. "Yeah. School. I remember those days."

"Some of the longest of your life, right?" The hint of a grin manifested in Eren's features.

Levi's face, on the other hand, took on a somewhat grim expression. "The days themselves were long...but the amount of days were limited."

"What do you mean?"

"Dropped out of high school when I was 17. That's what I mean."

Eren raised his brows, grin vanishing. "Really? Why?"

"It's a long story."

A silence settled over them for a long minute and they went back to work. After a while, something came over Eren and he suddenly found himself asking, "Hey, can I ask you something?"

Levi shot him a skeptical glance. "What is it?"

"Uhm...the other day I was looking around the shop at the artwork on the walls...and one really stood out to me. One that you drew. I just wondered what it means to you...why you drew it."

"Which one?"

"The one with the heart in the hands and the syringe," he articulated in a hushed tone.

Levi visibly flinched, particularly at the last word, and Eren knew he'd struck a nerve. A feeling of guilt bubbled up, but at the same time his curiosity amplified about the answer.

The silent moment dragged on so long Eren began to think Levi wasn't going to answer until his voice broke the silence.

"It's kind of a metaphor, I guess. My life has been shit, to say it simply and bluntly."

"A metaphor for...for your heart?" Eren's chest tightened, his fingers ceased packaging.

"If that's the way you interpret it, then sure." Suddenly, Levi's words were spilling out before he could stop them, though it wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last. "I didn't have a great childhood, and life proved to get worse in my teen years and hasn't gotten any better since. At least, until--" He snapped his jaw shut before any more words could escape.

"Until what?" prompted Eren. The curiosity was eating him alive.

"Nothing. Forget I said anything."

Eren elected to respect Levi's wish despite nagging interest, but ended up completely stopping work and looking Levi directly in the face. "Are you depressed, Levi?" he asked very seriously.

Levi's eyes flickered up. Eren's large, round orbs portrayed genuine concern, causing his heart to squeeze. It was incredible how those four words seemed to change everything, yet nothing at all.

"I guess you could say that," responded Levi before gritting his teeth and attempting to go back to work. He was unable due to a warm, tan hand covering his over the box he was working on, sending an unfamiliar yet pleasant tingle up his arm. The initial reaction he had was to jerk away and break the contact, though with those liquid green irises gazing so compassionately at him, it was as if he couldn't remember how to move his arm. Momentarily and surprisingly, his shaking ceased and he stared back at the teen, eyes narrow but in confusion rather than his usual malice.

"If that's the case, then I can identify," the brunet continued softly. "When my dad died, I got really depressed. I still deal with it sometimes, honestly. And it's hard. Really hard. And if you're depressed, you should get help."

Levi was completely frozen and staring into Eren's vast blue-green eyes. Something was stirring within him - whether it was the lack of his monster and the burning need for it, or the boy in front of him, he had no idea, though strangely he suspected the latter. He felt something he hadn't known in a long, long time...and that was trust. He found he wanted to tell Eren what was truly up with him...how entirely fucked up he was and how things such as his artwork and his shaking were effects of that single cause. He wanted to express that it was so much more than just depression, so much worse and that yes, he wanted help...but he wasn't nearly deserving of it and was hardly willing to abandon the monster for sober thoughts and memories that were so much worse.

"I'm sorry for being so nosy...I know we only met a little over a week ago, but I'm here, alright? You can talk to me...and I won't tell anyone or do anything you don't want me to." Eren's small smile was so sympathetic and caring it made Levi feel internally sick.

'Except run away...' thought Levi.

There was no way he could tell Eren the truth without him turning tail and going out of site within seconds. No one would want to stick around a junkie who surrendered his soul to a potent monster nearly a decade ago. Eren could be no exception.

"Eren, how did your father die?" Levi asked, knowing it had to be bad to put someone as seemingly strong as Eren in deep depression.

Eren's hand slipped from Levi's and he angled his head so his hair hid his eyes, whatever was left of his smile instantly vaporizing. As soon as the hand was gone, Levi's trembling resumed.

"He overdosed on prescription drugs ten years ago," Eren answered in a grave voice.

Levi's own fingers curled into a fist and he drew it back, the warm sensation from Eren's touch abruptly being replaced with an icy one surging throughout his body at the answer. There was absolutely no way he could tell Eren now. No doubt he really would high tail it out of there as soon as Levi told the truth.

He managed a small, "I'm sorry" before he attempted to redirect his attention back to the box in front of him.

"Don't be. It's not your fault. But...seriously." Eren unshielded his glassy orbs. "Don't try to bottle up your feelings, okay? It will only make things worse and I don't want to see something like that happen to you."

Levi's heart was a heavy thing in his chest, paining him and weighing him down. At that moment, he hated himself more than ever. This teenager, by some miracle, cared about him. And by some other miracle, Levi had no desire to push him away. Instead, he accepted it with open arms. If Eren ever found out the truth, especially after what happened to his father, it would likely crush him. It would be in their best interst if Levi could find it in himself to cut every tie he had to Eren Jaeger, to let him go before this got more fucked up than it already was and did any more damage to either one of them.

"You don't have to do that for me," he forced himself to say. "I'm really not worth it."

Eren shook his head slightly once. "You're wrong. You are worth it. You probably don't see it, but I do."

"Sure, brat. Let's just finish these boxes, alright?"

"Okay...but one more thing."

"What?"

"Why do you call me a brat all the time?"

"How old are you?"

"Nineteen..."

"And I'm twenty-three. So to me, you're a brat."

Eren frowned; Levi couldn't help but find the expression adorable, though of course he'd never admit it out loud. Just that simple change of expression was enough to stand his nerves on end, though in a good way...in a real way. A terrifying way.

"It's only a difference of four years," mumbled the younger. "You don't hear me calling you senile..."

Levi snorted something of a laugh. "Twenty-three doesn't make me a senior citizen, that's why."

"Hmph, and nineteen doesn't make me a brat. My little sister is a brat."

"How old is she?"

"Thirteen."

"Then yeah, she's a brat, too. If you don't like me calling you by that name, you're either gonna have to get over it or find a new job."

Eren's stomach tensed at those words and immediately he decided he'd put up with the nickname. He couldn't honestly say it bothered him as much as he led on; the idea of looking for a new job bothered him for more reasons than one.

"Well I'd have to agree with you on the fact that she's a brat..."

"But you love her." He didn't phrase it as a question, but Eren answered as if it were one.

"Yeah, I guess I do," he said around a sigh. "She's just...at that age."

Again, Levi snorted. He never seemed to actually laugh; not that Eren was funny, but most people would crack a laugh once or twice. Laughter seemed to be something Levi lacked, and what Eren wouldn't give to hear him chuckle, even if it was only once and brief.

Suddenly, that became his goal. He wanted to hear Levi laugh. If he was depressed, he deserved laughter. It was one of the few things that helped keep Eren sane in his own time of depression thanks to his wonderful friends. Levi needed a friend, or someone who could uplift him. Eren decided to take on that role for Levi, provided the raven was willing to let him. He would be the one to help in his own way every chance he got. It was the least Levi deserved after what he'd likely been through...things Eren likely couldn't even imagine.

"Well brat," Levi mumbled after a hearty yawn. "I don't know about you, but I've had more than enough of this packing shit today. I'm out of here." The artist stood and stretched; Eren couldn't help but stare at the way his muscles flexed beneath his clothes as he did so, and a rush of heat surged mercilessly through him. He quickly looked away.

"A-alright," he stammered. "Thanks for your help," he said, just like he did every evening before they departed.

"Yup. Later."

Eren elected to finish two more boxes before he followed Levi's lead and departed. Oddly enough, he felt the lack of Levi's presence like an uncomfortable emptiness within him. It had gotten to the point where there was brushing it off or trying to smother whatever this...feeling toward the man was. It was lasting much too long for him to be able think it was just nerves or something that would eventually subside. A week wasn't normally a very long time, but this feeling was completely foreign to Eren, something abnormal and unlike anything he recalled experiencing in the past. Each time he walked into the presence of Levi, he felt he would expect the pounding of his heart, the borderline adrenaline rush, the stirring in his bones, but he was never prepared, almost like it was completely new or different each time.

It meant something. What, he had no idea...but he resolved he would stick around to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly didn't expect many people, if any at all, to be interested in this. .~. But I'm glad :D let me know what you think, and thanks for reading~


	5. *~Chapter Four~*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's friends tease him about a 'crush'.

Eren was on time for school for the first time in over a week, surprising everyone. He even managed to snag something to eat from the breakfast bar before heading to class.

Every class felt like it was dragging on, though when anticipating something, such was always the case. Eren found he anticipated work nearly every day then, though of course it had nothing to do with organizing tattoo supplies or even the money he made. Believe him, he had too many cardboard cuts on his hands to even remotely enjoy packaging any more of those things.

No, it was evidently Levi. The longer time went on, the more he learned to accept that fact and the feeling that came along with it, though he was still far from figuring out what it meant.

It was during lunch Thursday afternoon when he decided to tell his friends about his semi-mysterious raven-haired coworker. It was involuntary; they'd asked, but he didn't stop himself from giving out information.

It started with Christa piping up, "So, Eren, how's your new job coming along?"

"It's coming...except I think I'm gonna need to buy gloves or something so I stop slicing my hands up so much."

"Man, that's gotta be seriously boring spending so much time putting things into boxes," Connie said, and then bit noisily into his bright red apple.

"It's not so bad," replied Eren with a nonchalant shrug even he thought was a little too forced.

"You've been doing it for like two weeks...don't you get any help at all?"

"Actually, I do...from one of the artists who works there. He helps when he's not busy with other things."

"Eren, is that a blush I see?" teased Marco.

"What? No," Eren shot back too quickly. Freckles' face spread into a wide, almost knowing smile.

"Suuure it's not," Jean muttered, leaning back with his fingers laced together casually behind his head.

"So you have a thing for this coworker of yours, huh?" Ymir interjected. "Well come on, spill. We want details."

Eren held up his hands in protest. "Whoa, okay, it's not like that. Stop jumping to conclusions."  
Even Armin cocked a brow in suspicion, something of a smirk playing on his lips as he chewed his salad.

"Seriously though, Eren. What's this guy like?" Marco asked, seemingly genuinely curious at that point.

"He's...just...a really good artist," Eren stammered, mentally smacking himself over and over while internally denying the heat in his ears.

"As good as Reiner?"

Eren couldn't help but smile a bit proudly. "Better. He let me watch him give somebody a tattoo the other day. It was unlike anything I'd ever seen before."

"Listen to lover boy brag about his crush," Ymir teased with a waggle of her eyebrows, earning her an elbow in the ribs from Christa.

"I'm serious. He's amazing. A-an amazing artist, that is." _Kill me now_ , he muttered to himself.

"Seriously Eren, nobody's buying your denial," Connie piped up again. "Just admit you've got a thing for this co-worker guy. What's his name, anyway?"

Eren sent his box of raisins Connie's way; it pelted him right in the chest, earning a giggle from Sasha. Connie sent it back just as fast, but Eren's reflexes served to be quicker and he dodged just before it could smack him in the side of the head.

"What is his name, Eren?" asked Armin, ignoring the mini raisin war.

"It's Levi," grumbled Eren.

"Oh, he's totally blushing," Ymir mumbled not-so-subtly to Christa, whose sky-blue eyes shifted back to Eren. She nodded in agreement.

"Tch. You guys don't know anything. I don't really know him all that well. What makes you think I could have a crush on him or something?"

Eren kept his eyes on every surface that wasn't any of his friends' faces. They were all patronizing him; the pressure was damn near crushing.

But...was it possible that he had feelings for Levi? Could that explain those strange physical reactions while in the presence of the raven? Had he just been overlooking that possibility this entire time? Or was he simply denying that feasibility?

"Love is weird that way," Sasha said, the demeanor of her smile opposite of the patronizing aura from the others. "Maybe you just haven't realized exactly what your feelings are yet...but really, by the blood in your face, we can tell that there's something more going on than just a coworker situation."

Damn that Sasha, having a knack for being able to see right through people.

"Plus, the first stage of liking someone is denial," Connie pointed out.

Eren rolled his eyes. "Connie, you talk like we're still in high school. Grow up, wouldja?"

"Nope. But now you're avoiding the topic, which is proving it even more."

Eren threw his hands up. "Fine!" he blurted, more so to get them off his back than anything else. "Maybe I do have a thing for him...but that doesn't really mean anything. It's not like it's mutual."

Marco winked. "You don't know that for sure, do you?"

"No, but-"

"Then don't eliminate the possibility."

Eren rolled his eyes and huffed in exasperation. "You guys are terrible."

"Maybe, but you'll thank us in the long run when you get some action," Connie joked with a laugh.  
Eren cast his gaze to his tray for something else to launch in his direction but found it to be empty. Instead, he settled for a threatening look; it only made Connie chortle more.

Soon after, they departed their lunch table one by one. It was a rare occasion for all of them to be able to have lunch together like that, though each was thankful for the time they were able to spend with friends. They found that after high school, their schedules filled up and gave them little time for recreation and time to spend with their friends or anyone else.

Armin stuck by Eren as he started toward his next class even though the blond's next class was across campus and totally not in the direction Eren was headed.

"What are you doing, Armin? It isn't like you to skip class."

"I'm not, I'm not. I just wondered if what you told them is true. Do you really have a thing for your co-worker?"

Eren shifted awkwardly under the weight of the same question as before, internally sighing. He hadn't said a word about his feelings toward Levi until that day. Lunch wasn't exactly joking around, but it wasn't all serious, either. Armin expected a serious answer.

Eren figured if he was going to tell someone, it should be Armin, who was the least judgmental person in probably the entire world, and he knew how to keep his mouth shut. Not only that, but Armin was basically a genius and, despite being aromantic, might have something to say to shed clarity on the situation.

"Well, I don't really know for sure," Eren mumbled. He proceeded to tell Armin about his feelings, thoughts, and urges toward Levi in full detail. Unsurprisingly, Armin listened attentively and was already analyzing Eren's words before the 'story' was even finished.

"Do you want my opinion?" the blond asked when Eren finished.

"Yes, I think that would be helpful."

Armin took a few seconds to analyze Eren's words before speaking. He bore the same concentrated look he always did when he was solving a math problem or analyzing something academic. Eren couldn't help but find it slightly amusing.

"I think," Armin began, "that you have some kind of connection to him. What kind I can't really say. Emotions aren't really my forté, but if your feelings so strongly react in his presence, it can't be for nothing. Maybe you're supposed to help him with something, or vice versa, or both. It's hard to say, but honestly Eren, my gut is telling me you shouldn't ignore this feeling you have or try to bury it like you have been. If doing so worked the first time you did it, maybe it didn't mean anything. But since the feeling persists, it must be something of significance.

"Although, I'm studying philosophy, not psychology, so I could be completely wrong. In the end, what you do is solely up to you. I'm just a friend speaking his mind about it."

Eren remained silent and thoughtful as they arrived outside of his classroom.

"I think I agree," he said finally. "I don't know what it is, but I feel drawn to him. I-I think he's depressed, or maybe even worse. Reiner actually said that he sees a change in Levi, and it's supposedly because of me. So maybe you're right, Armin."

The blond smirked. "I'm rarely wrong, Eren. Not to sound too cocky or anything, but..."

"It's true," admitted Eren with a half-smile. "Anyway. Class. I'll see you later."

Armin nodded once before bounding off. He found a friend of his and walked with him, chattering away as they went.

Eren shuffled into class, just barely making it in time, and slid silently into his chair. He drummed his fingers absentmindedly on the desk and gazed out the window, deep in thought. Not surprisingly, he didn't catch a word of the lesson that day due to his thoughts soaring off to other places - particularly Levi and Armin's words about the subject.

_"Maybe you're supposed to help him with something."_

Those words felt so absolutely right in his gut that it was almost overwhelming. It was incredibly strange, having met someone and so soon experiencing such a strong connection to them. It was unlikely a mutual thing, but Marco was right - Eren had no way of knowing for sure. For all he knew, the change Reiner mentioned could be because the Levi felt something, too.

Of course, Eren was only guessing, _could_ only guess at these things. He made the conclusion to let it play out he the way it was supposed to. If there truly was something there, things would end up the way they were supposed to; fate would bring them together the way they were supposed to come together. (Christ, that sounded ridiculously cheesy...) If not, they'd end up apart, and that was the end of it. Period.

Eren's stomach clenched unpleasantly at the thought of being apart from Levi. He barely met the guy, but somehow he felt he'd known him for years rather than days.

"Feelings are fucking weird," he muttered to himself, leaning forward and letting his forehead thud on the desk in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. I was procrastinating a little bit xD
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and let me know what you think~


	6. *~Chapter Five~*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little dip into their pasts.

The weather proceeded to worsen and worsen as the days drew closer to winter. It snowed on and off, leaving the streets constantly wet and in danger of being icy due to below freezing temperatures and moisture. Christmas lights were already going up; around every corner, there would be another house decorated to an extreme, expensive appearing degree.

"Mom, we should put the Christmas tree up this year," said Mikasa one night at dinner, her youthful eyes shining with mild excitement.

"Why do you want to do that?" asked Carla. Her eyes immediately clouded with sorrow and that same distance Mikasa and Eren had both seen a vast number of times in the past decade. Immediately, Eren shot his sister a warning look, which she promptly ignored to answer the question.

"I don't even remember the last time we did it," she said. "It's a tradition. Everybody does it. Why don't we?"

"You were too little to remember, Mikasa," Eren said, his voice cold. "We haven't put the Christmas tree up since you were like four."

"And? I still don't get why we don't do it."

Eren sighed heavily. "It brings back painful memories, okay? We're not going to put it up."

Mikasa dropped her fork, letting it clatter onto her plate, and crossed her arms. "Why? It's _Christmas_. It's supposed to be joyful and stuff, not all gloomy."

"Drop it, Mikasa," he snapped.

"No," Carla interjected. "Maybe...maybe she's right, Eren." She met her son's eyes and cracked a miniscule half-smile. "Maybe we shouldn't dwell on those memories so much that it stops us from having a normal Christmas."

"But tomorrow..."

Carla gently covered Eren's hand with her own. "I know, honey. But what do you think he would want?"

Eren dropped his eyes back to his dinner plate and violently stabbed a piece of steak. "How should I know?" he muttered.

"I knew Grisha, and we both know he wouldn't want us letting the anniversary ruin Christmas."

"Hasn't stopped it from doing just that for a decade." He sighed in frustration.

"Let's change it, then," Mikasa piped up again. "Why not? If he would want us to have Christmas, we should. I'm tired of it just being a normal day around here while everyone else is having fun with their families and stuff."

Carla turned her growing smile on her adopted daughter. "Good point, Mikasa. Let's put the Christmas tree up."

Eren removed his hand from beneath his mother's and excused himself. After cleaning his plate, he disappeared upstairs for the night to distract himself with his studies until he fell asleep.

The next day was Saturday; therefore he worked earlier than usual. It was a slippery mess to get to work and he wouldn't have been surprised if the shop was closed. He found it not to be, but it turned out that the only one inside was Levi. Immediately upon seeing the short man behind the glass of the window, Eren's heart jumped and his stomach did an awkward dance. Armin's words echoed in his head just before stepping foot in the warm air of the shop...

_Honestly, Eren, my gut is telling me you shouldn't ignore this feeling you have or try to bury it like you have been. If doing so worked the first time you did it, maybe it didn't mean anything. But since the feeling persists, it must be something of significance._

Eren took a gulp of the cold air and stepped inside. He stripped off his coat and hung it neatly on the rack near the door, knowing what a stickler for cleanliness and organization Levi was and not so much in the mood for his scoldings.

"Morning, brat," greeted Levi. He sipped at a steaming mug of what Eren could only assume was coffee or tea.

"Morning," Eren said. "Where's Reiner?"

Levi half shrugged. "Fuck if I know. I don't keep tabs on him." He jerked his chin in the direction of the back room. "Shall we?"

"Sure."

Eren followed the raven back, noting their progress as he pushed the plastic curtain aside. Things were slowly coming along. The entire right wall was covered with the boxes they'd already reorganized and stacked up, while the majority of the left side was still a complete mess.

"How are you, Levi?" Eren found himself asking as he sunk to the floor and got to work.

Levi cocked a brow, semi-startled by the question. Eren studied him as he uttered a short "fine". It seemed that, day by day, Levi's outward appearance worsened. His eyes sat in dark craters nestled in his skull and his cheeks were shallow craters of their own, sucked in just enough for his cheekbones to appear prominent and even fragile-looking. He gave the impression of complete exhaustion, wiped out, like he hadn't slept in days. For once, however, he wasn't shaking so much.

"Oi, what the hell are you staring at?"

Eren quickly averted his eyes back to the contents of his hands, feeling the blood rush to his face and heat the tips of his ears. He fumbled to stuff things into the box.

"Nothing. Sorry," he mumbled quickly, gulping.

Levi's responding 'tch' was barely audible and he, too, went back to work. After a few minutes, his ears could no longer take the deafening ringing of silence and he pulled his phone out for music. He was about to place the headphone snugly into his left ear when Levi's voice stopped him.

"Can't you share your music?"

"Uh," mumbled the teen dumbly.

Levi rolled his eyes. "Just play it out loud."

"Um, alright..."

With nimble fingers, Eren removed his headphones, neatly folded them, and placed them back in his pocket. He then selected a playlist and tapped 'shuffle'. Quietly, he hummed along with the words and melodies of each tune.

"What is that?" asked Levi, jerking his chin in the direction of the phone but not taking his eyes off of the box he was sealing.

" _It's Time_ by Imagine Dragons," answered Eren. "Do you not like it? I can change it..."

"No. Leave it."

Eren continued to hum after that, his eyes flicking back to Levi every so often, curious about his reaction to the song. It was one of Eren's favorites - something he played on repeat for days on end while he was pulling himself out of his deep depression. He knew the song upside down and backwards, had written the lyrics in countless places many times.

_"Don't you understand that I'm never changing who I am...?"_

When that song ended, another by Imagine Dragons played. Unsurprisingly, for he'd favorited every track he had by the band.

_"Hey yeah, don't let 'em know we're comin'. Hey yeah, tiptoe higher..."_

Eren got lost in the music as he worked. He zoned out to everything but the sound and his hands. Wondering if that was how Levi felt when he was tattooing – becoming immersed in that reverie – was what broke him from his thoughts. That, and Levi's low, humorless chuckle. It wasn't the kind of laughter he wanted to hear from the man.

"What?" Eren asked, lifting his gaze.

"Hmm, nothing. Just, that line...'nobody else can take me higher...' It amuses me."

Eren blinked, bewildered. "Huh?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it. What band did you say this is?"

"Imagine Dragons," confirmed Eren.

Levi did nothing but nod once. The two worked comfortably for the next several hours, getting a good two dozen boxes done each. Eren let his music play - things like Linkin Park, Muse, OneRepublic, The Wombats, Arctic Monkeys, Panic! At the Disco, etc. - until his phone was complaining of a low battery.

"You have an interesting taste in music," Levi commented.

"Is that bad?"

"Not at all. I...enjoyed it."

Eren was surprised to say the least. Levi never seemed to enjoy much other than his tattooing and smoking, and he was fairly bitter toward most people, Reiner and his clients included. The teen couldn't help but feel proud to have introduced this man to something he could enjoy, and he smiled.

"I'm glad."

"Yeah. Well," Levi stood and stretched as he always did. "I think it's time to take a break." Without another word, he exited the room with his empty cup.

Eren, too, stood and stretched out his limbs, achy from sitting so long, and followed the same path. Levi stood in the front of the shop, staring out at the heavily falling snow, a hard scowl on his bony face.

"Crap," Eren mumbled. "It's gonna be hard as shit to drive home in this stuff."

"Hn. At least you don't have to walk in it."

The teen frowned. "Walk?"

"Mhm. My uh...license was revoked a couple months ago. I either hitch a ride with Reiner or walk."

"Well, where do you live?"

Levi turned his head just enough for Eren to see his pierced brow cock. "Creeper status, much?" he muttered.

Eren held his hands up in defense. "No, I was just wondering. I can give you a ride, you know."

Levi shifted, seemingly uncomfortable. "You don't have to do that. You already said it'll be difficult for you to drive home as it is."

"Well yeah, but I'd also feel bad making you walk in weather like this."

Levi sighed lightly, his warm breath fogging the glass in front of his face. Eren could just barely make out his face in the reflection in the window. He seemed to be frowning, and the crossing of his arms only added to this hunch.

"What's up?" asked Eren, softly and cautiously.

"You." The word was barely audible.

"Wh-what about me?" he stammered, nervous butterflies erupting in his stomach.

"You seem to somehow kind of care about me. I don't get it."

Eren's frown returned, the corners of his lips lowering just slightly. He took a cautious step forward, turquoise eyes never leaving Levi's face.

"I-I do care," admitted Eren with a shaky voice. "What is there not to get?"

"I'm just not used to it." The man shrugged nonchalantly, like it was no big deal. Deep inside of him, however, it truly was a big deal, and even Eren could slightly feel that, though he kept his mouth shut about it.

"What about your sister? Doesn't she care about you?"

"Tch. Alex is too busy with Reiner and her own life to give a fuck about me. And, frankly, I don't give a shit what she thinks of me...if she cares or not."

Levi's tone was hard in the familiar way he spoke about his sister, the only family member he ever talked about aside from his mother once. There was something behind that hardness, however, that suggested despair. Again, Eren decided against calling him out on this. He truly cared, but he absolutely did not want to be pushy and nosy.

"Oh, well...would you like a ride, Levi?" Eren offered again.

Levi turned to face the taller teen head on. "How much of a choice are you going to give me?" he inquired.

"Not much," said Eren. "If you refuse my offer, I might just walk you home instead."

Levi snorted. "Fine, but you better know how to drive in that shit." He jerked his thumb in the direction of the window.

"Don't worry. I'm pretty much an expert snow driver," Eren bragged with a cocky smirk.

"Tch. You just said it would be hell to drive home in." He started collecting his things.

Eren followed suit, saying, "I'm not worried about me, but the other idiot drivers who like to pretend they know what they're doing when they're really clueless."

"Hmph."

Without further conversation, they ventured out into the heavy, wet snow falling in large, consistent flakes. They climbed in the car; Eren thanked his lucky stars for both front and back windshield wipers and the brilliant invention of the defogger.

Initially, he ride was virtually silent aside from Levi murmuring directions every so often. Typically, traffic was slow and therefore, the journey took longer which in turn multiplied the awkwardness. Eren reached over to turn the radio up, but nothing good was playing. Not only was the situation awkward, but Eren was almost sure that his heart was trying to burst out of his chest. He attempted to focus solely on the road. The effort was fruitless; he was hyper aware of the man sitting quietly next to him.

_Say something_ , his conscience kept whispering to him.

But what? What was he supposed to say? He was terrible at starting conversations, and it wasn't like Levi was eager to answer any questions he could ask.

"So, you said your sister lives with you?" he blurted.

"Technically," muttered Levi.

"What do you mean?"

"She's never around. Spends all her time with Reiner now. I'm surprised she hasn't shown up to the shop since you were hired. They're basically joined at the hip." Levi's words weren't malicious, but his tone was bitter, irritated.

"Does that bother you?"

"Not really. _She_ annoys me, though."

"Why?"

"You'd know if you met her."

"Well...what's she like?"

"Pushy." Eren grinned a little. "Nosy. Overprotective." With each word, Eren's grin widened more and more. Levi scowled at him. "Tch, what's that cheeky grin for, brat?"

"Is she older than you?" he asked.

"Yeah..."

"Take it from someone who's an older sibling himself. We're that way for a reason. Yeah, it's annoying, but we just don't wanna see our little siblings getting hurt. Kinda like we want them to learn from our experiences before they make the same mistakes."

Levi grunted. "Not like I haven't made a thousand mistakes anyway," he muttered almost inaudibly.

Eren pretended like he hadn't heard those words, though he felt them in his gut like he'd swallowed needles. One thing he knew was that there was something truly messed up about Levi, and he was determined to find out what so he could help, just as Armin said. Just as his gut told him to.

"Well, what else about your sister? What is she like other than the annoying older sibling traits?"

"Why the sudden interest? Turn here."

Eren half shrugged as he carefully made the turn. "I dunno...guess I wanna find out where you get some of your traits from," he admitted honestly.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Levi's head turn to look at him with a plastered frown. "They're just me. I don't get them from anywhere or anyone."

Eren half-smiled a bit. "Tell me about her anyway."

"I don't know. She has pink hair and she wears a lot of dark makeup."

"That's it?"

"Fuck, Jaeger, what do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. Just, what comes to mind when you think of her?"

It was quiet for a minute as Levi thought past his growing exhaustion. His hands had begun to shake a bit, though he hid this from the teen.

"I guess she's pretty supportive," he mumbled. "Takes after my mom. She keeps a lot of secrets, too. She's a terrible liar. People mistake us for twins a lot. That's all I got."

Eren considered his words for a minute. Though brief, he found them to be helpful. Keeps a lot of secrets - Eren could already tell that was a trait Levi shared with his sister. There was still so much Eren didn't know about the raven-haired man because of it.

He'd still been thinking about it as Levi finished the directions to his apartment complex. As soon as he parked, Levi was saying, "Come in for a minute."

Eren's eyes widened in surprised. "A-are you sure?" he stammered.

The man rolled his eyes - classic Levi. He opened the door and said a firm, "yes" before stepping carefully onto the slick-looking pavement of the parking lot.

It felt like everything in Eren's body went in overdrive at that point, and it didn't stop for a long time to come. Instead of consciously making the decision, his body was already moving for him. He cut the engine, grabbed his phone (which seemed pointless; it was dead anyway), and got out of the car. An extreme nervousness he'd never felt before settled in; he felt like his stomach was about to fall out of his butt while he simultaneously threw up all over the glistening snow.

While he worked on trying to prevent a heart attack, he followed Levi down the sidewalk and up the stairs. The short man, even in the way he walked, was showing tiredness. He seemed tired much too often for it to be normal or healthy.

Nonetheless, his hips swayed just slightly, and with his fairly tight jeans, Eren felt a tingle of heat in awkward places and urges that were completely foreign to him.

'Oh god,' he thought, running a hand through his hair. 'If my friends find out about this, they'll tease me forever.'

Levi stopped in front of a door marked with the number 36 and fluidly unlocked it. How he managed to do that so swiftly with his already trembling hands was unbeknownst to Eren. He couldn't help but wonder if Levi was as nervous as Eren himself, but quickly pushed the thought aside. Levi was doubtfully the type to get nervous, especially over something so small.

The short man waved Eren inside as he stepped in and stripped his coat off, hanging it neatly on the rack by the door along with his keys. He tossed his wallet on a small table below it just as Eren stepped into the warmth, shutting the door behind him.

The first thing he noticed, as always, was the aroma. Interestingly, it was a floral scent, though muskier and even more inviting. It also smelled of cigarettes, however very, very faintly so that someone who didn't have a nose as sensitive as Eren's likely would not have picked it up.

The interior of the apartment was much nicer than the exterior. Levi's, of course, was spotless. Literally, the entire place screamed 'clean freak', and there wasn't so much as an ashtray on any table as one would expect from a smoker.

Upon walking in, off to the right was a small dining area with a simple round table and chairs. In front of that was a tiny kitchen. To the left was the living room - a couch against the wall facing another smaller sofa that could almost be classified as a loveseat, and in the corner near the window was a decently sized television. Between the kitchen and living room was a hallway leading to what was clearly two bedrooms and a bathroom.

The place was tiny, yet cozy.

"You can leave your shoes and jacket there," said Levi, gesturing to where he'd left his own things. Wordlessly, Eren did so, though continued to stand awkwardly in the doorway. He wasn't in the habit of making himself at home in other people's houses. Not even Armin's, someone he'd known since they were still running around in diapers.

"You can come in," the man muttered, striding into the kitchen.

Again Eren complied, silently making his way to the table and gingerly taking a seat. It was virtually quiet as Levi shuffled about the kitchen. Eren worked on taking deep breaths, attempting to slow his relentless heart rate. As in the car, he felt compelled to say something; the first thing that came to mind was to ask Levi why he'd invited him in, but he couldn't think of a nice way to ask. Before he could come up with something else, however, the artist was setting a steaming cup of tea in front of him and sliding into a chair across the table with a cup of his own.

"So, Jaeger, what about your sister?" he asked as settled in.

"Um, what about her?" Eren asked stupidly.

"What's she like, idiot," muttered Levi. He leaned back in his chair, crossed his left leg over the right, and took a sip of his tea. Eren noted the strange way he held his cup - by the top rather than the handle the side.

"Uhm...other than bratty, you mean?"

"Obviously."

"She's strong for a thirteen-year-old I'll give her that. She's been able to wrestle me to the ground before."

"Maybe you're just weak," Levi suggested, a hint of amusement in his charcoal eyes.

Eren sent a half-hearted glare his way. "Not even."

"Hm. What else?"

Surprisingly, Levi seemed genuinely curious. He never seemed to be interested in anything other than his tattooing, just like he never seemed to enjoy anything but. Reiner, too, had pointed that out; Armin's words rang truth for the first time.

"Well, she's half Japanese..." Levi cocked a brow in mild confusion, prompting Eren to continue. "She was adopted. Her...parents were murdered before she turned a year old. She was left alone to starve to death but the neighbors found her. She spent a few months in a foster home until my parents decided they wanted another kid, but my mom was unable to get pregnant...so..."

"Sounds pretty fucked up."

Eren smiled a bit sadly. "It is. But she's okay. She has a strong heart, so that helps."

"She probably gets it from you."

Eren snorted and absently stirred his tea, which he hadn't so much as picked up yet. "Maybe it's just her. Maybe she doesn't get it from anyone," he murmured, slightly mocking Levi's words from earlier.

"Tch," muttered Levi before sipping at his tea. "So then, what about your mom?"

Immediately, Levi could tell he struck a nerve by the way the brat's face changed and his fingers clenched around the handle of the spoon resting in his otherwise untouched tea. "What about her?" He didn't meet Levi's gaze, but kept his eyes on the liquid.

"How is she?" Eren's eyes flickered up and back down quickly, followed by a long silent moment. "You don't have to answer, you know."

Eren drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly before speaking. "She's...the best," he put simply. "She's strong, too. I think if Mikasa gets her strong heart from anyone, it's Mom. She's been through a lot in her life but she still manages to smile."

"I can relate. Kind of." It was Levi's turn to avert his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Just the part of having been through a lot. Continue..."

Eren blinked several times, letting what Levi had just said sink in before he went on. "She's a fantastic cook and she always knows what to say when I need it the most." Eren stopped himself from blabbering on. He could talk about how amazing his mother was all day, how much he absolutely loved her, but didn't want to bore Levi.

"You said she has psychological issues?" Levi prompted. "May I ask about that?"

Their eyes met once more. Neither could ignore the spark of electricity that shot through him.

"Um, yeah," mumbled Eren, nervously running his hand through his hair. "When my dad died, it was devastating for her. She needed mental rehabilitation for a month and Mikasa and I stayed with our aunt. She still sees a psychologist to this day, but she's doing a lot better."

"She must've really loved him," Levi pointed out.

"Yeah. More than I've ever seen anybody love someone in my entire life. Somehow he managed to keep the extent of his addiction from her until it was too late. We knew he had issues with it, but we didn't know how bad it really was. He didn't even have time to get help..."

Eren's eyes took on a distant look as he was remembering. Levi leaned forward, curious eyes searching the teen's distressed features.

"What happened, Eren?" he asked, surprisingly finding himself to be genuinely concerned.

Eren was startled, too, by hearing his name come out of Levi's mouth rather than 'brat' or his last name. He considered telling his coworker the story - the most painful one he had. He hated talking about it; the only one who knew the full thing aside from his family was Armin, who knew better than to bring it up.

Levi didn't, and he wanted to know. There was nothing Levi could use against him, but could he trust the raven-haired artist not to judge him? He had no idea.

_'If you want him to trust you, the first step is trusting him,'_ his conscience whispered.

"I was only nine," Eren began. "It was December 8th, 2004, and-"

Levi cut him off. "That's today," he said.

Eren smiled a little, knowingly and sadly. "Yeah. It happened ten years ago today. It was four in the morning and I really had to pee, so I got up, but the bathroom was occupied and locked. I waited for probably twenty minutes before I was about to piss myself, so I went to get one of my parents - whichever wasn't in the bathroom - to unlock the door. I was too short to reach where we hid the key. It was my mom who was still in bed...and she unlocked the door...and my dad was in there laying lifeless on the floor."

As he recounted the story, Eren's features took on a grim expression. He felt the phantom sadness he bore for so many years settle on his shoulders as he remembered the awful scene.

His father had looked virtually the same; he'd laid against the bathtub, seemingly asleep rather than dead. Carla had rushed in, in full on panic mode, calling his name and trying to wake him up. Of course, her efforts were in vain and Grisha's pale, almost peaceful looking face was still plastered on the back of Eren's eyelids to that day, as he was sure it would be forever.


	7. *~Chapter Six~*

"So you saw him like that," Levi murmured. He, too, bore a grim expression, though not for the same reason as Eren.

"Yeah. Still haunts me, too. We still don't know if it was intentional or not, but we don't think so because he didn't leave a note or anything...and Mom says he would have, but I'm not so sure."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that." Levi's voice was flat, his eyes downcast.

"Don't be. It's not your fault or anything."

"Then I'm sorry I asked."

"I'm...actually kinda glad you did. Sometimes you just gotta get things like that off your chest, y'know? I'm sure I get on Armin's nerves with it since he's the only one aside from my mom and I who knows what truly happened. And you now, I guess..." Eren self-consciously stirred his tea.

"Armin?" snorted Levi. "That's kind of a ridiculous name."

Eren frowned. "He got it from his grandfather. He's been my friend for as long as I can remember."

"Hm."

"So, I told you my sob story. What about you?"

"What do you mean?"

Eren rolled his eyes with a lighthearted grin. "Please, Levi. I know you've been through a lot of shit. I shared mine with you. Now it's your turn."

Levi wrapped his trembling fingers around his empty cup and stared into it. His eyes took on an almost vacant expression; it was a bit concerning until he spoke. "I suppose that's fair." He drew in a deep breath, buying time to choose his words carefully. The last thing he wanted was to scare Eren off right then and there. "My mom died when I was 18...so about five years ago. She was driving in a rainstorm and lost control of the vehicle. Ended up rolling down a hill and into a river." He half-shrugged.

"Wow," breathed Eren, eyes wide. "That's terrible."

"I suppose."

"You don't seem too shaken by it."

"My mom wasn't much of a mom, to put it simply. Yeah, she fed us and took care of us, but I don't think she ever loved us. Can't say I care too much, though. Love isn't my forte. I guess in the end that made her death that much easier to get over."

This only seemed to add to the mystery that was Levi. Eren, being who he was, could never imagine his life without his mother or without loving her to pieces. It seemed unreal that there were people out there who didn't love their mothers as much as he adored his. He sat there, absentmindedly staring at Levi, trying to wrap his head around the concept.

"What, brat?" asked Levi in a hard tone, breaking Eren from his pondering. "You're staring. Again."

Quickly, Eren averted his eyes and mumbled, "Sorry. It's just...my mom. I can't imagine losing her like that. It baffles me how you seem so whatever about it."

"I wouldn't say I'm whatever about it...she was still my mother."

"I understand. So then...what about your father?"

"Never met him."

"Why not?"

"Dead beat. As soon as he learned my mom was pregnant with me, he ran off."

"So do you and your sister have different fathers?"

"Yup."

"Sounds...complicated."

Levi shrugged and sat back again. In the dim light flooding out from the kitchen, Eren could see how bloodshot his eyes had become and how much more exhausted he appeared in the past little while. He'd started to shake again as well, and was absently scratching at his arms.

"Since we're...basically having a heart-to-heart," Eren began cautiously, "I have one more question."

"Hm?"

"You shake a lot, and scratch at yourself like that, and you almost always seem exhausted. Why is that?"

"It's just...a health condition," Levi said, though he was obviously having trouble meeting Eren's eyes. "Don't worry about it."

The teen couldn't help but to narrow his eyes in suspicion. He was almost certain Levi was lying. It wasn't so much that he didn't feel he was untrustworthy as much as Eren had a hunch that he didn't want to say, bringing his thoughts back to how he seemed to keep a lot of secrets the way he said his sister did.

"Alright..." murmured Eren. He felt the need to change the subject, so he asked, "How did you meet Reiner?"

"Stumbled upon the shop and walked in, just like you did," Levi answered. "Once he saw what I could do, he hired me."

"Good move on his part." Eren smiled. "He...he did tell me that you don't generally let people watch you, though...how did he see your skill?"

"I had a portfolio of past works and other art that I showed him."

"Then why did you let me watch you?"

Levi stopped short, his narrow eyes boring holes into the tarnished wood of the table between them. "You...you're different," he said quietly.

After finally seemingly calming down a bit, Eren's heart sped right back up. He curled his hands into fists on his legs beneath the table to hide them. "What do you mean? Different how?"

"I don't know, Eren. You just are. Like I told you, feelings aren't my thing." His eyelids dropped closed. "And I'm more fucked up than I thought if I think I should be allowed to have them at all." Even with his obvious efforts to keep his voice steady, it still shook.

"It's not fucked up to have feelings," countered Eren. "It just means you're human."

"Yeah, sure," he drawled sarcastically. Eren's brows furrowed. The raven seemed to shut down right in front of him, like some sort of machine that was unplugged or ran out of energy. His eyes remained vacant and he went so still even his shaking stopped.

Something seemed to catch in Eren's throat at the sight. "Levi?" he whispered around it.

"You...should probably go. Before the weather gets any worse. Before that mother of yours starts to worry."

"Okay...but are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Just tired. It's been a long day."

Simultaneously, they stood. Eren forced himself to shuffle toward the door where he slipped his shoes on and grabbed his coat off of the hanger despite the concern bubbling in his chest for the man.

"Thanks for the tea," he said softly as he slipped the jacket on.

"It was the least I could do." Even Levi's voice was monotonous, matching his outwardly expression – a mask Eren couldn't quite see through, but a mask nonetheless.

"I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" he asked hopefully.

The man merely nodded once before Eren turned to leave. He was halfway out the door when he heard his name and turned. Levi looked him straight in the eyes as he asked, "How did you know I've been through shit?"

Eren's answer was steady and sure. "Not only did you say it, but I can see it in your eyes."

With that, he left, shutting the door softly behind him. He forced his mind to stay blank on the trip down to his car. He got in, started it up, and waited a few minutes for it to warm up prior to driving away. Once he was back out on the main road, the thin porcelain wall keeping his emotions and thoughts away just long enough for him to be on his way burst and everything came flooding through at once.

1\. Levi was a mystery - that much was still apparent. He was obviously unskilled at expressing his feelings - at least not through words - though it was pretty clear to Eren, at least, that he had so many. 

2\. Levi had countless feelings and thoughts built up behind his own walls that were obviously made of something much, much stronger and thicker than porcelain.

3\. There was something about Eren that weakened him. He allowed the teen to be the first to ever watch him give a tattoo being one great example. Another was that, though in a vague way, he spilled his thoughts to the best of his ability to the teen, and just by their conversation, evidence showed that something drew Levi to Eren as well. Reiner's words about seeing a change weren't just for shits and giggles - he was being totally honest.

4\. Eren felt the same toward Levi. He had never trusted anyone so much with the exception of Armin, though for the length of time they knew each other, that was inevitable. Eren genuinely cared about Levi. He cared what was going on inside that head of his, what each of his drawings about and what his feelings were.

There was no denying anymore that Eren had feelings for the raven-haired, pierced tattoo artist. What kind of feelings, he wasn't sure. Romantically - yes, definitely; he'd had his urges before, his fantasies when he would zone off in class or in his thoughts just before falling asleep. But it ran so much deeper than that...and Armin's words rang true once more.

_~*Levi*~ (Addict journal entry #???)_

_He got to me. Again. Worming his little, adorable way into my mind and tugging answers out of me..._

_My monster is laughing at me._

_Eren Jaeger scares me as much as he fascinates me. Scares me because he makes me feel...other than things my monster allows._

_Offering to give me a ride home, tch. At the time I was telling myself it was better than walking through that blizzard...and then my stupid mouth opens and I invite him inside and end up spilling more that no one else knows. I end up intrigued by his own sob story and find that I somehow care that he had to experience what he did._

_'He's more dangerous than I am,' whispers my monster._

_You're never wrong, dear monster._  
...  
What is love to a junkie? The closest we get is our contract with that demon, written and signed in the last bit of clean blood we have. We don't know human feelings once the substance has been injected. The contract is a fair trade - euphoria for humanity. 

_Yet here I am, feeling more human than I have in years despite the monster holding my hand as the culprit himself sits a mere four feet from me, ripping the monster apart word by word and drawing me in as he does so._

_You are worse than nicotine, Eren Jaeger...worse than the monster. I am drawn to dangerous things, and if you're the worst of all, I can't imagine this new path I've headed down. The contract said nothing about love. Said nothing about shitty brats barging in and causing you to feel it. Nothing about any way to regain your humanity...or how said teenager would be the one to cause you to catch a glimpse of it and want to reach out and grab hold of it._

_I can't, though, not yet. It's still much too far out of my reach. I see it and it dances in front of me, teasing and laughing like children playing a stupid game of tag. No, hide and seek is more like it._

_Why do you make me want this, you stupid brat?! Why do I, because of you, suddenly care so much?! Why am I feeling these things?! I turned to the monster to rid myself of the pain that comes with humanity, and along with it sacrificed all of this, too! Everything brings pain. The monster is the only one who has allowed me to escape those things. After the things I've had to experience...after what has happened to me...this syringe is my only route to phantom happiness. Real happiness doesn't exist._

_At least, that's what I tell myself. It's what my monster has forced me to believe._

_But you, you stupid, naïve, oblivious, shitty, foolish, beautiful brat...you are the reason I am questioning this venom I sold my soul for._

_And thus, I am falling. Falling in a way I no longer believed I was capable of...into endless pools of seafoam green lurking in my subconscious...into a counteracting poison._

_And I have no desire to swim back toward the surface._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading; let me know what you think, and again, if I should continue with this...haha.


	8. *~Chapter Seven~*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi's sister and Christmas plans.

"Eren, where have you been?!" exclaimed Carla as soon as her snow-dusted son stepped foot in the house.

"I was at work...and then I gave Levi a ride home," he answered, a bit startled at his mother's franticness.

Suddenly, her caring arms were around him, holding fast. "I was so worried about you! You weren't answering your phone and you were gone so long..."

Eren returned the embrace tightly in an attempt to reassure his borderline hysterical mother. "I'm sorry, Mom," he murmured. "My phone died, and like I said I took Levi home."

The woman pulled back to look her son in the face. "Just tell me next time, alright? Use your friend's phone if you can. Especially since the weather is getting so bad."

"I will, Mom. Sorry."

Eren felt a twinge of guilt at the desperate, concerned look across Carla's aged face. Outbursts like these weren't uncommon since his father had died. She worried a lot more about Eren and Mikasa because of it, in fact, and ever since the whole thing happened, her stress and depression had put her in mind in strange, made up places that altered the way she thought.

Eren absolutely hated toll his father's death paid on his mother. She was the absolute sweetest, most caring person in the world. She loved hard, and because of this it was inevitable that the death of her soul mate would do so much damage on her. Both Eren and Mikasa did their best not to make her worry about them so much; lord knew that if anything happened to either of them, there would be no returning to normal for her.

A week passed and, due to the snow, school had been cancelled. Nearly three feet of the stuff piled in overnight between Sunday and Monday. Reiner kept Eren busy, however, and had even finally got back to tattooing himself. Petra returned, as well, and had a load of commissions to keep herself busy with. Levi, on the other hand, had no customers, and therefore continued to help the teen in the back.

"It's gonna be several more weeks before we finish this shit," Eren muttered, bandaging yet another cardboard cut across the fleshy part of his palm.

"Unfortunately," agreed Levi.

"Probably won't get it done until after the New Year," he sighed.

"Let's just hope there isn't another earthquake."

"Don't jinx it! I seriously don't wanna spend my life doing this."

"Makes two of us, brat."

Suddenly, Eren found himself asking, "What are you doing for Christmas, Levi?"

The man glanced up with the smallest of frowns, obviously caught off guard. "Um, nothing. Why?"

"What? Nothing? Seriously?"

Annoyance flashed across slate gray irises. "Yes, seriously. I never do shit for Christmas."

"Why not?"

Levi half-shrugged. "My only family is Alex, and she's too wrapped up in Reiner. I don't see the point. I'm not religious, anyway."

"I guess I see your point...I haven't really done anything for Christmas for most of my life, either...because it brings back memories of my dad. But this year Mikasa convinced my mom to put our Christmas tree up."

"Hmm."

A sudden idea popped into Eren's head. His heart burst into a steady gallop and his throat thickened, but he forced the words out nonetheless. "Well hey, if you're not doing anything...if you want, you can-"

Eren's invitation was cut off by the sound of the front door of the shop opening and a loud, "hey, baby!" from Reiner.

"Greeeaaat," Levi muttered, leaning against the wall and letting his head fall back with an audible thud.

"What is it?" Eren asked. He attempted peeking around the doorway to see, but the other wall was in the way.

"Get ready to meet the most annoying person on the planet," Levi said past a sigh. His shaky hands went back to work grabbing things and stuffing them into the box, slightly more forceful than before.

"Wha...?" Eren was mumbling just as Reiner burst into the room with the palest person Eren had ever laid eyes on at his side.

"Hey Eren!" Reiner boomed. "This is Alex, my fiancée."

"Um, hi..." Eren mumbled awkwardly, taking in the girl.

Levi hadn't been lying about the hair or the dark makeup. Her hair was, indeed, an interesting shade of pastel pink as if cotton candy had been growing from her scalp, though it wasn't as fluffy. The makeup rimming her light chestnut eyes was dark as hell, too, and she sported blood red lipstick on a pair of full lips. Otherwise, she was incredibly pale - literally, she could be a ghost. Her stature was tiny compared to Reiner, but she had to be at least a couple inches taller than Levi. She wore all black - a fashionable black coat above black skinny jeans, hugged at the bottom by black combat boots. Even the beanie covering her head was black. She had no visible tattoos to speak of, but there was a small silver stud in the left side of her nose. She was pretty, Eren decided, and definitely bore a resemblance to the tattoo artist behind him, though she wasn't nearly as skinny and lacked the constant scowl. Judging by her dark, neat eyebrows, her natural hair color was the same as Levi's, as well.

"Nice to meet you, Eren," she said in an almost surprisingly gravelly voice as she leaned forward and offered him her hand. He took it and shook, but not before noting the blood red color of her nails and several lustrous rings.

"You too," he murmured before turning his attention back to the box he'd been organizing.

"Hey, little bro," the girl said, crossing the room to Levi. Her fist began the descent to the top of his head, but his shaky hand swatted it away.

"Don't touch me," he grumbled.

"Irritable as always, I see," she said with a laugh.

"Tch."

"I'm sorry you have to work with such a grump, Eren," she said. "I'd say he's really not so bad, but I don't like to lie."

Eren blinked up at her, unsure of how to respond to that.

"You're not exactly a walk in the park yourself," Levi muttered.

"I'm much happier than you are," she countered, casually placing her hands in the pockets of her coat. " _And_ I don't reek of cigarettes."

Levi rolled his eyes. "So you came because you decided to make fun of me? Spare me, please."

"Oh, you know I love you." Her hand came down to ruffle his mohawk once more but he swiftly dodged it and sent her a death glare.

"You two are the same as ever," said Reiner with a laugh. "Anyway, when you guys feel like taking a break, come on out and get some hot cocoa," he invited, waving Alex along; she playfully blew Levi a kiss before following him out.

There was a moment of silence before Eren spoke up. "Do you really dislike her that much?" he asked.

"Hn...no. I never said I didn't like her. I just said she's annoying."

The teen smirked. "Everyone thinks their sibling is annoying."

"I'm sure there are some siblings somewhere out there who don't." Levi made a point to keep his eyes downcast to his working (but fumbling) hands.

"Touché..."

"So what were you saying before they rudely interrupted?"

"Uh..." Eren thought back. "Oh. I was just saying that if you wanted, you can join my family for Christmas." The teen felt desperate to hide the flush in his cheeks, so he kept his head down and let his hair fall over his face. He took his time sealing the box in his fingers.

"You don't have to do that for me," Levi said with a tone much softer than before.

"I know." Eren risked a glance up. "But I want to."

The short man's Adam's apple bobbed as he visibly gulped. With hands balling into shaky fists and eyes fixed on the floor, his uneasiness showed. "I don't think that's a very good idea," he murmured.

Eren frowned, slightly offended. "Why not?"

The raven seemed to be having trouble coming up with a good excuse. He sucked in a lungful of air.  
"I don't think I would do well to fit in with your family," he said finally.

"What do you mean? You haven't even met them yet. They're great people. I mean Mikasa's a little brat, but she's polite."

Eren could see the muscles of Levi's jaw flexing and relaxing in a slow tempo beneath his alabaster skin. It was clear he was having some sort of internal battle with himself. If he was truly depressed the way Eren thought him to be, he identified. Before the man could come up with another excuse, he attempted a bribe.

"Come on, Levi. My mom is an incredible cook. You'd be a fool to pass up the opportunity to taste it."

Slowly, Levi lifted his conflicted eyes to meet Eren's gaze. The teen was giving him an encouraging smile. Nearly every fiber was protesting, urging him to decline the offer and insist that he couldn't possibly do it. Yet at the same time, there was something about Eren and that stupid, adorable smile on his face that wouldn't allow him to say no.

"How much of a choice are you going to give me?" he asked in a suspicious baritone.

The brat half-shrugged. "Hm, not much, I think."

"Alright," he found himself saying before he could stop the word from rolling off his tongue.

The brat's dopey smile widened and those deep turquoise eyes sparkled in delight. Those kinds of things were truly what baffled Levi. Eren's face was an open book, his emotions displaying blatantly across it, easy to read at any given time. That was how Levi knew the kid cared about him...and he still couldn't understand why. He wasn't deserving of concern or love or anything of the sort, yet there the brat was, looking at him like he was the light of his life.

"Tch, stop smiling at me like an idiot," Levi muttered.

"Sorry," Eren mumbled, quickly turning his head away. "But really, you will?"

"Sure. I've got nothing better to do, anyway. And if you say your mom is such a great cook..."

"You'll be blown away," promised Eren.

That evening, Eren broke the news to his mom as he was helping with the dishes after dinner.  
"So, Mom..."

"What is it, dear?"

"If it's okay, I invited a friend over for Christmas dinner."

As Carla was scrubbing a plate in the sink full of suds, she smiled a bit. "I take it this friend isn't Armin, or you would've said so."

"No, he's from work. It's Levi." A fluttery kind of feeling bubbled up in Eren's stomach as he articulated the name; he worked to outwardly hide it.

"That's fine, honey. But you aren't taking him away from his family, are you?"

"No! Of course not. He said he never does anything for Christmas. His only family is his sister who's spending the holiday with her fiancé."

"Oh. Well alright. I'll have to make sure to make enough food. It's been so long since I've cooked for more than three people."

Eren sent her his best reassuring grin. "You'll do amazingly, Mom. You always do."

They finished washing and drying the dishes before Eren disappeared into his room to 'study'.

The next week seemed to drag on. The closer the 25th came, the more anxious Eren found himself becoming. Even as he was helping his mother and sister decorate the Christmas tree - an item that had been horribly dusty after spending a decade in the attic - his mind was preoccupied with creating scenarios about how Christmas would go.

Would Levi stay true to his word and show up? After all of his hesitation when Eren gave the invitation, he wasn't so sure. Would Levi get along with his family? He could already hear snide remarks from Mikasa, who tended to judge people right off the bat. His mother, on the other hand, was sure to get along with him. She could get along with anybody.

Eren continued to tell himself there was no use worrying so much about it. No matter how many times he attempted to play it all out in his head in however many different ways, it would still go unexpectedly. Levi would show up, he would introduce him to his family, being sure to send his sister stern looks, and they would have dinner. Worst case scenario, they wouldn't get along.

_Why the hell am I worrying so much about this?_ Eren thought to himself. _It's not like Levi and I are together or anything. Hell..._

Those kinds of thoughts did nothing to calm his nerves on a live wire when the doorbell rang at twilight on the 25th, however, nor did it stop the nervous shaking of his hands as he flew down the stairs to answer it before Mikasa could even think of getting off the couch to answer it. Internally kicking himself for being so nervous, he reached out with a shaky hand and opened the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your wonderful comments and kudos on this! ♥


	9. *~Chapter Eight~*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self harm trigger warning.

Levi had his hands shoved in his pockets as the door in front of him swung open to reveal Eren, standing just beyond the threshold in all of his bright-eyed glory. The artist's tainted heart skipped a beat and went into overdrive at the mere sight of him.

"Hey," the brunet greeted cheerfully. "Come on in."

Levi couldn't help thinking how pathetic his nervousness was as he mumbled his thank you to the brat and stepped through the threshold. The warm interior of the house was a significant contrast to the nippy winter air outside. It was a normal house - comfortable looking furniture, plush tan carpet, family pictures hanging on the walls. Levi was met with the heavenly scent of food drifting from a lit up doorway he could only imagine was the kitchen. There were several Christmas decorations, the boldest being the tree standing cheerfully in the corner, lit up with soft white lights glinting against a variation of ornaments. The abode was inviting and homey, almost like a personification of Eren himself. Levi couldn't help but feel awkward and out of place.

He only had a second or two to take all of this in before a woman appeared from the kitchen doorway, wiping her hands on a tattered dish towel. Levi found his heart jumping in anticipation again; he wanted to shoot himself right in the forehead.

Eren motioned the woman over and said, "Mom, this is Levi."

The woman approached at a moderate pace, a smile spreading across her face as she did so. The first thing Levi noticed about her was how ridiculously much she resembled the tall teen standing next to him. They had the same bone structure, the same soft smile and even the same calm demeanor.

As she held her hand out for him to shake, which he did gingerly, he noted her soft amber eyes. Something in those eyes struck a chord in him. Upon first glance, they looked like normal eyes...but Levi, having been through more shit than a person should have to go through, could see deeper than that. She'd been through a lot, as well; there was something inside of her broken beyond repair. He knew because he'd seen that look in his own eyes in the mirror, and he suddenly realized Eren saw it, too...

"Nice to meet you," she said in a soft, motherly voice.

"You, too," he mumbled, feeling suffocatingly awkward.

"I'm sorry, but dinner is a little late. Feel free to make yourself at home, though."

"Thank you."

He didn't miss the sly glance she sent Eren's way as she turned to disappear back into the kitchen.

"Come on," invited Eren, waving him toward the living room. He followed him in, already having shoved his hands back into his pockets.

Lounging casually on the couch was a black-haired girl, eyes glued to the TV with two guys Levi thought he vaguely recognized having an argument.

"Mikasa," Eren said, tone a bit hard.

"What?" asked the girl without moving her eyes from the screen.

Eren reached down and pressed a button on a controller resting on the coffee table, pausing the show. The girl's head snapped up, mouth open to chew him out, but she stopped short as soon as she saw the shorter man hovering a foot or so behind him.

"Mikasa, this is Levi," Eren said, voice implying that she be nice. Levi knew; he'd heard Alex use that tone with him countless times.

She sat up and studied the man, face unreadable. "So this is him," she said flatly.

"Hey, kid," he said.

"Hi."

Levi could already feel suspicious vibes radiating off the tween girl and directed toward him. Eren shot her another kind of look Levi knew well. It said, 'behave, or you're gonna get it'.

Blatantly ignoring the look as Levi followed Eren's lead and took a seat, she asked, "So are you like a thug?"

Levi raised his brows. "Excuse me?"

"All the piercings...probably lots of tattoos. And you give tattoos, right? I bet-"

"Mikasa, seriously, shut up," snapped Eren.

"What? I'm just telling it how it is."

"That is not how it is. Don't be so judgmental, Jesus Christ."

"Do you know for sure that's not how it is?" Levi piped up in at attempt at a joke. "I could be in a gang behind your back for all you know."

Eren rolled those gorgeous green eyes of his as they were sparkling brilliantly in the light of the Christmas tree. "Please. Reiner does background checks. There's no way you're in a gang."

Levi snickered. "Touché, brat."

Mikasa, brows raised, mumbled, "Okay then..." She shifted her attention back to the television after tapping the same button Eren had to resume it.

"So, what is this?" Levi murmured to Eren, jerking his chin in the direction of the TV. He kept his fidgeting hands hidden in his pockets, though the trembling in them had nothing to do with withdrawals. He was genuinely nervous, yet another real feeling he got from the brat.

" _Supernatural_ ," Eren murmured back. He proceeded to explain the plot of the show up to the episode playing on the screen before him.

"So those are the two dudes on your hoodie."

It wasn't in the form of a question, but Eren half-smiled and nodded.

"Then who's that guy?" he murmured, gesturing toward the TV while a handsome blue-eyed man wearing a trench coat was on screen.

"Castiel," explained Eren. "He's an angel and he's the one who-"

A sharp "shh!" came from Mikasa with a glare. "Don't spoil it!"

"Jeez, Mikasa, it's not like you don't already know."

"Still. Just be quiet."

Eren made an ugly face at her that she didn't see, causing Levi to snort sarcastically.

"What?" asked Eren, looking at him innocently.

"Such a brat," he muttered in response, mildly amused for the first time that night.

Eren grumbled something unintelligible under his breath; Levi elected to pretend he hadn't heard and attempted to focus on the show. The effort was fruitless, however, for he was hyper aware of the teen sitting only inches from him. They were so close, in fact, that Levi merely had to shift his weight and their thighs would be touching. He could simply lean his head to the side for it to land comfortably on Eren's steady shoulder. His heart continued to pound in a way he never remembered it beating before - hard and fast, causing places on his with any kind of pressure to throb, like his ass.

'Fuck, this is embarrassing,' he thought.

What was even stranger was that, despite his nervousness, he felt comfortable sitting next to the brat. It was fucked up. He didn't deserve to feel anything at all, especially toward someone so pure and genuine, yet there he was, comfortable.

'This brat will be the death of me before the monster ever could be...'

After a while, the soft voice of Eren's mother piped up from behind them.  
"Anybody hungry? Dinner's ready."

"Starving," said Eren cheerfully, jumping to his feet. "Come on, Levi."

Holding his breath, the raven rose to his feet and followed Eren into the kitchen, preparing himself for meal conversations he had never experienced.

~*~

It wasn't long after dinner when Levi disappeared outside; Eren could only assume it was for a smoke. The raven had started to get strangely quiet toward the end of the meal and the teen couldn't help but feel there was something a bit off about him.

"He seems like a very...complicated person," Carla was saying as they stood side by side doing the dishes, just as every night.

"What do you mean?" asked Eren. He felt he knew, but his mom was an observant person. He was curious what she had to say about him.

"It's easy to tell he's been through a lot...just like we have. He seems like he's got a lot to say, but tends to keep it to himself most of the time. He has a good heart, but he seems kind of lost and lonely."

Eren stopped drying a plate long enough to look at his mother with wide eyes. "You could tell all that by just one conversation with him?"

She smiled wisely. "I've been around a while, son...and I've also seen a number of hardships myself, as have you. Maybe it's just me, but going through things like that tends to open your eyes to others around you...especially those who have been through rough times themselves. Levi is definitely one of those people."

"He...yeah, he is." Eren divided his attention back to the plate.

"You care about him a lot, too, I can tell."

Eren immediately felt the blood rush to his face and he angled himself so the reddening of his tan skin wouldn't be so apparent to her, though the effort was fruitless. She was his mother; she didn't even have to look up to know he was blushing.

"Don't be embarrassed about it, darling," she murmured. "There isn't anything shameful about caring for someone...especially if they've been through hardships."

"It's just...I feel like I barely met him. I feel like it's weird to care so much about someone I don't know all that well."

"Love knows no bounds, Eren. I've told you that before."

Eren nearly dropped the knife between his fingers. "Wh-what? I never said I love him..."

"I suppose not...and that is entirely for you to decide. But remember to keep an open mind."

With that, she pulled the plug from the drain in the sink and started putting the dishes in their places. Eren watched the suds spiral down the drain and let her words sink in, though without any analysis. He didn't want to analyze that yet. He wasn't ready for what possibilities might open up in his mind once he did, not ready at all.

Eren hung the towel over the sink to dry and said, "I think I'm gonna to talk to him. Something seemed off."

Carla nodded once with a smile of encouragement. With a deep breath, Eren moved to put his shoes and hoodie on before stepping out into the freezing air. Puffs of mist manifested in front of his face as he exhaled, and although it wasn't snowing, it was so cold he thought frostbite could take his vulnerable fingers quickly.

He peered around in search of Levi and found him leaning casually against the light pole in the corner of the yard. After pulling his hood up, he quietly and carefully approached the man with hunched shoulders and tight fists to keep as much heat in his body as possible.

There was the short, barely glowing stub of a cigarette between Levi's slender fingers, a thin trail of smoke dancing away from it and disappearing into the frigid air. His head reclined back against the metal pole and he stared blankly up at the clouds. He didn't notice Eren's approach until he was a mere few feet from him.

"Sup, brat?" he asked quietly without moving.

"What's up with you, Levi?" he asked in a concerned tone.

"What do you mean?"

"Something's off. I can tell. Are you not enjoying yourself? Did Mikasa offend you? Because I can-"

"It's none of that," he murmured, eyes sliding closed.

"Then what is it?"

"I was right when I said it wasn't really a good idea for me to come here tonight."

Eren frowned deeply and took a hesitant step forward. "I don't understand..."

"You wouldn't. Don't worry." The more Levi spoke, the softer and more broken his voice seemed to get.

"Then help me understand, Levi. I want to help."

A small 'tch' escaped Levi's slightly smiling lips. It was a heartbreakingly melancholy smile, and Eren's heart squeezed painfully at the sight of it. "You want to understand, huh?"

"Yes," said Eren firmly.

"I am undeserving of this kindness."

His words were almost inaudible. Eren thanked the quiet that came with snow; it was what allowed his ears to pick those words up.

"Why do you think that? Of course you're not."

"You _really_ don't understand, Eren."

Eren's frown deepened; he couldn't help being slightly offended and immensely confused. "You've been through so much, Levi. You deserve something good. You deserve kindness."

"A lot of that shit I've been through is self-inflicted," muttered the artist, eyes rolling back up to the sky.

"Wh-what do you mean?"

A bubble of anxiety formed in Eren's stomach. Levi snuffed what was left of his cigarette out on the pole behind him and flicked it into the snow as he stood up straight. His dark orbs, only slightly shiny by the glow of the orange light above them, met Eren's confused ones very seriously, yet very sadly. The teen felt that sadness right down to his very bones.

"May I show you something?" asked Levi, voice mirroring the expression of his eyes.

"Yeah..." Eren gulped.

Visibly, the man drew in a deep breath and began rolling his left sleeve up. Immediately, Eren could see what he meant by self-inflicted issues. There were scars crisscrossing up his entire forearm. They were horrifyingly straight - Eren knew exactly what that meant.

He kept going, however, until the sleeve was rolled just above his elbow. Upon laying eyes on the marks covering Levi's bony arm, a sinking, sinking feeling settled into the pits of his stomach.

Had his eyes not been so sensitive, he wouldn't have seen them. The absolutely tiny, yet vast number of needle pricks marking his inner elbow in many, many places. Levi gave him a good, long look, keeping his eyes on the teen's face as he let what it was settle into his mind.

There he was, showing the truth of his living hell for the past eight years to this brat he'd only met a few months ago. Letting him see the absolute truth of who...no, what he truly was. Letting him be the first of anyone other than himself to lay on those tiny scars that would never, ever be erased for as long as he lived, which wouldn't be much longer, he was sure.

"Wha...?" Eren murmured, hand beginning to extend toward Levi's arm. Faster than lightning, the man yanked his sleeve back in place and moved his arm back to his side, making his point that he absolutely did not want Eren to touch him...to touch the filth that was his arm...the filth that was himself. He would not subject someone as pure as Eren Jaeger to his tainted body, mind, or soul...not anymore.

"What do you think it is, Eren?" he asked seriously.

Eren's glassy eyes flicked up to meet Levi's. "You're..." The teen seemed to be struggling with his words. "It's...it's much more than depression." He was choking the words out.

"Heroin," Levi spat. "It's heroin. And it's turned me into this." He gestured up and down his body. "I know. This is a shitty way for you to find out. It's Christmas. You're supposed to be joyful on Christmas, right? And here I stand, ruining that for you because I have been too selfish to tell you before now. And I'm still selfish because part of me is still hoping you'll stay after this." He turned, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. "I'm a terrible person. Terrible, Eren. I can't understand why you care about me. Or...cared. I'm doing an extremely fucked up thing to you." He was pacing now. "You're different. You...fascinated me. Made me feel. Feel things other than this idiotic euphoria I've been chained to for so long. I get addicted to things like that. But once I saw how amazing your family is, how incredibly kind your mother is..." He stopped, dropping his forehead into his hand and squeezing tightly. "I'm sorry, Eren. I truly am. I wish things were different. I should've told you immediately...or gotten away from you. And now...after what happened to your father...god, I should just put a bullet in my brain right now."

Eren was frozen where he stood, though it had absolutely nothing to do with the below freezing temperature surrounding his now timid body. He watched Levi closely, heart pounding, conflicting emotions creating something of a hurricane throughout his entire being. He had no inkling as to what to make of this situation...and felt he had no time to think. All he could seem to imagine was the scenario of finding his father in the bathroom, slumped against the bathtub, lifeless...though instead of his father, it was Levi lying there, slate gray eyes vacant of any and all life. Simply imagining something like that caused rancid bile to rise in his throat, his stomach to churn, and a heavy, impenetrable sadness to settle over him.

"Say something," Levi practically begged. "Tell me to get the hell out of your sight. Tell me you never want to see me again. It's the only way I'll be able to make myself leave and spare you any more suffering."

"I-I'm not going to tell you that," Eren forced himself to say. "I just..." He wrapped his arms securely around his torso. "You understand why...I don't think I can...I can't..."

"I know, Eren. I know."

"No...it's just..."

What was he supposed to say? The truth was he really did care for Levi...and he didn't want to abandon him. This reveal explained so much...so much that should've been obvious in the past, but for some reason Eren had been utterly oblivious to it.

Suddenly, the memory of his crushing depression came flying back to him. The sight of his even more depressed mother and the way it had fucked her up to no return. The way he felt after he lost his father...and it seemed so much worse to lose Levi in that way. The only solution he could come up with on the spot was to distance himself, rid himself of every emotional attachment he had to the broken man in front of him.

"I can't go through that again, Levi," he whispered brokenly. "I'm sorry."

"I understand. I told you before...I shouldn't be allowed to have emotions. I'm so incredibly sorry for doing this to you."

With that, he started back toward the house. Eren watched him for a moment before breaking out of his frozen shell and following.

Levi didn't so much as step in any further than the entryway and said, "Thank you, Mrs. Jaeger, for your kindness and the delicious meal." He turned on his heel and, without another glance at the teen, strode down the sidewalk and disappeared around the corner. Eren watched him in desperation the entire way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave Eren a super close relationship with his mom 'cause dammit he deserves it!


	10. *~Chapter NIne~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So from here on, things get pretty dark. I honestly didn't hold back, but I also honestly didn't really ever plan on sharing this publicly when I started writing it. I'm just warning you now. ;P

"Eren, honey, come inside."

Sudden warmth on his hand snapped him out of his state. Carla had reached out with both of her hands to take his and was coaxing him back toward the warmth of the house. Almost mechanically, he followed her in and let her shut the door behind him.

"You're freezing," she murmured. "Take your shoes off and come in. I'll make some hot tea."

"No! No tea," he mumbled hastily.

"Alright. Cocoa then. Just start warming yourself up."

Eren complied with her words, though he wasn't sure what force compelled him to. He was still imagining Levi's scars, his broken face, the cracking in his voice...his confession.

He ended up lying in the reclining chair, staring into space. He was vaguely aware of Mikasa staring at him from the couch and Carla reentering the room to cover him with several soft, heavy blankets.

"Eren, sweetheart, what happened?" she asked, bending down and gently caressing his still-frozen cheek with her warm palm. "Is Levi alright?"

The teen visibly flinched at the sound of the name; his gaze fell away from hers. "I...can't see him anymore," he mumbled almost inaudibly.

"Why not?"

"It'll just be a repeat of Dad." With that, he buried his face into the warm blankets in front of him.

"Oh, honey..." Carla gently kissed his forehead. There was no way she knew exactly what he meant by those words, but it was more than likely she had an idea. "Get some rest, alright?"  
He didn't respond and felt her walk away.

"So he's a druggie, too, huh?" Mikasa asked. Eren couldn't see her, but even she sounded sad. "Shoulda seen that one coming."

Eren ignored her. A few minutes later, Carla came in and placed a steaming cup of brown liquid on the table next to him. "Do you want anything else?"

"Um...just my phone. And my headphones. Please."

She retrieved them from the kitchen counter and placed them next to the mug on the table. He felt her brush his hair back one more time, kiss his forehead, and then disappear again, this time with Mikasa.

"Why are you babying him?" asked the girl.

"I'm not sure what happened out there, but I can tell it wasn't good. He needs all the comfort I can offer," explained Carla in her motherly tone.

"Why? What's the big deal? So his coworker's an addict...why is it affecting him so much?"

"He has feelings for Levi, Mikasa. That's why."

"Jeez. I don't understand adults."

"Just try not to disturb him, okay? Let him rest and collect his thoughts."

"Yeah, whatever."

Eren stuffed his headphones in his ears after that, turned it up as loud as he dared, and tapped shuffle. He let the smell of the blankets around him, - the scent of home – and the music lull him to sleep.

He dreamt of scars. Thousands and thousands of scars. His own - one on the left side of his forehead from when he fell down the stairs at age seven; one on his knee from when he fell off of his bike when he was fourteen. One on his shoulder from scratching too much at a rash at eleven. Several more on his thighs and hips, starting from when he was maybe twelve...and only having stopped accumulating a little over a year ago...scars that so greatly resembled the ones marking up Levi's forearms...

He woke up with the words 'I'm sorry' repeating over and over and over in his head.

His dazed eyes opened to the gray light streaming in between the blinds from the window across the room. Below it on the couch laid his sleeping mother, still fully dressed. She must've stayed to watch over him and ended up falling asleep.

Stiffly, he sat up and fumbled for his phone. His headphones had come out in the middle of the night and were now tangled in the crack next to the cushion in the chair along with the phone itself. He fumbled to pause the music and tossed the device on the table next to where the long since cold mug of cocoa still sat.

Eren stood, collecting the blankets in his arms and reached down to unplug the Christmas tree lights. They made him feel sick, as did the much too cheery object they clung to. He averted his eyes from it and moved across the room to gently cover Carla with the blankets and soundlessly kissed her cheek, a way of saying thank you.

With that, he shuffled up the stairs and into the bathroom. He turned on the shower almost as hot as it would go and, after stripping his clothes off, stepped into the steadily steaming stream. The liquid was almost too hot for him to handle, but he bit his tongue and forced himself to endure it.

That was when everything came rushing back to him at once, like a river breaking free from behind a dam. Levi's confession. The broken, agonized look in his eyes. The heart-wrenching feeling it manifested in the teen.

So Levi was addicted to heroin then, huh? Mikasa was kind of right - should have seen that one coming. Eren always knew there was something off about Levi, a vibe he didn't get from other people. He thought it was depression, maybe, or some other kind of mental illness. Well, he hadn't been totally wrong, it was just much worse than he could've imagined. And maybe, somewhere inside of him, he'd known it, but the rest of him denied it because of what happened to his father.

_'I can't go through that again, Levi, I'm sorry.'_

Damn right he couldn't. He already bore scars from the last time - both physically and non. He learned early on in life how horrific it was for someone to lose a person they love to drug addiction. Sure, he'd had it bad, but it tore his mother apart. He couldn't imagine that kind of suffering, and there was absolutely no way he could go through something like that himself, especially on top of his own grief from his own position from Grisha's death.

Someone they loved? Did he love Levi? Yes, he supposed in a way he did. But none of that mattered anymore. Levi was messed up and Eren didn't know the extent of it at all. How deep was his addiction? How long had he been that way? What was the cause? Was he truly just a thug like Mikasa said? Eren really didn't know, and because of these idiotic feelings he bore, he didn't want to stick around to find out. It was better to cut the ties now, to rid himself of such emotions before they got too strong, before he got too attached and ended up in even more pain in the long run.

He wouldn't quit his job, though, not yet. He'd start looking elsewhere, work around Levi as he did, and then tell Reiner he quit once he landed a position somewhere else. Piece of cake, right?

The brunet stood unmoving under the steady stream of water until the hot water supply ran out and rendered him a mess of shivers. He shut it off, stepped out, and started drying himself off. In the midst of rubbing his hair with a towel, he caught sight of his body in the full-length mirror. He stood and stared for a long moment...the scars lighter than the rest of his skin marking up the lower part of his abdomen, hips, thighs, and parts of his ribs. He'd forgotten how many there were...crisscrossing over each other several times. Each had felt like a release, though only momentarily. A distraction of sorts. He could still feeling the slight prick as he made each one and the warm red liquid dripping from it, painful yet fascinating...

A sharp knock on the door broke him from his thoughts.

"Eren, hurry up, I have to pee!" Mikasa shouted.

"Sorry, hold up," he muttered, securing the towel around his waist just high enough to cover most of the markings, using his arms to shield the rest. He collected the dirty clothes from the floor and exited the bathroom. Mikasa shot him a dirty look - one he promptly ignored - as he strode across the hall and disappeared into his room.

Yeah, he'd stay away from Levi, as he probably should've done in the first place. He discarded both his mother's and Armin's words. They'd been wrong about the situation. It didn't matter. He would focus on school and his friends and let everything go back to normal. Levi who? He had no idea; he'd never met anyone named Levi. Except that red haired kid in sixth grade who always fell asleep in class. His name was Levi, right? Yeah, that was the only person with that name he'd ever met...

_'It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter...'_

*~Levi~* (Addict journal entry #???)

_I never thought life could get so infinitely fucked up. I never thought my rut could ever go any deeper than it already has. Yet here I am, standing in eternal damnation...lost to anything I could have loved._

_..._

_How could I have let this happen? Oh, right, because I'm an enormous idiot. No, I am more than an idiot. There is no word for how absolutely stupid I feel...how stupid I am._

_Oh well. I don't deserve him anyway. Everything within me, my monster especially, knows that. He's got so much going for him - his kindness, his caring nature, his talent, his looks, even his stubbornness and oh my fucking god I am in love with him. So very deeply..._

_It doesn't matter. Someone as great as him could never love a pathetic thing like me. I am the worst thing for him. The only selflessness I have in me is for him and I will not subject him to the likes of me. I will not put him through that. Not again. Hope was lost on me so very long ago and I can't change. I chose the monster over everything I love and now that I might be willing to choose something I love over the monster, it's much too late. Not only am I dependent on this venom, but because of that dependence, I have lost him now, too, and because I'm so screwed up, why in the world would he come back...to a monster like me, who can't change..._

_..._

_I can't change, can I? Eight years of my life already down the drain for my monster. Strange...it feels so much longer than that. Even so, how could I ever go back to normal, if I ever could? Rehab? Tch, fat chance - medical insurance is one of the many so-called important things I threw away for my monster._

_..._

_...could I do it on my own, perhaps? Withdrawals...they aren't pretty. Even the early symptoms after the high dies down - the itching and shaking - are almost too unpleasant to bear...and it only gets worse from there. On top of that, the thoughts and memories of my sober mind invade, and they are much, much worse than the monster. They're demons and the whole reason I was introduced to the monster in the first place. Can I face the demons and exterminate the monster for this brat I think I love? Is it even possible? Do I even want to?_

_Of course I do...for him...if my monster thinks it is my weakness, then it knows nothing of the likes of Eren Jaeger. If my needle is a monster, then the brat must be a freaking angel. And for an angel, I will rise from my own personal hell, no matter what it takes. After all, it's the least I could do..._


	11. *~Chapter Ten~*

School continued about a week after the new year began. Eren went to work, the sole fact that he needed to support his family being his only motivating factor. Levi hadn't been there at all, but the teen didn't allow himself to have an opinion about it. He worked, went to school, studied, ate, and slept, forcing his thoughts to focus on only those things while he did.

It wasn't long before his friends began to notice a change in his overall demeanor. He, Armin, Sasha, Christa, and Marco were having lunch together one day when it was brought up.

"Eren, how have you been doing?" asked Christa in her little girl voice, seeming genuinely concerned for him.

"I'm fine," he answered blankly.

"Are you sure about that?" Armin chimed in. "You don't seem like yourself lately."

"I guess so," he mumbled with a shrug before taking a huge bite of his sandwich.

"Lately you've seemed so...distant, though," Sasha piped up. "There's definitely something up."

"Maybe he doesn't wanna talk about it, guys," Marco said. "Don't bug him about it."

Suddenly, a thought occurred to Eren. He was told many times by his past therapist that he should let people who care about him know what's going on in his mind and that it should at least help him feel a little better...getting the crap off of his chest. He figured it couldn't hurt to try.

"No, you guys are right," he said after taking a swig of water. "There is something wrong."

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Christa.

"I guess. Do you guys remember the guy I told you about from work? Levi?" He had trouble uttering the name, but he forced himself to say it. When they all nodded, he continued. "Turns out he's got a lot of...issues. Issues like my dad had before he died." Only Armin would know what that truly meant, but it was fine. He didn't want to reveal Levi's secret to anyone; even after the whole shitstorm, he wasn't that kind of person. "Remembering what that put my mom through and everything, I decided to stop...seeing him. We weren't together or anything, but we don't talk anymore." Eren kept his eyes on the table in front of him as he spoke.

"But he's your coworker," Sasha pointed out. "Isn't that kind of hard?"

Eren half-shrugged. "Not really. He hasn't been there since I found out."

"So you did have feelings for him," Marco murmured, staring wide-eyed at his brunet friend.

Again, Eren shrugged. "I-I guess so..."

"See, Marco? You and Jean aren't the only gay ones here," teased Christa.

"Shut up, Ms. Lesbian."

The blonde held up a finger. "Pansexual," she corrected. "Not lesbian."

"What about your girlfriend, then?"

Christa giggled. "She's lesbian."

"Point proven."

Armin turned solely to Eren, ignoring yet another bantering about sexuality by his friends, and spoke. "Eren, I think you made the right choice about what to do with Levi. But...remember what I said?"

"It doesn't matter," Eren said in a hard tone. "You were wrong."

With that, he hurriedly collected his things, threw the remaining contents of his tray in the garbage can, and rushed upstairs to his next class.

Armin was wrong, and so was his old therapist. He didn't feel better in the slightest after letting his problem off of his chest. In fact, he felt worse; the weight of the situation seemed to be sitting on him, crushing his chest, poking at his lungs and on its way to his vulnerable heart.

He couldn't focus on the lesson in class in the slightest. His mind continued to wander, and the more it did, the more he regretted talking about Levi.

'I am undeserving of this kindness.'

_Except, Levi, you're not. Or...you weren't._

'You want to understand, huh?'

_I truly, truly did._

'May I show you something?'

_No. It'll change everything._

'Heroin. It's heroin, and it's turned me into this.'

_Into what, Levi? A human being? With feelings and a beating heart?_

'And I'm still selfish because part of me is still hoping you'll stay after this.'

_Why, though? Why would you want me to stay?_

'You're different. You...fascinated me. Made me feel.'

_I never did anything..._

'God, I should just put a bullet in my brain right now.'

Suddenly, Eren's conscious mind faded to the background. He lifted his pencil, resting on the empty paper he should've been taking notes on and started writing.

_'Levi,_

_I guess we're both fucked up. And I wish things were different, too. I'm sorry they turned out this way. I guess it just wasn't meant to work out...whatever 'it' is._

_I still believe there's hope for you somewhere out there, it just has nothing to do with me. I'm sorry I can't stay and I'm sorry for hurting you. In the end, I think this way will spare both of us more suffering._

_Please don't do anything too...permanent. Don't "put a bullet in your brain". Please. For me, at least...as much more fucked up that is. I couldn't stand myself if I found out I was the reason for..._

_I'm sorry. Good luck._

_-Eren'_

He carefully tore the scribbled letter out of his notebook and folded it. He then slid it into the pocket in the front of his notebook and elected to forget about it until he got to work, where he would either leave it at Levi's work station or ask Reiner to somehow get it to him.

When he pulled up in front of the shop, his heart was pounding. Unsurprisingly, Levi wasn't there and neither was Petra. Reiner was inside, however, working on something at his computer with Alex.

"Hey Eren," he greeted cheerfully.

"Hey," the teen said quietly, setting his stuff down. He kneeled in front of his backpack to smoothly pull the letter from the notebook.

"How goes it?" Reiner asked.

"Okay, I guess."

Alex leaned forward, peering at him through her long, obviously fake white eyelashes. "You seem distressed by something."

He scratched awkwardly at the back of his neck. "Yeah...um...would you mind if I talked to you for a minute?"

"Not at all." She stood and followed him into the back room. He felt Reiner's curious eyes on his back the whole way. "What is it?"

"H-how often do you talk to your brother?" he mumbled, unable to meet her gaze.

"I go see what's up with him once or twice a week. Lately he's been feeling pretty shitty, too. Are your issues linked?"

"I guess you could say that. But look, can you do me a favor?"

"What's up?"

Eren finally managed to meet the girl's gaze and his heart squeezed, seeing the resemblance to her shorter brother. He extended his hand in her direction, the paper between his fingers. "Would you mind giving this to him the next time you see him?"

Alex gingerly grasped the paper between two of her fingers, eyebrows pulling together in almost the same way Levi's did.

"May I ask what it is?"

"It's...just a letter. Please don't read it."

She sent a reassuring smile his way. "Don't worry, I'm not that nosey."

"Thanks."

"I hope that whatever's up between you two works out," she murmured. "He seems to have taken a liking to you. He's finally seemed to lighten up a little since you showed up. I know it must sound kind of wrong since there doesn't seem to be much in it for you, but I hope you can help him with the issues he's been dealing with for a long time. No one else has seemed to be able to get through to him. But you...you give him hope, Eren."

With each of her words, Eren added another log to his internal dam to hold his emotions back. He did not want to break down right there in front of Levi's sister, especially not after he'd just given her that letter.

"Um...yeah," was all he could think to mumble.

She cocked a half smile, poked his cheek gently, and then turned and exited the room.

Fortunately, the dam seemed to be holding up as he focused on his work and his too loud music. On the drive home, with every roll of the tires crawling along the road and bringing him closer to home, the more he could feel his dam faltering, and drip by drip, his emotions got through. He pulled over to the side of the road just as the first tear escaped his right duct. It wasn't long before he was doubled over with hysteria, hugging his knees to his chest right there in the driver's seat as Carry On My Wayward Son blasted on the radio. He let the volume of the music and his knees muffle his sobs.

'I hope that whatever's up between you two works out.'

_Sorry, Alex._

'He's finally seemed to lighten up a little since you showed up.'

_I didn't do anything for him..._

'No one else has seemed to be able to get through to him. But you...you give him hope, Eren.'

"Why?" he blubbered aloud. "Why me? Why this? What did I do?" He smacked the steering wheel with his fist with every question. "Why did you have to do this to me?!" he shouted at nothing. "Why did you have to go and fucking kill yourself?! Were you trying to ruin my life?! You hurt Mom! You hurt me! And now you've made me too afraid to help someone I care about! Fuck you, Dad! Burn in hell!"

Eren was screaming into his knees, punching the top of the steering wheel over and over and over, grief and pain consuming him.

After a while, his phone rang. He turned the radio down and, composing himself as best he could, answered it.

"Hi Mom," he mumbled.

"Eren, honey, are you alright?" she asked in her worried mom voice.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I'll be home soon. Don't worry."

"Okay, sweetie. Be safe, alright?"

"Yeah, I will. I love you, Mom."

"I love you, too, darling."

He set his phone back down and restarted his car to make his way the rest of the way home.

_'No more idiotic tears,'_ he growled to himself internally. _'Never cry for him again. Forget him entirely. He doesn't exist. It. Doesn't. Matter.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But Eren, honey, will you _really_ forget? Cx
> 
> I just want you guys to know that if I don't reply to your comments, it doesn't mean I don't see them or that I'm ignoring you or anything...most of the time it's simply because I either don't really know what to say or because I feel like I'm wearing out the words "thank you", even though I cannot thank you all enough. ♥
> 
> Anyway, lots more angst is coming~ 
> 
> Thanks for reading, lovelies! Let me know what you think!


	12. *~Chapter Eleven~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Mention of suicide, and a description of physical assault. Please be safe. ♥

Days passed. Weeks, and then a month.

A month.

Of emptiness.

School went on, so did work. Life in general resumed around the teen as if nothing had happened. The back room of the shop was finally cleaned up and Reiner had Eren do other things. Levi neglected to ever show up after revealing his secret to Eren on Christmas. Reiner said he was on leave until further notice for personal reasons...

"I don't know what for. He didn't say and it isn't my place to ask."

Eren knew why. He knew exactly why Levi had taken this leave, or so he thought.

"I don't get it, Eren. You seemed to be one of the few people he actually liked. He seemed to be climbing out of the hole he was in because of you. And then one day he comes in and says he'll be gone until further notice unless I wanted to fire him. I can't afford to lose someone as good as him, so no way was I gonna do that, but...I really just don't understand it."

"I don't know, either," said Eren flatly. Fortunately, Reiner dropped the subject after that.

That month was seemingly the longest of Eren's life. He found himself reluctant to get out of bed each morning. His grades quickly started slipping. He was no longer as talkative and cheerful around his friends, and they noticed, despite his forced efforts to seem his normal self.

He was plunging back into his depression from when his father passed away. He knew it, though felt completely powerless to do anything about it unlike last time. He was empty. There was a void in him that let the wind blow right through.

Was it due to the short, raven-haired artist's absence? No - that was ridiculous. He was an addict; nothing good could come out of a relationship like that. Sure, Levi had made him feel things he'd never imagined before; - a longing, foreign urges, fluttering and anticipation in unexplainable ways - he even had an inkling he loved the druggie, but he refused to let it get to him now. He wouldn't subject himself to a relationship like that, even on the off chance the feelings were requited.

These words were drilled over and over in his head, trained to surface every time even the subtlest thoughts of Levi attempted to poke their way through. Those thoughts were persistent, however, and seemed to get stronger each time they tried to invade.

Eren denied over and over and over again that his depression was caused by Levi's absence. A part of him, deep down, knew he was lying to himself, that this was exactly the reason for it. He forcefully shoved that piece of himself away, - those feelings - buried them in other, less important things, building yet another wall to hold them back. This only served to make the cloud of depression darker, but he tried to work around that as well. There was so much built up inside of him that it was only a matter of time before his personal, internal dam gave out.

He thought of it kind of like a garbage can when you're too lazy to empty it. You keep shoving things inside of it, more and more, thinking it'll make it until trash day when you'll take it out...but it doesn't, and eventually the trash spills out or the bag breaks.

'What, now I'm comparing my emotions to trash? Ha, makes sense...'

"Eren, you in there?"

There was a loud snapping noise that broke the brunet out of his internal babble and his head snapped up.

"Huh?"

It was Armin, snapping his bony fingers in front of Eren's face. They were sitting at their normal spot in the dining hall before school having breakfast. The rest of his friends were chattering away amongst themselves while Armin was attempting to capture Eren's attention.

"Did you hear what I said?" asked the blond, frowning in concern and slight annoyance.

"No, sorry." He sat up straight. "What?"

"I asked how you're feeling about the test today," Armin clarified.

"Test?" Eren searched Armin's soft face in confusion, remembering nothing about any tests.

Armin sighed. "Eren, you've got to start getting things together if you don't want to fail the semester. Your grades have really dropped and now you're forgetting tests." He shook his head in disapproval.

"Sorry. Yeah, I know. I'm just...not feelin' too great."

"I can tell." Armin's blue orbs studied him closely, almost scrutinizing. "It seems a lot like when your-"

"Don't say it," Eren snapped loudly, grabbing the attention of the rest of the table and causing Armin to flinch. "Sorry," he said quickly. "I just...I know, Armin."

"You should get help, Eren," he replied softly. "Maybe go see the counselor...or make an appointment with your therapist again."

"I'm fine. It's not that bad," he lied, averting his eyes again. "We should get going if we don't want to be late."

"Er...yeah..."

The two gathered their things and, after Armin waved at the rest of their friends, headed upstairs.

"What's got you so down lately?" Armin asked halfway up the stairs.

"Hard to say."

"You know you can talk to me. I just want to help and for you to be happy again."

"Thanks, Armin."

At the top of the stairs, Armin seized the sleeve of Eren's hoodie to stop him. "I'm serious, Eren. What is it? I don't mean to be pushy, but I'm afraid you're going to do something you regret...or something permanent."

"Permanent? Like what? Like suicide?"

The shorter teen flinched again. "Maybe. I don't know. Have you been thinking about it?"

"No. I told you it's not that bad."

Armin's sky blue eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You know, I noticed something about a week ago...about how this all started just over a month ago, right after Christmas when you said you stopped talking to Levi."

It was Eren's turn to flinch. He averted his eyes from Armin's and recited his denial once again internally.

"Must just be a coincidence," he muttered.

"Something tells me it's not. And you know it." Eren half shrugged. "Eren, really," pleaded Armin, voice much softer now. "I hate to see you like this. Why won't you just try and get help? Talk to me, at least."

"I don't think it will help, Armin," said Eren truthfully. "I'm just getting by. It'll go away eventually. I'm fine. Or...I will be. Don't worry about it." With that, he yanked his sleeve from Armin's clasp and proceeded to class, fighting his traitor tears the entire way.

**~Levi~**

"Jesus, that's disgusting," the raven muttered to himself as he sat up, flushed the toilet, and leaned heavily against the side of the bathtub. He'd just thrown up for the third time in that hour. He was exhausted, shaking, and feeling entirely too empty. Breathing labored, his body shook and he sweated out what little water he managed to force down his burning throat.

Life without the monster was hell. No, worse. Rather than the drug coursing through his veins and keeping him company, his own thoughts did so instead. Memories the monster kept away resurfaced one at a time, haunting him until he could no longer take it and he went right back to the syringe.

As he lay there against the cold of the tub, eyes open but unfocused, mouth tasting like absolute shit, another one came.

_"Levi, just cooperate with me! It will be so much easier and faster if you don't struggle!"_

_"No!" he screamed. "Get the hell off of me!"_

_"Please," the woman begged. "Don't you want to repay your aunt for all she's done for you?" He'd stopped his struggles short, youthful, innocent eyes widening. "Good. That's better. Just cooperate. You might like it."_

_Oh, but he didn't like it. It felt dirty, wrong, even painful. He'd started fighting again, kicking and screaming, but it was pointless...she was so much stronger than him, so much bigger. He didn't let that stop him, but his fighting didn't stop her, either._

_"You're being a little shit, Levi! Stay still, dammit!"_

_"You're hurting me!" he wailed. "I can't breathe! Get off! Get-"_

_Her disgusting hand came down over his nose and mouth, leaving him truly unable to breathe._

_"Do you wanna know what suffocation feels like? Keep struggling and you'll learn!" she growled._

The raven jolted up and, with a shaky body, fumbled under the sink for that little bit of death that was life at the same time. It didn't take him long to find it; it had been right where he'd left it, of course.

As he readied his poison, he pressed his forehead to the front of the sink.

"I'm so sorry, Eren," he whispered brokenly before plunging the monster back into his bloodstream.

**~Eren~**

The inviting scent of pizza cheerfully met Eren's nose as he entered his home that evening. Kicking his shoes off, he shuffled into the kitchen to find Mikasa hunched over her school books, alternating between studying and taking bites of the pizza from the plate off to the side.

"Hey," he said. "Where's Mom?"

"Upstairs," the girl answered absently.

Eren was halfway to the stairs when Carla came down. She greeted him with a smile. "Hello, Eren."

"Hey Mom," he mumbled.

"I ordered pizza for dinner. Your favorite kind, too." She waved him toward the kitchen and he followed, feeling slightly confused.

"Why pizza? I thought you were gonna make steak tonight..."

"I know, but I decided to change it up for once. Dig in!"

He complied. He couldn't really argue with pizza - it was kind of a rarity around his house. He took a seat in his normal spot at the table and was halfway through his first slice when he noticed the plastic cases stacked next to the napkin holder. Curiously, he plucked one up and read the title of the movie, and then the other.

"What is all this, Mom?" he asked, slightly frowning.

"It's Friday and I've noticed you've been having a hard time lately. I thought I could do something to cheer you up, and I know how much you love pizza and movies."

The teen couldn't help but be surprised at these gestures she'd obviously gone out of her way for. Sure, she was the best mother in the history of humankind, but even this seemed out of the norm for her.

"Well thanks...but you didn't have to do that."

"I know. I did because I wanted to."

"O-okay..."

After dinner, Carla insisted Mikasa put her books up for the night and they all gather in the living room to watch the movies. Eren was grateful she'd picked one of his favorites so he had something easy to focus on.

After it ended, Mikasa announced that she was going to bed and disappeared upstairs. Eren plucked up the other DVD, asking, "Do you wanna watch this one now?"

Carla moved from her place in the recliner to the couch next to him in the spot Mikasa had so recently occupied. "Sure, if you want to." She looked at him very seriously. "But first I think we should talk."

Surprised, he asked, "About what?" He turned to face her, pulling one leg up onto the couch.

"Armin called this afternoon," she began. "He said he's worried about you...because your depression is hitting you hard right now."

Eren sighed and let his forehead fall upon his knee. "I told him not to worry about it."

"That's what he said, but I think he's right to worry about it. And I'm worried about it, too."

"It's nothing, Mom. It happens sometimes. I'll be fine."

"I know you'll be fine. You're strong...but I also think this time it's too much for you to handle on your own. You should tell someone about what's got you so down. Getting it off your chest might help."

"I already tried that. Didn't work."

"Well, Armin also pointed out that he noticed this started just after Christmas...right when you broke things off with Le-"

"Don't say his name," Eren cut in through his teeth. "I-It's not him."

He felt the couch shift and when he looked up, his mother had moved closer. She placed her warm, soft hand over his and gave him a small knowing smile. "Eren, darling, denying it is only going to make things worse. Armin knows, I know, and you know that's exactly what it is."

The teen clenched his teeth and averted his eyes to the side. He had nothing to say to that. Not only did he hate lying to his mother, it was futile - she saw right through him every time.

"You really care for him, don't you?" she asked, squeezing his hand. "I can see it in your eyes."

"It doesn't matter, though," he muttered. "He's addicted to heroin...it's only a matter of time before..." He shook his head hard, hair flying. "I can't go through that again."

"But is that just something you're telling yourself because you're afraid?"

"I don't know..."

"Eren, I only want what's best for you. And you and I both know this isn't it."

"Then what _is_?"

"I think that's for you to decide. You're a perfectly capable adult. You don't need your old mom telling you how to live your life."

Eren went back to burying his face in his knee. "But I don't know what to do," he mumbled in a shaky tenor. "He's bad, Mom. You should've seen all of the scars on his arm...I can't imagine what the rest of him looks like. It scares me because I don't know what he might do...if he'll turn out just like Dad or what."

He felt the warm, familiar embrace of his mother go around him and her voice was suddenly in his ear. "Then he needs help, Eren. You told me he doesn't really talk to anybody but his sister, right?"

"Yeah, and even she doesn't see him much. But he could be out there getting worse, doing other drugs or a number of other things."

"Then find him, Eren. You care, don't you? You even love this man."

Eren stopped short. She'd brought _that_ up again...yet it struck a chord in him. That was when his internal dam burst and let everything escape, everything he'd been holding in over the past several weeks, all of those emotions he bore strictly for Levi flooding out like a herd of wild animals that had been caged for much too long. And he decided that yes, he did in fact, love the junkie.

_This sucks major balls_ , he thought glumly to himself.

"I-I guess so," he mumbled out loud.

Carla sat back just enough to tilt her son's chin up so he would meet her gaze. She was completely sincere in the way it radiated off of her and in her next words.

"Then go. Find him. Help him the way I couldn't help your father. Before it's too late, Eren. You know what you have to do if you love him the way you seem to."

His moist turquoise eyes widened. "But-"

She shook her head, eyes closed. "No. It will only make things worse if you stay here and let him get worse. It will hurt more if you find out he's done something permanent and you didn't at least try to help him. You'll blame yourself and spend the rest of your life wondering what you could've possibly done different, what you could've done to save him, and it'll never go away."

Eren felt the truth in her words in his very soul, coursing through his veins like his own kind of drug. And suddenly everything snapped into perspective, terrified as he was.

"But what if it's already too late?" he asked brokenly, one of those traitor tears escaping down his hot cheek.

Carla caught it with the pad of her thumb. "It isn't. I can feel it."

"But how am I supposed to help him? I don't know how..." He trailed off, frowning and shaking his head.

"Believe me when I say that when you see him, you'll know exactly what to do. And I'm always just a phone call away."

With a deep breath, Eren put on his best game face and nodded. "Thank you, Mom. I'd be totally lost without you."

The woman grinned. "I'm your mom, it's what I'm here for."


	13. *~Chapter Twelve~*

_Eyes like a car crash...I know I shouldn't look, but I can't turn away..._

_...body like a whiplash; sew my wounds but I can't heal the way I feel about you..._

_I watch you like a hawk._

_I watch you like I'm gonna tear you limb from limb._

_Will the hunger ever stop?_

_Can we simply starve this sin?_

Levi stared blankly at the ceiling of his bedroom. The sun had long since sunk below the horizon left him in the dark; the only light came from the neon blue numbers of the clock to his right. The song played out, piercing him like needles in an abundance of places.

_That little kiss you stole, it held my heart and soul. And like a deer in the headlights, I meet my fate._

_Don't try to fight the storm, you'll tumble overboard..._

_...tides will bring me back to you._

The lyrics were little parasites, invading his mind, body, and soul through the tiniest pores. As they progressed, they destroyed him mercilessly from the inside out, and he let them.

_On my deathbed, all I'll see is you._

_The life may leave my lungs, but my heart will stay with you..._

_That little kiss you stole, it held my heart and soul; and like a ghost in the silence, I disappear._

_Don't try to fight the storm, you'll tumble overboard._

_Tides will bring me back to you..._

Words. These words. In this particular combination, they were the epitome of his damnation.

_The waves will pull us under..._

"That little kiss you stole, it held my heart and soul...and like a deer in the headlights, I meet my fate..."

"Don't try to fight the storm, you'll tumble overboard..."

"Tides will bring me back to you..."

He let his eyes slide closed as he whispered the last words of the song, punctuating it with a sarcastic, breathy, insincere laugh.

"What a drama queen I've turned into," he muttered to himself. "Whatever. It's true."

He didn't expect to survive the night, not in this condition. He had nothing. Absolutely nothing. He was alone, a worthless piece of trash. Nobody cared. All he was doing was wasting space, oxygen, what little food he forced down his poor throat. There was nothing left for him. He might as well tie himself a noose and...

_buzz, buzz_

'Dammit, Alex,' he thought in annoyance as he reached for his phone on the nightstand. Despite the brightness setting being all the way down, the screen didn't fail to nearly blind him as he lit it up and held it in front of his face to unlock it. It took his assaulted eyes a minute to adjust before he realized the text message wasn't from Alex.

It was from Eren.

Quickly, he sat up, blinking rapidly to better clear his vision. His heart, which was only thumping pointlessly and slow in his chest a minute ago, was now in overdrive.

'What does he want? What's this about?' he thought nervously, anxiety bubbling in his chest. 'He hasn't contacted me in over a month, nor I him. And yet...'

He was reluctant to read the message. He had no inkling as to what it might say. Drawing in a deep, shaky breath, he held the device up again and let his eyes scroll across the short message.

|Hey, you awake?|

Hn. Should he even reply? What was Eren's intention? He wracked his brain for an answer, but could come up with none. His phone had just gone dark when it lit up and buzzed once more with another message.

|I know it's late. Sorry. But I think we need to talk.|

Gray eyes narrowed in further confusion.

'So this is what you meant when you said he makes you feel, huh?' whispered the monster. 'That brat is a nuisance.'

Levi ignored that voice momentarily to send a message back with shaking fingers.

|I'm up. What do you want?|

He wanted to make it seem like he was almost indifferent to the brat's sudden decision to talk to him. He should've left it alone, neglected to reply. The entire point of staying away from work was to remove himself from Eren's life and vice versa. But it was too late, and the brat had already replied.

|We need to talk, Levi. In person. I can't stand the way we left things anymore. Just hear me out, okay?|

Levi chewed his lip in thought. He knew how he should reply - tell the brat he couldn't, make every excuse possible and try to cushion the blow as best he could. And if that didn't work, he should straight up tell him off. However, he found he was incapable of that. Truthfully, he wasn't happy with the terms they parted on, either...but it was his fault. He had no right to try and change it.

With a sigh, he typed, |Meet me at the cafe by the shop in an hour. We'll talk, but I guarantee nothing.|

|Okay. Thank you.|

"Tch, thanking me? Idiot," he muttered aloud.

For the next hour, he had to prepare himself. He hadn't been out of the apartment in days, and it was a rarity that he did leave. If he did, it was to stock up on groceries and cigarettes, something he had too many of at that point.

Even after showering, combing his messy hair for ten minutes, and inhaling two death sticks in one hour, he still wasn't anywhere near presentable.

"Whatever. Not like I give two shits what anyone thinks." He smacked the light switch in the bathroom and stepped out into the hall.

'Oh, but you care what Eren thinks,' whispered the monster.

Levi clenched his teeth. He didn't deny it nor confirm it...didn't have to; the monster already knew. The monster always knew. It knew him inside out and backward, better than he even knew himself.

Before grabbing his keys off of the hook, he hesitated. He really shouldn't be driving, let alone high. He still hadn't gotten his license back and it had only been twenty minutes since he last shot up; the intoxication was still fresh as a newborn baby, nestling itself into the tiniest crevices of his being - a slow, bittersweet death.

"Fuck it," he muttered before yanking the keys off and heading out the door.

***~Eren~***

The teen drummed his fingers anxiously against the side of his cup of steaming coffee as he gazed out the window into the night. It was nearly 11 PM and he thanked his lucky stars for a coffee shop that stayed open twenty four hours. It felt almost too convenient, but he ignored that little fact.

He'd already been sitting there alone for half an hour, nerves on edge. He'd needed to prepare himself, so he left early. Driving always served to be useful when he needed to clear his head, though this time it didn't seem to affect him in the least.

'What am I even supposed to say to him?' he thought nervously. 'What if he doesn't even show up?'

Eren found himself checking his phone too often to see if he'd gotten a message from the raven, but he hadn't. He wasn't all that surprised when it got past quarter after eleven, an hour after their short text conversation, and Levi hadn't shown up yet. As the minutes dragged on, he was losing hope that Levi would ever show. His heart was sinking into his stomach.

_"If you truly care, you'll do everything in your power to help him. You won't give up. And I know you'll succeed."_

Something his mother told him before he left.

_"I love you, Eren, and good luck."_

Those were her parting words.

"Can't exactly help someone who flakes out on me," he grumbled to himself.

"What was that, brat?" came a gravelly voice from his right, causing him to jump and hastily turn around. Immediately, Eren's turquoise orbs widened considerably as he took in the sight of the source of the voice. He at first did not fully recognize the short tattoo artist standing before him. It wasn't due to the turtle neck, covering the roses on the left side of his neck beneath his hoodie that somehow looked too large for him. It wasn't because of the semi-familiar scowl plastered into his features, nor was it the dark red beanie covering the majority of his mohawk, with the exception of a messy clump hanging carelessly over his forehead.

No, it was because of the disturbing profusion of deterioration. If Eren thought the man was skinny before, he was afraid of what this might be considered. The only word that came to his mind was 'anorexic'. His somber gray eyes - surrounded by horrendously dark circles - were sunken into what looked like craters on his face, and his cheekbones were prominent against the sunken skin. His piercings, particularly the one on his eyebrow, stuck out like a sore thumb against his alabaster skin that bore an eerie gray undertone. Aside from his face, he still looked much too skinny. His clothes didn't fit him properly anymore and he carried himself in a way that suggested he might be in pain, or at least discomfort.

Eren felt the breaking of his heart inside of his ribcage at the ungodly sight. It had only been a month, yet Levi's body seemed to have deteriorated to little more than a skeleton. He couldn't imagine how his soul might be...

Was this the result of the use of other drugs, or what? Part of him was afraid to find out, but remembering his mother's words and his own feelings, he pushed that fear out of the way.

"Are you just gonna stare all night or do you want to talk?" Levi asked in a bored tone. Eren definitely hadn't imagined the raspiness of his once strong voice.

"S-sorry," he stammered and gestured to the seat across from him. "Have a seat."

Levi complied, and in just that one tiny movement, Eren could tell just how weak he'd become. The way he normally move showed that he was sure of himself, even confident and strong. This...no, this was totally the opposite.

"So," Eren began. "H-how have you been?"

Levi cocked a pierced brow. "Fine," he muttered, though it was obviously a lie. "What about you?"

"Okay, I guess," Eren said quietly, something his voice tended to do when he was lying.

The silence that followed was so thick with awkwardness it could be cut with a knife. The teen cleared his throat and searched for something else to say.

"Have you seen your sister recently?"

"Not since she gave me your...letter."

Internally, Eren cursed himself. That wasn't what he'd meant to say, and at the mention of the letter, he couldn't stop the flush in his cheeks.

"Why so long?" he asked.

"Fuck if I know." Levi gave Eren a hard stare. "Cut the bullshit, Eren. I thought you wanted to talk."

"I do..." The brunet glanced nervously around before meeting Levi's gaze. "Maybe we should go somewhere more private."

"Tch. There's hardly anyone here."

"Yeah, but it feels too public. I dunno. Let's go over to the shop.

With a heavy, evidently irritated sigh, Levi stood. The teen followed his lead outside and across the way to the shop. Promptly unlocking it, they went inside. Levi immediately flicked the lights on and turned up the heat.

Eren's heart was racing, adrenaline pumping mercilessly through his veins. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest at the way Levi was moving. Something seriously wrong had evidently been going on in his life for the past month; Eren had to find out what.

"So, what is it?" the man asked as he leaned casually next to the doorway to the back room.

"Maybe you should sit..." Eren suggested.

"I'm fine, brat. Just talk."

Sucking in a lungful of air, Eren elected to sit instead. "Well first and foremost...what happened to you?" His eyes were narrowed in concern, searching Levi's blank face.

"Withdrawals are a bitch. I'll leave it at that."

Eren could only assume what that meant, but felt he was wrong anyway. He decided not to ask further questions, not yet. He had to tell Levi what was on his mind while he had the courage.

"So if you can't stand the way we left things, change them. Like I said, I can't guarantee anything, though. I'm only doing this for you."

Eren blinked in surprise. "Okay...well..." He huffed. _'Might as well just get this over with...'_ "First and foremost, I just want to apologize. I don't really know how it affected you, cutting ties like that, but now I can see it."

"Don't get cocky. You can't just assume this is because of you."

Eren hummed, but his eyes, remaining on Levi's face, were knowing. "I suppose you're right...but it is, isn't it?" Levi dropped his gaze to the white linoleum. He said nothing. "So as little as it might mean, I truly am sorry."

"Is that it? That's all you wanted to say?"

"No...I mean, at first I was shocked...when you told me what you did. I know it's stupid because looking back, I realize the signs were there. It was just hard to accept after what happened to my dad...that I could potentially lose someone I care about to drugs again." Eren didn't miss the widening of Levi's eyes. "That depression was one of...no, _the_ worst thing I've ever been through. But after you left on Christmas...it got worse than I could ever have imagined. It took me long enough to finally admit it was because of the distance I put between us. Because of you and the shitty thing I must be putting you through. My mom...she noticed, of course. And she was the one who made me realize this. She told me if I truly care that much, to help you in the way she couldn't help my father. And I do care, Levi. I care a lot. More than you could ever understand. My mom loved my dad more than life itself. It was plain as day to me. And now I understand how she felt. I understand how it feels to love someone and want to help them. I don't know if the feeling is requited, but it doesn't change the way I feel. About you, Levi. I-I want to help you...if you'll let me..." he finished quietly, suddenly ten times as uneasy now that everything was out in the open.

Levi peered through his eyelashes at the teen, though his head was down and his arms remained crossed. His eyes flicked back and forth just slightly between the two bright, round ones gazing back at him. Eren's heart pounded as he waited for some kind of reaction. He'd just admitted that he had feelings for Levi, yet said man showed no signs of responding.

The brunet opened his mouth to beg him to say something, but was cut off by the man finally speaking up.

"Why do you want to help me? Other than the fact that you...c-care."

Eren stated the first words that came to his head, and as he spoke them, felt the absolute truth behind them.

"Because I don't want to see you end up like my dad."

Those words seemed to surprise Levi, too, because he visibly flinched. He tore his eyes from the floor to meet Eren's once more. There was no mistaking the mixture of hurt and determination swirling in those green irises.

"But I told you I don't deserve this, Eren. I'm a shitty human being," he mumbled. Even his scratchy voice was thick with the tears that threatened and he internally cursed himself for showing such weakness in front of this kid.

Eren felt his heart squeeze in total empathy. He stood and took a cautious step toward Levi. "That's what you think or what you tell yourself...or what some kind of monster may whisper in your ear," he murmured, "But trust me when I say it's a lie."

"Dammit, brat," Levi muttered between clenched teeth. He attempted to hide his sudden tears with his sleeve, but was a second too late, and again mentally socked himself. "How the hell could you love something like me? You must be out of your damn mind," he uttered between gritting teeth.

The teen couldn't help but crack a miniscule smile, nor could he help but to reach out and, ever so gently, embrace the man before him. He felt as fragile as he looked - Eren thought if he held too tight, he would disintegrate to dust just like that - terrifying, yet motivating.

"Love is weird," he said simply. "But I do."

Levi's entire frame shook in Eren's embrace. The hand that wasn't hiding his face clutched almost desperately to the front of Eren's hoodie.

"You're such a sh-shitty brat," he blubbered. "How the hell do you do this to me?"

"Do what to you?" Eren murmured, surprised.

"Get under my skin and make me _feel_ things I'm not supposed to feel." His fist tightened and he leaned in closer.

This scenario seemed more like a dream than anything that would happen in real life. But there he was with Levi enveloped in his embrace. It wasn't so much intimate or affectionate as it was for comfort, something Levi seemed to need an assload of. Something Eren was willing to _give_ an assload of.

He allowed a soft chuckle. "Will you let me help you, Levi?" he murmured.

The artist remained quiet for a minute as he worked to get his borderline erratic breathing under control. Eren knew he was considering his answer, as well, and he desperately hoped Levi couldn't hear the relentless fluttering of his heart.

Slowly, the man's head moved and he looked Eren straight in the eyes as he answered the question with his own.

"How much of a choice are you going to give me?"

Eren couldn't help but grin at Levi's usual question. In response, he gave his usual answer.

"Not much."

Levi's Adam's apple bobbed as he visibly gulped and nodded once just slightly. "Then yes."

"Goo-" Eren began, but stopped short once Levi's (obviously labored) breathing hitched and he was suddenly weakly attempting to push Eren away.

"What...?" he mumbled and, still not wanting to harm the short man, released his grip just in time for Levi to double over coughing.

It was a horrid sound, something that pierced Eren's ears and soul painfully. Little did he know, it was the first of many times he would be hearing it. His hands began fluttering toward the man, worry rising in his chest. "Levi, are you-?"

Again, his words were cut off by Levi's hand being held out to him, palm out. Eren's stomach clenched and gradually, the coughing subsided.

"I'm fine," Levi muttered. "Sorry."

"D-do you need water or something...?"

"No. I'm alright."

His voice was even hoarser than before. He stood up as straight as he could as, wearily, his eyes met the teen's. "That's not even the worst of it. Are you still sure you want to help me?"

Eren squared his shoulders and set his jaw. When he spoke, his voice was steady and certain. "Yes. I'm positive I do."

Levi rolled his eyes. "You must be crazier than I am."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this fic isn't my best writing at all, I'm so glad so many people seem to like this as much as they do :3 Thanks for all the positive feedback ♥


	14. *~Chapter Thirteen~*

Eren was just opening his mouth to reply when another coughing fit took Levi over. This time, however, he was unable to hold himself up any longer and nearly would've crumpled to the floor if it hadn't been for Eren's strong arms catching him and coaxing him into a chair. His shiny eyes were filled with concern as he kneeled before Levi, absently leaving a hand resting on his thin arm.

"Shit," mumbled Levi once the coughing subsided. "That hurts like a mother."

"Are you sure you don't want any water?" asked Eren, eyes flitting back and forth between the other's.

"That...might help," he admitted glumly.

He couldn't help but hate himself as Eren pushed himself to his feet and went to get requested water. The brat seemed so _concerned_ about him. It was mind-boggling, impossible to wrap his head around. No one, not even his sister, had ever looked at him with such worried eyes. It sent something of a thrill throughout his entire body, weak as he was.

"Thank you," he murmured almost ruefully as Eren placed a bottle of cold water in his almost equally as cold hands. He tilted it to his lips and forced himself to drink at least half of it as Eren watched.

"Damn, brat," he muttered, mildly embarrassed. "You sure like to hover."

Quickly, Eren averted his eyes and started wandering slowly toward the front of the shop. He felt Levi's gaze on him as he did so and was hyper aware of his presence, just as he always seemed to be.

"So," Levi said after a minute of awkward silence, "what happens now?"

Chewing absently on his lip, Eren turned on his heel to face the raven once more. "I think...I need to go home and grab a few things. And then I'm gonna take you home so you can get some rest."

"Tch. I'm perfectly capable of taking myself home."

Eren cocked a brow, skeptical. "You can barely stand up on your own," he pointed out. "I don't think you're capable of walking anywhere."

Levi rolled his eyes and placed the bottle on the supply table to his right. "Please, brat. You think I walked here this late?"

Eren's skepticism quickly morphed into confusion, his face twisted into a hard frown. "Don't tell me you drove here."

"No, I teleported," muttered the raven.

"Levi...seriously?" he asked, astonished.

"Yes, seriously," Levi grumbled as he forced himself to his feet. "I can take myself home."

"Bullshit."

The artist's brows lifted. "Excuse me?"

"Levi, you can barely stand up," said Eren in an almost pleading tenor. "Just let me take you home."

Levi clenched his teeth and considered it for a minute. He knew from the minute he decided to leave that he shouldn't be driving, and he could feel his energy draining out of him by merely standing there. Not only that, but as he looked into Eren's liquid turquoise orbs, he found he couldn't say no.

"Fine," he muttered. Eren visibly relaxed in relief. "But you're responsible for getting my car back."

"I'll work something out."

With that, they closed the shop up and strode back over to the café where Eren's car waited. He walked behind Levi, keeping himself ready in case the other's body gave out. It didn't, fortunately, but the way he moved scared Eren to death. His heart pounded in nervousness, though this time it wasn't due to Levi himself, but for concern for the man.

_'Withdrawals are a bitch. I'll leave it at that.'_

What did he mean by that? Eren had no time to analyze the question before Levi spoke up as they were heading out of the parking lot.

"So how do you plan on...helping me?" Levi asked quietly, staring blankly out the window, watching the world pass by.

Eren's chest tightened. "Well, I think the best option for you is going to a drug rehabilitation center," he suggested quietly. He didn't miss Levi flinch out of the corner of his eye.

"I don't have medical insurance," Levi murmured back. "I can't go there."

"We can figure something out. Maybe Reiner-"

"No," said Levi, raspy voice harsher now. "I won't go to rehab, alright?"

Eren frowned at the road in front of him. "So...you're saying you wanna do this _without_ professional help?"

Levi sighed and leaned his head back against the headrest. "There are no other options."

"O-okay..."

"Where are we going, anyway?"

"I told you I have to go home and grab some stuff."

Levi's head shot back up and he was staring at Eren, trying to bury the panic rising inside of him. "Then you better let me wait in the car."

"Why?"

"I can't face your mom...not after...not after I just left like I did. I can't..." In a tiny motion, his head shook back and forth, back and forth.

As Eren maneuvered the car onto his street, he could practically feel the panicked vibes radiating off of the man in the passenger seat. "Don't worry," he reassured. "I think she wants to talk to you, anyway. You'd be better off going in and humoring her than waiting out here and not if you want to make up for what happened."

Levi muttered something unintelligible under his breath. The only word Eren's ears picked up was 'death'. He parked in his usual spot in the street before cutting the engine and looking over at Levi, who was staring wearily up at the front door.

"Just take a deep breath. You'll be fine."

"Says you," grumbled the raven.

Eren was out of the car and halfway around it before Levi even had his door open.

"What if she's asleep? It's late."

"She's not. Stop making excuses and come on."

Levi sighed again before pulling himself out of the car and shutting the door behind him. He let Eren lead him up the walk where he swiftly slid his key into the lock and twisted, allowing the door to swing open soundlessly. As Levi stood back and waited, the memory of the last time he was there rushed through his mind at blinding speed; his heart picked up the pace even further. By then he thought it might burst through his chest and land directly on the sidewalk in front of him.

Eren moved inside, waving Levi along. Tentatively, he stepped past the threshold into the familiar warmth of the Jaeger house. Every muscle in his body was tense, and he was sure the only thing keeping him from collapsing due to lack of energy was adrenaline.

"Mom?" Eren called softly, kicking his shoes off and heading toward the staircase.

On cue, a figure appeared at the top of the staircase and a light switched on to reveal Carla, looking tired yet content. A warm, welcoming smile graced her lips as she descended the stairway.

"I didn't expect you back so quickly," she murmured before embracing Eren, standing on the bottom stair to make him easier to reach.

"Yeah, I just came to get a few things," replied the teen, returning the embrace and smiling as well.

Levi felt just a brief pang of jealousy before the overwhelming urge to book it took over. He knew he truly did not deserve the miracle that was Eren Jaeger, nor did he deserve the kind words he was certain his mother was about to give him. Even from several feet away, her kindness and selflessness radiated off of her like freaking sun rays. They were bright, warm, and inviting, but having been in the dark so long, they seemed too much, too bright.

Nonetheless, he scarcely contained the energy to simply be standing there, never mind turning and running. He didn't move from his place just beyond the threshold in the doorway as Eren jogged up the stairs and Carla moved to stand in front of him.

"Hello again, Levi," she murmured, looking him over. As he mumbled his greeting back, he wanted nothing more than to disappear. He was hideous, something else he was certain of, and the concerned expression in her eyes caused his heart to squeeze painfully.

'What have you gotten yourself into this time, huh, Levi?' asked the monster with a malicious laugh.

"I know you must be terrified," said Carla, a soft, motherly smile tugging at the corners of her lips once more. "I don't know what exactly my son said to you, but the fact that you're standing here means whatever he said worked, and I couldn't be more proud of him right now for what he's doing for you. I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but I want you to know I'm proud of you, too, for deciding to let him help you."

More annoying, traitorous tears pricked at the corners of Levi's eyes, but he blinked them back in refusal to show even more weakness in front of this woman. He could easily understand why Eren adored her so much, why he seemed so protective of her, and why he spoke so highly of her. She truly was incredible and somehow knew what to say.

"Th-thank you..." he mumbled awkwardly. "I just wanted to apologize...for Christmas. It wasn't my intention to ruin it for you, and I know a feeble attempt at an apology won't mean much, but-"

Suddenly, the woman's arms were around his shoulders. She held him gently yet warmly, and with a gasp, he stiffened, every muscle in his weak body going still with the exception of his heart, which always seemed to be pounding in that house. He didn't return the hug as much as some part of him might've liked to. That was the second time he'd been embraced that day, which was more than he had been in such a way in almost a decade.

"Your apology means a lot," the woman murmured in his ear. She moved back to look at his face again, keeping hold of his shoulders as she gazed directly into his eyes. "It's a huge step to decide to get help for such a serious issue - take it from someone who's experienced. Eren knows, too, and he understands and believes in you."

"It seems so easy for him...I don't understand it," Levi mumbled.

"You will eventually. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, I'm saying you can get through it and that it'll be worth it in the end. You just have to have the right mindset, you have to _truly_ want to change, no matter the reason."

Levi swallowed hard, his dry throat burning in protest. He felt very young and small under her wise gaze. Part of him wanted to ask her what that reason was, or how one was supposed to find it, but with Eren jogging back down the stairs sporting a bag slung over his shoulder, he didn't have the chance to muster up the guts.

Carla turned and smiled once more at her son, who slipped his shoes back on.

"Looks like you're ready," she said. "Good luck to both of you."

"Thanks, Mom," the teen murmured, embracing his mother tightly once more. He soaked in her presence as much as he could, burying his nose in her soft, sweet-scented locks. He got the feeling he wouldn't be seeing her for a while. This fact ached a bit, but as soon as he remembered the man standing next to them, his resolve became final and he decided he would have to live without her presence for a while.

"I'll call you in the morning, okay?" he promised, reluctantly pulling out of her arms.

"Okay, darling." She kissed his cheek. "Good luck. I love you."

He smiled and returned the kiss to the side of her head. "I love you, too." Turning toward the door, he asked, "Ready, Levi?"

The raven merely nodded. Eren was halfway out the door when Carla leaned in as if to embrace him again, but instead she whispered words which would change his whole world.

"Trust him. He loves you, you know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have to cringe sometimes when I go back through these to italicize and such because the writing could be so much better. ._. But hey, what do you do? Lol. I'm still super proud of this story, and it's still one of my most thought out stories I've ever written, despite its dark theme and angsty feels. .~.
> 
> Also, thank you all for the comments. I feel like I say that a lot? But seriously, they mean so much to me. :3
> 
> One last thing - I posted a new work entitled Be My Salvation, if you're interested in checking that out. I'm working on the second chapter right now, so, yeah. c;


	15. *~Chapter Fourteen~*

Carla's words were still echoing in Levi's mind as Eren maneuvered the vehicle into the parking lot of his apartment complex. The ride had been virtually silent, though for the first time it lacked the awkward. It wasn't to say they were comfortable, but more so that they were starting to get used to each other. Eren took this as a positive step.

"Shit," Levi hissed, breaking the teen from his thoughts.

"What is it?" asked the brunet, sparing the other a sideways glance.

"My sister's here," he muttered, peering out of the windshield.

"How do you know?"

Wordlessly, Levi pointed to a dark red Corvette parked next to the seemingly only open parking space in the entire lot, which Eren took. It exhibited a sleek ambience, shiny even under the weak light at the end of the row of other, more tattered looking cars. The color indeed reminded him of the raven's sister.

"Is that a bad thing?" Eren couldn't help but ask as he cut the engine and slid his keys from the ignition.

"Hell yes it's a bad thing! What am I supposed to tell her?"

"The truth might suffice," suggested Eren.

Levi turned his steely gaze on the teenager. "Seriously, brat? Do you want her to hate me?"

Eren's brows knitted together. "I don't think she'll hate you. She cares about you. She might want to help."

Grumbling incoherently, the raven pinched the bridge of his nose with his eyes squeezed shut. He was beginning to shake; the monster was on its way out and his body was starting to feel very heavy, the way it did once the high subsided.

"Come on," Eren coaxed softly. "You'll have to face her eventually. Why not sooner than later?"

"She's the only family I have left. I don't want to lose her, too. That's why I've kept this from her for so long." Levi's voice was so low Eren had to strain to make out the words.

"What's the worst that could happen?" he murmured.

"The worst?" Levi glanced back up, appearing immeasurably exhausted and substantially older than he actually was. "The worst is that she'll disown me, tell me she hates me and remind me how fucking stupid I am. Kick me out of the apartment, make Reiner fire me..." Trailing off, his eyes unfocused.

"She's not going to do any of that stuff," said Eren certainly. "Do you wanna know what she said to me when I asked her to give you my letter?"

"What."

"Well...it wasn't so much what she said as it was the look in her eyes. She told me you lightened up a little and she hopes it continues because she wants to see you happy." Eren was twisting Alex's words and he knew it, but he had to say _something_ to get Levi to come clean to his sister. An internal force said having Alex in on the 'secret' would serve to be helpful.

"If she cares so much then why the hell hasn't she been around, huh? You're lying."

Eren flinched. "I'm serious, Levi. She didn't say that, but her eyes did."

Levi sighed. "Whatever. Let's just get this over with so I can go the hell to bed."

With that, he slinked his way out of the car. Eren hurriedly snagged his things and followed the short man up the stairs to the door marked 36. The artist fumbled with his keys for a second before managing to get one in the lock and twist. The door swung open with ease. The interior of the apartment was virtually dark aside from the glow of a small lamp in one of the bedrooms down the hallway.

Eren stepped into the apartment and slipped his shoes off after soundlessly shutting and locking the door behind him. He peered around, taking in his surroundings as Levi hung his keys.

Alex appeared, almost ghostlike (due to her ridiculously pale complexion), from the small room – the source of the light. She padded to the end of the hall where she promptly flipped a switch and a much brighter light from the ceiling halfway down the hallway flicked to life.

"You're in huge tro-" she began in a menacing tone, but stopped short upon catching sight of Eren.

"Tch," muttered Levi, kicking his shoes off carelessly and shuffling to the couch where he sat heavily, pulling his knees to his chest, angling his face away from the others in the room.

Alex glanced back and forth between the two of them for a minute, her face a mask of confusion.

"Hi Alex," said Eren with a forced a smile to break the ice.

"Hey, Eren..." she mumbled, her tone as skeptical as her expression. "Mind flipping that switch for me?" She gestured to the wall on his left, where he flicked the light switch into the on position. A soft light in the far corner lit up the room, causing the man on the couch to flinch and shield his face from it in his knees.

"You can come in," Alex invited, padding further into the room, switching the hall light off as she went. She sunk gingerly on the smaller sofa across the room, peering almost suspiciously at her brother. Eren, feeling awkward, moved the rest of the way into the apartment and set his things on one of the kitchen chairs.

"So um, no offense Eren, but why are you here?" asked Alex, peering at him from the corners of her eyes.

"That's um...kinda something we have to talk to you about," he articulated softly, selecting a random spot on the floor next to Levi to sit cross-legged. His hands remained fidgeting in the pocket of his hoodie.

"Talk to me about what?" Now her whole head swiveled to observe him suspiciously. Instead of answering her, he turned his gaze on Levi.

"Levi?"

The raven looked up just enough to reveal his dark eyes. Eren closely watched Alex, expecting somewhere along the lines of a shocked reaction at his deteriorated condition. Instead of widening, however, her eyes narrowed after transferring back to her brother.

"You're killing me, brat," he mumbled in his gravelly baritone.

"Levi," murmured the girl before Eren had a chance to respond. "What happened to you?" She was leaning far forward, carefully studying the tattoo artist.

"Withdrawals happened, that's what." His tone was flat, just as his eyes seemed to be impassive, almost bored.

That was the moment Alex's eyes widened. With the initial confusion accompanied by worry and some other emotion Eren had no name for (though he felt it as well), she searched what little of her brother's face was visible.

"What do you mean...?" she half whispered.

"What do you think I mean, Alex?" muttered Levi in response.

"Addiction," was the first blunt word out of her mouth. "But..." It was clear she was having trouble wrapping her head around what he was trying to tell her. Eren could blatantly see he was struggling, as well, by the excess shakiness of his entire frame, his slender fingers gripping his knees tightly, and the wary, almost melancholy expression suddenly taking over in his stormy eyes.

"I don't understand, Levi," Alex said finally.

"I can't do this, Eren," the raven mumbled, pressing his face back into the protection of his legs. His trembling kicked up, almost like he was vibrating, and Alex quickly crossed the room. She sat next to him and started gently rubbing his back. He flinched at her touch, though not away from it.

Eren couldn't help but feel overly worried for the man sitting a mere few feet from him - more so than normal. Other than just a couple of hours ago or so, he'd never shown this much weakness. He really was _truly_ afraid of losing his sister. Eren knew it was for the best, however, and he refused to let him back down from his confession.

"Eren?" asked Alex, voice reaching an even higher soprano than normal. "You know what this is about. Explain."

The teen sucked in a deep breath. He wanted this to come from Levi himself, but at that point he couldn't help but pity the man. Not only that, but with the rate things were going, it would take all night for him to say it himself, and what he needed more than anything was rest, not to be awake stressing about this all night.

Alex waited as Eren worked to pull the right words together. Under her gaze, he felt pressured and hesitant. What if he totally screwed this up for Levi? He wanted to _help_ him, for crying out loud, not hurt him.

"Yes, it's addiction," Levi blurted just as Eren was getting ready to articulate virtually the same thing. He surprised both of them more by completely lifting his head and looking directly at his sister. "It's heroin, Alex. I'm addicted to heroin, alright? I know. I'm fucked up. You don't have to tell me. And you have every right to hate me for...whatever reason."

Both males waited. For an explosion. For an implosion. For screaming or _something_. Eren found himself holding his breath. Alex's face was unreadable (and unblinking) as she stared at her brother, analyzing his confession.

An eternity passed.

"I don't hate you," she said finally, reaching out toward him. It looked like she wanted to caress the side of his face, but he flinched away before she could touch him again.

"Why? You should."

"I don't," she said firmly. "But I am disappointed in you."

He rolled his eyes and snorted, mildly amused. "Disappointed. That's cute." He'd scooted as far away from her as he could get, pressing himself against the arm of the couch. He was no longer looking at her directly, but peering at her out of the corner of his eye.

"Why, Levi?" Her voice was no more than a whisper now.

"Why do you dye your hair? Or read so much, or play the bass? It's just something I do to get by, alright? Everyone has their method of escape."

"But...drugs? Really?"

"You try going through what I did," he spat defensively. "You try having the memories of trauma that I do, and then tell me you don't want to shoot up just as much!" Levi's voice raised with each word. He ignored the scratchiness and burning as he pushed himself to speak louder.

Alex was shaking her head back and forth ever so slightly, a deep frown settling into her features. "I don't understand..."

"You wouldn't. Don't worry," he muttered.

"You were fine a month ago, though. I-"

"I haven't been fine in years," he cut in. "I'm just a good liar, and you've been too wrapped up in Reiner to notice shit about me. And hell, stop looking at me like you pity me."

"Is it because of what happened when you were fourteen?" she asked quietly. The pity in her eyes was deep and unwavering despite his demand for her to stop looking at him that way. Eren felt it too, but refused to let it show.

"It's because of a number of things. Not just that."

By then, Eren was totally confused. From the start, he knew there'd been something more going on with Levi and he was determined to find out what. Whatever happened when he was fourteen must've had a huge impact on his life, or he wouldn't have cringed in pain the moment Alex brought it up. Eren was _dying_ to ask, but right then, that conversation had nothing to do with him, so he kept his mouth shut.

"Talk to me then, Levi, so we can fix this."

The man snorted. "You say that like fixing it is a walk in a fucking park." Under his breath he muttered, "You have no idea the shit I've been through the past month..."

Alex seemed almost desperate at that point. Her hands were fluttering towards Levi like she wanted to touch him, but just before her fingers made contact, she withdrew them.

"Then enlighten me," she plead. "I wanna help you."

"Tch. _Now_ you wanna help? Eight years later? Nice."

"Levi-"

"No, Alex. I don't want your damn help. You can just fuck off."

With that, the artist shoved himself to his feet. He wobbled a bit before shuffling toward the hallway.

"In case you forgot, I live here too," Alex shot back. She didn't sound exactly angry, but by the look in her chocolate eyes, she was on her way there.

"Hardly," Levi muttered back. "Whatever. Do whatever the fuck you want. Just leave me alone." His words were punctuated with the slamming of a door.

Alex stared blankly down the hall after him. Neither she nor Eren knew how to react to what just happened.

The girl stood and started toward the hallway, but the teen jumped up and stopped her. She blinked in surprise as if she'd forgotten he was there.

"Leave him, Alex," he said softly. "I know you wanna help. I do, too. But he's already weak enough...arguing or whatever you plan to do is only gonna make it worse. Let me talk to him, alright?"

"Is that why you're here?" she asked.

Eren nodded. "Yeah. It's...a long, complicated story. But I'm gonna help him get through this. Or try, at least. By some miracle he's letting me. I just don't wanna smother him."

Alex ran her hand through her hair. "I just...I never imagined..."

"Yeah, neither did I, really."

Alex gazed at him sincerely. "I feel like an idiot...but you're right. Take care of him, okay?"

"I plan to. I'm sorry for this."

Alex's eyes were bloodshot past her fake lashes. She was clearly on the verge of tears and was struggling to hold them back. Eren had the urge to hug her, but refrained. Her head shook back and forth in the slightest movement as she stared blankly past Eren, who could just see the gears turning in her head as she tried to make sense of the whole thing in her mind. He didn't blame her for having trouble; even he was still attempting to fully wrap his head around the situation.

"You should go home," he continued. "Get some rest. I'll make sure he's okay."

"Alright. I'm counting on you, Eren."

She moved to retrieve her things and, without so much as calling a goodbye to her brother, slipped out the door with nothing more reaching her ears than a soft "be safe" from the teen. As soon as the door clicked shut, Eren couldn't help but think about what a long night it had been, and he knew it wasn't nearly over.


	16. *~Chapter Fifteen~*

Not long after Alex's departure, Levi's cough picked back up even worse than earlier that night. Eren took a deep breath. He wanted to talk to Levi, even promised Alex he would, but he hadn't the faintest idea what to say. After all, he was the one who talked him into telling her about his addiction, and it didn't end on good terms as the teen had hoped. The last thing he needed was for Levi to hate him, too, and end up completely on his own to wither away.

Because that was exactly what he was doing - withering away to nothing. He needed help, and from the looks of it, the help he required was more than Eren had to offer. Eren had no idea what his plan was from then on, how he would help this man he was almost positive he loved, but he would have to figure _something_ out.

His thoughts stopped short as he reached the door Levi had disappeared behind. His hand had just lifted to knock when it opened and there stood Levi. His beanie had been removed and his hair was a mess. He held a pack of cigarettes in one hand and a lighter in the other.

"So you're still here, huh?" he mumbled.

"Of course I am," responded the brunet. "I told you I'm gonna help you."

"Don't you think I'm beyond help?" As he spoke, he snaked his way around Eren and headed down the hall for the front door.

"No," responded Eren firmly, "I don't."

"Tch..." He yanked the door open with more effort than should be necessary. Before it could shut again behind him, Eren was there pulling it back open and following him outside. He watched for a minute as Levi slid a cigarette from the pack, pocketed the rest of them, and placed the stick between his thin lips. He then proceeded to light it and took a long drag, holding it in for several long seconds before releasing it through a tiny part between his lips and his nose.

"What is it, brat? Are you just gonna stare at me all night?"

"No," mumbled Eren a little too quickly. "I'm just...I'm sorry about your sister."

"Hn. Wasn't your fault."

"But...I'm the one who made you tell her."

"You didn't make me do anything, Eren. I just decided to take your word for it and chance it. But I'm used to fucking things up. I'm surprised this didn't happen a long time ago."

Eren's heart squeezed painfully in his chest at those words. Levi didn't meet his eyes for the majority of the time they stood out there. Rather, his eyes remained closed as his cigarette shortened between his attenuated fingers.

"You didn't fuck up your relationship with her," countered the teen. "It's just that you won't let her help you."

Levi's thumb flicked the butt of his cigarette, sending glowing ashes dancing toward the ground. "She hardly cared about ever helping me before. It's bullshit that after I've already gotten _this_ fucked up that she suddenly wants to help." He took another drag off of his cigarette. His eyes finally opened to meet Eren's, shining dimly the only light they had being the pitifully dull bulb hanging on the ceiling. In that dim light, however, Eren could see the brokenness of Levi's features and it caused every bone in his body to ache for the man.

"So what about you, then, brat? You gonna stick around?"

Eren nodded certainly once. "As long as you let me, I still do want to help you."

The raven shrugged nonchalantly. "It's up to you."

"No it isn't." Levi cocked a brow. "I can't help you if you don't want to be helped," Eren went on. "From the impression I'm getting-"

"Yeah, I need help," Levi cut in, looking down. "Or maybe I just don't want you to leave. I'm not sure of the difference. But if you're here, you're going to help, right? Then I don't have a choice."

Eren smiled softly. Hearing just those words seemed to light up his entire world with hope.

"Come on, then," he offered. "Let's go inside. You need rest."

Wordlessly, Levi snuffed the remainder of his cigarette out on the side of the building and let it drop carelessly to the ground. He then followed Eren inside where he nearly passed out as soon as the door was closed. He tripped ungracefully over his own feet and felt his head spiral toward the floor. He expected pain and then to pass out, but instead of pain came warmth, and he _did_ pass out.

Eren had caught him just before he could face plant right into the carpet. He managed to slide his arms around the raven's (scarily) slender waist so he ended up face planting the teen's chest instead. He held up all of Levi's weight, which couldn't have been more than a hundred pounds at his height and condition.

As gently as possible, Eren lifted him the rest of the way off of the floor. His heart was thudding rhythmically and _loudly_ inside of his chest at such close contact. Even in his condition, Levi felt surprisingly comfortable in his arms.

Eren didn't let himself hold onto that sensation long, however. He quickly and tenderly placed the man across the couch and covered him with the blanket folded neatly on the back of it.

Levi didn't so much as move in the minute Eren watched him, but the brunet couldn't help but be slightly fascinated. Levi's features relaxed completely in his sleep, lacking the usual malice and pained expression.

That moment was like a clearing for the college student; an epiphany of sorts. No matter how fucked up this man may be - however many years of drug abuse he had behind him - no matter how difficult it would be or how long it would take, Eren wanted nothing more than to see him recover, to gain his life back, to smile or laugh, even. And he would do everything it took to have that happen.

The first step was to find out just what heroin addiction and withdrawals entailed. Quickly before settling into the smaller of the two couches with his phone, he changed into a pair of flannel sweatpants, brushed his teeth, and shut the remaining lights off. Levi remained still, the light rising and falling of his chest being Eren's only reassurance.

As he settled in under another blanket he scrounged up from a closet in the hallway, he unlocked his phone and turned the brightness all the way down. The last thing he needed was to kill his eyesight. He fumbled through his bag for his headphones before plugging them in and placing the left one snugly in ear. It was much too quiet in that apartment; his ears rung painfully at the deafening silence.

He selected a playlist at random and tapped shuffle.

That was when his eyes caught sight of the clock. 12:38. Jesus, it had been a long day...

He also had a missed text message from Armin.

|Hey, Eren. Hope you're feeling better. I just talked to your mom. Good luck.|

That message had come in at 10:24. That had to have been when he was talking to Levi at the shop. Jeez, was Armin some kind of psychic? Eren decided to reply after the sun rose rather than risking waking his friend just after midnight.

Armin. Boy, was Eren thankful for that kid. If he hadn't stepped in that day and called his mom, he'd still be sulking at home. Here, he had a purpose. A goal. And someone he truly cared about to help. He made a mental note to buy Armin all the chocolate he could afford as soon as he could.

After that, his fingers navigated to the internet. He drew in a deep breath as he typed two words into the Google search bar: "heroin addiction".

There was an abundance of links he could've clicked on, but like any normal person, he stuck to the first page and clicked on the third link down. He began reading.

_Heroin is a very illegal, dangerous, and additive drug._

'No shit?' he thought sarcastically.

As he continued, the music playing softly in his left ear faded to the background. He read through all the different methods of taking the drug - smoking, snorting, and injecting, and how each affected the body differently. One thing he knew for certain was that Levi injected; it was the fastest acting method and the most intense and direct. He proceeded to read what kinds of affects it could have on different parts of the body. Chemical changes in the brain, collapsed veins, damage to the lungs. That would explain all the coughing, especially accompanied by the cigarettes. It went into how the high was supposed to feel and how long it lasted.

And then his eyes fell upon the section entitled 'withdrawal symptoms'.

_Being off of heroin for no longer than a couple of hours makes the addict want to die._

Eren cringed and reluctantly continued reading.

_"Imagine the time you had the worst flu and multiply it by three. On top of that, add the knowledge that you have the ability to make it simply "go away" and you can feel better with just one more hit/shot. Is it any wonder that one would be unwilling to walk away from heroin once addicted?_

_If a heroin user decides to quit, their body tries to return to its original state. But because of the neuroadaptation that's taken place, they experience very unpleasant symptoms of withdrawal. These begin 8 to 12 hours after their last fix. They include sweating, anxiety, depression, cold sweats, chills, severe muscle and bone aches not caused by any physical trauma, nausea and vomiting, diarrhea, gooseflesh and fever. Many addicts also complain of compulsive scratching that causes bruises and sometimes ruptures the skin. Withdrawal is very hard, and users often go back on heroin as a result. (stopheroin.net)"_

By then, Eren had his lip trapped between his teeth. He sole a glance at the sleeping man across the room.

_"Withdrawals are a bitch."_

Was all of that truly what Levi had been going through for the past month? Was that why he was in such bad condition? Eren couldn't even begin to imagine how it felt, the agony he must be in, both physically and mentally.

What he couldn't fathom was _why_. Why did he force himself to go through that? What was suddenly so important in his life that he wanted to get better? Because no way would an addict wake up one day and decide just like that they want to get better. Eren was certain that was the reason he went on leave at work. But _why in the world_...?

Eren didn't sleep a wink, even as he settled down into the couch, which was surprisingly comfortable. He left his phone on the coffee table, along with his headphones, and shut his eyes.

His mind never stopped wandering and questioning. The only sounds his sensitive ears had to focus on was the clock on the wall above him and Levi's ragged breathing, which only served to worry him further.

How was he going to help this man? If withdrawals were so bad, and Levi was so dependent, it seemed almost an impossible goal to accomplish without professional help. It wasn't like Eren knew where he had his stash or could hide it from him. It wasn't like he had any idea how to convince Levi that his well-being, his _life_ was so much more important than this addiction he'd been drowning himself with for who knew how long. Sure, he was decent with words and he'd managed to get to Levi several times. The fact that he was lying there in his apartment was proof of that. But did he really have what it took to convince the raven he was better, stronger, _worth more_ than his addiction? He didn't know, and something told him he wasn't.

Before Eren knew it, faint sunlight was starting to leak in between the blinds behind the television. Groggily, he reached for his phone and checked the time. It was only just after six.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw movement. Levi was propping himself up on his elbow, wiping his sleeve across his face. Quickly, Eren sat up. Levi's arm dropped and he looked around. Once his eyes fell upon the teen sitting across the room, he pushed himself the rest of the way up.

"You're still here," he mumbled.

"Well, yeah..."

"Stupid brat," he grumbled, running a hand though his already messy mohawk.

Eren ignored that. "How are you feeling?"

"Hmph...like my eyes and mouth are made of fucking sandpaper and the rest of my body is made of lead." Levi's mouth opened in a wide yawn that quickly turned to horrid coughing. His entire body shook with each hack and soon his generally pale face was red as a beet.

Eren didn't really think as he strode swiftly into the kitchen. He started opening cabinets and found a glass to quickly fill with cold water. He moved back into the living room where the man had gotten somewhat control of his coughing and held the glass out to him. Levi didn't argue with the offer, but took it and, with shaking hands, tilted the glass to his lips and guzzled half of the glass in two swallows.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered, a little breathless. "Fun way to wake up..."

"Do you need anything else?" murmured Eren.

"No, just a-"

Suddenly, Levi's eyes went wide and his hand flew to his mouth. The glass of water slipped out of his hand and rolled to the floor, cold liquid covering half of Levi's lap, the couch, and the floor. His free hand flew up and clutched the front of Eren's shirt. He was pulling, trying to stand up. The teen was utterly confused before his body heaved. And again, Eren didn't think, just acted. He hefted Levi up and helped him down the hall and into the bathroom as quickly as possible. They barely made it in time for Levi to violently puke his guts up. Not much came up before he was dry heaving, one hand clutching at his stomach. Eren's hands fluttered about, desperate for a way to help.

"Get out of here," choked Levi. "You don't need to see this."

"I already have." Eren sunk to his knees and offered a comforting hand, which Levi flinched away from. He withdrew it and asked, "What do you need?"

"I need my drug," he muttered, shakily closing the lid of the toilet and flushing it.

"I'm not gonna give you that," Eren replied softly. "Besides that what do you need?"

Levi shook his head and leaned forward to rest his forehead on the cold lid. His breaths were entering and exiting his body in a shaky, labored manner. Every so often, a tremor would rocket down his spine as he attempted to catch his breath. It seemed an impossible task with how absolutely heavy he felt.

"You should take a cool shower," Eren suggested, remembering his mother's advice to him when he needed to calm down from a panic attack. "Or maybe warm."

At first Levi didn't answer. When he did, he muttered, "Yeah, sure, whatever..."

"Do you need help up?"

"No," he snapped. "I'm not totally helpless. Just...leave me alone for a while."

Eren nodded and stood. "Just let me know if you need anything." Levi moved his hand in a waving gesture, as if to say 'shoo', and Eren reluctantly exited the bathroom, though not without first hearing the words 'freaking babysitter' trailing behind as Levi muttered it under his breath.

Eren shoved away the ugly feeling those words gave him. He'd sworn to himself that he wouldn't let his depression get to him while he was there. That would do nothing to help Levi. In fact, it could make him worse, and then Eren would hate himself forever. No, he wouldn't let it affect him. Not outwardly, at least.

He wandered back down the hall and sat heavily in his place on the couch, rubbing his forehead. He was beyond exhausted and couldn't get the sound or sight of Levi throwing up out of his mind. It had been disgusting, of course; Eren always hated puking and everything about it. That wasn't really the part that bothered him, though. It was more so how weak Levi looked doing it, even how scared his eyes had been when he realized it was coming.

_"That's not even the worst of it. Are you still sure you want to help me?"_

'This is going to be a lot harder than I thought...'

Down the hall, he heard the shower kick on. Just for some way to pass the time, he wandered toward the kitchen and started scrounging. He figured Levi's stomach was emptier than his and getting breakfast started was a good, productive way of keeping himself occupied.

He didn't find much, which was probably something of a good thing because he wasn't the best cook on the planet. He settled for the last bagel in the bag, a can of nearly expired fruit cocktail, and the remainder of the tea in the kettle to split between them. It wasn't the best breakfast, but Levi's kitchen was seriously lacking. He made a mental note to get some grocery shopping done before the weekend was over.

As he sat down, placing each plate on the table, he pondered that. The end of the weekend...meaning school was on Monday.

What would he do about that? He couldn't leave Levi alone. He already had for a month and that clearly hadn't gone well. He couldn't just bail out on his classes either, though. He'd already let his grades slip below average. The semester still had several months remaining, but how would he be able to keep up with school while he was trying to help Levi?

This wasn't something he'd even considered until that moment. He'd been more caught up in the artist that he hadn't had much time to think of his own life.

'Jeez, that's seriously shitty,' he thought glumly.

A thought occurred to him. He promised his mother he'd call her that morning; he'd ask for her advice then. She always seemed to have the answer.

Movement out of the corner of his eye snapped the teen out of his thoughts and had him looking up. Levi was approaching slowly from the hallway. His hair was shiny hanging over his forehead and his posture wasn't so slumped, giving him a more decent appearance. It did nothing for his pale complexion nor the dark circles in his eyes, though it was an improvement.

He shuffled over to the chair across the table from Eren and gingerly sat, eyes downcast.

"Feel better?" asked Eren.

"Define 'better'," he grumbled. "What's this?" he jerked his chin at the food in front of him.

"Breakfast," said Eren. "I know it sucks, but there wasn't much..."

"Raiding my kitchen, huh?"

Eren blinked at him as he reached for the tea cup and took a sip of it. Instead of answering, he found himself studying the man before him.

He'd changed into a simple black long-sleeved shirt and plaid sweatpants. As small as the clothes already seemed, they still clung loosely to his thin body. Eren was almost positive that underneath, you could see his ribs and collarbones and hipbones. He wouldn't have been surprised if his heartbeat was even visible.

"I'm starting to think you have a staring problem," the artist said over his tea cup.

"Sorry," he mumbled in response, though this time he didn't look away as he normally would have. "I'm just...trying to get used to you."

The tea cup lowered a bit, the opposite of his pierced brow, which raised. "That's dangerous."

"I'm not afraid," replied the teen smoothly.

"You're a fool, that's what you are."

"Yeah, well, I guess love does that to a person." As soon as the words were past his lips, Eren was embarrassed by them. His cheeks headed up and he attempted to cover it up by shoving a bite of bagel in his mouth.

This time, Levi's eyes narrowed. "I think I should be the one trying to get used to you. I still think you're crazy, you know."

Eren half-shrugged, unable to meet the raven's gaze. "Maybe I am. But I don't care."

"Hn..." It was Levi's turn to study the brunet, expressionless as he did so. Eventually he murmured, "I should apologize. You shouldn't have had to see me...like that..." He gestured toward the hallway with his head, and immediately regretted it due to the dizziness greeting him like a freaking puppy.

"I knew it wasn't gonna be pretty, Levi. I'm just glad you made it in there before you actually puked."

"Tch. How in the hell do you love something when..." His words trailed off and he focused his attention back on his tea.

"I told you love is weird. Now you should eat...get some strength back."

Levi eyed the food. "You're too much for me, Jaeger."

Eren's heart jumped. "Um...what?"

The artist snickered, gingerly picking up the bagel and tearing a piece off with trembling fingers. "Never mind."

Eren let it slide, but just that once. "Well...will you do me a favor?" Gingerly placing the piece of bagel on his tongue, Levi raised his brows in question. "Tell me your story," said Eren bluntly, yet softly.

"Excuse me?"

"If I'm gonna help you, you're gonna have to tell me everything."

The raven scrutinized the brunet for a long minute, eyes narrow. Eren, despite his discomfort, stared right back in waiting.

"I suppose you have a point," he said finally. "Give me five minutes."

With that, he pushed himself to his feet, abandoning his half-eaten bagel, empty tea cup, and untouched fruit for the pack of cigarettes in his pocket. Eren watched as he exited the apartment, leaving an almost deafening silence in his wake.

_*~Addict Journal Entry #???~*_

_So the brat wants to hear my story, does he? Doubt he's even strong enough to handle it. I can't even fathom why he's here, looking at me with that intense gaze of his, so sincere and caring. Or maybe it's pity rather than concern. My sister pities me, why shouldn't the brat?_

_In the past twelve hours I've done things I never would've done before I received that godforsaken text message. I'm more conscious of my monstrous self than ever, covering up my scars to hide them from his innocent gaze, cried in front of him, confessed to my sister, decided I want his help...his stupid, feeble attempt..._

_He really is a fool. He'll run off as soon as I share my secrets. It isn't that I don't trust him. In fact, he's the only one I trust...strange as that may be. But as soon as I spill, he'll turn tail and run, no doubt. And then I can get back to my normal routine - shooting up, regretting it when I imagine his stupid, beautiful smile and try to get better, go on a withdrawal binge and end up shooting up again. It's a cycle I've gotten used to in the past lonely weeks of my life. A slow death, but a death nonetheless..._

_..._

_I find I'm afraid of being alone. I don't want him to leave. I want to tell him everything, yet I'm terrified of scaring him off. The way he makes me feel is foreign, horrifying, yet addicting. It's on a whole other road than my monster and I'm torn - between the monster who has been there for me despite its hellish traits, or this brat who walked into my life only months ago and suddenly has these ridiculous feelings for me and wants to help..._

_...this brat I undoubtedly have feelings for, too._

_Jesus fucking Christ, what is this boy turning me into?_

_..._

_..._

_..._

_I'll tell him. I'm prepared to be alone. I have been my whole life. It won't be any different than before once he's gone._

_...and if he doesn't run, I'll know for sure that he's more insane than I am._


	17. *~Chapter Sixteen~*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren learns Levi's story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adding another trigger warning on this chapter for molestation (because it's the only thing not mentioned yet).
> 
> Also, Isabel. ;) Enjoy~

_"Show me your scars, tell me your secrets; I just wanna be that person to finally understand you and show you what it feels like to be loved." -@Internallylost (on twitter)_

~*~

"Alright, shitty brat."

Eren turned to find Levi reentering the apartment, bringing a waft of cold, cigarette scented air with him. Levi's somber eyes met Eren's oceanic ones steadily.

"I'll tell you my story. But settle in and brace yourself. It's long. And harsh."

Eren nodded solemnly. "I understand."

He stood and began cleaning up breakfast, feeling Levi's eyes on him the whole time. The raven had ghosted into the kitchen to make himself another cup of tea, moving cautiously around the brunet. As he prepared his drink, he stood abnormally close to Eren, shaky hands working almost expertly at it.

Eren gyrated to survey his features and their eyes met. A surge of electricity shot down Eren's spine and proceeded to travel throughout the rest of his body, igniting every nerve ending he had.

If Levi looked scary from a distance, there was no word to describe his appearance in being so close, especially for his eyes—bloodshot with miniscule pupils nearly lost in the center of bluish gray irises. The gray of those irises were almost exactly matched the dark circles they were nestled into.

The moment Eren had to notice these things was brief before Levi swiveled away and lifted the cup of fresh tea to his chapped, pale lips. Eren's ears picked up the faintest click of his piercings against the side of the cup as he did so. With a gulp, the teen slid Levi's unfinished breakfast across the counter.

"Eat," he said simply.

Levi eyed the plate a bit distastefully.

"Come on," Eren nearly plead. "You have to eat, or-"

He cut off as Levi picked up the bagel and sink his teeth into it. Just before, Eren caught a glimpse of something shiny in his mouth. He had a tongue piercing. Of course he did. Eren felt stupid for never having noticed it before.

"Happy?" muttered Levi once he swallowed. He didn't wait for an answer, but gathered the plate and his tea cup before slipping around Eren and into the living room. The teen trailed in behind. Levi sunk down onto the floor between the couch he'd slept on and the coffee table, where he placed his food. Eren took a seat across from him, unable to stop his yawn.

"Did you sleep?" asked Levi, mildly surprising the brunet.

"Nope."

Levi rolled his eyes. "And you say I'm unhealthy."

Eren raised his brows. "Do you really wanna have that argument?"

"Tch. No. I'm just saying, you should sleep."

"I'm fine. You're supposed to be telling me your story, remember?"

Levi flinched. "Right..."

"I know it's probably not that easy for you to talk about, but..."

"I'm fine," said Levi quickly. "What exactly do you want to know, anyway?" He didn't meet Eren's eyes, but rather kept his eyes on his hands or the food he was slowly picking at.

"Everything," said Eren simply.

"You're pretty ingenuous, aren't you?" Eren blinked, unsure of how to respond. "Hm, well if you want to know everything, you'll have to ask a higher power or something. All I can tell you is that trees grow out of the ground, the sky is blue, and Bigfoot is a myth."

It was Eren's turn to roll his eyes. "You know what I mean."

Levi grunted and took another sip of his tea. "I just don't know if you can handle it."

"Or you're afraid to talk about it."

"Tch."

Eren waited. The last thing he wanted to do was pressure Levi into anything. If he was going to tell the story, if he was going to get better, Eren wanted it to be on his own terms in his own way. All Eren was there for was support.

"I had a fairly normal childhood," began the raven, taking the teen off guard a bit. "I lived with my mom and my sister for most of it. My mom was working three jobs most of the time just to keep us on our feet and we moved around a lot."

"A lot as in...?" prompted Eren.

"As in we were never in one place long enough for me to make any long-lasting friendships. My sister did, though, but everyone likes her. Hmpf, whatever.

"Anyway, my 'father' is a fucking deadbeat...nothing more than a sperm donor. So I...stayed with my aunt a lot when I was a lot younger because y'know, little kids aren't allowed to stay home alone." Levi shifted his weight uncomfortably, staring absently into his tea cup. Eren could tell that this terrain was already touchy. "She was more of a mom to me than my actual mom. At least at first. Even then, she was one of the few people I thought I loved. We were close, and even when I was older, I continued to spend time with her." Suddenly, Levi had set his cup down on the table with more force than necessary and a sarcastic, dry laugh escaped his throat. Again, it was not the kind of laugh Eren longed to hear from him. "What a mistake that turned out to be..." He seemed to be talking more to himself than Eren.

"How come?" the brunet murmured.

As he recalled, Levi's features were a distorted mask of pain and distress. Eren's heart squeezed in sympathy; he couldn't help but reach across the table and gently place his warm hand over Levi's clammy one. The raven flinched but refrained from withdrawing.

"Hey," Eren murmured in an attempt to get the short man to look up at him. When he did, he said, "It's okay. You can tell me."

Levi clenched his jaw before muttering, "I know. It's just hard."

The teen nodded in complete understanding. Levi drew in a shaky breath for his next words – words that would render Eren essentially frozen with shock.

"My aunt molested me," he stated, staring Eren straight in the eyes. "Four times," he went on. "I was fourteen. Everything was fine until one day she just jumped on me. I tried so fucking hard to get her off of me, but hell, she was strong. The first time, I never stopped struggling and she yelled at me the entire time. Then she told me if I told anyone, she would reverse the situation and claim that _I_ was the one coming on to _her_." Levi rolled his eyes and inclined his head down on the table in front of him. "That was how she forced me to go back and what enabled her to do it again. Every other time after that, I just froze up and let her do it." Unexpectedly, Levi's hand turned and his fingers, weak as they may have been, clutched almost desperately at Eren's hand. He didn't look up. "She told me it was supposed to feel good and that I was 'at that age' or whatever. Tch. I felt _dirty_. And it hurt...bad." By that point, Levi's body was trembling again. He possessed a lot more strength than Eren realized because his fingers were gripping his hand so tight that the circulation was being cut off and Eren's own digits were beginning to go numb. Nonetheless, he rubbed little circles into the side of Levi's hand with his thumb in an attempt to comfort him.

"The fourth time it happened, she was prepared to go further. I know she was, but she didn't have the chance because Alex showed up. Caught her in the act. Saw everything. She took me home and told our mother. Not surprisingly, my mom didn't do shit about it. She just broke all connections with my aunt. Alex wanted to go to the police, but I told her about the threat. There was no way I could've won that trial. So that was it."

"Levi..."

Desperate to move on, Levi continued. "After that, I started getting really depressed. Or I guess I got depressed after the first time it happened, but whatever. I started drawing things that scared the shit out of my mother. She never asked what was wrong, just told me to stop. I didn't. I hid it from her instead and then they got worse. Back then they seemed kind of cool, but when I went back and looked at them, I realized how pathetic they are. Just like me."

"You're not pathetic, Levi."

"Aren't I?" The man finally sat up, though only slightly. "You saw the scars." Without letting go of Eren's hand, Levi pushed his sleeve up to reveal the scars again. Eren noticed right away that there were newer ones - pinker instead of darker than the rest of his skin. "Pathetic," he muttered again.

Eren squeezed his hand, tearing his eyes away from the scars and moving them to Levi's hopeless face.

"I have scars, too," he murmured. "You're not alone, you know."

Levi cracked a faint half smile that didn't go near reaching his eyes. "Someone as pure as you? I find that hard to believe. But I am alone, because you're not addicted to heroin."

"But I've been dealing with depression for years," the younger male countered.

"Hmm. Anyway," he went on, pulling his sleeve back into place, yet still not removing his hand from the teen's. "My grades slipped, not that they were all that great to begin with. I started cutting class a lot. I never stopped drawing. On one rare occasion when I did show up to class, I was drawing, and this upperclassman approached me and asked what it was. I hid it from him and told him to leave me alone, but he persisted. Asked me if I was depressed, just like you did. I told him it was none of his business, but then he told me he could help me. I figured he just wanted to take me to see the counselor or something and I almost socked him in the nose. But then he said he had a way to make the depression go away and invited me to a party. I was sixteen. I was desperate. So I went. I told my mom I was going to hang out with a friend, and either she bought it or she didn't care, I don't know. But I went. There were tons of people, ear-splittingly loud music, alcohol, and people practically doing each other everywhere you looked.

"I was one of the only underclassmen there. They looked at me like I was trash, if they looked at me at all. Once they realized I was with him, though, they treated me differently. I paid them no mind. I was there for my promised escape, not to make friends. So he took me into the kitchen, poured a glass of some liquid that to this day I'm unsure of, and dropped a small white tablet into it. I still remember the almost...deranged smile on his face..."

Levi's eyes were unfocused. He stared blankly at the table as he spoke. Eren's heart was pounding, butterflies in his stomach. He was almost afraid to hear the next part.

"He told me to drink it. I was terrified, so I didn't right away. But he talked me into it, told me it would 'take me on a journey'." Levi snorted and rubbed his free hand across his face. His eyes refocused and he drew in a deep breath. "I figured I had nothing more to lose. So I drank it. And he was right. It didn't act all that fast, so I thought he'd just bullshitted me. And then I felt it. It was like my mind wasn't my own anymore, like it was being taken over by some other force. All of my depressing thoughts and desires vanished and I was okay again. I let loose."

"Wh-what was it?" Eren asked softly.

"An Opiate tablet. Yeah, I know, I didn't know those existed, either. Heroin is derived from Opium, yet ten times more potent. At first it was all I used, and only on occasion at parties. But then the effects started getting weaker and weaker and I was getting back to my old, depressed, sober thoughts and they seemed so much worse than before. I needed more, or something else to chase them off. The senior invited me to another party of his. He said I was ready. Fuck if I knew what that meant back then. He did some things with substances I didn't fully recognize, but I watched in fascination. It looked like Opium mixed with some other stuff, and he told me to smoke it. Again, I was desperate. And again, I did. And it was an entirely new experience. It was incredible. You think you might have an idea about the way drugs make you feel, but you don't. Whatever you imagine is wrong and feeble. It's a euphoria. Think of your favorite song, your favorite food, the things you enjoy doing most, and imagine how amazing it would make you feel if you could be doing it all at once, and then multiply that by a million. Even that metaphor doesn't do it justice." Levi shook himself. "Sorry."

"No, keep talking."

Gray eyes met turquoise ones. The raven shook his head just slightly. "You aren't afraid, are you? Not at all."

"I told you I'm not."

"Tch..." The man ran a shaky hand through his hair. "Well then I might as well tell you that not counting tobacco - which I started an easy two months after taking the Opiate for the first time - heroin isn't the only drug I've tried. LSD, Ecstasy, and Crack to name a few...but hallucinogens and such weren't exactly my cup of tea. I kept going back to heroin. I had to be careful to keep it from my family, so I wasn't addicted right off the bat.

"That was when I found the tattoo machine among my mom's old stuff. It was actually my grandfather's, I guess, and she was too preoccupied with other things when I asked to use it that she said she didn't care. That, and cigarettes - something I didn't have to keep from my mother because she smoked them, too - were the only things that kept me sane while I wasn't high.

"Then my mom died. And I couldn't take the depression anymore. Alex was off doing her own shit. She was 20, had a boyfriend and a job and a life. I'd already dropped out of school. I got a job. The only reason for that was for money for my drug. I lost touch with the person who introduced me, so I was forced to find another connection and I did. I still lived in the same house alone, so it was pretty easy. Being alone and having access to money and a dealer with my never-ending depression had me addicted quickly. I went from smoking to snorting to injecting in a matter of about two years. It was at about the same time that Alex dumped her boyfriend after he'd cheated on her when I decided I couldn't live in that house anymore. Because of something in the insurance when my mom died, we were able to own the house. We sold it and split the money. It's...what I've been surviving off of for the past month. But that's how we got here. I found Reiner's shop and then she met him, too. Bada bing, bada boom, true love." The raven rolled his eyes and rested his head back on the table. "And now here I am...holding your hand like you're the only real thing in my life. Like you're the only thing holding me here while I'm away from my monster." His fingers suddenly went limp. "Sorry. You probably don't want to be touching something so disgusting."

Instead of verbally responding, Eren moved his hand to lace his fingers through Levi's. His hand had warmed up considerably since Eren took hold of it via transferred heat. The teen then laid his head down as well to look Levi in the eyes, which reopened as soon as he felt the difference. When he saw Eren so close, they widened.

"You're not disgusting," murmured the teen.

"You really are crazy," Levi whispered back.

Eren cracked a smile. "Maybe I am. Doesn't matter. Is that all of it?"

Past a sigh, the raven murmured, "Well, no."

Eren started the rubbing of his thumb back up. He could practically feel the distress radiating off of the smaller man. "What is it?" he asked.

"This is probably the hardest thing to talk about. That's why I left it out. But those stupid, beautiful eyes of yours are compelling me to tell you."

Eren felt his face heat up. "M-my eyes?" he mumbled.

"Tch. Hopeless." Levi's own bloodshot orbs slid shut once more. He took a deep breath. "I...had a little sister. She was born when I was 14. In fact, my mom announced that she was pregnant the night I came home from my aunt's after the first time _it_ happened." A visible shudder coursed through the small male. "Her name was Isabel, and she was the most precious person in the world to me. She understood me even though she was only four."

"What happened to her?"

Abruptly, Levi sat up and pulled his knees to his chest, something Eren was picking up that was a habit for him under circumstances provoking insecurity. His fingers tightened between the teen's once more and his shaking continued, a bit harsher.

"Sh-she was in the car with my mom when she drove into that river..." he stammered.

Shock rocketed throughout Eren's entire body, quickly followed by phantom grief and sympathy.

"Levi..."

"They say she was asleep so she didn't feel a thing. I was the only one home when it happened. I don't even know where Alex was. But I had to be the one to go down and identify their bodies." Beneath his pale skin, his Adam's apple bobbed. When he spoke again, his voice was barely above a whisper. "I still remember how they looked. Pale. Blueish. Lifeless, obviously. It's one memory my monster keeps away. One of the most painful ones."

The mask of pain returned. A question popped into the teen's head - one he was reluctant to ask, but _had_ to learn the answer to.

"D-did she do it on purpose?"

"Fuck if I know, but probably. My mom wasn't exactly the most mentally stable person before it happened. The rainstorm could've given her an excuse...and she could've made it look like an accident. Her boyfriend - Isabel's father - broke up with her only a week before then. A-and Izzy...she had leukemia. It wasn't terminal, but it wasn't like we had the insurance or the money to pay for treatment..."

At the end, Levi's voice was breaking and his eyes were shiny as moisture accumulated in them. No tears fell, but he buried his face in his knees. He started to draw his hand back, but Eren didn't allow him to. Instead, he moved around the table to sit closer to the man, hoping perhaps he'd find some sort of comfort.

The brunet had nothing to say. He couldn't imagine losing both his sister and mother on the same day, let alone thinking what happened wasn't an accident. Sure, he and Mikasa fought and she was a little brat, but Eren still loved her. She was his _sister_.

"Shit," mumbled the raven, dragging his sleeve across his face in an attempt to erase his sudden tears. "I hate crying."

Eren chuckled. "Me too."

"How the hell do you _do_ this to me, you shitty brat?"

"I-I didn't do anything..."

"You made me talk about my sister." Again, his voice cracked on 'sister'. "I haven't talked to anybody about her since it happened. Not even Alex."

"That's why you were depressed, isn't it? Not so much because of your mom...but because of your little sister." Levi said nothing, kept his eyes fixed on Eren's leg. "I know I'm right. And I'm sorry...even though I know that won't bring her back."

"I loved her so much. It's stupid, but in a way you remind me of her. And maybe that's why I let you in. That makes me even more of a shitty person than I thought I was. Hmph."

"You're a lot less fucked up than you think you are, Levi."

Glassy gray eyes flickered up to meet oceanic green ones. "Or maybe I'm a lot _more_ fucked up than _you_ think I am."

A small smirk playing on his lips, the brunet shook his head. "But I mean _you_. Not the part of you that's addicted to heroin. Not the part that's depressed. I mean the genuine _you_."

"Hn. That _is_ me. And it's fucked up."

"You wanna know what my mom said about you after she met you?"

Through the simple contact of their hands, Eren could feel the older man tense. His eyes narrowed. "What?"

"She said you have a good heart, but you're just lost and lonely. And she's right. You've been through too much...it was inevitable that you would end up screwed up in some way. You just need a push in the right direction."

"And that's what you're here for."

"I guess I am."

"Even after all of that...hearing everything...you're not afraid...or..."

"I told you, Levi. I'm not. All I want is for you to get better."

"You really are crazier than I am..."


	18. *~Chapter Seventeen~*

"You wanted the whole truth, correct?" murmured Levi, looking seriously into Eren's eyes. Said teen nodded and, with slight reluctance, Levi withdrew his hand and reached back to pull his shirt over his head. Beneath it, he wore nothing but a simple black muscle shirt.

Even through the shirt, his ribs were visible and his collarbones stuck out almost unnaturally. Unsurprisingly, the rest of his skin was just as pale as his face with the grayish undertone. The crimson hue of his rose tattoo - from the side of his neck, stretching down over his shoulder and collarbone - stood out brightly. It was a gorgeous tattoo; Eren couldn't help but wonder who did it. Accompanying it were two piercings - silver bars on each side of the collarbone. He bore another dark pattern of a tattoo on his right arm, though Eren wasn't paying much attention as to what it was. He couldn't, with the sight of the rest of Levi's body exposed in front of him.

His arms...they were atrocious. Scars marked them up and down all over, particularly on his forearms. Not only were they marked up, but were extraordinarily thin. The bones in his wrists and elbows stuck out as the skin clung close with little fat or muscle in between.

Interestingly, Eren noted his forearms to be void of any tattoos with the exception of one - one that greatly disturbed him. At the inner base of his right wrist was a line. Specifically, the line of a heart monitor. It contained several ups and downs until the remaining inch or so, where it flat lined. It, too, bore several scars, distorting it considerably. By the appearance of how faded it was, it was obviously fairly old.

The sight of it caused something in Eren to churn uncomfortably. He knew what it meant; there was really only one thing it could mean. He had the urge to touch it but refrained, unsure of how the man who bore it would react.

He continued to study the man for a long, quiet moment. Years of abuse were manifested on his small body - from the dozens of little needle pricks and prominent blue veins around them to the grayish undertone of his skin. It was scary, almost like death itself loomed over him, ready and waiting to pounce.

Finally, Levi broke the silence.

"This is the truth, Eren." His voice was low, calm, and very serious. "I won't blame you if you run away. It's not pretty, I know, but the truth rarely is. I wasn't lying when I said it gets worse - much worse."

The brunet forced a light grin. "I'm starting to think you're _trying_ to scare me off."

"No!" replied the raven a bit too hastily. "No. I just...don't want to hurt you, but I'm too selfish to tell you to leave. I guess part of me hopes you'll make the decision on your own before I do something else I regret."

"Don't you get it? I _have_ made my decision. I'm sitting here, aren't I?"

The more he spoke, the wider his smile spread. The look in his eyes was so soft and genuine, Levi thought he might throw up again. To have someone look at him that way was unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. It felt _good_ \- like he was actually a person rather than some sort of robot, merely existing rather than living. For so long, that's how it'd been - like he was some sort of machine and someone else was on the inside pushing all the buttons: eat, sleep, hit, repeat. This brat actually recognized the real person inside of all of that clusterfuck, and for that - though he'd never admit it out loud - he was grateful.

"You can't say I didn't warn you, though," he mumbled.

"I'm not completely ignorant, Levi."

"Tch. You're a brat." It seemed like he wanted to say more, but a coughing fit overtook him and left him breathless and leaning heavily on the couch next to him. Gooseflesh rose on his skin and his arms wrapped around his torso as if he was cold. Eren gently pressed the long-sleeved shirt back into his hands. He took it without argument and pulled it back over his head.

"Do you need anything?" murmured Eren.

"A cigarette," Levi replied simply.

Eren decided he wouldn't argue and helped Levi to his feet. Cigarettes definitely weren't good for Levi, let alone anyone, but he had to take one thing at a time.

While Levi was outside, Eren elected to call his mom. It was almost 9 AM, she was almost surely awake by then. It rang four times before there was a click and a calm yet cheerful, "Good morning, Eren."

The simple sound of her voice helped rebuild Eren's hope and radiated a sort of serenity throughout his entire being.

"Hi, Mom," he said with a soft smile.

"Are you alright?" she asked. It wasn't any surprise that from a mere two words, the woman could detect something off about her son.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Didn't sleep." As if to punctuate his words, the teen yawned.

"Why not? Too worried about Levi?"

"Something like that, I guess."

"How is he?" Eren could hear semi-muffled noises in the background; he imagined his mom making breakfast, likely cooking too much food just for the two of them because she was used to making more.

"He's...much the same. He got in a fight with his sister, though, and I had him tell me his story and I don't think that did much good for his emotions." He began chewing on his lip, staring absently at the floor in front of him.

"Maybe it helped," suggested Carla. "Generally letting things out can ease built up tension. And if he told you, that must surely mean he trusts you."

"It seems like it. I don't know. He's...complicated."

"I can imagine. But enough about him for now, how are you?"

"I'm alright. Worried about what I'm gonna do about school. I can't leave him alone..."

"I can see how that will be an issue."

"Mhm..."

There was a long silence. Eren listened closely to the sounds in the background for a minute. He recognized the sound of dishes clanking together and water running.

"Doesn't your school have an online program?" asked the woman after a minute.

"Yeah, they do..."

"Maybe you can work things out to take your classes online instead."

"But what reason do I give them?"

"Well, you could tell them you've been having health issues..."

"You want me to lie?" Eren couldn't help but grin a little.

"Technically it isn't a lie. Depression is just as much of a health issue as any kind of physical illness."

"So you would let me do that...just stop going to school?"

"You wouldn't be stopping, you'd still be taking your classes. And I can tell your feelings for Levi mean more to you than school right now. I just want you to do what you think is right, what you're feeling more strongly about, and right now the path you've chosen is apparent to me."

Absently, the teen was twirling a piece of his hair in front of his ear around his finger thoughtfully. Of course she was right - he'd choose helping - no, saving Levi over school any day. He still hadn't completely figured out his major and was having trouble motivating himself to stay in school as it was, even before Levi came into his life. Getting a job and helping his family was much more important to him, anyway.

"M-maybe I should just drop out for a while," he mumbled. "So I can get my own life together, too..."

"You're old enough to make that kind of decision on your own, Eren. You know I'll support you no matter what you decide."

"That's a lot of wasted money, though...and Armin..."

"Armin will remain your friend whether you go to school together or not."

"He has stuck around all these years nonetheless, huh?"

When Carla spoke again, the smile surely on her face was apparent in her voice. "Exactly."

Another moment of silence followed. The teen continued to chew on his lip thoughtfully, trying to weigh the pros and cons of his options in such a short amount of time. There was a lot to consider, and with lack of sleep, his head was beginning to pound.

"You don't have to make up your mind right this second, honey," Carla murmured. It was scary sometimes how she could tell just what he was thinking. Nonetheless, he grinned a bit as Levi was quietly stepping back into the room. "Think about it and give it a few days," she went on. "And as I've always said, I'm just a phone call away if you need me."

"Right. Thank you, Mom."

"Of course, darling. Do you want to speak to your sister?"

"Um, sure?"

"Just a sec."

Shuffling noises and distant voices sounded from the speaker as the phone was being moved. While he waited, he watched Levi, who paid him little regard, shuffle into the kitchen.

"Eren?" came Mikasa's voice a short second later.

"Hey, Mikasa," he replied.

"Where the heck are you?"

"Mom didn't tell you?"

"Not really. She just said you had 'something important to take care of'." Even through the phone, the air-quotes were obvious in her tone.

"Yeah. It's...complicated. Sorry for leaving so suddenly."

"Well, whatever. As long as you're not out there doing drugs or committing some other crimes..."

Eren snorted. "Yeah, I robbed a bank just this morning, and tonight I plan to get drunk and go streaking." He rolled his eyes. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Levi poke his head around the corner from the kitchen and turned to see him cock a brow, confused.

"What's streaking?" Mikasa asked innocently.

The brunet resisted the urge to burst out laughing. "Forget it. I'll explain everything in a few days, alright?"

"Okay."

Her simple answer threw Eren slightly off guard. It was unlike her to give such a short answer or let him get by without explaining what something like streaking was.

"Mikasa? You okay?"

"I guess so. I just feel left out."

Sighing, Eren leaned forward and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "Yeah, I understand. I'm sorry. But I promise I will explain."

"You better."

That sounded more like her.

"I'll talk to you in a few days."

"Alright. Here's Mom."

There was more rustling as the phone was handed back at the same time the raven rejoined him in the living room with a mug of steaming tea.

"I didn't tell her much because I figured you'd want to tell her," she said softly.

"I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to say to her. She's quick to judge and I don't want her getting the wrong idea."

"I understand. We'll figure it out. In the meantime, you need to get some rest. You sound exhausted."

"I am," he mumbled, leaning back and shutting his eyes, fighting a yawn. "But are you guys gonna be okay? I mean, do you have enough money and all that?"

"Don't worry about us, sweetheart. We're perfectly fine. You need to be worrying about yourself and your task at hand right now."

"Right..."

"Get some rest, call in a few days or whenever you like. I'll always be here."

Tears were suddenly pricking at the corners of Eren's eyes and he squeezed them shut to hold them back.

"'Kay."

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Mom."

"Bye."

"Bye..."

There was a click and three beeps before the line went dead. The teen merely let the phone slip from between his fingers and land on the cushions next to him. With a tired sigh he sat up only to find Levi peering at him over his tea cup.

"What?" he asked, suddenly self-conscious.

"I'm keeping you from your family," murmured the raven, low voice hoarse, likely from the cigarette he'd so recently smoked.

"It's f-"

"No it isn't. They're your family. They should be higher up on your list of priorities than me. I'm just-"

Eren held both of his hands up, cutting the smaller man's words off. "Stop. Just stop, okay? I know you think you're unworthy or hopeless or whatever you think you are...but you're not. I do prioritize my family. Before myself, even. But now you're part of my life, too. And you can say whatever you want, but I'm not gonna leave you alone. I refuse to at this point."

The tea cup lowered, though Levi kept his somber gaze steadily on the teen. His expression was unreadable and he said nothing. For a moment, Eren feared he wouldn't respond.

"Alright," he said simply. "You're stubborn as a bull, I'll give you that."

"So I've been told," breathed the younger male, running a hand tiredly through his hair.

"Get some sleep. No way you can help me if we're both fucked up."

"Hang on," mumbled Eren, suddenly remembering something and reaching for his bag. He pulled the zipper of the smallest of the three pockets open and reached inside. Immediately, his fingers made contact with what he was after. He took hold of it and drew it out of the bag.

Immediately, Levi's eyes narrowed in suspicion at it. It was square and thin and wrapped in shiny green paper, topped with an equally as shiny red bow. He watched as Eren stood and moved across the short distance between the two couches and tentatively took a spot relatively close to the raven-haired man. He held the package out toward him and waited.

"I was gonna give this to you on Christmas, but then..." He half-shrugged, not feeling the need to finish. Levi knew, of course.

"You aren't very good at balance, are you, Jaeger?"

Said teen blinked in moderate confusion. "Huh?"

"You're doing all of this shit for me, and now giving me this, and yet so far the only thing I've done for you is put you through more hell than you deserve. At this rate, we'll be so thrown off you'll have to throw me into the pits of hell yourself."

The brunet's brows knitted together. "That isn't true," he countered. "You helped me clean up the back room in the shop, and you let me be the first person to watch you tattoo, and the only so far. Plus, you listened to my annoying rants while we were cleaning, and..."

Eren didn't finish the rest. Levi had gingerly set his tea cup down and took the gift in his trembling, pale hand. Eren watched in satisfaction, fascination, and mild excitement as Levi's fingers worked to unwrap it. It took him longer than generally necessary due to his trembling state, but he managed to unwrap it nonetheless.

Inside of the green paper had, not so surprisingly, been a thin plastic CD case containing a folded piece of paper and an unmarked, shiny compact disc. The artist opened it, careful to hold it in such a way that the paper wouldn't fall out. When he started to pull it out, Eren instinctively reached out and placed his hand over Levi's much cooler one. The raven flinched as they both felt a surge of electricity travel throughout their entire bodies. Eren's heart picked up speed and his cheeks grew warm. He slowly withdrew his hand. Why that seemed so much more awkward after they'd held hands for nearly an hour a mere half hour prior was unbeknownst to either of them.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "Just...please don't read that until I'm not around to witness it."

"That embarrassing, hm?"

Eren thought he detected a hint of amusement from the raven, but he couldn't be sure because his eyes were impassive as ever, even almost stoic.

"No...it's just...I don't know. Just promise you won't."

Levi gazed at the teen, trying to read into the depths of his sea-foam green eyes for signs of what might be written on that small sheet of paper.

"Hn. Alright, I promise."

 _Promise_. That was sure an underused word in his vocabulary. As soon as the word was past his lips, he felt some sort of shift in their relationship.

It seemed such a small thing, just to promise refraining from reading whatever it was while Eren was unaware to witness it, yet in a strange way it moved the small tattoo artist. Eren had something of a knack for that, however, and the more he got through, the more Levi was comfortable with it. It was terrifying yet captivating all at once.

Eren's face relaxed and he even smiled a bit. "Thank you," he said.

Levi merely nodded once. "As I was saying, you should get some sleep." He pressed the CD case closed and traded it for his tea cup on the coffee table.

The brunet did yawn, then, and mumbled a, "Yeah, you're right..."

"You can sleep wherever. I don't really care. I just hope you don't snore." He tilted the cup back to his lips, piercings clicking faintly against side of it again, and took a sip, eyes away from the teen.

Chuckling, Eren moved back to the other couch saying, "No worries." He worked on getting himself comfortable before looking across at Levi, who still wasn't looking at him. "If you need something, just wake me up, okay?"

"Tch. Just go to sleep, brat."

At that point, Eren couldn't help but to comply. He found himself somehow smiling ever so lightly before drifting off...

Levi waited until he was sure Eren was asleep - his face relaxed of the dopey smile he'd fallen asleep with, his breathing deepened, and the rest of his body unmoving. Once he was out, Levi gingerly reached for the CD again with shaking fingers. He placed his tea cup silently on the table and, as quietly as he could, reopened the plastic case. This time his shakiness caused the folded slip of paper to slide out and land in his lap.

As he was picking it up, he was _really_ starting to feel the withdrawals set in - endless shakiness, itching, feeling cold despite the 70° temperature in the apartment and long sleeves. Though, those were only minor things; he couldn't _wait_ until they started to build up...

Nevertheless, he forced himself to ignore that for the time being. He let the slip of paper in front of him serve as his distraction. Technically the brat couldn't witness his reading whatever was on the other side, so this way he wasn't breaking his promise.

'Tch, yeah, because I've cared so much about keeping promises in the past,' thought Levi sarcastically.

He opened the note. The first thing he noticed was how on this, Eren's handwriting was much neater than on the other he'd had Alex pass along. That one, he was sure, had been written in haste whereas this one was likely more thought out and had more time spent on it.

It was written in black ink rather than pencil, as well, and it, too, addressed Levi by name.

Stalling, he reached over into the drawer in the front of the coffee table. For whatever reason, he was slightly afraid to read it. Sure enough, the item he'd been looking for was exactly where he'd left it the other night - his glasses. He hated wearing them, had this idea in his head they 'destroyed his image', whatever the fuck that was, but used them on certain occasions such as this.

His fingers, still shaking - which was now beginning to travel throughout the rest of his small body - tentatively put them in place and then went back to the note.

'Stop being a fucking chicken,' he scolded himself before reopening the piece of paper and setting his ashy gaze upon it again and began reading.

_"Levi,_

_I guess this probably seems pretty cheesy. Just hear me out, okay?_

_I have several reasons why I chose each song for this. Some you seemed to like when I played them in the shop, some I thought you could relate to, some were ones that have helped me through my own crap, and a lot of them are all three reasons. I'll understand if you don't like it, but maybe they'll help."_

Below it, Eren sighed his name and below that was a track listing of 21 songs. There were several of the same artists throughout it, but they were all mixed up. Levi recognized some of the names from Eren having played them while they were cleaning, but after a month of near agony, he had trouble remembering the melodies to any of them.

"Stupid, thoughtful brat," he grumbled, but couldn't help but pick up his laptop from the table beside him and open it. His headphones were, thankfully, still connected to it from when he used it last. He popped the CD into the drive and waited for the software to open so he could play it. Once it opened, he tapped play and immediately, the first song began.

As he listened, his mind, sober or not, continued to constantly scream at him about how much he didn't deserve the kindness of the sleeping boy across the room. He'd done terrible things in the past that Eren had not a clue about. He was a criminal, yet the idiot didn't really seem to care.

Yet there he was, listening to a CD the brat had made solely for him, thought of each song and had a reason for putting it on there.

His emotions ran rampant within his being in time with his thoughts. Misery, pain, and desperation collided furiously with hope, fear, and even love like some sort of internal hurricane.

_"If you're gonna be the death of me, that's how I wanna go..."_

He felt strangely alive despite the burning in his throat and lungs, the shaking, and the past eight years of borderline hell. No, it wasn't even eight years. It was the entirety of the 24 years he had behind him. It had all been hell, yet with the sleeping brat across the room and the gift of his music, the fluttery feeling in his gut felt genuine.

_"We're the beginning of the end."_

Stupid, accurate metaphors...

Levi continued to listen. He closed his eyes and let the rest of his senses take over, drumming his fingers lightly against the side of his legs in time with the beat of the music. Each song, he felt, held some sort of significance or symbolism for the situation. It was almost uncanny how Eren's selection was damn near perfect, despite his ignorance about the extent of the situation at the time he'd chosen these particular songs.

_"Don't give up baby, I know that it's shaky, just let love consume us."_

'Jeez. This is cheesy as hell,' he thought, unaware of the slight smirk that had manifested on his lips.

It wasn't until the sixth song in the playlist that everything hit him hard. It came crashing into him as if he'd run into a brick wall moving at a hundred miles per hour, or maybe it was an avalanche rushing over him, or a train coming at top speed...

Whatever metaphor, it was life-changing. He didn't know if it was the lyrics, the melodies, the fact that this was a song that caused the bright eyed brat to think of him, or a combination, but it moved him. Tears stung the corners of his somber gray eyes and he yanked his glasses off to quickly press the top half of his face into his sleeve. His attempt to force his tears away was fruitless; they quickly condensed and spilled over.

As soon as the song reached its end, he hastily tapped pause and nearly ripped the headphones from his ears to shove the laptop onto the coffee table and pull his knees to his chest.

'Shitty brat,' he thought over and over. 'This is your fault.'

He wasn't angry, however. His thoughts were merely manifestations of what he was used to. Eren and the hope he brought, the _light_ and _purity_ he seemed to radiate despite his own struggles...those weren't things Levi was used to. This wasn't the raven's comfort zone. In fact, at that point he was sure his comfort zone had left the galaxy.

Something inside of him wanted to be grateful, but at that point all he felt he knew how to do was be afraid. Afraid and in pain from withdrawals, which were like an ominous cloud hanging above him, slowly engulfing him.

His lungs burned. His throat burned. His muscles were beginning to ache and the longer he sat there, the more the walls started to move out of place.

'You can just make it go away, you know,' his mind whispered to him. 'One shot and you'll feel better...'

Without consciously making the decision to, he set his gaze on the sleeping teen across the room. Though there seemed to be more than one of everything due to nausea, he still managed to make out the relaxed features of Eren's face. For a while, this worked in keeping the yearning away.

But very soon, his body was in agony. He was shaking so badly that not even closing his eyes chased the nausea away. His body was screaming for the monster. Begging. Desperate.

And he could no longer fight it.

~*~

Eren awoke to the muffled sound of coughing. No, retching was more like it. It sounded absolutely agonizing and had him shooting upright in an instant.

Levi was nowhere to be seen. The sounds were traveling down the hallway, likely from the bathroom.

Eren's body reacted faster than his mind. Before he seemed to have made the conscious decision, he'd speed-walked down the hall and was in front of the slightly ajar bathroom door.

Levi was behind it. It was clear he was having trouble breathing by the ragged sounds meeting Eren's ears.

"Levi?" he murmured, heart pounding.

"G-go away," choked the man.

Of course, Eren ignored that and gently pushed the door open with his foot. Sure enough, Levi was leaning over the toilet, gripping the side of it so tightly his knuckles were even whiter than the rest of his skin. His other arm was wrapped tightly over his torso and he had something wrapped tightly in his fist but Eren couldn't tell what it was. A sheen of sweat covered Levi's reddened face. Scraggly clumps of hair fell over his bloodshot eyes. The shaking had consumed essentially the entirety of his body, worsening in time with the horrid coughing escaping his throat.

Eren took all of this in in an instant before he knelt at the raven's side, hands fluttering about in a panicky manner.

"D-dammit, brat," mumbled Levi in between retches.

The brunet ignored that. "Will water help?"

Wearily, Levi nodded. Eren's eyes automatically lifted to search the sink for a cup. Sure enough, one sat to the left of the faucet and the teen stood up, quickly filling it with the coldest water he had the patience to wait for. He didn't bother trying to place it in Levi's hands; he knew the raven would just end up dropping it like he had that morning.

Normally, he was sure Levi would detest being helped with such a simple thing, feeling like a helpless baby, but at that point he didn't argue. Once the cup was at his lips, he took huge gulps until it was gone.

Three more cupfuls later, his face had essentially returned to its usual color and he managed to relax despite his still labored breathing. One thing Eren didn't expect was for him to slump to the side, his head landing in the dead center of Eren's chest.

"A-are you okay now?" the teen mumbled, feeling slightly awkward.

"Sure," croaked Levi. His voice was practically shot. "You'd think after a month, I'd be used to that..."

The teen really had no response to that. Instead, he asked, "What's in your hand?"

Slowly, Levi's eyes descended to his hand, still curled in a fist around something long and narrow. Gradually, he allowed his fingers to relax until they opened just enough for Eren to tell what it was.

A syringe.

Swallowing hard, Eren began to reach for it, but Levi's fist had closed tighter than before, lightning fast.

"Did you...?" murmured Eren. His own hands trembled a bit in uneasiness.

"No," he whispered. "I was close, but I didn't."

Tentatively, Eren held his hand out once more, waiting for Levi to place the syringe in his palm. He waited for a long moment, but Levi did nothing more than stare blankly at his fingers.

"Levi, please," he murmured, tone almost pleading. He thought he saw the pale fingers loosen a bit, but he couldn't be sure. "Give it to me." His voice was even softer now.

It took another long minute, but Levi eventually loosened his fist and shakily dropped the item into Eren's waiting palm. The teen couldn't help but flinch once he was in possession of it, and the only thing he could think to do was set it up on the sink to get it out of his hand. It gave him a disturbing feeling he didn't want lingering.

He then asked, "Do you wanna move somewhere more comfortable?"

"I don't want to move at all," grumbled Levi, eyelids dropping closed.

"Then...tell me what happened."

The raven drew in a shaky breath. "The same thing that's been happening for the past month - withdrawals." As he uttered the word, a shiver snaked down his spine. Ever so gently, Eren lifted his hand and began rubbing the man's back. It seemed to work in soothing him.

"You've been trying to get better yourself for the past month, haven't you?" he asked softly. Looking down at the man, sagging limply against him, he had the urge to rest his chin on the top of his head, or bury his nose in that unruly black hair, or even kiss it, but he stiffened his jaw and refrained, mentally kicking himself.

"That wasn't obvious?" he mumbled.

"Well, yeah. But what I don't understand is why."

"Because some brat decided to walk into my life and fuck up everything I'm used to to the extent that I wanted to get better."

Eren felt his eyes widen and widen until the air was biting at them. His hand faltered momentarily in rubbing the artist's bony back, and Levi didn't miss that. With what seemed like a herculean effort, he propped himself up to meet the teen's shocked gaze.

"F-for me?" His voice was merely a breath.

Levi rolled his eyes. "Look who's catching on."

"But...I don't..."

"Over the last month, all I've been doing is repeating this godforsaken cycle. I try as hard as I think I possibly can to rid myself of the monster. At first, it seems easy. But it doesn't take long for the withdrawals to start. I shake, and itch, and then break out into cold sweats. And then everything else hits me like a fucking train - nausea, puking my guts up, terrible aching in my entire body, and chills." As if to emphasize the last one, his small frame shivered once more. "And the memories. They're the worst. And as much as I don't want to, I _have_ to. I go back to the monster. I relapse. And as soon as I imagine those stupid, beautiful, disgustingly genuine eyes of yours, I regret it...and once the high dies down, it starts all over again. It's pitiful, and it's why I'm in the state I'm in now."

Eren gazed at him in disbelief, having not a clue how to respond. He supposed he shouldn't be as surprised as he was; he just wasn't used to people telling him he was the reason for changes in their lives. Then again, he supposed it was because he never really was. It was shocking that this man, as deep into addiction as he was, as almost unapproachable and almost emotionless or even stoic as he seemed the vast majority of the time, was the one to express something like that. Eren never really thought he'd done anything to help this man before the previous night. Some say he had - such as Alex, Reiner, and even his mother in a subtle way - but hearing it and believing it are two different things. To hear it from Levi himself was...humbling, to say the least.

"It's...it's not pitiful," Eren finally managed to utter. "It just means you've got some sort of strength...something inside of you that wants to get better. I think...whatever that thing is knows that this was never really the path you wanted to take."

"Tch. _Strength_. I'm sure that's what it is," muttered the raven sarcastically.

"Well, what else could it be?" reasoned the teen. "And now you're fighting...whether it's because of me or not. And you have to fight in order to win. There's no other way."

Levi shook his head, obviously frustrated, and then gripped his forehead tightly with his thin fingers. "It just doesn't make any sense. Why do I suddenly _care_...?"

"Maybe you should go to the source...figure out why you started this, other than the obvious reason."

Slowly, Levi lowered his hand to his lap, narrow eyes meeting Eren's shakily.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he muttered.

Swallowing hard, the brunet fought for the right words. "I mean...I guess I get the feeling maybe you were lacking something that you needed a substitute for...and that's where the drugs came in."

The raven remained silent for a long moment. His eyes, glassy - almost shimmering - dropped from Eren's gaze to his own hands, trembling mercilessly in his lap. Eren could practically see the gears turning in his head as he considered it. He gulped just before nodding slightly.

"I guess..." he began before stopping to clear his throat. "I guess all I ever truly wanted was to be loved. But no one ever did. Not my mom, not my aunt, never my fucking sperm donor. My sister...that's questionable, but I guess not even that was enough." He chuckled darkly. "So I turned to the monster, who doesn't love me either, but it was my escape from feeling so lonely and abused. And for a while...that was enough. Now I just do it because it's normal. It's comfortable. And it keeps the waking nightmares away. I'm not used to anyone caring about me, seeing as no one ever had the audacity to."

The teen shook his head, again having the urge to take Levi's hand or come into contact somehow to comfort him. Unsure if that was a good idea, he tried using words instead, and ended up saying the first thing that came to mind.

"That's not true. I bet Isabel loved you. You said she understood you even though she was only four, and little kids tend to understand love better than anyone. And...as for me...well, you already know."

Though Levi flinched at the mention of his little sister, his eyes moved to meet Eren's once more. The teen had no explanation for what he saw in the depths of those stormy orbs, other than at that moment they were more vulnerable and open than he'd ever seen them. When he spoke, the words had something permanent and almost intimate and warm settling into his soul.

"And that's precisely why I'm sitting here now, in the disaster that is myself, hoping there might be a way out of hell."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to anyone reading my other fics (paper airplanes and be my salvation) i'm sorry updates are taking so long. i'm trying my best but life is just not allowing time or motivation to write. >.


	19. *~Chapter Eighteen~*

Eren hadn't a thought as to how to respond to Levi's words, and he regretted the heat he felt rushing to his face, surely coloring his cheeks and the tips of his ears. This feature was something he hated about himself, for it happened too frequently and gave him away too often.

"Do...do you wanna move somewhere more comfortable now?" he asked to change the subject in hopes of chasing his mild embarrassment away before the raven could pick up on it.

"Sure," Levi mumbled, raking his fingers through his already messy mohawk.

Eren pushed himself to his feet and offered his hand out to Levi, who took it--though not without a scowl--and pulled himself to his feet as well. He wobbled a bit, his hand coming up in front of his eyes as he leaned on the sink for support, grumbling a curse word under his breath.

"Dizzy?" asked the teen, brows furrowed in concern.

"Only a lot."

"Here." Eren offered his arm once more for the short man to take hold of for balance. The raven merely muttered a 'tch' before squeezing around the brunet toward the door. Staggering, he nearly lost his balance but was lucky enough to catch the doorframe before he went all the way down.

"Just let me help you," Eren half-begged. A frown settled on his face as he moved to Levi's side once more. "You're too weak to-"

His words were interrupted by another round of horrid coughing. Levi crumpled to the ground, unable to hold himself up any longer. His body shuddered as he pulled his arms around himself. Eren felt a pang in his soul with each retch; it was as if his lungs had sympathy pain for Levi. Once the coughing stopped, he drew in a ragged breath and proceeded to hide his face in his knees. His entire body trembled mercilessly.

"I can't do this, Eren," he practically moaned.

Drawing in a breath of his own, the teen knelt down to the artist's side, though refrained from touching him as he so had the urge to. "I know you can," he murmured.

"No. It hurts too much."

"You're stronger than this, Levi. I know you are. You just have to know that you are."

"You're lying to yourself," he mumbled, his voice cracking through its already raspy quality. "I'm not strong. I'm a fucking weakling. You shouldn't be wasting your time on me."

"Humor me, then. If you think you're weak...just try. You can prove yourself wrong."

Wearily, Levi lifted his head once more to meet Eren's concerned gaze. Again, those bright turquoise eyes of his sparked something within the raven. It was quickly smothered by the blackness he bore, but he hadn't missed that feeling...the one that continued to get stronger the longer the brat stuck around, the fool.

"Fine," he muttered just as another shiver ran down his spine.

As Eren offered his hand once more, Levi felt his muscles start to truly ache, particularly in his legs. Combined with his constant quivering, he had trouble standing let alone holding himself up. Reluctantly, he kept hold of the teenager's hand for support and hobbled toward his bedroom. From the bathroom doorway behind him, even after the light was switched off, it was as if he could still feel the syringe on the counter, staring at him in disappointment as if it were the monster itself.

"That better?" asked Eren once he'd sat heavily on his bed and released his hand.

"Again I say, define better."

Eren kept his mouth shut and looked Levi over once more. He appeared so weak it seemed he might just cave in on himself at any second. His breathing was labored and his forehead remained shiny with sweat, random strands of his hair clinging to the moisture. While his hands weren't occupied with something else, he kept his arms folded over his torso and was hunched over like he was having abdominal pain. At that point, Eren wouldn't put it past him. Just by laying eyes on him, it was apparent he was in borderline agony.

"I'm gonna get you some water," Eren said before turning on his heel and heading toward the kitchen. Quickly, he filled a glass and carried it back to Levi, who'd turned and curled up in a ball on his side, burying his face in one of the pillows at the head of his bed.

Eren soundlessly placed the glass on the table next to him and sunk to the floor, fidgeting and wondering if he should say something or let Levi sleep or what. In truth, he could've used more sleep himself, but in the short amount of time he was able to get some shut-eye, Levi almost relapsed - if one could call it a relapse after only having been 'clean' for half a day.

"I'm a terrible person," Levi was muttering.

Eren shook his head despite the raven being unable to see him. "I wish I knew what to do to make you stop believing that."

"I am. First I keep you from your family and now I deprive you of your human necessities, like sleep. Tch..."

The brunet blinked in moderate bewilderment, wondering fleetingly if Levi could read minds, and then immediately shooting such a silly thought down.

"I'm fine," he said in the most reassuring voice he could muster, though he found himself having to fight a yawn to prove it.

"Please, brat. Even I know forty-five minutes of sleep isn't nearly enough, especially for a healthy person."

"What do you mean? How much sleep do you normally get?"

Levi drew in a shaky breath. "It varies. Maybe three to four hours every twenty hours or so."

Eren knew he shouldn't have been surprised, but that was inevitable.

"Do you know how un-" He stopped himself short in realizing how idiotic what he was about to say was.

Regardless, Levi laughed dryly, which quickly turned to a cough. "Yes, brat, I know how unhealthy getting little sleep is. I know how unhealthy many things are. But that never stopped me before, now has it?"

Eren sighed and mumbled a barely intelligible 'sorry'.

With what seemed like a herculean effort, Levi propped himself up to peer at Eren through narrow eyes.

"Get your ass up here and get some sleep," he practically ordered.

"I'm really f-"

"Shut the hell up, Jaeger. It's not going to help me get any better knowing I'm the cause of your health deterioration as well as my own. Just do it."

"O-okay..."

Slowly, Eren pushed himself to his feet, feeling his face heat up once more and internally punching himself for it. His brain practically whirled with scenarios his tired consciousness couldn't keep up with as Levi watched him.

"I can just go sleep on the couch...I don't wanna take your bed..."

Unable to hold himself up any longer, Levi collapsed back into his pillows.

"Whatever. Just get some sleep."

The teen merely nodded and headed for the door. He felt Levi's eyes on his back the entire way and risked a glance over his shoulder.

"Actually, Eren," he called softly. "S-stay," he stammered, averting his eyes. "Please."

"Are you sure?"

The raven nodded once. Cautiously, Eren moved back into the room. Inside his ribcage his heart beat like that of an angry lion and butterflies fluttered throughout his entire body. He suddenly wasn't so tired anymore, even as he gingerly sat on the bed opposite Levi to find it to be surprisingly comfortable. Awkwardness hung heavy in the air. So heavy that Eren felt he was breathing it in.

"So do you sleep sitting up like some freaky vampire or what?" muttered Levi, raking his hand through his hair and curling up on his side once more. His trembling never ceased and Eren couldn't help but notice how he scratched at himself.

"No..."

"Don't make this awkward like some childish middle schooler," he grumbled, shutting his own eyes.

"Sorry. I'm just...not used to this..."

"Hn, makes two of us..." He grimaced before mumbling, "Just lay down. I really don't have the energy to care all that much..."

This time Eren felt it was his turn to humor Levi, so he did as told, curling up much the same way as the artist though not as tightly. Before he decided it was safe and really in his best interest to catch a few more Zs, he found himself asking, "Will you be okay while I'm out?"

"I'm an addict, not a baby," Levi muttered. Eren could see the roll of his eyes beneath his grayish lids.

"I mean...you're not gonna try to...y'know..."

Slowly, the raven reopened his eyes. Eren wasn't so close, but his eyes were wide. Levi chewed the inside of his cheek while considering it. He felt torn right down the middle, between this brat who was looking at him so genuinely, radiating purity and bringing those godforsaken human feelings that Levi couldn't help but be attached to; and the monster, beckoning him from the bathroom - as the withdrawals progressed, the call became stronger.

"I'll try my best," he murmured finally.

"That's all I ask."

Levi resisted the urge to roll his eyes for sake of keeping the dizziness away.

Eren let himself relax as he laid there, his fatigued body too exhausted to keep up the needless mini adrenaline rush. With a yawn, he let his eyes close. Part of him felt he should feel guilty for taking the raven's bed, or weird because they were lying there together, but at that point all he could care about was sleeping. Finally, let himself give in to unconsciousness.

Meanwhile, Levi remained awake, watching as every muscle in Eren's body relaxed one by one until his breathing deepened and he had clearly fallen asleep. His face pacified completely, giving him an even more youthful appearance than he usually conducted. He lacked the small crease between his brows that seemed almost permanent, something the artist knew he was the cause of.

The teen's face appeared soft and serene, his lips - plump but thin enough to gracefully compliment his features - were parted slightly, shallow breaths entering and exiting his body between them.

The urge to reach out and caress that beautiful face hit the raven like a bus. As hastily as he could past his shaking, he shoved his hands between his legs and shut his eyes, willing the urge away.

At that point his muscles began to ache - every single one of them. They spasmed, begging for the monster, begging to feel normal again. His lungs might as well have been on fire for how badly they burned in their struggle for oxygen. His stomach was pitifully empty. Withdrawals never let him keep anything down for more than maybe an hour and that was what had caused him to drop to a such a dangerous weight.

He was sure he was dying. He could feel the pathetic thumping of his heart caged in his aching ribs. Even that was begging to be set free from this misery.

All it took was one hit. One easy hit, just across the hall in the bathroom, hidden away under the sink. One hit and everything would return to normal. He could eat again. He could sleep better. The pain would vanish, chased away by the monster. He could go back to his own made up reality that easily.

Yet as he laid there, he fought it. For once in his life he wasn't completely alone. For once in his life he had a purpose and something else to hold onto that actually meant something to him, strange and unrealistic as that felt after caring about nothing but his monster for such an incredibly long time.

And that purpose laid a mere three feet from him, the sound of his easy breathing and the presence of his purity being Levi's only motivation to fight this overwhelming need off.

Of course, this had been his purpose from the start when he initially decided it was time to get clean. But that motivation was merely a manifestation of distorted memories of bright eyes and soft laughter in the back room of a certain tattoo shop from a brain under the influence of the monster. This...this was real. It was right in front of him, with teeth and a heartbeat, sleeping soundly in all of its serene beauty.

Slowly, Levi reopened his eyes. Eren was unchanged, though the sight of his face caused a pang in his chest, reminding him of how much he didn't deserve this. He didn't need the monster to tell him that; it was something he knew all on his own.

Fighting off the dizziness as best he could, he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. The movement caused the teen to stir but not wake.

As soon as the walls essentially ceased spinning from the movement, Levi took a few sips of the water Eren had left on the bedside table. He then grabbed his pack of cigarettes from the drawer, along with his lighter, and pushed himself to his feet. Sparing one backwards glance at the sleeping teen, experiencing a mixture of emotions still foreign to him, he exited the room and stepped outside into the frigid air, not bothering with shoes or any kind of jacket, and leaned against the wall.

After sliding one of the death sticks from its package, he stuck the rest between his thighs and rolled it between his fingers for a moment, considering a number of things.

Everything in his world was completely turned around. He hadn't been to work in over a month, and though he still had money left over from the bank, it was quickly dwindling. He'd stopped drawing, his creative spirit hidden away in the shadows of withdrawal. He was thoroughly convinced his sister hated him, or at least distrusted him.

'Tch. I deserve that, in the very least,' he thought.

With a sigh manifesting visibly in the cold air, he stuck the cigarette between his lips and lit it, immediately inhaling that little bit of death. It tasted awful; he'd always disliked the taste of tobacco, though flavor wasn't what he sought when he invited into his lungs. It was the sort of...release it gave. It was calming, to put it simply. Nothing like the monster, but the monster was much more potent and did better in holding his emotions and memories in check. Cigarettes were more like parasites, worming their way to his brain through his bloodstream not to keep him 'company' or change who he was, but to help him cope while the monster was away. It was the absolute only thing that got him by when he wasn't high, and he rarely smoked during that time. Parasites and monsters did not get along inside of him.

Levi'd been so lost in his thoughts he hasn't noticed the tiny snowflakes dancing into the stairwell before him at first. With an annoyed grunt, he put out his cigarette and fumbled for the knob to escape back into the warmth.

Almost as soon as the door was shut, his thoughts hit him. Memories flooded in, and he couldn't stop them. They consumed his thoughts and had him planting his back against the door and sliding to the floor, pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face in them as a painful memory seemingly at random swam to the surface and played out.

_"Mama, how come I don't have a dad?"_

_"He's gone," the woman put simply. She didn't even spare him a glance as she took a drag off of her cigarette, staring blankly out the balcony doors of the small apartment they lived in._

_"How come?"_

_"He's a jackass, that's why."_

_The boy frowned and clambered into the chair next to his mother. He was determined to get an answer out of her._

_"Why, though?"_

_With an irritated sigh, the woman turned and smacked the table, her rings clacking against it and causing the child to flinch at the loud noise._

_"I don't know, Levi. There are just bad people out there, alright? And your father is one of them."_

_To such a small, underdeveloped brain, those words made no sense. Small hands fidgeted with the edge of a black shirt._

_"Does he hate me?" he asked._

_"He hates everyone." She leaned back and took another drag before carelessly releasing the smoke. Levi had long since been used to the smoke in the atmosphere no matter where they lived. Still, even so young, he remembered disliking the smell of it and thinking he'd never use those disgusting things._

_"But I'm his son. How can he hate me?"_

_"Shit, Levi, I don't know!" the woman snapped. "Don't ask about him ever again. Just...pretend he doesn't exist."_

_The boy stared at his mother, trying to comprehend why the subject was so touchy to her. He wasn't through, though. He needed an answer._

_"What about Alex?" he asked._

_"What about her?" The woman's fingers came up to pinch the bridge of her nose, something Levi always remembered thinking she did when she about had it with him._

_"She doesn't have a dad, either."_

_"Not everyone needs a dad. Stop asking such idiotic questions and go to your room."_

_Her voice was flat, impassive. When it got that way, the child knew not to argue. With an exasperated sigh, he slid off of the chair and padded barefoot down the hall and into his room where he shut the door and twisted the lock._

_He remained in his room for the rest of that afternoon, distracted by the mess of toys he'd pulled out of his closet. Eventually, he'd fallen sleep among them and was awoken by the slamming of the door and abrupt yelling. It startled him awake and rendered him disoriented until he recognized the voices of his mother and her current boyfriend. At first they seemed moderately calm, but the argument quickly escalated._

_Scared, Levi climbed over his toys and squeezed himself into the closet, managing to fit his small frame among what remained inside. Through the thin wall, he could hear profanity and things breaking, particularly glass._

_All he recalled clearly hearing was about him and his sister._

_"And what about my children, huh?! What do you expect to do with them?!"_

_"Fuck if I know! We can't take 'em with if that's what you're sayin'!"_

_"I know that, jackass! So, what?!"_

_"Put the fricken gremlins up for adoption! Give 'em to an orphanage! I don't give a fuck!"_

_"You expect me to abandon Alex and Levi for your drunk ass?!" There was sarcastic laughter and another clatter. That was when Levi pressed his small fists to his ears, desperately trying to block out their screaming that to him at the time was ear-splittingly loud. He didn't remember where Alex had been - whether she was at a slumber party or what - but he did remember wishing she'd been there to comfort him, or at least be there so he wasn't alone in his experience._

_The argument seemed to end as quickly as it began with a "Stay the fuck away from me or I'll call the police!" and a thud as the front door slammed shut. After that, everything fell silent._

_Levi didn't recall how long he remained in the closet, huddled up in his own protection before his mother unlocked the door from the outside and made her way in._

_"Levi?" she murmured into the darkness. The child was too afraid to speak or move. He waited for her to find him. When she did, he could just barely make out the puffiness of her eyes and the shininess on her cheeks from tear streaks on her face poking in the door._

_"Come out of there, Levi," she said. He shook his head. She crouched down. "Come on, sweetie, I promise you're safe. He's gone."_

_He remembered being surprised at those words. She never called him or his sister 'sweetie' or made promises that they were safe. Presently he would've been skeptical, but at the time he was merely five and trusted his mother more than anyone. So he reached out for her and let her pull him out from the mess of toys in the closet and into her arms._

_That night, she made him a 'special' meal - chicken nuggets and fried potatoes with all the ketchup he wanted - and gave him a bubble bath, something he'd never experienced before. After that she gave him a giant bowl of ice cream and turned on a tape of his favorite cartoon. She wrapped him up in a huge blanket and let him curl up in her lap until he fell asleep._

_It was the only time he recalled her ever being so motherly, and that was what made the memory so painful. Even to that day, it was a feeling he longed to experience again - the love of a mother, even in the perspective of a five-year-old's mind. For just that one night he believed she actually loved him rather than constantly questioning it up until the day she passed away._

_Even in the nights of his mother fighting, or fighting with his sister as he grew up, then still seemed like such a simpler time as compared to the present. A time where he still picked his boogers and played in the dirt without a care; a time where laughter came much easier and he was too naïve to understand anything other than to love his mother and be nice to his sister. As he grew up, of course, he learned...and that was ultimately led him down the path he was on now._

As the memory faded out, the awareness of his aching muscles and burning lungs faded back in. Though those things seemed like almost nothing compared to the emotional pain he bore from the memory.

From down the hall, the beckoning of the monster was louder than ever. In his trembling state, he managed to pull himself to his feet using the doorknob above him. He could think of nothing but ridding himself of this horrid feeling of loss and loneliness as he shuffled down the hall. A cloud of depression was manifesting around him and all he wanted was for it to blow away. In his mind's eye, there was only one way to accomplish that.

Levi turned and stood in the doorway of the bathroom. Gingerly, he flicked the light on. Gray orbs immediately focused on the cylindrical item resting where it had last been left - on the counter to the left of the sink. Inanimate as it was, he could practically hear it tempting him.

_One hit and you'll feel better._

_Resisting will only make it worse._

_Don't be such a coward._

As the raven took a step forward, breath caught somewhere between his throat and chest, his senses suddenly became aware of something else that had him stopping short. His ears picked up the sound of soft, deep breathing coming from behind him.

_'I'll try my best.'_

_'That's all I ask.'_

Fingers balling into fists, he cautiously risked a glance over his shoulder. Across the hall and in his room, Eren slept soundly, having spread out from his initial position in the midst of unconsciousness. His face was squished up against and half buried in one of the pillows; his back visibly rose and fell with his steady breathing. His hair was already tousled from sleep in a way Levi, in a better state, might describe as 'adorable'.

The raven's resolve crumbled to bits at that moment. Fumbling, he reached for the knob of the bathroom door and pulled it shut. Unaware of the moisture seeping from the ducts of his eyes, he made his way back into the bedroom to join the teenager. On his way, he grabbed his sketchbook and a single stick of charcoal from one of the drawers. He then proceeded to gingerly take his place on the bed, careful not to wake Eren, and placed the book on his lap.

Almost as soon as he was next to the sleeping teen again, he felt the calm of his presence and was able to relax a little, but the pain of the memory was still apparent in his chest and his entire being felt incredibly conflicted. The sketchbook in his lap seemed to play the role of a medium between the two, something that had little connection to either the monster or Eren, someone his feelings unmistakably became stronger for by the minute.

He had no idea what he planned to draw, if anything. He sat for a while staring at the blank page in front of him, twirling the piece of charcoal between his thin fingers, already blackening them.

And suddenly he wasn't thinking and the charcoal connected with the paper. Just like when he tattooed, it was as if he was merely an observer while his hands did all the work. He watched as lines manifested messily across the paper, creating an image he wasn't consciously sure of.

_???_

Eren didn't know how long he slept. His only awareness upon waking was immense comfort and the lack of light in the room as compared to when he'd passed out. Consequent to opening his eyes, he was rendered momentarily disoriented, having not immediately recognized his surroundings. His brain briefly going into panic mode, he sat up quickly and glanced around, only to remember where he was and why.

Taking a deep breath, he let his muscles relax and dragged a hand across his sleepy features. Waking up so suddenly had his heart pounding needlessly in his chest.

That was when his ears picked up on the strange scratching sound and ragged breathing to his right. He turned. In the dim light, he could just barely make out Levi's trembling outline. He appeared to have something in his hand, but Eren's unadjusted eyes couldn't quite make out what. Frowning, he reached back to flick the light on next to the bed. He blinked rapidly to let his eyes readjust to the sudden brightness and then swiveled his entire body around to survey the man sitting a mere two feet away from him.

The artist seemed in a trance, his hand using a dwindling stick of charcoal to scratch over the lines of a drawing in his sketchbook over and over in an almost frantic manner. His steely eyes remained unblinking, yet a constant stream of tears flowed from them, making trails down his cheeks and dripping off of his chin. His pallid hands had been altered, darkened by the charcoal. Each line in the drawing was in its own indent from having been traced over dozens of times with added pressure.

"L-Levi?" the teen murmured cautiously, frown deepening.

Suddenly, the remainder of the stick of charcoal snapped and crumbled to pieces in the artist's hand. His damp lashes fluttered and his eyes focused back in as he drew in s large gulp of air. His hand curled into a tight fist, trembling violently around what remained of the utensil.

Eren didn't spare the drawing a glance as he reached over and took the fist between both of his hands. Gently, he started massaging it in an attempt to get it to loosen up, darkening his own tan skin with remnants of the charcoal in the process. He noted how gelid Levi's hand was, as well; it was nearly freezing. Slowly but surely, the hand relaxed, as did the rest of his body and the breath he'd drawn in let out slowly through his nose.

At that moment, Levi's stinging eyes focused on what he'd drawn and immediately the urge to throw up overwhelmed him. Hastily, he withdrew his hand from Eren's, reluctantly away from the warmth, and used his blackened hand to smudge the drawing over before seizing the sketchbook with both hands and hurling it as hard as he could at the opposite wall. It made a satisfying thud, leaving charcoal dust on the white paint of the wall, and slid to the floor.

"A-are you okay?" Eren murmured, frowning deeply.

Jaw clenched tight, Levi pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them closely, trembling kicking back up. With a shake of his head, he hid his face from the teen, not wanting to let him see any more of his tears.

Eren only watched, unsure of what to do as his heart squeezed painfully for the man in front of him. Whatever he'd drawn - something Eren hadn't seen - had really gotten to him. The teen felt helpless.

"What can I do?" he asked after a while, unable to stand the silence any longer.

Levi lifted his head and angled his face away from the teen to drag his sleeve across his face in an attempt to erase his tears.

"Help me up," he rasped. "I need a cigarette."

Grateful to have some sort of use, Eren jumped up and offered Levi his hands. The raven took both of them and used them as leverage to move to his feet. The movement, unsurprisingly, caused the walls to spin out of place, though with his so recent trance-like state, he was unable to steady himself. He stumbled and ended up leaning mostly on the taller teen standing in front of him, clinging desperately for support.

"Shit," he grumbled. "Sorry."

"Maybe you should just rest..." Eren suggested softly.

"Cigarette first," the raven insisted, his eyes searching the top of the dresser for the items.

"You can barely stand up, Levi."

"Don't be a brat." Levi worked on shifting his weight to his own two feet and let go of Eren. "I'm fine." With that, he reached over and swiped his pack of cigarettes and the lighter from the dresser. Eren only watched as he squeezed around him, stumbling a little as he disappeared out of the bedroom door.

Once Levi finished his cigarette, Eren managed to talk him into eating a piece of toast without much argument. He elected not to ask about the drawing for fear he would upset him all over again.

"I don't know why you try, Eren," he mumbled in the midst of nibbling on the piece of toast. "I'm just going to end up puking this up in an hour."

Attempting to ignore the surprise that bubbled up in his chest at the sound of his name in the raven's voice, Eren replied, "You can't just not eat."

To that, Levi didn't respond, but took another bite to chew slowly on, staring blankly at the kitchen counter in front of him.

Eren remained several feet away, arms crossed over his chest. After sleeping, he felt much better physically, though emotionally he was all over the place. He wondered about the drawing and why it affected Levi so much. He wondered why sometimes Levi seemed alright whereas the next moment he would be coughing so hard he could barely breathe or throwing up.

"Staring again, I see," Levi rasped before taking a sip of water, eyes flickering up to meet Eren's.

"Sorry. You just...um...you look cold," Eren said quickly as an excuse.

"A little," Levi admitted.

"Here..." Swiftly, Eren moved to the living room and retrieved the blanket off of the larger of the two couches, which he gingerly draped over Levi's bony shoulders, careful not to touch him directly.

"Thanks," he sighed almost glumly.

"What's wrong?"

"Hn, other than the obvious thing? I'm practically fucking helpless."

Eren bit his tongue to stop his immediate response, telling Levi it wasn't true. If he allowed himself to say that, however, he knew he'd be lying, and that wouldn't help his cause in the slightest.

He decided to change the subject instead, wandering over to the fridge and peeking inside. "We...should go grocery shopping tomorrow," he said.

"Tch. Leave this apartment in the state I'm in, looking like shit? No thanks."

"Would you rather have no food?" the brunet countered.

"You can go. I'll stay here."

"I...don't think that's a good idea."

Levi's eyes slid closed. "I was afraid you'd say that."

A while later, Eren had talked Levi into at least attempting to get some rest. It was apparent in simply the way he moved that he was exhausted. The teen wasn't surprised; it was a no brainer than withdrawals would take a lot out of a person, especially of Levi's size and condition.

The raven didn't have half the strength to shuffle back to his room and settled for the couch despite Eren's offers to carry him. Secretly, he wouldn't have minded momentarily curling up in those warm, strong arms, but already felt helpless enough and refused the offer.

Using what felt like the absolute last of his physical energy, he dragged his feet to the couch and all but collapsed, wrapping himself in the blanket over his shoulders before curling up inside of it. He spared just enough energy to reach out and push a button on the remote sitting on the table to turn the TV on. It was tuned to a channel showing some crime series he let drift out as background noise as he shut his eyes and let himself find unconsciousness. The last thing he was aware of was the weight of another blanket being laid over him and a whisper of the words "sleep well."


	20. *~Chapter Nineteen~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idek.

As soon as he was sure Levi was asleep, the teen quietly padded over to the opposite couch and took a seat. He could easily watch as Levi's fragile body relaxed; it almost appeared as though it were caving in on itself. Still, beneath the blankets, his shoulders and ribs expanded and contracted with each breath he took, still serving as the brunet's only reassurance.

Eren took this as an opportunity to finally respond to Armin.

|Hey, Armin. Sorry for being MIA. A lot has happened in the past 36 hours. Thanks for the luck, though. I think I'm gonna need it.|

He tapped send and replaced his phone on the coffee table before leaning over and rubbing his face with both hands. He didn't expect Armin to reply right away; the blond almost always had plans Saturday night, whether it was with friends or family or simply studying. He just figured replying late was better than never replying at all, even if Armin wasn't around to see it right away.

To his surprise, however, his phone vibrated in indication of a text message merely minutes later. Upon picking it up, he found it to be from his blond best friend.

|No worries. Need to talk?|

Eren's immediate response was yes, he truly did need someone to talk to, to get advice from. In truth he didn't really know what he was doing; he'd artlessly been following either his instincts or making decisions he thought were best, yet at the same time it didn't seem enough. Talking to someone he trusted like Armin could serve to be useful, but that would mean explaining the entirety of the situation to him and he wasn't sure if that was something he should do.

Levi hadn't even told his own sister, his own family. What right did Eren have telling a secret to a person Levi had never met, especially unbeknownst to him?

He found his lip trapped between his teeth and his thumbs doing an awkward dance over the screen of his phone that had since gone black during his contemplation. He glanced at Levi - who hadn't changed a bit in the last five minutes - and then back at his phone.

Deciding he was desperate enough to need some sort of advice, he retrieved his headphones from his bag in the corner, unlocked his phone again, and tapped the phone icon to call Armin. As it started ringing, he stood and wandered outside as not to wake Levi.

Soundlessly shutting the door behind him and stepping into the frigid air, Armin's familiar voice sounded from the speaker in a cool tone.

"Hello, Eren."

"Hey, Armin."

"How are you?"

Drawing in a deep breath, the brunet slid down the wall and sat. "I'm...overwhelmed," he replied honestly.

"Sounds like it. What's up?"

To keep warmer from the slight breeze blowing snow into the stairwell, Eren pulled his knees up and rested his chin on one of them.

"It's a long, complicated story."

"I think I can keep up."

Eren began tracing nervous, invisible circles on the concrete floor. "Well, what did my mom tell you?"

"Not much. She said you had something really important to take care of and she thanked me."

"Well she wasn't wrong to do that," he replied with a small smile.

"Why?" asked Armin.

"I, um..." Eren gulped, nervous butterflies erupting in his stomach. "I talked to Levi last night," he began. "You were right about that whole thing, not surprisingly."

"And?" prompted the blond, his voice slightly higher pitched. Eren could just imagine the smirk on his youthful face and squeezed his eyes shut.

"And it looks like I'm gonna be staying with him...for...a while."

Armin was silent for a long second. When he spoke, he stammered, "Wh-what? Already?"

"It's not like that, Armin. Just...just listen, okay? Levi is...he's not well. In fact I...I think he's dying." Eren's voice cracked. "I'm staying with him to help him get better and-" He was cut off by the click of a doorknob and then the door to the apartment across from Levi's marked with the number 35 was opening. A plump, almost too friendly looking elderly man stepped out of it. Under the dim lightbulb, Eren made out his features momentarily masked by puzzlement before they softened and he cast Eren a smile. Forcefully, Eren returned that smile and watched as he descended the stairs.

"Eren?" Armin piped up from the other line.

"Sorry. Hang on." He waited for the man to disappear from sight before he spoke again. "Anyway, um...I'm gonna help him get better as best I can, I just...don't know how to do that yet."

"If he's dying, Eren, you need to take him to a hospital." Armin's voice softened considerably. This time Eren imagined his blond brows pulling together in concern and his finger twirling a strand of his hair as he sat at his desk or on his bed or something.

"I know. I wish I could. It's just a lot more complicated than some random sickness or whatever. What's happening to Levi is...is...self-inflicted." Eren was struggling to get the words out and he could feel tears beginning to sting the corners of his eyes that remained shut. He fought hard to hold them back.

"You did say he had issues like your dad..." Armin recalled in a whisper.

"He's worse than my dad was, Armin. Far worse. My dad's was in moderation and he knew better how to be careful. Levi doesn't really have any boundaries, or if he does they're faint or fading."

"What drug?" Armin whispered almost inaudibly.

"H-heroin," Eren stammered just as quietly.

A long silence followed. Eren could feel himself trembling. At the mention of the word, his mind made up fantasies of Levi's state - how all of his bones must be visible through his skin, his muscles deteriorating, marks of discoloration on his arms where he injected, the scars he inflicted purposely upon himself, particularly his forearms...

And that said nothing for his mental state. Outwardly, he seemed alright, but Eren knew how it was to pretend on the surface whereas on the inside you're fighting a losing war. Drugs were another story, he was sure, completely unbeknownst to him. He couldn't imagine the kind of war Levi was battling, fighting the demons that were no doubt darker and stronger than Eren's own.

"I'm sure you heard this from your mother, Eren, but you need to be careful," Armin was saying.

"I know. It's a huge risk. But I..." Eren attempted a deep, cleansing breath, but the result was an ache in his chest from the cold air. "I can't leave him, Armin. I can't let him d...wither away. I would hate myself forever."

"You love him, don't you?" murmured Armin. Again, Eren imagined the small knowing smile on his face.

The brunet refrained from answering right away. Of course he was sure of the answer, but was still unsure of the possibilities lying within that answer. His mind inhabited a mess of unsure thoughts and unmade decisions, all tangled up in each other. It reminded him of Mikasa's hair when it was so long it reached her butt and that time she played in the dirt, getting it tangled up in a huge rat's nest. He remembered how hard she cried as Carla worked for three hours to get it out.

"I'll take your silence as a yes," Armin said.

"I'm surprised you even had to ask the question since you know me so well," Eren half joked. "But I feel like an idiot."

"How come?"

"What kind of person falls for a freaking junkie?" he muttered. "Especially someone who's been using for eight years..."

"I think we can both agree that love is weird. Does he know?"

"Yeah," Eren sighed.

"And?"

"I honestly have no flying clue."

"But he's letting you help him."

"By some miracle, yes. Not that I have the slightest idea how to help him."

"Have you tried suggesting taking him to a rehabilitation center?"

"That was the first thing I recommended. Guess he doesn't have health insurance, but I think the bigger reason is that he's scared."

"Understandable. But if you want my advice..."

"I do, Armin. I'm desperate as hell," Eren mumbled into his knees. Armin was the only person in the world he would admit something like that to, aside from maybe his mother.

"Okay. In my opinion, from what little information I've got, I'm not sure how possible it'll be for him to get better on his own, even with your help. Granted, I don't know him, but I think his best bet is rehab, if you can convince him to go."

Eren chewed anxiously on his cheek. "I don't know if I can. He's stubborn, and I'm not good with words..."

"You convinced him to let you help him, yes?"

"Something like that."

"You're not as bad with words as you think, Eren. Perhaps you should find the reason he's willing to recover and use that as a reason he should get professional help."

Sighing, Eren rubbed his forehead in frustration.

"You didn't think something like this was going to be easy, did you?"

"No, of course not. But that doesn't make it any less stressful."

"I understand."

"I just...it's not like I can hide his stash or anything, y'know?"

Armin took a minute before replying. Eren could practically hear the gears turning in that brilliant brain of his, analyzing his words and using them to find a solution. That was the thing Armin had always been exceptional at, even when they were very young.

"Do you know where it is?" he asked finally.

Eren sat up a little straighter, heart picking up the pace in fear of what his best friend was about to suggest.

"I think so," he admitted, eyes flitting around the stairwell. "You're not saying-"

"No, nothing like that. I just think that perhaps if you knew for sure where it is, it might snap some things into perspective for him. That is, if he knew you know where it is."

"Do you really think that could work?"

"I'm not sure, but I don't think it could hurt. It's solely up to you."

A million possibilities flew through Eren's mind at blinding speed. Levi could kick him out and end up gone within a week, he could perhaps change where he kept it, or a number of other things. Though at the same time, Armin could truly be right, something he had a tendency to do.

"I think it's under the bathroom sink," he said quietly. "B-but...I should make sure before I do anything, I think. Right?"

"That's your call, Eren. I am merely here for moral support."

Eren snorted. "Thanks, Armin," he mumbled. With that, he pulled himself to his feet. Due to the cold, his body was beginning to shiver and his fingers were going numb. "He's asleep right now...so I'm gonna go check. Don't hang up."

"No problem."

Nervously, Eren turned and pushed the door open as quietly as possible. Taking one last breath of frigid air, he stepped back into the warmth of the apartment and soundlessly shut the door in his wake. Levi remained asleep, unchanged, and the TV was showing some commercial for a product the teen paid no mind to. He reached over and flipped the switch over Levi's head to the off position, leaving the only light in the entire apartment coming from the television itself. He refrained from saying anything to Armin; he still didn't really know how heavy Levi slept and there was no way he was about to risk waking him up in a situation like this.

After locking the door, he proceeded forward down the dark hallway, carefully padding his way along the carpet and dragging the tips of his fingers against the wall to help guide his way. Through his headphones, he could hear Armin opening a package of food and the creaking of his bed as he shifted his weight.

Once Eren reached the bathroom, he switched the light on and stared inside.

"Take a deep breath, Eren," murmured the blond on the line. It was uncanny how both he and Eren's mother always seemed to be able to sense when he was distressed, even over something as simple as a phone call. Over the years he'd learned to take their advice due to bad experiences when he hadn't when he was younger.

"Right..."

Sparing one last glance back down the hall to make sure Levi was still sound asleep, Eren entered the bathroom and shut the door.

Levi's syringe remained where he'd last set it on the counter. That alone gave him an uneasy feeling, but he pushed it aside as he sunk down into the floor in front of the cabinets beneath the sink.

"Should I be this nervous?" he grumbled mainly to himself.

"With your anxiety, yes," responded Armin rationally. "You know you don't have to do this."

Immediately, Eren responded, "Yes, I do. He has to get better and if this will help, I have to do it."

"I trust your judgment, Eren. I just hope you do, too."

To that Eren didn't reply. Shakily, he reached out with his still-clammy hand and hooked his finger around the knob of the cabinet.

"Armin...talk to me. Just...talk about anything, I don't care. Just keep talking. Please."

Around what sounded like a mouth full of food, the blond did as requested. He started recapping the latest episode of a television series he, Jean, and Marco had gotten into. It was one Eren didn't care for, though his friends were borderline obsessed with it. At the time, he couldn't even recall the name of it. He was just grateful to hear the sound of Armin's voice as he worked up to opening the cabinet.

And suddenly it was wide open. He didn't remember opening it, much less making the decision to open both sides as far as they could go.

At first his brain didn't fully register what his eyes were seeing. It all looked like some strange science experiment to him, one that had gone completely wrong.

One by one, each item registered. Armin's bantering about his show never so much as faltered.

Spoons. There were several spoons that were charred and cloudy, having lost their shiny silver luster long ago.

Candles. Unscented and plain white. Melted wax nearly covered the bottom surface of the cabinet, crusted over by what Eren could only imagine to be dried blood.

A box of tissues. A lighter. An empty box that once contained needles. A small plastic baggie about half full of white-ish powder.

That was it. Simple enough. The only syringe was the one on the sink. It seemed so very simple, much too easy. Eren himself could probably Google how to use the stuff and shoot up himself, right then and there. Not that he was going to do that.

Though in his mind, it was too simple. These small, everyday items excluding that powder itself was the very reason for Levi's damnation. These things were the reason he weighed next to nothing, threw up everything he ate, and slept very little. They were why he'd lost so many opportunities in his life and had so many relationships ruined, ones Eren had no idea about. They were why his mental state was so distorted, why he believed he was worthless, unworthy, undeserving of anything good at all in his life. Eren knew these things because he'd seen it all in those somber gray eyes. They were merely flashes; Levi's poker face was very practiced and perfected, but Eren never missed when he slipped up on the rare occasion.

Levi was fighting a losing battle all because of spoons, candles, needless, tissues, and a lighter. Simple, so simple. Eren never thought he could detest something so much, but this was it. He absolutely hated that it was so easy for someone, especially someone like Levi, to spiral down into an abyss of depression and agony from Such. Simple. Things.

"Eren? Are you there?" Armin was saying in a worried tone.

"H-holy shit, Armin," mumbled the brunet, eyes wide and unblinking.

"Did you find it?"

"Uh huh..."

"What's the matter?"

"It's just...hard to believe things so simple like this are the reason Levi is..." He couldn't bring himself to finish. He couldn't say the word 'dying' again.

"Remember that he was the one who made the decision, Eren," Armin said. "He didn't have to go down this path, but he did."

"There's...a lot more to it than that, Armin."

"Even so..."

"I know," whispered Eren, simultaneously shutting his eyes and letting the tears that had welled up there spill down his cheeks.

"What are you planning to do now?"

"I-I don't know." Without reopening his eyes and exposing himself once more to the horrible truth that was the cabinet below that bathroom sink, Eren shut it and scooted toward the door, pressed his back to it, and let his face fall into his hands. Moisture from his eyes filled his palms and pooled there before condensing and finding its way between his fingers.

"If you really care for him, Eren, you'll be there for him, even after seeing what you just saw. I can't imagine what it must be like. But if your resolve is final, you won't give up. And I know you, stubborn as a bull. You'll do whatever it takes to help the people you love." The smile was evident in Armin's voice. "You've done it for so many people countless times, and I can't see why this would be any different, except perhaps this time you'll be even more determined and eager than any time in the past."

"B-but..." Eren blubbered, hating the thickness of his voice from crying. "What if I fail, Armin? What if I do something wrong or say something wrong or just flat out screw up? What if I end up being the reason-"

"Don't let your demons put those ideas in your head," the blond interrupted. "You're stronger than they are. You'll find a way no matter what it takes."

Eren let those words sink in. He knew Armin was right - knew it down to his very bones. He'd never given up on his mother or Mikasa when things were rough for them. He hadn't given up on Armin when he was bullied a lot when they were younger. In fact, he'd gotten himself in trouble more times than he could probably remember protecting and defending his sky blue-eyed best friend.

The only reason this situation should be any different was because he loved Levi in a way he'd never experienced before, cared for the raven and had strong inner ambitions to see life return to his eyes, to see him healthy. At that point, this ambition took over everything else. He wanted to put a smile on Levi's face - a genuine one, not a sarcastic one, or one that ended in more of a grimace.

"You're...you're right, Armin. I guess I'm just scared, y'know?" The brunet swallowed hard and dragged his arm across his face to catch what he felt were the last of his tears.

"Anyone would be, Eren. But you're not alone. If you need anything, you know I'm always here."

Eren forced a laugh. "Don't go getting all cheesy on me," he joked. He could practically hear the roll of Armin's eyes. "But thank you. Really."

"Of course. Are you alright now?"

"Yeah, I think so." Out of nowhere, a thought occurred to Eren. "But uh, are you busy tomorrow?"

"Other than studying, I'm completely free."

"Would you mind, um, helping me pick up a car? I think Levi will kick my ass if I don't get it soon." Amusement bubbled in his chest at trying to picture a weak Levi attempting to get his bony hands on Eren to 'kick his ass', but was immediately replaced by a kind of remorse.

"Just tell me the plan and the time," replied Armin smoothly.

"I don't really have a plan," admitted Eren a bit ruefully. "I just thought of it, actually."

"Then let me know as soon as you figure it out. Anyway, Eren, I've gotta go. I have a needy cat to take care of."

Eren found himself grinning lightly, imagining Armin's Siamese pawing at his face, begging to be played with or fed. "Alright, Armin. Thanks...for everything."

"No problem, Eren. I'll talk to you soon."

"Yup. Later."

"Bye."

With that, Eren slid his phone from his pocket and tapped the red 'end call' icon before pulling his headphones out. He sat there for a while, head leaning back against the door, staring blankly at the ceiling. He could faintly hear the television through the door until the heater kicked on. Eventually, after spending several minutes thinking about how damn lucky he was, his phone started beeping at him, notifying him of a low battery. His butt was beginning to go numb, as well, so he pulled himself to his feet and exited the bathroom, almost immediately feeling the relief of being away from the contents of that cupboard.

Once back in the living room, he plugged his phone in and carelessly tossed it on the couch. Since his emotions had calmed down, he'd become aware of the emptiness in his stomach and wandered to the kitchen, hoping to find something to scrounge, though with no luck. Sighing, he shuffled back to the living room and was prepared to lay across the couch opposite Levi and watch TV, but was stopped short by a strange noise coming from his left. He turned to find Levi curled up tightly in his nest of blankets. His trembling had picked back up but his eyes remained shut - squeezed shut, in fact. The noise reaching Eren's sensitive ears were the small whimpers escaping his slightly parted, thin lips.

Frowning, Eren approached and sunk down on the floor in front of him. He was clearly still asleep but appeared to be having a nightmare.

The overwhelming urge to reach out and smooth the creases in Levi's forehead hit Eren like a truck, and before he knew it, his fingers were extended forward. As soon as they made contact with Levi's surprisingly soft skin, a warm, tingly sensation crawled up his arm. His heart pounded like never before as he held his breath, lip trapped between his teeth. Gently, he smoothed the pad of his thumb over the crease between the raven's brows. Dark lashes fluttered open almost simultaneously to reveal sleepy, bloodshot gray orbs. Eren withdrew his hand swiftly.

"Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up," he murmured.

Levi's steely eyes fell upon Eren's face. He still shook, though all distress in his features had vanished.

"Shitty brat," he mumbled. Eren opened his mouth to apologize again, but was stopped by Levi's own hand emerging from beneath the blankets and reaching toward the teen's reddening face. At the moment his fingertips - warm, for once - made contact with the plush skin of Eren's cheek just beneath his eye, warmth radiated throughout his entire body, causing an involuntary gasp to draw in between his lips and his eyes to widen considerably. "What were you crying for?" Levi continued, brows knitting together once more.

Blush darkening, eyes widening further, Eren gulped. "N-nothing," he stammered.

"It wasn't because of me, was it?"

Eren had no way to answer that, so he remained staring, surprised Levi could so easily tell he'd been crying.

"Such a waste," sighed Levi.

"I'm...I'm fine," Eren mumbled, a bit disoriented from surprise. "Go back to sleep."

Withdrawing his hand back into the warmth of the blankets, Levi mumbled a half-hearted, "Tch, don't have to tell me twice..."

The raven's eyes slid shut once more and he seemed to fall asleep almost immediately. Eren crawled back to the other couch and curled up on it himself, finding his brain to be having trouble processing what had just happened. That was a side of the raven-haired tattoo artist he'd never witnessed before - outwardly showing his concern like that. Part of the brunet wanted to excuse it as sleepiness or effects of his withdrawals, but another, bigger part wanted it to be a legitimate thing that came from Levi himself, no excuses.

A memory resurfaced. It was Levi, speaking to him in the underneath the light of the streetlight in the corner of Eren's front yard.

 _"You're different. You...fascinated me. Made me_ feel."

And another one, in the shop a month later.

_"How the hell do you do this to me?"_

_"Do what to you?"_

_"Get under my skin and make me_ feel _things I'm not supposed to feel."_

There were several more he remembered, cases where Levi had, in his own way, admitted his own feelings to the teenager.

And suddenly Eren knew that somewhere, buried and hidden under layers of addiction and withdrawal, at least part of his feelings were requited. This left his head spinning and his heart racing. He could still faintly feel Levi's gentle fingers on his cheek, the heat that radiated from the touch still evident in every one of his nerve endings.

Whispering to himself, he uttered two words:

"Holy shit."

_*~Attempted Recovery Journal Entry #1~*_

_This is the absolute hardest, most agonizing thing I have ever had the misfortune to experience. Everything hurts in every way and I'm so weak I can barely stand up on my own. It's pitiful, ugly, disgusting, horrid. I feel like death herself is looming over me, ready for the moment my feeble body can no longer take this torture to pounce. I feel it could happen at any second._

_Yet here I remain, clinging to life by a hangnail, for one reason that remains here despite what he's seen and learned, despite the horrid truth that is my life, despite breathing in death just by being in the same room as me._

_My god, he is such a fool, and I know I'll do something I regret, something to hurt his already wounded and scarred soul. I have already hurt him and the longer this goes on, the higher the probability I'll wreck him beyond repair. If knows what was good for him, he should leave. Get far away from here. Find something that's healthy for him. He deserves this hell even less than I deserve his kindness...his everlasting kindness and the light he brings that someday in the much too near future will end up snuffed out by my own everlasting darkness._

_Sober thoughts help me realize more and more how much of a monster I am as opposed to the venom from the syringe. Hurting Eren will make me the worst kind of monster there can be, and there is never ever any going back from that point on._

_This is utterly all my fault._

_Still...I've never been so afraid to be alone. Not when my mother died, not when I lost them, not even when Alex left for Reiner. And perhaps I'm not so afraid to be alone as I am of losing the brat. His presence has brought me something frightening, but god he's more addicting than the monster and nicotine combined. His aura is calming, free-spirited, so absolutely human...and the longer he stays, the more I feel myself becoming hopelessly attached..._

_Hell, what a selfish bastard I am. The least I could do is spare him as much pain as humanly possible for me while he lingers. I know I already owe him so much more than that, but I have to do_ something...


	21. *~Chapter Twenty~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a day late is because life is a shitstorm right now and my days somehow got messed up and yeah. whoops!

Eren awoke to the faint aroma of mint and cigarette smoke, a much brighter environment, and what felt like an infinite amount of warmth before he even knew he'd fallen asleep. He felt completely comfortable and secure - almost as if he was at home in his own bed - and had next to no desire to sit up or even open his eyes. The foreign smell of a cigarette was what snapped his mind into perspective and had him sitting up and becoming aware of a blanket that had been placed over him.

Immediately he knew he'd gotten too much sleep, for his head felt heavy and pounded in time with the thumping of his heart. Though he knew where he was, he remained a bit disoriented and slightly irritable. His eyes were scratchy, as well, though he figured that just had to do with crying so soon before falling asleep.

"Morning, brat," came a scratchy voice from across the room.

In the midst of running a hand through his hair, the brunet gyrated to see Levi seated in his normal spot on the opposite couch. He was cocooned in a blanket with his sketchbook in his lap and a pencil poised between his shaky fingers. He appeared even worse than the previous night - eyes still bloodshot and the circles surrounding them seemingly darker, even after sleep.

"Hey," mumbled the teen, still trying to find his way back to full consciousness. "How you feelin'?"

"Like the epitome of hell," responded Levi casually. "You?"

"I'm okay. How did you sleep?"

Levi merely shook his head. Eren didn't need a verbal response; he looked more tired than he had before going to sleep last night. Harsh tremors rocketed down his already quivering body more frequently than usual, and despite being wrapped in a blanket, he still looked like he was freezing. His eyes were blank, as well...washed out and almost lifeless.

Carefully, Eren stood up and, taking the blanket with him, moved to Levi's side to wrap it around him as best he could without asking the man to move.

"Hungry?" he asked.

"Guess I should be after puking up that piece of toast, but no," he mumbled.

"Is...is there anything I can do, then?"

"No. Just take a few minutes for yourself, Eren. Shower. Find something to eat. I don't care. I told you I don't want you to end up unhealthy, too."

"Alright..." Eren figured he couldn't really argue with that. He was in pretty desperate need of a shower and his foggy headache could be due to lack of food as well as oversleeping. "But we still have go to grocery shopping."

Levi huffed as he doodled little circles on the side of the page in his sketchbook. Eren didn't wait for more of a response before he stood, grabbed his bag, and headed down the hall to shower.

Once showered, having changed clothes and brushed his teeth - hastily, due to being hyper aware of the contents below the sink - Eren rejoined Levi in the living room to see he'd curled up right where he sat, further concealing himself in the blanket. In fact, all that was visible was part of his arm wrapped around his knee and a clump of his unruly hair. Eren's heart squeezed painfully at the sight. He desperately wished he knew better how to help, what more to do to make this any less agonizing for him.

An involuntary frown plastered into his features, he silently padded into the kitchen and retrieved a glass of water.

"Here," he murmured, holding it out to the man.

Slowly Levi lifted his head. There was no mistaking the moisture on his cheeks. Mumbling a thanks, he reached out and took the glass with both hands and sipped at it, keeping his eyes away from the concerned teen. Frown deepening, Eren sunk to the floor.

"What's up?" he asked.

"Everything," answered the raven with a sigh.

"Pain?"

A nod.

"Maybe we should just stay here for another day..."

"No. You need to eat."

"But if you're not feeling well..."

"And who's to say I'll feel any better tomorrow? Let's just go."

Taking one more sip of the water, Levi untangled his limbs from the blanket and, with a harsh tremor, attempted to push himself to his feet. Immediately, Eren jumped up and offered a hand, which the artist reluctantly took and used to pull himself up. He staggered a bit, a small groan escaping his throat as he caught his balance.

"Stop looking at me like that, brat," he muttered.

"Like what?" asked the teen innocently.

"With so much pity. It's sickening."

With that, he released Eren's hand - admittedly with reluctance; it was warm and soft and seemed the only thing capable of maintaining his sanity - and disappeared down the hall.

Meanwhile, Eren shuffled in his bag for his wallet and better organized his things before pulling his shoes on. While he waited, he proceeded to call Armin. It took less than five minutes to make the plan to get Levi's car.

By the time he was finished, Levi had reappeared, hair combed and covered with a gray beanie. He'd changed clothes, as well, and even the black skinny jeans he wore seemed a little too baggy for him; the hoodie engulfed him.

Levi passed the observant teen and slipped his shoes on before grabbing his wallet and keys from the hook. He twisted the lock and pulled the door open, fighting a coughing fit, and turned with a cocked brow.

"You comin', brat?"

Eren merely nodded and followed him out. Fortunately, it had stopped snowing and the sun was even starting to peek out from behind the clouds. Of course, that only served to make the environment brighter as the extra light glinted off of the snow, something there was a ridiculous amount of in both of their opinions.

After starting and cleaning his car off, Eren slid into the driver's seat next to Levi and made the announcement that they were going to get his car as well. Levi had just opened his mouth to respond when he could no longer fight his coughing spell. He leaned forward so far he appeared crumpled in on himself with his face buried in his arms to muffle the sound. Eren had no idea what to do but wait until it was over. When it was, Levi's muscles seemed to spasm and tense throughout his entire body.

"Shit," he muttered, shaking himself and sitting back up.

"That sounds like it hurts a lot," Eren said quietly.

"You have no idea," rasped the raven. "So how do you plan to get my car?"

Eren explained the plan as he maneuvered his way out of the parking lot and toward the main roads. "Um, my friend Armin...we're gonna pick him up after shopping and he'll drive your car back here."

"So you just assumed I would let him? Tch."

"Well I promised I'd get your car, and I am. This is the only way to do it."

"Still."

"What? It's not like you can drive it."

"I know. I'm useless. You don't have to tell me," muttered Levi, turning his head to stare blankly out the window at the passing town.

Eren bit his tongue on that one. He hated to admit it, but in this situation at least, Levi was right. He could barely function on his own; there was no way Eren would even let him _attempt_ to drive a car, let alone simply put him in the driver's seat of one. In fact with the condition he was in, the teen was surprised he'd made it to that café on his own in a car. Sure, he'd definitely been high that night, but in some ways that was even worse.

Eren selected the grocery store nearest Armin's house to make things easier. Levi was silent for the rest of the ride, and without music, Eren's ears were hyper aware of his raspy breathing the entire way. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the fidgety-ness of his hands and how he kept his gaze out the window the entire way.

"Would it be better if I let you stay here?" Eren asked as he pulled into a parking space.

"Unless you want people to stare..."

"I don't think people will stare," reasoned the brunet.

Levi turned and fixed his gaze directly on Eren's. "Please, Eren. Have you seen my face?"

Another remark Eren had no good response to. That was something Levi seemed to be good at.

"I'll just go, then..."

Eren left his keys twisted backwards in the ignition to keep the heat on and opened his door.

"Hold up," Levi said. Eren looked over to find him shuffling through his wallet. He pulled out several bills and held them out to the teen, saying, "Don't argue. It's my house, I should pay for the food. Just take it, as long as you get tea."

Humoring him, Eren took the bills - what seemed to be three or four twenties - and nodded. He figured he should probably use them; he didn't have all that much saved up yet, but still considered hiding them somewhere for Levi to find later, be it in his apartment or giving them to Armin to stash in his car somewhere.

"Thanks," he said. "I'll be right back."

Eren hurried in the grocery store, picking up the necessities - milk, bread, eggs, etc. - while tossing random things into the cart on the way between each, such as tea and chips. He grabbed a case of water bottles, as well, figuring they'd need it with how much Levi coughed. In the end he decided to use only one of the twenties Levi'd given him; there turned out to be four and no way was he letting Levi pay for everything if he'd be eating it, too. When he got back to the car, he tossed everything easily in the trunk before sliding back into the driver's seat. The raven remained the same, though he'd turned the radio up for background noise.

"Here," said Eren, holding out a water bottle he yanked from the case. "It's not cold or anything, but I figured..."

Before he finished, Levi took it and mumbled a thanks. Eren spared one more minute to let Armin know they'd be there soon.

"You just love triggering my anxiety, don't you?" muttered Levi after a swig of water.

"What do you mean?"

"Meeting your family. Asking to talk in a public place. And now meeting your friend..." He shook his head. "I'm not good with people, and because of my...appearance...it's even worse." Levi's voice was quiet as he stared out the windshield. His thin fingers fiddled with the cap of his water bottle.

"Armin's not scary, I promise," Eren said, attempting to hide his smirk but failing. "Well, his intelligence is scary, but his personality isn't."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Eren felt his smile fade. "Well, I mean, he's not gonna judge you..."

"That's not what I care about."

"Then what is it?"

Levi shifted in obvious discomfort. He took a second to answer. When he did, he seemed unsure, as if he wasn't certain the words he was using were the right ones.

"I've never been good at human interaction. Talking to people...making f-friends...none of that was ever my thing."

Eren's brows furrowed in mild confusion. "But you're able to talk to me. You were almost right off the bat."

Stalling, the raven took another swig of his water. He twisted the cap between his thumb and index finger, eyes now dropped to stare at his feet.

"That was one of the many things my monster helped me with," he murmured so quietly it was almost unintelligible. "Not just you, but everyone."

 _My monster_. Eren could only assume what he was referring to when he said that, and it wasn't the first time he'd spoken of it that way. The teen resisted the urge to reach out and take the man's hand.

"I don't think you give yourself enough credit," he said.

"Please. You've barely seen me interact with anyone that isn't you while I'm...s-sober," he stammered. "You're just...easier, I guess."

"Easier? You mean like, different?" Eren's brows raised, again remembering the times Levi had told him that.

"Yes. You've always been different. I don't know why nor do I know how, but it terrifies me."

"I'm...not sure if I should take that as a compliment," said the teen as he restarted the car and proceeded to back out of the parking space.

"In a way it's a good thing, no? I mean, you're here...and I'm not dead."

Those words surprised Eren so much he stepped too quickly on the brakes in the middle of a row of cars to turn, startling Levi and causing him to jerk forward, caught by nothing but the seatbelt across his thin chest. The sudden pressure on his frail body made him wince.

"What was that for, Jaeger?" he muttered, rubbing his chest where the seatbelt had dug in.

"Sorry, I just didn't expect you to say that..."

Eren continued on en route to Armin's house which was just a few short blocks away.

"Neither did I," Levi was saying quietly. He then let out a sarcastic snort. "Though it reminds me of something."

"Of what?"

"A song. Particularly one you put on that CD. And a specific lyric that caught my attention."

"Oh?" Eren's heart picked up speed; he hadn't known Levi had listened to the CD. He must've been asleep when he had.

"It's been stuck in my head for hours." Just as he pulled the car in front of Armin's house, Levi finally placed his gaze on the teen. _"'Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile, you're my crack of sunlight.'"_

At that moment, Eren swore his heart stopped for at least five seconds. The artist watched as his bright, almost emerald-appearing eyes widened so much they probably would've popped right out of his head.

The teen didn't know how to react. Hearing Levi utter those words the way he had seemed to touch some part of him he hadn't even known existed until that moment. He didn't have the slightest clue how to respond, nor did he have the time to because he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. He glanced over to see Armin bounding down the sidewalk from his front door. The blond gracefully pulled the door open, slid into the seat, and shut the door all in one easy movement.

Brain still reeling from Levi's words, Eren fumbled for words.

"H-hey, Armin," he stammered. "This is Levi. Levi...Armin."

Levi did nothing more but turn and nod once at the blue-eyed teenager in the backseat. Armin, on the other hand, cast him a friendly smile and uttered a soft hello.

Eren didn't miss the surprise on his face manifested from laying eyes on the raven, subtle and suppressed as it was. Having known Armin all his life, he was able to pick up little things like that. They both could. They knew each other almost as well as they knew themselves.

Without another word, Eren took off. The awkwardness hung heavy between the three of them, none knowing how to spark up a conversation or if he even should. Attempting to dissipate some of it, Eren turned up the radio.

Levi continued to fidget with the water bottle. He'd sunk down in the seat a little and kept his gaze fixed on the passing of the world outside. He couldn't help but feel he was the sole reason for the discomfort in the air. If he hadn't been there, he was sure the other two would be totally fine. They would be talking as they likely normally did, no worries. But he was there, so they weren't. He bit his tongue, trying to force away the guilt. The only alternative he had was to focus on the borderline agony throughout his entire body - aching bones and muscles, burning lungs, pounding head, uncontrollable shakiness. This had him biting his tongue harder and squeezing his eyes shut. He had to suppress it. He refused to let show how much pain he was really in.

"The weather finally seems to be warming up," Armin piped up from the back seat.

An amused snort escaping his nose, Eren glanced at the blond in the rearview mirror. "Really, Armin? You're gonna talk about the weather?"

Armin shrugged. "I know I'm not the only one feeling suffocatingly awkward, here," he responded with a half-smirk.

Eren had just opened his mouth to respond when a crackling noise met his ears and stopped him. He glanced over to see Levi's hands had all but crushed the water bottle. His fingers were tense around the frail plastic, trembling mercilessly. His features were twisted up into a full-on grimace.

"Levi? What's wrong?" asked the brunet.

The raven shook his head once, very slightly.

"Do you need me to pull over?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Eren glanced once more in the rearview mirror to meet Armin's eyes. The blond was frowning, more so in confusion than anything else.

The remainder of the ride back to the café next to the shop was silent aside from the radio, seemingly playing endless commercials. Levi had since relaxed, but that did nothing to ease the worry in Eren's chest. He even managed to turn and hand Armin his keys, careful not to make skin on skin contact.

"Um...thanks for doing this," he mumbled to the blond.

In natural Armin fashion, he cast another smile and said, "Sure thing." He pressed the unlock button on the remote and looked for flashing lights to find which car it was. With a, "see you in a few," he slinked back out of Eren's car. The two watched as he crossed the parking lot to the dark gray car in the corner, typically dusted with snow.

"Jesus Christ," muttered Levi running his hand through his hair and pulling his beanie off in the process. "I told you I'm terrible with people."

"Don't worry about it so much," Eren said softly. "Armin doesn't mind."

"How can I know that for sure?"

"You'll just have to take my word for it."

Levi sighed simultaneously with a shudder taking over his body. Immediately, he wrapped his arms around himself.

"Cold?"

"No," he lied.

"Looks like he's ready."

Eren shifted the vehicle back in motion and made his way out of the parking lot, glancing over at the tattoo shop on the way. Of course, it was locked up and no one was inside; it was closed on Sundays. It just added to his list of stressful things in life at the moment. He would have to talk to Reiner sooner than later about the situation. He was sure Alex had already told him about it, but that excused him from nothing. He was already having trouble deciding on what he wanted to do about school; work was just another thing to add to the pile.

Was he really ready to throw away everything to help Levi? It was a scary thought. He'd gotten his job to help his family, to help his mother. What were they supposed to do without that income? They'd managed alright before he got the job, but the money Carla inherited from Grisha's death wasn't going to last forever. And school...strange as it felt to him, he could more easily give that up than his job. He wasn't happy there, hardly had the motivation to study or attend even without his depression. Most of the time he'd only gone to see his friends; it was really the only way he kept in touch with any of them, with the exception of Armin.

But was he really throwing it away, or rather sacrificing it for a good cause? Something told him he was where he was supposed to be, doing what he was supposed to do. There was something about the addict that made him feel purposeful and almost at home...

He'd been so lost in his thoughts, when he zoned back in, they were already pulling into the parking lot of Levi's apartment complex. Armin had been right behind them the entire time and smoothly pulled into one of the two empty spaces beside them. As they waited, Levi spoke up.

"Your face is gonna get stuck like that, you know."

"What?" Eren blinked and it came to his attention that he'd been frowning deeply. He immediately relaxed.

"Tch."

At that moment, Armin slid back into the back seat and dangled Levi's keys over the seat. The raven wrapped a shaky hand around them and mumbled another thanks. As they took off once more, he fidgeted with them. Not halfway back to Armin's, however, his fidgeting slowed and his body began to relax. Eventually his head lolled to the side, held up by nothing more than the portion of the seatbelt across his lap.

"Is he asleep?" whispered Armin, peeking around the seat.

Eren glanced over, having stopped for a red light, and nodded, unaware of the involuntary smile playing on his lips.

"I see what you mean about it being really bad," said Armin, cautiously studying the raven. "I couldn't have imagined. I thought you were over exaggerating, but you really weren't."

Smile fading, Eren's foot found the accelerator again after the light switched to green. "No. Not at all. And this...this isn't near the worst of it."

"I'm sure. I know drugs are terrible, but I didn't think they could affect a person _this_ much."

"It's not even the drug itself. It's the withdrawals. They're merciless. They're taking a toll on him that might be greater than he can handle." Eren detested the way his voice shook speaking about it, but he couldn't help it. "I thought he looked kind of off when I first met him. He was already pretty skinny and all that, but that was nothing compared to this. I was shocked when I saw him again after a month."

"So this has been going on all this time?"

"Yeah. He said after he...confessed to me what's up with him, he started trying to get better. I guess he fell into this pattern and that's how he ended up like this."

"What was his motivation, do you know?"

Simultaneously, Eren nodded and swallowed hard.

"What is it?"

"Me."

Armin didn't appear the least bit surprised, unsettling Eren a bit. The brunet had been dumbfounded in finding out he was Levi's reason for wanting to get clean, yet the smugness in Armin's eyes suggested he expected that very thing.

"Is that the only reason?"

"A-as far as I know..."

"Hmm, then this isn't just a coincidence."

Eren's eyes flickered to the rearview mirror for a split second. "What do you mean?"

"You two. You, being depressed after what happened Christmas, and then deciding to sacrifice what you have and what you will to help him. For being his sole reason to become sober. I don't think it's all just random events. I don't think something this big can be any coincidence, especially considering the way you feel about him, and the feelings he likely shares for you as well. There's a reason you walked into that shop that day, a reason you were hired on the spot, and I don't think it was only because you needed money to help your mom.

"I'm not saying I know any of this for sure, but just observing and taking into consideration what I do know, it feels like more to me than that. What it is, I couldn't tell you. You probably know that better than I do. I can't tell the future, either, but if I were to bet, I'd bet the odds in your favor. In the end, though, it's up to you how things turn out. And not just you, but him, too." Armin's eyes were once again on the sleeping man in the passenger seat, that familiar knowing, analyzing sparkle in his sky-blue orbs.

Eren chewed thoughtfully on his lip, attempting to comprehend Armin's words. Of course he'd been right about it all before any of this had happened over a month ago despite Eren's spending that time in denial of his and his mother's words. This time he was more open to the possibilities that the blond suggested. It both excited and terrified him.

As he pulled up in front of Armin's house once more, still not having replied, he put the car in park and cast his gaze over to Levi, who remained virtually still. His entire body seemed to be filled with butterflies, his heart thumping almost excitedly behind his ribs.

"You'll figure it out," Armin continued. "Thanks for the ride." With that, he opened the door and slid out.

Remembering something, Eren quickly followed. "Hold up, Armin," he said, walking around to the trunk. Armin joined him as he opened it and shuffled among the grocery bags for what he was looking for. When he found it, he held it out to the blond whose eyes widened in delight.

"Hugs?" he asked, voice an octave higher.

Eren half-shrugged. "It's the least I could do...I mean, for..."

Taking the bag of his favorite chocolate from Eren's hand, Armin's smile widened and he nodded in knowing. "Thanks."

"No problem."

"I take it I probably won't see you at school for a while," Armin said as he backed toward the sidewalk.

Smiling ruefully, Eren shook his head. "No. Like I said, I can't really leave him if I really want him to get better, and right now that's the most important thing to me."

"I understand. I'm sure I can think of something to tell everyone else."

"You're the best, Armin."

"I know." Armin winked and turned up the walk to his front door, waving his chocolate over his head. "Keep in touch."

"Later," Eren called back before sliding back into the driver's seat. When he shut the door, he felt eyes on him and turned to find Levi had woken up and was staring at him with bloodshot eyes.

"Welcome back," he greeted in a semi-cheerful tone.

"You're skipping school for me now, too?"

"Does that surprise you?" Eren asked as he put the car back in gear and took off.

"I suppose it shouldn't. But you can't just skip out on school."

Eren set his jaw in the way he'd always done when he was being stubborn, which was often. "I've already made my choice," he responded willfully.

"But you shouldn't let me stop you from living your life." Even as he drove, the raven kept his gaze fixed on the teen's face.

"I am living my life," countered the brunet.

"Don't make that mistake, Eren. Don't drop out. I did, and I regret it."

"You dropped out of high school," countered the brunet. "I'm in college. It's different."

"A-are you seriously thinking about it?"

From the corner of his eye, Eren caught the movement of the artist leaning toward him just slightly.

"I...I haven't decided yet," he said honestly. "But it's pretty likely."

"Goddammit, Eren," Levi muttered, throwing his hands up and then wincing as his aching muscles protested the movement.

"I'm serious."

"I know. I just don't understand how you can sacrifice so much for a lost cause."

Eren shook his head. "That's not now it is in my eyes. You're not a lost cause."

"Either way, you're making too great of a sacrifice."

"I don't think so. To me, it's a sacrifice worth making. As you grow up, they always tell you to strive for what you believe in, right? Well this is me following that advice...for once in my life."

Levi was quiet for a long minute, taking in the brunet's words as he maneuvered the car back into the parking lot.

"But you're...you'd be giving up all of your opportunities. You're jeopardizing everything you've probably worked hard for just for something you're more than likely to fail at, and it won't even be your fault. You're making an idiotic decision."

Eren cut the engine and finally met the raven's gaze after parking. "Maybe so, and I guess we'll find out. But I refuse to not try."

"Eren..."

"You've told me what you've been doing the past month, but you wanna know what I've been doing?" Levi said nothing, he merely blinked and sunk backwards a bit. "Nothing. I've been doing absolutely nothing worthwhile, except maybe making some money cleaning that back room for my mom to pay the bills with. My grades are already slipping. I stopped hanging out with my friends. I already told you my depression hit hard, and that was why. Despite already caring about you, once I found out the truth, I left you alone anyway." Eren could feel his emotions building up in his stomach, and though he didn't want them to show so much in front of an already broken Levi, he knew there was no going back at that point. "I was trying to protect myself, but in the end it only made things worse for both of us. _That_ was the idiotic decision I made. Not this. Now I have a purpose because by some miracle you let me in. And I'm not going to give up, Levi." Tears were beginning to sting the corners of Eren's eyes, something he resented but couldn't help. "I'm not going to make the same mistakes my mom did when she didn't help my dad." And the tears spilled over. "I won't just sit around while you suffer...not while there's something I can do about it. I already watched it happen to both my parents, and my dad is dead because of it." He wiped his sleeve across his face, hands shaky because of emotions and lack of food, but he didn't let that or his tears stop him, though he kept his eyes covered as he uttered his next words. "Losing you would be so much worse, Levi. I know you think you're not worth it, but I do." He wanted to say more, but the tears took over and he was unable.

Levi sat in stunned silence, unblinking as he stared, dumbfounded, at the weeping person in front of him. Seeing Eren's tears for the first time was like a boa constrictor around his tattered, weak heart, squeezing tighter and tighter with each that escaped down his smooth cheeks. Again this brat was causing him to feel human emotions that had remained dormant inside of him for so long he wasn't even sure they existed anymore. He found he wanted to do something, say something to comfort Eren, to stop his tears and bring his smile back - the very one that was his reason for remaining alive for the past several weeks. Being the reason it was replaced by tears was an entirely new kind of torment to him; if he thought the depression of withdrawal was bad, he'd had another thing coming. He detested the fact he'd put Eren in more pain, and his immediate solution was to distance himself to spare him any more. But that was merely a knee-jerk reflex which was quickly being replaced as the teen's words sunk in.

"This hurts you less then, does it?" murmured the raven, demeanor much softer now.

Sleeves now damp, Eren revealed his shiny face once more. His eyes had become bloodshot and puffy, the pinkish an unfitting contrast to the turquoise of his irises. In answer, he nodded solemnly.

"I can't honestly say that makes sense to me," Levi continued. "Nor can I say I like the idea of possibly being your downfall." Despite the furrowing of Eren's brows at those words, the artist went on. "But I'll let you make your own decisions about it. I just hope you know what you're doing."

Through the wetness on his face, Eren managed to smile a bit. "Thank you," he murmured.

"Tch."

"And...sorry..." He hastily wiped his face again and tried to smooth the hair over his forehead back into place. "...for crying."

"Don't thank me, and don't apologize," muttered Levi. "I don't deserve them. Let's just go in."

With that, he pushed his door open. Taking a deep breath, Eren followed his lead. Levi, overestimating his strength, placed his feet on the snow-covered asphalt and pushed himself upright. Immediately, everything seemed to start spinning around and he felt his body begin to plummet toward the car in front of him that happened to be his own. Fortunately, Eren made it just in time to catch him by sliding his arms around his skeletal waist. Levi face planted his shoulder, a grunt escaping his throat as his nose picked up Eren's scent - musky and very guy-ish, but comforting and unique at the same time. He stiffened and pushed himself back up to support his own weight, though not without Eren's assistance.

"Can you make it up the stairs?" the teen asked with that familiar concerned look in his eyes.

"I'm fine," the raven insisted as he shut the car door. Even that simple task seemed too difficult for him in Eren's eyes, but he decided to take his word for it.

"Then you head up. I'm gonna get the groceries."

Levi said nothing as he headed for the stairs. As soon as he reached the curb, he tripped and went down, barely having the reflex to catch himself with his hands. Eren rushed to his side and immediately started to help him up. Just by his unfocused eyes, he could tell how nauseous the artist was.

"Shit," he mumbled, relying on Eren's arms alone to hold his weight.

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to try the stairs on your own," the brunet said.

"Hmpf..."

Carefully, he set the man back on his feet but kept a firm hold of his waist. He instructed him to hook an arm around his neck so he could walk up with support. Having no other option, Levi complied. He managed to make it halfway up the first flight of stairs before he stumbled again and nearly broke his nose on one of the steps.

"This isn't working," mumbled Eren mostly to himself. Going against his better judgment from the attitude he would surely get from Levi, he scooped the man up into his arms. Levi weighed, scarily, next to nothing yet fit comfortably in his arms.

Eren chuckled upon hearing a half-hearted "brat" come from the addict as he carried him up the remainder of the stairs.

The whole time, Levi's heart was pounding. He was absolutely sure Eren could feel it. His nerves seemed alive with electricity and his stomach flopped around in a strange new way, quite opposite of the way that suggested he was about to puke.

'More human feelings...' he thought to himself.

He thought these kinds of feelings had stopped being possible for him years ago. He knew drugs rewrote the chemistry of a person's brain, and for how long he'd been addicted, he shouldn't have been able to feel so alive away from the monster. But there he was, more physically comfortable than he'd been in a long time against Eren's chest, supported by his capable arms, his head resting against his strong shoulder...

An involuntary image of how Eren's muscles must've had to flex beneath his smooth, tan skin as he held onto the raven flashed through Levi's mind and a pleasant shiver snaked its way down his spine.

Feeling that, Eren murmured, "We're almost there. You'll be warm in a sec."

Levi said nothing. For once, he wasn't cold and the shiver had nothing to do with the chilly air surrounding them. He wouldn't let Eren know this, though.

Somehow, Eren managed to get the door unlocked and open, stepping into the warm apartment. Levi didn't protest as he was laid across the couch in his usual spot atop the blankets he'd been using that morning, though part of him wished Eren would take him to his room instead. It wasn't because his bed was any more comfortable than the couch, in fact he preferred couches and always had. He merely longed to be curled up in those arms for a longer amount of time – just those few extra seconds it would take to make it to the room. It was a feeling he quickly buried, however.

As soon as Eren ceased contact, the dizziness greeted him again, the room pitching and rolling around him in every direction. He lifted a shaky hand to his face to cover his eyes, already squeezed shut.

"You okay?" Eren murmured.

"Define 'okay'," grumbled the raven. "Just go get the groceries."

With slight reluctance, Eren headed for the door again, planning to be as quick as possible. The sound of his name had him stopping and turning.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry...for being such a burden to you," said Levi quietly as he slowly lowered his hand, lashes fluttering open despite the nausea that refused to subside.

The teen shook his head with a small grin on his face. Levi's stomach clenched in response to the fluttering he felt from seeing that smile, as small as it may have been, again.

"You're not," said Eren. He then disappeared out the door, leaving Levi floating in a strange new kind of high and feeling like he seriously needed a cigarette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other than revealing where I came up with the title of this fic, I don't really like this chapter. ._. It's weird, idk. But let me know what you think, anyway? haha


	22. *~Chapter Twenty One~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hurts .~.

Levi didn't get much sleep that night. How could he, when his entire body was aching in more ways than one, when he continued to puke up everything Eren had managed to coax down his throat that evening and more, when the monster's beckoning from beneath the bathroom sink was almost deafening to him? Somehow he managed to fight it, but he could feel his will weakening with every tick of the clock above his head where he sat, wrapped up in three different blankets and his sketchbook open to a blank page in his lap, favorite pencil poised between his shaking fingers.

The last time he'd checked the clock it had been just before 3 AM. Eren was fast asleep on the sofa across the room, facing away from him with one of his feet sticking out of his blanket. Levi'd picked up that he was a pretty heavy sleeper. Thankfully he didn't snore or talk, though; what an annoyance that would be. His soft, even breathing was the only thing keeping Levi where he sat rather than fleeing down the hall and right back to the syringe.

Before he knew it, rays of sunlight were finding their way between the small openings between the blinds and flooding spots on the floor and coffee table. By then, he'd slept maybe an hour, but no more.

***

Presently, the raven stood just outside the apartment door in his usual spot with a lit, half-smoked cigarette betwixt his fingers. He was there merely out of habit and in hopes that a parasite might help chase away his desire for the monster, though the effort was fruitless. Since his health had been deteriorating so much, even cigarettes were becoming undesirable to him. He already hated the taste and the smoke only brought on more coughing, which only served to amplify the excruciating burning of his lungs and throat.

Sighing lightly, he snuffed the glowing stick out on the brick behind him and carelessly let it fall to the ground before turning and heading back inside. He'd only been standing for a few minutes, but his weak legs were already complaining and ready to give out.

Inside, he found Eren emerging from the bathroom. It always made him nervous when the teen went in there, knowing what was hidden beneath the sink. He put it past him to look down there, though. The brat wasn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, nor the bravest.

The brunet wandered down the hall, chewing absently on his lip and running his fingers along the wall, brows knitted together and eyes downcast. Watching, Levi sunk back down onto the couch, unable to hold himself up any longer.

"What's with you today, brat?" he asked, reaching for his cup of tea that was, distastefully, already cooling off.

Eren met his eyes, seemingly surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Tch. You're restless as hell and you've barely spoken a word."

"It's nothing," he lied, taking a seat as well. Almost immediately, his leg began bouncing. "I'm fine."

Levi sat back, eyeing the shaking leg. "Stop that," he muttered. "And please, brat, I'm not blind. Spill."

Eren's leg ceased movement as asked, but his hands then found something to occupy themselves with, which was fidgeting with the hem of his tan, long-sleeved shirt.

"I'm just...nervous. That's all."

Levi resisted the urge to roll his eyes for sake of keeping the dizziness away. It was an on and off thing. At that moment it was off and he intended to keep it that way as long as possible.

"Obviously. What about, is what I'm asking."

"I just don't know what I'm gonna do about this whole school thing."

Immediately, Levi's stomach clenched. He lowered his tea cup into his lap and averted his eyes from the teen. Guilt flooded in like a river after a rainstorm. His better judgment told him to keep his mouth shut, though he wanted to tell Eren he should've gone and should continue going...that he wasn't worth jeopardizing his education and entire future over.

Instead, he found himself asking, "Are you having second thoughts?"

Eren's answer was immediate and certain. "About you? Absolutely not."

Levi felt a pang deep within him at those words, however it wasn't all bad. It felt good, actually, to know someone cared for him so much. It was selfish, of course, but he couldn't deny that he was thankful for it. On the other hand, every fiber of his being seemed amused at the statement. He knew down to every last one of his nerve endings, in the core of his bones, that he wasn't worth the trouble Eren was going through for him. Such thinking took over the good feeling quickly.

"Not about me," he said, voice edgy. "About dropping out."

"I'm...not sure. It's not really an easy decision to make, y'know?"

"Not really. I'm sure it's much more difficult for you than it was for me."

"Elaborate?"

Absently tracing the rim of his tea cup, feeling slightly hypocritical for telling Eren to stop fidgeting and then doing it himself, he responded. "My monster made the decision for me. It was more important than anything at that point. Whereas you...you get to make the decision on your own." He paused to take a sip of the tea. The flavor was still decent, though it still needed to be warmed. "But I guess I shouldn't blame another force for poor decisions made on my behalf." He half-shrugged, attempting to seem casual about it.

Peeking up from under his lashes, Levi saw Eren's eyes narrow.

"You really don't want me to quit, do you?"

Reserving his features as best he could, the raven met those bright green orbs. "No," he said, "I don't."

Finally, tan hands ceased their fidgeting and the teen straightened his posture a bit. "Can I ask you something?"

Levi flinched. He'd always hated that question. But despite his discomfort, he nodded once.

"What was the longest amount of time you went before relapsing in the past month?"

Levi cocked a brow. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Answer and I'll tell you."

He let out a small "tch" before considering it. Out of habit, he ran the ball of his tongue piercing over the back of his teeth as he thought.

"Maybe twelve hours," he said finally.

"This time it's been two days," the teen explained. "Why do you think that is?"

Levi's fingers tightened around the tea cup they were wrapped around. It was annoying how this teenager was speaking so condescendingly to him.

"The obvious reason," he muttered through his teeth. "Because you're here."

"Exactly. What do you think would happen if I left?"

Levi's immediate answer was 'death', but he refrained from saying it. Instead, he said, "As if you don't know."

"That's my point, Levi." Eren's voice was softer now, in that way that sent tingles down the raven's spine and over his arms. It caused him to shiver. "If I leave, you'll just end up worse than you are. I'm already having trouble forgiving myself for leaving you alone before. If I did that again..." His words trailed off into a shake of his head. That adorable crease appeared between his brows again, and some of the luster in those bright turquoise irises faded. His fidgeting started back up. "I care about you too much to-"

Levi cut him off with a dry, humorless laugh. "Care about me," he snorted. "You're delusional if you care about something like me."

"You're not a _thing_ , Levi. You're a human. A person."

The artist snorted again. "Hardly," he mumbled. "I lost my humanity years ago. The only reason I might be classified as a human is because I have the body of one."

"D-don't say that. You are human..." Eren's eyes were wide again, filled with something that resembled fear.

'Good,' thought the raven, 'He should be afraid.'

"That's beside the point. The point is you're wasting your life being here."

"What, do you want me to leave?"

Levi gritted his teeth. "No. It would just be in your best interest."

"I'm not going anywhere, then."

"You're such a fool," he muttered. "You say you can't forgive yourself for leaving me alone, but I won't be able to forgive myself when I drag you down with me."

Eren had just opened his mouth to respond when the ringing of his phone cut him off. Blinking rapidly, he fumbled to pick it up. He cleared his throat and his voice was semi-reserved when he answered.

"Hey, Mom."

Immediately, every muscle in Levi's body stiffened, amplifying the aching. His fingers remained tight around his tea cup as he listened to Eren's side of the conversation.

"No, I'm fine, don't worry."

Of course Carla could tell he was distressed by hearing him speak two words. Levi felt himself in envy of the brat again, for having such a caring mother in his life.

And suddenly he couldn't take it anymore. Everything had built up over the past few days - trying to spare Eren any more pain; his own pain, both physical and emotional; burying his burning need for his drug; the envy; the desperation; the agony...

It was no longer a burning need for the monster, but white-hot _critical_ need. His body demanded it, and _now_. It took over his rational thinking and his will, snuffing it out as easily as a candle in a rainstorm.

Paying no mind to anything else - not the tea cup, which tumbled to the floor and let the remnants of the liquid spill, nor the brat still on the phone - he stood and strode down the hall and into the bathroom faster than he thought was possible for his weak limbs. He could think of nothing but relieving himself of this pain and guilt, especially for Eren - keeping him away from everything good in his life.

Swiftly, he shut and locked the door, hoping to some higher power the brunet wouldn't find the key, or even think to look for one.

Trembling down to his very bones, Levi turned. For the first time in days, he allowed himself a look at his reflection. He scarcely recognized the person he saw - thin, cheekbones prominent beneath his grayish white skin. The hair on the sides of his head, generally neatly shaved, was beginning to grow out. His eyes were sunken into his skull, surrounded by gray circles. The eyes themselves personified the burning agony he felt within.

Disgusted, a disturbing feeling settling itself into the pit of his stomach, he sunk to the floor in front of the cabinet. His hands shook mercilessly as he fumbled to open it. The contents of the inside were unchanged. He felt their pull, like they'd been waiting for him.

Slowly, he reached for the syringe. As soon as his fingers made contact with the familiar, smooth surface of it, something hit the door from the outside.

"Levi?"

It was Eren, of course. His voice was strained, only causing another pang in the raven's chest, right where his tattered heart thumped pointlessly.

"Go away," he practically choked.

Another thump to the door.

"Levi, please don't tell me you're doing what I think you're doing." The teen's voice was desperate.

Levi didn't respond. There was no sense lying to the brat, excusing it as throwing up or needing to shower or something. He would find out the truth anyway.

Throat tight, warm tears already dripping down his cheeks, he reached for the small baggie of powder and a spoon. Eren's voice, strained and desperate, thick with likely tears, sounded again.

"Please don't do this," he begged. "Please."

Still, Levi kept his mouth shut tight. The knob jostled. The artist's shaking hands never stopped preparing his venom, regardless of Eren's desperate pleas. The pleas inside of him were much stronger, much more desperate than the teenager outside the door. As soon as he was reunited with the monster he was certain to feel better, without the aching of all of his muscles, without the burning of his lungs and trachea, without the shakiness and vomiting. He would be able to eat and keep it down, unlike when he was sober. While sober, he couldn't hold onto anything long enough to completely go through him, save for water and tea, which he knew weren't nourishing enough.

Suddenly, this didn't seem so bad.

He filled his syringe carefully, eyes blurring in and out of focus.

"Please, Levi. I'm begging you..."

He was this close. All he had to do was find the vein, insert the needle, and plunge. He shoved his sleeve up as far as it would go. As he poised the needle just below his right elbow, he chomped down on his lip.

"I know you don't want to do this, Levi," Eren went on. The raven could easily picture his beautiful eyes filled with all that desperation and pain, leaking tears one at a time and wetting his long lashes to leave moist streaks down the smooth skin of his cheeks. The image was quickly buried as it pained Levi like no other.

That, too, was something the monster, gracious to him despite the name he'd given it, would numb as well...or so he assumed.

That in mind, he let the needle pierce his skin - just another mark to add to the collection he'd been working on for years. He didn't even feel the pinch; after the countless times he'd done it, seven tattoos, and six piercings, needles were nothing to him. In fact, watching as it sunk into his flesh was almost a release within itself, an anticipation of sorts knowing the agony would be over soon.

From the other side of the door, Eren whispered in a broken tone one last "please..."

"I'm sorry, Eren," whispered the raven, equally as broken, as he shoved the plunger all the way down into the barrel.

~~~

Levi lost track of the amount of time he remained on the bathroom. It was long after he'd heard Eren's feet shuffle away from the door. He'd shut the cabinet and turned to lean against it, limbs sprawled carelessly around him.

The high took affect almost immediately - familiar yet thrilling, the way he could feel it taking over him, mind and body alike. The rush was the best part, erasing every last trace of pain he bore, if only for a minute. He hadn't felt like he was flying, or could fly, or any kind of insane sensations he experienced for the first several years he was on the drug. He didn't need that, though. He was simply grateful for feeling normal again. His body no longer felt so heavy and he was even moderately aware of the stirring of his empty stomach.

But then the rush was gone, and like usual, it was much too soon. That was when the monster itself settled in, finding its cozy spot in the recesses of his mind and getting comfortable for a while as it took on the role of Levi's inner company.

 _'You're hurting that boy,'_ it whispered sinisterly to him.

His eyes snapped open, wide as they could go. In full-length mirror hanging behind the door, he could see half of his face, streaked with drying tears.

 _'Hideous,'_ muttered the monster. _'You've really let yourself go. And for him? Gone soft, have you?'_ Sadistic laughter. The disapproving clicking of a tongue.

Still, the monster was never wrong. He was hideous as a result of withdrawal, and withdrawal was a result of Eren.

_Eren..._

The word swam through his mind softly, along with the memory of gentle laughter, bandaged hands, and pools of seafoam...

...seafoam which swirled down the drain and was replaced by a rusty color that might've resembled blood, or perhaps the color of Alex's hair dye when she went burgundy at seventeen...

Guilt exploded inside of the raven like a radioactive bomb and spread throughout his entire being. It wasn't anything new. In fact, it occurred every time he'd relapsed in the past month. Though this time it was worse, much worse. This time the brat was merely down the hall in a heap of his own pain all because of Levi's careless, selfish actions.

Impulse took over at that moment. His body leaned forward, seemingly controlled by some force that was outside his own consciousness. He pulled his fist back and, with a roar, snapped it forward, planting it in the glass of the mirror. Senses heightened from the drug coursing through his bloodstream, he could watch in slow motion as cracks traveled across it. Several shards of glass fell out and clattered to the tile of the floor. The remainder of the reflective material around his fist became stained with blood. He watched as it dripped between the cracks and down onto the floor. As soon as the sting of what had to be several cuts registered, his vision grew blurry as tears welled up and spilled over.

Eventually, his fist came away from the broken glass still bleeding. He felt like he was vibrating. An internal battle took hold inside him, emotions vs. the monster, and neither were winning nor losing. How evenly matched they were was unnerving.

He'd definitely been right about one thing for sure. His empty stomach nagged for food and the aching seemed to have subsided. He no longer saw glimpses of painful memories each time he blinked. Breathing itself was an easier task in the company of the monster.

Still, none of these things, no matter how strong, could completely overcome his immense guilt.

Levi hastily wiped his sleeve across his face to clear his vision of tears before he pulled himself to his feet. Ignoring the blood still trickling from the wounds in his knuckles, he yanked his hoodie over his head, followed by the long-sleeved shirt underneath it and then the muscle shirt beneath that. Looking down at his bare torso he couldn't help but notice how the colors of his tattoos popped out against his pallid complexion. Tearing his eyes away from that, he shoved both his sweats and boxers to his feet simultaneously and kicked them carelessly into the corner. Generally, he would've neatly folded each article of clothing and placed them on the counter, but at that moment he couldn't care less about being tidy. He avoided making eye contact with himself in the mirrors as he strode to the shower and shoved the curtain aside. Fiercely, he turned the knobs to start the stream of water from the shower head above him. The heat of the water stung his skin and turned the ridiculous paleness of it bright red resembling a sunburn. The presence of the monster didn't allow him to mind the pain.

And then he started scrubbing, using half of what remained of the soap and shampoo. He scrubbed ferociously as if soap and water could rid him of the guilt coursing through his veins right alongside the monster.

After watching the last of the suds swirl down the drain, he took a moment to inspect the cuts on his knuckles. If there had been any glass in them, it was gone now. He paid no more mind to them.

Eventually, the water ran cold and the monster pushed him to get out before he suffered any kind of hypothermia.

He collected his clothes and, covered in nothing but a towel fastened around his waist, tiptoed across the hall to his room. There was no sign of Eren.

 _'Maybe he figured out what's good for him and left,'_ suggested the monster nonchalantly.

Levi bit down on the inside of his cheek. Such a possibility had a whole new slew of emotions flooding in to fight - fear; loneliness; shame; mild, subtle relief...

He attempted to focus on the solace which came with the monster as he tossed his clothes in the basket. Muscles tight, he selected clothes at random from the dresser, dressing himself mechanically. Before pulling his hoodie back over his head, he caught sight of the monstrosity that were his arms, marked up eternally by hundreds of needle pricks and scars - the remnants of self-inflicted injuries. The line on his inner right wrist was barely recognizable to even him because of how many times he'd slashed through it with a blade. It was faded, too, though that was no surprise seeing as it was almost a decade old.

Levi bit down harder on his cheek and the metallic flavor of blood hit his taste buds. Ignoring that, he yanked the sweatshirt over his head in haste to cover the markings prior to quickly pulling a comb through his hair.

Drawing in a deep breath, he wandered out into the hall. His heart thudded vigorously in its cage of ribs in anticipation of whether or not he would find Eren remaining in the apartment.

As he reached the end of the hall, the dining table came into view with a defeated-looking, chocolate-haired teenager residing in one of the chairs surrounding it. He was leaning over, elbows resting on the wood, head in his hands as his fingers were tangled in his hair, face hidden, and a pool of what Levi could only assume to be tears on the table beneath his chin.

Simultaneously, his heart squeezed at the desperate sight as relief flooded through him, but never not accompanied by guilt - always guilt. If there was anything he bore an infinite amount of, that was it.

Levi stuffed his hands in his pocket and finally released the grip on his cheek, prepared to speak.

"Y-you should leave," he stammered in a shaky tone.

Slowly, Eren's hands came away from his face to leave his hair sticking out in all directions. He looked up, eyes once again puffy and bloodshot, lashes not quite dry though he'd clearly stopped crying.

"Are you kidding?" he half whispered, voice thick.

Levi's fingers balled into fists involuntarily. "Do I look like I'm kidding?" he muttered through his teeth.

Eren blinked fast several times as though he was attempting to clear his vision. His eyes never left the raven's face, however, and Levi having seen his own appearance so recently rendered him self-conscious.

 _'How can he stand to look at your hideous face with such innocent eyes?'_ mused the monster.

"I'm not going anywhere," the teen finally answered.

Levi's gut twisted uncomfortably. "I'm _hurting_ you, Eren..." His voice cracked in several places, further revealing his broken-ness.

Eren moved to his feet under Levi's gaze. The teen's forehead remained furrowed as his face displayed his emotions across it, plain as day. Hurt, he was definitely hurt. Worried. Partially conflicted. But determination trumped every one of those.

"I'm not going to quit after one setback, Levi." He started forward. "When I decided to help you, I accepted the fact that this wasn't going to be easy, that this was going to happen. I'm not saying I was exactly prepared for it, but I knew it would come sooner or later. Prepared or not, I'm not going to give up on you. If anything, this gives me more of a reason to stay."

Levi gazed up at the tenacious teenager who'd only stopped a mere two feet from him. "How can you be so forgiving?" he mumbled tremulously.

"Because I believe in you. I see there's hope for you. And maybe it's feeble...but I'm hoping that it's enough for you to somehow see it, too."

The shake of Levi's head was slight. His fist raised and planted in the dead center of Eren's chest, something he couldn't help but notice to be much firmer than he'd expected.

"Dammit, Eren," he mumbled, lowering his head to hide the traitor tears forming, annoyingly, once again from his ducts. "You just keep throwing us off more and more. At this rate I'll be so indebted to you that you'll have to throw me into the pits of hell yourself."

Warmth met the back of the raven's hand, then. Eren had gently placed his own palm over it and began gently rubbing small circles into his injured knuckle with the soft pad of his thumb.

"You're not going to hell. And you don't owe me a thing."

"Says you..."

Eren removed the fist from his chest but kept hold of his hand. Heat seemed to be radiating throughout his entire body from the mere contact of their hands.

"Look at me, Levi."

Clamping onto the now raw spot on the inside of his cheek once more, the raven looked up. Eren's gaze was sincere and pure as ever.

"Do you still want me to leave?"

Something between a sob and a cough caught in Levi's throat. He attempted to swallow it with no luck.

"No," he murmured nearly inaudibly around it. "No, I don't."

"Then like I said, I'm not going anywhere."

"Tch..." Levi reluctantly pulled his hand from Eren's and wiped it across his face. Of course, the teen didn't miss the cuts marking up his knuckles. Frowning once more, he indicated them with his finger.

"What did you do?"

Levi dropped his eyes to his hand. "I might've...punched the mirror..."

The teen's features relaxed a bit in realization. "So that's what that noise was." His hand extended forward. "May I?"

The raven held his breath as he, too, held out his hand. The teen took it once more with a feather-light touch, his fingers pleasantly warm and soft. Levi's nerves were hyper aware of the contact and the tingle throughout the entirety of his abused body. He watched as the brunet leaned forward, eyes narrow and brows knitted together in concentration as he inspected the injuries.

"It doesn't look like there's any glass in it. Does it hurt at all?" he asked.

Levi shrugged indifferently. The teen hummed and gestured to the table behind him. "Sit. I'm gonna go get some bandages."

"You don't have to do that..."

"They're deep enough that there's risk for infection."

Sighing lightly, Levi complied by taking a seat at the table. Eren strode down the hall. Levi could hear him shuffling through the medicine cabinet over the sink momentarily before he emerged once more, bearing a box of bandages, a roll of tape, the bottle of rubbing alcohol, and several Q-Tips. He emptied the items onto the table before taking his seat again. The artist watched with curious, almost suspicious eyes as his hands worked, memorizing the delicate yet sure motion of his fingers as they unscrewed the cap of the bottle of alcohol and poured a bit of the liquid into it without spilling a drop. He pinched one of the Q-Tips between his thumb and forefinger to gingerly dip an end into the substance, simultaneously motioning for Levi to offer his hand once more. As soon as their fingers came into contact again, the same tingle danced pleasantly up his spine, but was quickly replaced by the sudden stinging of his wounded knuckles as Eren applied the germ-killing liquid to them. He hissed in pain.

"Sorry," murmured the teen with a light smirk. "You don't have any peroxide so I have to use this."

Once finished with the alcohol, he carefully tipped the contents of the cap back into the bottle and screwed it back on. His careful fingers then moved to the box of gauze, which he opened smoothly to slide a square of it out. He easily measured the amount he would need to cover the wounds and tore it off like paper.

Levi found himself gazing more at the teen's face as he worked than the work itself. Eren sported a crease of concentration between his brows. His eyes didn't leave his work and his lips were pursed ever so slightly. That one strand of hair had fallen over his left eye again; Levi had to fight off the urge to brush it back.

"Nice mess you made in there," Eren articulated as he was gently pressing a piece of tape to the back of Levi's hand. "What possessed you to break the mirror?"

Levi drew in a deep breath before giving his answer.

"Guilt is a heavy burden."

Eren's eyes flickered up to the raven's face. "Why do you feel guilty?"

"You mean that's not obvious?" Levi muttered in response.

"Uhm...afraid not..."

"Shitty brat," he breathed, letting his eyelids drop closed. "Every time I turn around, I've hurt you in some way. Even if you can, I can't forgive myself for that."

"The only thing that hurts me is knowing you're not well." The teen's voice dropped to barely above a whisper. "Or that you've hurt yourself. It's not like you're doing it on purpose."

"Still. It's my fault you were crying again. If I wasn't such a weakling and hadn't gone in there..."

"Mistakes happen. I know you're not perfect, and I knew from the get go that this wasn't going to be easy."

Levi opened his eyes without responding as Eren pressed the last piece of tape to his hand. Once satisfied with his work, he said, "There. It probably feels weird, but..."

Levi flexed his fingers. The tape tugged on his skin a bit and it stung a bit where the gauze made contact with a few of the cuts, but it was bearable.

"It's fine. Thanks."

"No problem. Hungry?"

"For once, yes."

A light smirk playing on his lips, Eren stood up and went around the table toward the kitchen. The raven's nose picked up a faint whiff of his scent as he passed and relaxed. Even in simple things such as that, there was always a calming aura about the bright-eyed teenager. To Levi, it was addicting.

 _'Typical,'_ muttered the monster. _'You understand nothing_ but _addiction.'_

To that day, the monster had still never been wrong.


	23. *~Chapter Twenty Two~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love on this fic, guys! It's really appreciated ♥

Later the same evening, the two had settled down in the living room with the television on, though neither of them were paying any attention to it; it was merely background noise. Their attention was instead focused on the open sketchbook in Levi's lap as he mindlessly doodled, not consciously aware of the image coming together beneath his pencil. Eren sat next to him, his hands wrapped around a mug of tea and his legs crossed on the couch, watching attentively. It was strange to him how focused the raven was on this and how much his body lacked its usual shaky manner. He knew it was only because of the drug coursing through his veins, as was that the reason he'd been able to eat and still hadn't thrown it up.

Levi's hand descended to the bottom of the page where, in intricate letters, he wrote a quote. One that left Eren in stunned silence.

_Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile, you're my crack of sunlight._

That again...

Almost as if in slow motion, Levi's slender, capable artist fingers released the utensil. It rolled down the page and rested on his stomach at the same time his head fell against the back of the couch.

Eren had nothing to say. He couldn't tear his gaze away from the drawing.

It was dark; the pencil was charcoal. It portrayed the corner of a room with no doors or windows. In that corner was a person, appearing small and fragile, curled up into a fetal position with his arms wrapped around his knees. The majority of the face was covered by a hood, but what was visible was unsettling. The mouth was spread into an ear-to-ear smile, the cheeks ripped through. The teeth were sharp and menacing, and between them was half a lit cigarette, a curl of smoke drifting upward. Above the person was a crack in the ceiling. Levi had left part of the paper white to symbolize the light flooding in though that one crack down on the person in the corner.

Part of Eren felt he knew what the symbolism in this drawing was, what each thing meant and what it had to do with the quote, why Levi had said it was stuck in his head and why it seemed to have so much significance to him. At the same time, none of it made any sense to him. All he knew for sure was the person in the corner was supposed to be the artist himself.

Before Eren mustered up the courage to ask any questions about it, Levi had sat back up and was closing the sketchbook to toss it onto the coffee table. He then pulled his knees up and ran a hand through his hair.

"You alright?" Eren murmured.

"Get ready for round two," was all Levi said with hands beginning to shake, raking up and down his clothed leg. That meant only one thing – he was coming down from the high.

"C-can I ask you something, Levi?" Eren stammered.

The raven's eyes narrowed to slits and he scrutinized the teen out of the corners of them.

"What?"

Uncomfortable, Eren divided his attention to tracing the rim of the mug. "I just wanna know what it's like. I mean, to be someone like you...like, to be..." He had a hard time getting the words out.

"An addict?" suggested Levi.

Despite his flinch, Eren nodded. He felt very small there under the close stare of gray orbs.

"Why do you want to know?"

Eren swallowed hard. "Because I wanna have an idea about what you're going through. I mean, for you personally. I read up on it, but I'm sure your experience is different..."

"What do you want to know?"

"I don't know. Everything, I guess. What it feels like. And what the consequences are...other than the obvious ones."

Levi's hands moved to his thighs and he drew in a deep breath through his nose "I'm not that different from people who chose the same path I did," he said quietly. "Either they were influenced by the people around them or they had shitty things happen to them and saw no other way to cope. Or in my case, both. Either way, we're all miscreants by choice."

"Even so, I want to understand."

Slowly, Levi turned his whole body to face Eren, crossing his legs in the same fashion. He folded his arms over his stomach. "Then I want you to answer a question for me, as well."

"What is it?"

"I'll tell you when I'm finished." With that, he reached over and picked his own cup of tea from the coffee table, lifting it to take a small sip. Once he lowered it back into his lap, he gently drummed his nails against the side of it, seemingly even sure where to begin."

Eren's curiosity trumped his hesitance, causing him to ask, "What was it like when you did it the first time?"

"Opium or heroin?"

"H-heroin," he stammered, followed by a swig of tea to rid his tongue of the fowl taste the word left in its wake.

Levi stared into his tea as he answered. "At first it's terrible. Scary. It's so foreign to your entire being as a whole that you feel like you've unintentionally committed suicide. But then comes the rush and an overwhelming sense of calm and safety. Really, you could be in the absolute most dangerous situation and feel completely at ease. While you're under, it's the best thing in the world and you can't help but wonder why in the hell you didn't try it before. You feel like you could perhaps fly, but you've still got enough good sense to keep yourself from jumping off a building. It's a euphoria."

Eren's eyes were wide as he took in the words. A question bubbled up. "A-and that's what you've been feeling this whole time?"

"...No. For me, it's not so much a euphoria anymore, just straight up addiction. I do it because it's what allows me to feel moderately normal and, as I've told you before, it erases the pain. Keeps the waking nightmares away. Hardly even experience the rush anymore. At least...not nearly as strong as it used to be. Nonetheless, I can't stop. It's dragged me under too deep. I can't even see light anymore." His voice cracked and in an attempt to cover it up, he took a large swallow of his tea. "Or so I thought before..."

"Before what?"

"Before that day in November when you walked into the shop and twisted up everything I was used to."

The rush of blood to Eren's cheeks was instantaneous. He quickly took another sip of his own tea, attempting to hide it, but that could only shield him for so long. Levi's gaze transferred up to that face and upon seeing the beautiful shade of pink in those incredibly soft cheeks, his stomach fluttered.

He didn't have much time to take it in, however, because at that point the rawness of his lungs and trachea settled in as the monster was leaving. He only had a second to draw in a breath before the agonizing coughing took over.

Eren reacted immediately, gently prying the mug from his hands and placing it back on the coffee table alongside his own. By then, Levi was doubled over, the retching loud and painful to merely listen to. His head was almost in the teen's lap and with each new cough came a tremor throughout his whole body. Between each round of retching, his breath came in a struggle. His hands had turned to pallid fists on his stomach, fingers curled around the black fabric of his hoodie.

Eren gently rubbed his back, biting his lip. Unsure of what else to do, he felt helpless. He wanted to be able to reach inside of Levi and take all of his pain away, to rid him of this agony and make it all okay for him. But unfortunately, he wasn't a superhero and all he could do was sit there, rubbing the bony back of the tattoo artist, and wait for the fit to subside.

Slowly, his coughing came to an end. He didn't move, but remained bent over and panting.

"Levi?" Eren murmured in a small, worried tenor.

Levi pushed himself halfway upright. The red was fading from his face though his eyes were squeezed shut.

"Sorry," he breathed.

Eren ignored that. "Water?"

"...okay..."

The teen jumped up to retrieve a bottle of water from the fridge. He twisted the cap open in one easy move as he sat back down. Levi took it with his shaking hands and managed to get it to his lips and drink thirstily. Half of the contents were gone by the time he pulled it away from his mouth.

"You okay now?" murmured Eren.

"I think so..."

"Maybe you should lay down."

The shake of Levi's head was slight. "I haven't finished telling you. And you still have to answer my question." His voice had become incredibly rough again, which shouldn't have been any surprise.

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"There's so much more that being an addict ruins for you that just your health, Eren."

The teen nodded. He had an idea what that meant from memories of his father, but he wanted to hear what that meant for _Levi._

Taking his nod as a sign of encouragement, Levi continued, struggling past the burning of his lungs.

"It takes over everything. You want nothing but the monster. You care about nothing but the monster. All you can think about is your next fix. It takes over all other emotions and desires. Money is never a thing because before you've even made it, it's already spent on the monster. But that isn't even the most valuable thing it robs you of. It takes away your humanity. It's...like a contract. Anything human that remains is the instinct to survive - eat, drink, sleep, shit, shoot up, repeat. Relationships die. You think you're making new ones with the people who have this beast in common with you...but they're not real. They're not humane. They're figments of euphoria, and if you're not high, you're incredibly alone."

He took another swig of water. Much like the other day when he was recapping his story for Eren, his eyes faded out of focus like he was remembering something pretty vivid, and it was more than likely he was; the pain in his eyes was evident.

"I knew this was happening," he went on, "but I couldn't stop. I depend on that escape from my hellish reality. It's another kind of hell on its own, but I didn't know that when I signed the contract." Gradually, his eyes focused back in and moved to meet the bright teal ones just a few feet away. "I never dreamed anyone would show up wanting to save me, let alone see me as a human after he found out the truth."

Eren was rendered speechless. In his perspective, those words almost suggested Levi was admitting he appreciated Eren's presence and determination, that he felt grateful and lucky. To himself, however, he was nothing special. He was merely doing what he thought was right, what he thought was best for a person he cared so deeply about. But that was why he asked this question in the first place; he knew things were different in Levi's eyes and he wanted nothing more than to understand how he saw the situation and why. His explanation had helped Eren greatly, and the brunet was thankful for his mother always teaching him to keep an open mind.

Eren couldn't help the grin that spread out on his face. It was a soft smirk, not amused. Loving, almost, though he would be incredibly embarrassed if Levi could see that.

"You're one of the most human people I've ever met, Levi," he remarked.

"Tch..." Levi dropped his gaze. "And that brings me to my question."

"I-I'm listening..."

Admittedly, the raven was nervous, causing him to stall by taking another drink from the water bottle. That was when, abruptly, the nausea hit and the walls started spinning out of place.

"Shit," he muttered, covering his eyes with his hand, willing the dizziness away. It only served to get stronger, though, and then he felt that familiar disturbance churn in his stomach.

Eren watched, a bit bewildered, as the artist's hand released the water bottle - capped, thankfully - and clutched at his abdomen.

"Do me a favor and help me to the bathroom," Levi said, uncovering his eyes.

Quickly, Eren stood and offered his hand, which the raven used to pull himself to his feet. Almost instantaneously, his body heaved and his free hand slapped to his mouth. With his arm around Levi's waist, Eren managed to get him down the hall and into the bathroom just quick enough for him to puke his guts up into the toilet. He clutched at Eren's hand the whole time. Absolutely everything he'd eaten earlier in the day made a reappearance, and then he was dry heaving, making awful gagging sounds between forced gasps of breath.

Finally, the gagging subsided and his weak body slumped to the side, caught only by the side of the bathtub. Eren managed to catch his head before it smacked into it, gently lying him against the hard plastic. The raven was panting, eyes half-lidded, arms shaking.

Without giving it so much as a glance, Eren shut the lid of the toilet and flushed it with his free hand. Levi still hadn't let go of the other.

"Fuck..." Levi muttered between his pants.

"I'm gonna go get your water..." Eren mumbled, standing up and gently prying his hand from Levi's fingers. When he returned, Levi was sitting up on his own, though the shaking had once again taken over his whole body. Eren handed him the water, which he merely took miniscule sips of.

"It happened so fast..." breathed Eren. "I thought withdrawals weren't supposed to start until several hours after the high went away."

Levi snorted. "Yeah, those were the days..."

"Huh?"

"They start almost immediately for me now. That's just how dependent my body is on the drug."

"Oh..." was the only response Eren could think of for that.

~

"You should get some rest," the teen was suggesting a while later after they'd moved into Levi's bedroom. The artist was curled up on his side under a blanket Eren retrieved from the living room, trembling incessantly. The brunet sat next to him, facing him with his legs crossed much the way he had been on the couch.

"No. Don't think you can get out of answering my question."

Eren blinked in mild surprise. After all the commotion, he'd almost forgotten about it. His heart sped up in anticipation.

"Oh. Right. That."

Levi pushed himself into a sitting position. Eren couldn't help but notice how it took much more effort than should be necessary for him. He kept the blanket wrapped around himself and had his knees pulled up, legs crossed at the ankles.

"It's something I've been wondering since you...told me what you did at the shop the other night."

"Okay. Ask."

Stormy gray eyes bored straight into vivid blue-green ones as he uttered the question. "What reason do you have to care about me?"

Immediately, Eren's brow furrowed into a frown. "I've told you-"

"No," interrupted the raven. "I don't mean this in the way I have loathing for myself. I'm not looking for you to tell me I shouldn't, or why. I'm asking this solely from you. What do you see in me? I want to understand your perspective as well."

Eren was silent for a minute as he pondered his response. His fingers began to fidget in his lap and his eyes moved downcast.

"That's...not very easy to put into words," he claimed.

"Maybe I worded it wrong. Maybe I should be asking what it is you see in me that's worth sacrificing everything over...what's worth saving me for."

Eren smirked a bit. Even in his state of withdrawal, just that subtle smile had Levi's stomach fluttering. It was so _human_ and he still wasn't used to that.

When the teen answered, his words were steady and certain. Levi found he couldn't take his eyes off of him as he spoke.

"That's much easier," he began. "You deserve a second chance...a chance to experience happiness. You never deserved any of the shit you've had to endure."

"Maybe I do deserve it," suggested Levi. "I've stolen things, gotten into countless fights, done dozens of illegal drugs. I'm not a good person."

Eren shook his head. "Even so, no one should have to go through their entire life miserable and unloved. We all do bad things. Some more than others, but the degree doesn't really matter when it comes right down to it, don't you think? You...when I said you're one of the most human people I've ever met, I meant it. I can tell there's something caged inside of you that's dying to be let out and I think it's the part of you that never wanted to take this path. That part of you knows you have potential, and I can see it, too...even if consciously, you can't."

Levi clicked his tongue sarcastically. "And what potential might that be?"

"Your art," answered Eren immediately. "I know I don't only speak for myself when I say I've never seen anything like it. There's so much you can do with talent like that."

Levi lowered his head slightly to cover the majority of it with his knees. He peered at Eren from beneath the blanket. The teen seemed genuine in his words in a way Levi partially understood. He knew he was talented, he was just never able to grasp what that might do for other people, didn't see the point of having it if it held no significant meaning.

"That all?" he asked after a long pause.

"Well, no." Eren shut his eyes. "But the last reason is entirely too selfish on my part."

"I gave you the whole truth. Be fair."

Eren inhaled deeply. "Okay." He visibly gulped and reopened his eyes. "Things changed for me, too, when I got the job at the shop...and it wasn't just 'cause I was finally able to start helping my mom out. To this day I'm not exactly sure what it was...or, is...but I do know it had to do with you. My mom noticed. Armin noticed. Even my other friends noticed. And they noticed the change after Christmas, too." At this point, Eren had his face hidden, though whether it was out of embarrassment or something else, Levi didn't know. "I felt more alive than I had my whole life, I think, and then almost like a walking corpse after what happened. Being here has had the same effect as before...except maybe even stronger." Slightly, he lifted his head to make eye contact once again. "I'm finally looking at legitimate happiness, and god, Levi, I don't want that to go away. We've both been in the dark for so long and that's how I know you understand what I mean. I just...I want you to stay, okay? I've already lost my dad. I couldn't bear losing you, too...in fact it would be worse. I know it's selfish, and I know you probably don't believe it...but I need you, too, in this unexplainable way...and I'm sorry if it's weird or childish, but-"

The brunet's words cut off when something cold made contact with his fingers. He looked down to find Levi's hand extended out from his blanket, his fingertips gently resting on top of Eren's. He bit his lip, suddenly very afraid he'd gone too far, said too much or chosen his words poorly and that Levi would tell him to get out.

"It's not weird," the raven said. "Or childish."

Eren blinked several times, still nervous. "S-sorry," he mumbled. "Did that answer your question?"

Levi nodded once. "Thank you, and no apologies."

"Right..." Eren scratched the back of his head, feeling slightly awkward after his mini outburst.

"Time for a smoke," announced the raven. He swiveled around and pushed himself to his feet, shedding the blanket and retrieving his dwindling pack of cigarettes from the dresser along with the lighter. Without so much as another word or a backwards glance, he disappeared down the hall.

Eren remained there in the comfort of his own silence for a while, taking in everything that had just happened, starting with Levi's relapse.

He'd been scared as hell when Levi had disappeared down the hallway and into the bathroom, locking the door and telling him to go away. Somehow, Eren had just known what he'd been up to in there; the way he'd rushed down the hallway wasn't his usual fashion and his gut had twisted at the desperate flash on his pallid face. He truly hadn't been prepared, especially not for the aftereffects of the man injecting himself with such substance. His pupils had been miniscule and his shaking ceased completely, neither being things Eren was used to.

And then Levi ate. He really _ate_. He didn't just nibble on a piece of toast, take a few sips of tea, and then end up throwing it up twenty minutes later. He'd eaten nearly everything on his plate and managed to keep it down for several hours.

And suddenly Eren knew what he meant when he said it made him feel normal. Feeling normal, he could do those normal things without worrying about anything. He could eat and draw and likely sleep. That was precisely what Eren hated about it. It made him feel normal, yet it was destroying him from the inside out, changing the way his body - particularly his brain - worked. He was afraid that someday, if they let this go on for a certain length of time longer, he might not be Levi anymore; he might become a shell of the person he's supposed to be. That possibility terrified Eren greatly.

But it also resolved him. He refused to let Levi ever get that bad. He was prepared to do anything in his power from letting Levi end up like his father - who hadn't truly been himself at the end, either. Levi was much too important to him, much too important to the world around him. Of this Eren was certain - he could do miraculous things with his talent with a pencil. Several of his drawings had already moved Eren himself; he refused to let that go to waste.

No, Eren wouldn't let Levi hurt himself anymore; he would show him the light even if he really didn't know where it was or how to find it himself. He had to find a way, and he was certain that for this, for him, for either of them, giving up wasn't an option. Even if it meant dropping out of school. Even if it meant quitting his job. He would do this.

He loved Levi so much already. Believed in him. And that was all it took.

_*~Attempted Recovery Journal Entry #2~*_

_How fucked up would it be for me to say the last four days have been the most meaningful of this dreary existence of mine? All because of one obstinate force worming its adorable, ridiculous, precious way under my skin._

_Yes, precious is the word. He's an idiot, much too stubborn for his own damn good, so naïve and insecure, and he is the single most precious thing in my life._

_Hell...what could I possibly have done to deserve someone like him? We're opposites - he's pure and serene, beautiful and innocent whereas I...I am tainted and consumed by my sins. We're nothing alike._

_But he says he needs me. In those words I felt something beyond my comprehension; something meaningful and real. I don't understand it and again, it terrifies me. But he needs me._

_Hmpf, how could someone need someone like me? Ridiculous. Pathetic. Absurd._

_..._

_But that's normal routine, right? To be told that I matter on the rare occasion only for my thought process to twist it and tell me it's just that - pathetic and absurd. To automatically refrain from believing it because if there's anything I know better than the back of my hand, it's the extent of my damnation and how anyone who gets remotely close to me ends up hurt, be it physically or psychologically or both._

_Of course I can't believe him. Not 100%. Not even close. But, like my monster, he hasn't lied to me yet. He has my trust, and, I suppose...what little is left of my love. And if he says he needs me, if that's truly what he believes and what brings him close to happiness, then what choice have I other than to humor him? If I have any kind of power to perhaps make up all of the pain I've inflicted upon his poor soul, how can I not jump at the opportunity? It's the absolute least he deserves._

_Again, I must try. For what little I can do to make this at least slightly worthwhile for him._

_If he needs me, I'll stay for as long as I possibly can. After all, what else can my tattered soul do for the one it has elected to fall for?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna throw it out there, especially for those of you who said "he was doing so well!"...it only gets worse before it gets better. .~.


	24. *~Chapter Twenty Three~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hurts .~. And sorry for being a couple days late in updating!

The next week passed in a flurry of events Eren could hardly keep straight in his head. One thing he knew for sure was the case of cabin fever settling in as the day went on in that tiny apartment. Of course, he kept it to himself. Levi already had more than enough to deal with.

Tuesday, he decided it would be in his best interest to call Reiner and tell him the situation, though he was almost certain Alex had already shared with him what she knew. As Eren explained the situation, he found he'd been right to assume the raven's sister had told him of Levi's condition. Strangely, Reiner seemed sad. It didn't seem Reiner's style to feel bad for anyone; the teen brushed it off as it being concern for his future brother in law, or even as simple as it being his fiancée's brother.

In the end, he let both of them keep their position at the shop for the time being so they could return when possible, but again Eren knew it only had to do with Alex. He knew he wouldn't keep two flaky people employed under him if he were in Reiner's place.

They both spoke to Alex, as well, much to Levi's reluctance. She tried to talk him into rehab, gave him a list of pros and cons with the pros greatly outweighing the cons; both of them knew she made it sound that way intentionally. When Eren spoke to her, he moved to another part of the apartment and told her there was no way to talk him into it, for he'd already tried a few times.

"He'll have to make the decision on his own, Alex, whether we like it or not."

"And if he never does?"

"I think he will. He's...in too much pain not to eventually."

"Then call me as soon as he does. I don't care if it's at the asscrack of dawn or even earlier, or if I'm at work. Call me."

"I will."

"I'm holding you to your word, Eren."

She proceeded to tell him she could add him to her insurance policy through her employment since he was blood-related family. Eren promised again to contact her when he made the decision.

Wednesday rolled around in a drag, and with it came Levi's second relapse since Eren's presence. He'd been asleep, stretched out comfortably on the couch dreaming about something he no longer remembered. He woke up that morning to find Levi locked in the bathroom again, though it took little coaxing to get him to open the door. He'd stood there with his arms crossed and eyes downcast, guilt distorting his features clearly. The teen merely shook his head and told him to eat while he was able to keep food down for a while, and then get some rest as well. He'd been soundly asleep on his own couch as the sun was setting when the high died and immediately woke up to puke right into the bucket Eren left on the floor next to his head.

Thursday seemed better but worse at the same time. Worse because Levi's body rejected any kind of nourishment, including water and tea. Worse because his emotions got the better of him more so than normal. But better because music seemed to help greatly in a way neither of them could explain. Levi had pulled his laptop from beneath the couch and told Eren to continue playing the CD, insisting he start it on track six. It was the song he'd pulled that quote from, about the crack of sunlight. Listening to the lyrics once more, Eren had an epiphany. That drawing had, indeed been some sort of metaphor...and he realized that he himself was what was represented by the _crack of sunlight_ in the ceiling. It was something he was unable to get out of his head for days. Unfortunately, they only made it through track 11 before a coughing fit took over and nearly had him passing out. As he laid curled up against the arm of the couch that night, he said in his raspy voice, "All of those songs hold some stupid metaphor for this disastrous situation. Clever, brat. Real clever." He let out a half-hearted "tch" before he drifted under.

Friday morning, a few hours before the sun was supposed to begin lighting the sky with bright pinks and oranges, Levi'd jerked back awake with a start. His erratic breathing and merciless trembling was what woke Eren, as well, for he'd fallen asleep curled up at the opposite end of the couch. At first, to Eren's sleepy eyes, it appeared Levi was having some sort of panic attack. He buried his face in his knees, his hands tangled in his unruly black locks so tight the teen had an inkling he was trying to rip it out. As the teen came to full alertness, it started to look like a seizure. Levi was moaning into his knees, rocking back and forth. Tremors, one right after the other, shooting up his body. Of course, this had Eren panicking within seconds. He readied his phone to dial 911, yet somehow the raven stopped him by reaching out and seizing his ankle, muttering a strained "no".

"Levi, you're seizing up, I can't just-"

And just like that, it ended. The quivering died back down to normal, as did his breathing, and his muscles began to relax one by one.

"J-just a f-flashback," he breathed. "Go back t-to sleep..."

Adrenaline had been flying through Eren's system at that point, and even if it hadn't been, he wouldn't have been able to get any more rest after such an episode. Levi didn't sleep, either, and they ended up turning on a random movie on HBO.

The following two nights - or, rather, times it was appropriate for sleeping; whether it was at night or not was irrelevant - were spent on the bathroom floor for both of them. The first night, Levi was throwing up as much as stomach acid once there was absolutely nothing else in him. Tears streamed down his sullen cheeks and he gripped his sides, muttering to himself past his teeth about how much he wanted to die. Eren remained beside him despite his weak attempts to push him out. The second night was a bit better; he wasn't vomiting but claimed to be so dizzy he couldn't keep his eyes open. Instead of trying to push Eren away, he in fact asked him to stay. Though Eren hadn't intended on leaving him in the first place, it was surprising yet somehow pleasant to hear the request.

The night after that, however, Levi relapsed once more. This time Eren was merely in the kitchen looking for something to eat when he noticed the vacancy of the couch. He was much too late, however. This time the raven was no longer even in the bathroom, but sprawled across his bed. He'd had a razor blade shut away in his fist. Blood dripped from it and stained the sheets. Much to his reluctance, having painful memories associated with an item like that, Eren pried it out of his hand and got rid of it before bandaging his hand - the same one that had smashed the mirror - and the new cuts marking up his biceps. He bit his tongue the whole time, fighting off his own inner demons triggered by the sight of the cuts and all the blood.

"I'm sorry, Eren," Levi mumbled brokenly as he was being bandaged. "I know that means nothing. I keep hurting you. I hate myself so much for it. I'm so sorry..."

In automatic response, Eren forced a smile, from which Levi turned his head and said, "Don't do that. Just...don't."

"What?"

"Don't smile at me like that...like you're trying to pretend everything is okay when in reality nothing is okay...not even remotely close."

And when Eren remained silent, unable to conjure up a response for that, the raven said, "I don't understand how you're still here after all of this. What could possibly keep you here..." He seemed to be pondering to himself out loud.

"I won't let you die, Levi," Eren had told him past tears he hadn't even realized we're falling until Levi caught one with his thumb. "I care about you too much. I know I'm an idiot or whatever for staying here, but I won't abandon you. Not ever."

Levi was quiet after that, even as he stood and went outside for a cigarette despite being high.

The next morning, being Monday, Eren called his mother for the first time in several days. Hearing her voice brought a little more hope back to him. Levi was asleep, so the only reason he had to hold back any detail was to spare triggering her. She reassured him countless times, of course always knowing what to say to make everything alright again. And as she spoke to him about how weird and unpredictable love is, he found himself smiling slightly while he watched the raven sleep, though of course later mentally smacked himself for being such a sap.

He announced to her that morning that he'd officially decided to drop out. She promised to help him make it final, causing him to feel like a baby for needing his mother's help but grateful for it at the same time.

And of course, she brought up his birthday.

"It's just a little over a month away. I have to have ideas for what to get you."

"You don't have to get me anything, Mom."

"Then I'll at least bake you a cake. I know you can't say no to German chocolate."

He smiled until he realized he might not be able to go home and enjoy that cake with his family.

As for Mikasa, she was doing well. Apparently she'd made a new friend named Annie and was too busy with her to talk on the phone at that moment, but Eren passed along his greeting before his phone beeped signaling a low battery and forcing him to hang up.

Once his phone charged, he contacted Armin to let him know his decision, as well. In typical Armin fashion, the blond reminded him he supported his best friend, as well as reminded him to be careful and to remember to consider his own well-being too.

After that, he started putting the official dropping out in order. Levi sat across the room with narrow, disapproving eyes as he did so. Eren merely ignored him and was thankful when the raven said nothing about it later.

On Tuesday, Levi rarely left the bathroom. He had nothing to puke, but he felt the need to nonetheless. Eren couldn't help but hover for fear of another relapse, though his effort was fruitless; Levi used Eren's rumbling stomach as an excuse to be left alone by telling him to get something to eat. Eren complied with reluctance, and as soon as Levi wandered back down the hall, making an obvious effort to keep his steely gaze away from Eren, the teen knew. Wordlessly, he'd set a bowl of soup on the coffee table in front of the drawing artist before sitting down with his own bowl and eating in silence.

~*~

Presently, Eren was dozing off on the couch. Random images were flitting through the backs of his eyelids as he waited for full on sleep.

But that was when he heard it - the whimpering. As much as he would've preferred staying there, ignoring it, and getting some sleep, his better sense took over and he opened his eyes. In the dark, he could just make out Levi's figure curled up on the floor. He appeared much the same as the other night when he claimed to be having a flashback - seizing up, fists holding fast to hair, face buried in knees, noises of pain escaping his lips.

Immediately, Eren threw the blanket off of himself and rushed to the raven's side. His hands fluttered about in a panicky manner; he had no idea what to do.

"L-Levi..." he murmured. He gently place his hands on the man's shoulder blades. Levi gasped, his head snapping up. His face was shiny with tears and sweat, but the look in his eyes was so agonized that Eren felt a twinge of it in his very core.

Levi's breathing hitched and he somehow managed to curl in tighter on himself. Fear and adrenaline taking over Eren, he took the raven's clammy hand and then the other. He somehow managed to coax Levi into a semi-sitting position. Little hiccups were moving in place of his breathing, his eyes unfocused but his hands suddenly clinging to Eren's with strength neither of them knew he had.

"C-come here," Eren whispered. Slowly, he slid his arms around Levi's much too slender torso and pulled him into his lap as gently as possible. Levi didn't fight, but clung to Eren's shirt and buried his face in his shoulder.

"They're gone," he whimpered. "She's gone...she's dead..."

Eren felt his features twisted up in desperation as he held onto the raven, rubbing his back with one hand and smoothing his hair with the other. He felt helpless. All he knew to do was wait until it was over.

He whimpered again. This time, a name.

"Izzy..."

Eyes squeezed shut, Eren rested his forehead atop oily black locks. Levi was quivering so profusely that Eren himself felt as though he was shaking, too. Despite the layers Levi wore - a muscle shirt, two long-sleeved shirts including a turtle neck, and his hoodie, Eren could still feel how scarily thin he was. His hand stilled in the center of his back; he could feel the quickened thrumming of the raven's heart as it tried to keep up with the stress being put upon his body.

Eren's chest squeezed painfully. It hit him just how agonizing this all was for the man he loved. Not only for his body but for his mind and soul, as well. It seemed he was just barely clinging to life, or perhaps sanity. He was fighting so hard...and though even in the deepest corners of his being he despised to admit it, Eren knew it was a losing battle.

Subtly, Levi's whimpers subsided and he relaxed a bit, though made no move away from the teen. Eren could feel moisture soaking through his shirt where Levi's face was pressed but paid it no mind.

And then he began coughing, transferring his face into the crook of his own arm as he retched and shook with each. His other hand remained clutching the teen's shirt. By the time it was over, his entire face was reddened and his cheeks tear streaked. His breathing was auditory through his trachea, wheezing in and out in a struggle. The whites of his eyes were no longer white at all, but so pink they could almost be considered red around the glassy, somber gray irises and pupils.

When he tried to speak, nothing but a choked sound came out. He'd completely lost his voice from all the coughing. Defeated, he let his head fall against Eren's chest, shaking his head ever so slightly.

Eren kept him folded in his embrace, not feeling the need to say anything. He felt defeated as well, but remained outwardly strong for the sake of the other.

"Do you think you can sleep?" Eren whispered into the silence after a while. Levi merely shook his head, sitting up a little. The teen's arms loosened. "What about stand?" Levi half-shrugged. Gently, Eren took his bandaged hand. With adjusted eyes, he could just make out the small stains of blood seeping through the gauze.

"Should probably take a closer look at these," he murmured.

With that, he helped Levi to his feet, keeping a gentle hand upon his waist for support. He led the man who hobbled more than walked down to the bathroom. Once there, Levi sunk down onto the toilet lid and rubbed his sleeve across his face while Eren pulled the medical items from the cabinet. In the mirror, he didn't miss the dark splotch on his left shoulder where Levi's recent tears had soaked in. Chest squeezing again, he retrieved the items and averted his eyes from the mirror.

He held his hand out and waited for Levi to place his own in it. He then carefully began to pull the stained gauze off of it. The cuts on his knuckles were already pretty much healed, but the ones from the razor, though they weren't bleeding anymore, still had a ways to go. Shifting his focus to his task at hand, Eren got to work wetting a washcloth with cool water and gently wiping the dried blood from Levi's palm. He then applied peroxide - something he'd picked up from a short shopping run a few days ago.

When it finished bubbling, he murmured, "I'll leave it unbandaged for now so they can get some air."

Levi's brows furrowed. He whispered, "How do you know all this stuff?"

A small smirk tugged at a corner of Eren's lips. "My dad was a doctor. I picked some stuff up from him when I was younger...y'know, skinning my knees and stuff."

Levi stared at him in shock.

"I know. Hard to believe, right? Because of what happened. But yeah, he was."

The raven didn't miss the flicker of sadness in Eren's tired eyes.

"Sorry," he whispered.

The teen shook his head. "Don't worry about it. And don't whisper. It's bad for your vocal folds."

Levi muttered a 'tch'.

"Can I check your arms, too?"

Levi's Adams apple bobbed nervously as he nodded and began to pull his hoodie over his head, followed by one of the other shirts and then rolling up the sleeves on the other.

The gauze on his biceps were bloodstained, as well. Holding his breath, Eren peeled it off and threw it in the trash with the other. These still trickled blood; they'd been deeper than the ones on his hand. Eren was almost sure he'd have gone down to the muscle beneath the skin had it been any deeper.

"You don't have to-" Levi began but was interrupted by a sharp, "shh!"

Levi never took his eyes off of Eren's face as he worked, applying the cool washcloth and then the peroxide. His brows were knitted together in concentration, his lips slightly pursed. It was evident he was holding his breath. The pain was apparent, as well, in the midst of concentration in pools of seafoam green. Levi wanted nothing more than to erase that pain, though he hadn't an inkling of how to do so. All he could seem to do was hurt the teenager. The amount of hatred and resentment he bore for himself for that seemed infinite.

"That feel okay?" Eren asked after applying a new bandage. Levi nodded as he moved on to the other arm.

This time Levi stared down at his hands, his forearms. Scars and healing cuts similar to the ones Eren was so kindly treating marked them up all over. They were hideous, almost like a personification of his soul itself. There were dark spots, as well, in the places he'd last injected the monster. They weren't something that had occurred before, but he figured it was just a new side effect, perhaps after using for so long. Bluish veins were prominent under his grayish skin, particularly around the newest injection sites.

"Good?" asked Eren again, breaking the junkie out of his thoughts. He nodded once more. Eren began returning the medical supplies to the cabinet. "You should go lay down, even if you can't sleep," he said.

" _You_ need sleep," Levi insisted, pushing himself to his feet using the counter.

"I'll be fine."

Before he could stop the impulse, Levi lifted his uninjured hand and placed it on Eren's cheek, turning his face to be able to see it fully. With narrow eyes, he clicked his tongue.

Eren's eyes became huge and round at the unexpected contact. Levi's hand was freezing, yet somehow it caused a warm tingle on Eren's skin.

"Worry about yourself for once, would you?" muttered the raven. With that, he gently pushed that one strand of hair out of the way and dropped his hand.

"I'll only sleep if you try, too," he replied. "And stop whispering," he tacked on.

Sighing, Levi reached for his clothes and redressed himself the way he was. His head was pounding and he still caught images of his so recent flashback when he blinked. He had neither the strength or the will to argue with the brat, so he nodded.

A few minutes later, he was curled up in bed, staring off into space as he waited for Eren. The teen returned with a couple bottles of water and an extra blanket.

"Need anything else?" he asked before he laid down.

Levi merely pointed at the teen himself. Taking the invitation, he joined the raven, yawning widely in the process. It was sort of unspoken between them, as Eren made himself comfortable and then opened his arms and Levi willingly moved into them, that the ice seemed to be broken and they were more comfortable this way than hours earlier. Truth be told, Levi felt safe in those arms, and somehow being protected by Eren's embrace made everything a little more bearable. It was another human thing he was surprised to suddenly be feeling...the need for physical comfort. He hadn't hugged anyone in years. In fact, thinking back, he never really allowed himself to be embraced by or to embrace another since he was a small child.

And of course, he needed the warmth as well. The only time he was remotely warm was being wrapped up in three or four different blankets, wearing several layers, and holding a cup of hot tea. Even then he felt chilled.

But Eren...his body was like a furnace compared to his own. It was warm all over, particularly in the crevices such as under his arm, where Levi's shoulder was tucked, and beneath his chin where his head was tucked. He hadn't been this comfortable in ages. Hadn't felt safer or, admittedly, more loved than he did lying there, curled up next to the body of the one who loved him for reasons he still could not fathom.

And, as Eren's breathing deepened into a soft rhythm as he drifted off into a calm slumber, his eyelashes resting delicately against his smooth brown cheeks, all traces of pain and worry vacant from his features, Levi had also never felt like more of a monster. Everything he'd done in the past couple of weeks had hurt the chocolate-haired teenager in one way or another. He continued to take from him and he knew it, further damaging his spirit and injecting his own kind of poison into his life. No matter how hard he tried to prevent him more pain, he felt he only continued to inflict damage.

'If only I'd never chosen this life,' he thought. 'If only we'd met under different circumstances. If only I wasn't such a fucking demon...'

Yet in the midst of these thoughts, he was still too selfish to remove himself from Eren's arms. Back in December, he had resolved to never lay another tainted hand on the purity that was Eren Jaeger.

'How feeble was that?' he thought bitterly. 'And I say his attempts are feeble...'

Slowly, Levi let his eyelids slide closed. With concentration, he managed to match his rhythm of breathing with Eren's. It hurt, the air pulling in and out of his lungs so much slower, so much more deeply than usual. But pain was nothing new to him, and for a moment he wanted to be strong, to find a reason to give Eren to keep believing in him and assure him that maybe, just maybe, he could get through this and manage to live and remain himself. His only reason for wanting that anymore was for the very life pressed against his cold ear. Otherwise, he knew the world didn't need him, or in fact would be better off without him. Alex could stop worrying. Reiner could find a better artist. And who else did he really have? His dealer? He would find others, make better money. They could give the apartment to someone more deserving.

Eren was his sole reason, but he was more than enough. For this bright eyed, dopey, stubborn, beautiful, idiotic brat, he would keep breathing, keep his heart beating for as long as he could. He owed the brat that much, at the very least.


	25. *~Chapter Twenty Four~*

"So...I have to go over to the college and finalize my dropping out..." the teen was telling the artist the next morning. Levi stared blankly into his tea cup, saying nothing. "And I have to do it today..." Eren continued cautiously. "I'm not sure how long it'll take, so I don't want to make you wait in the car, but..."

"It's fine." Levi's eyes slid closed so he wouldn't have to see Eren's expression. "I don't have enough for another hit, anyway. You can go."

"A-are you sure?" Admittedly, the teen wasn't too fond of the idea of leaving Levi alone, even for just a few hours and despite the fact that, inevitably, he was running low on his drug.

"Yeah."

Eren pursed his lips in thought. Levi was absolutely in no condition to drive, he was certain, and he decided he trusted the raven enough not to try. If anything, this could be an experiment to see how well Levi really was doing, to find out if he could handle himself on his own at all.

Eren moved to retrieve his keys, jacket and wallet from his bag. Pulling the jacket over his shoulders, he said, "Promise you won't try anything stupid?"

Slowly, Levi's lids peeled open, his tired gray orbs meeting Eren's as he considered his answer. Finally, he said, "Yeah, I promise."

A smile spread across Eren's face as he headed toward the door. Levi's breath caught in his throat at the sight.

"I'll try not to take too long, alright?"

Levi spared merely a nod before Eren exited the apartment, leaving nothing but a waft of cold air in his wake. Shakily, he set his tea cup on the coffee table and curled up in his nest of blankets. The only sound was of the television set to a channel with some crime show and the volume turned low. In the midst of the quiet, his mind went blank and his eyes unfocused.

And then he realized what he was staring at.

His car keys.

They rested in the center of the coffee table, one of them glinting in the sun shining in between the blinds. Next to them was his wallet. They beckoned him to use them. His body plead from the inside, the burning and aching and shaking suddenly amplified. Again, his mind went into overdrive. He imagined himself swiping the items off the table, heading down the stairs and hopping in his car for a quick five to ten minute drive. The brat was gone. The monster was running low. It would be so easy...

Slowly, he shed his blankets and stood up. He crossed the room and peeked down into the parking lot. Eren's car was just turning out of the exit. A left turn. His trip would go the opposite way. So easy...

Before he could argue with himself, his hands were seizing the wallet and keys from the table and his feet were being shoved into a random pair of shoes in the entryway as if his conscience had made the decision for him.

Twenty minutes, no more, and he would be back. Eren would never know he'd left.

That was the last thought before he yanked the door open and stepped out into the cold air, pulling it closed behind him and flying down the stairs without bothering to lock anything.

~*~

The world was a blur to unfocused, intoxicated eyes. They stared straight ahead, sideways at a watery version of the brown cabinet, one side still slightly hanging open. Little dark spots pulsated in front of it from the pumping in the blood vessels of his eyes. The pain was gone, he breathed easier, his muscles were relaxed. But he felt anything but normal - not in the slightest and, try as he might, he couldn't pinpoint what was wrong.

Guilt? No, that hadn't settled in yet, likely because the teenager had yet to return.

A lack of food? Possibly, but he'd never felt this empty from not having eaten in a while. Besides, this emptiness felt deeper, more emotional than physical.

Empty. Yeah, that was it. The monster was present but at the same time it wasn't. Instead of sitting back and observing, making snide comments and finding new flaws to point out, it remained silent.

_Weird..._

Levi let his eyes fall closed. The pulse pulling the venom through his veins was still visible, now blue instead of gray. His fingers drummed lightly on the tile, his other fingers beginning to tingle as their circulation was cut off by his head using his upper arm as a pillow. He didn't mind. It was nothing.

He was unaware of how much time passed before he heard the click of the doorknob down the hall and his body suddenly went into overdrive. That sound meant one of two things - either Alex had decided to pay a visit or Eren was back. The raven suspected the latter. His heart picked up the pace and he shoved himself into a sitting position. The door audibly swung open and then shut, accompanied by the sound of shoes hitting the tile floor of the entryway as they were kicked off.

"Levi?" called that irresistibly smooth baritone.

Swallowing hard, Levi stood up. His eyes automatically avoided his reflection and he turned to the door, placing one hand on the cool knob and the other on the light switch to push it into the off position. The light disappeared but his heart continued to fly, his stomach continued to flutter. Suddenly the emptiness was gone.

_'He's all you've got. No surprise he's what makes you feel alive.'_ An amused chuckle followed the hollow voice of the monster.

Teeth gritting, Levi placed his hands in his pocket and stepped out into the dim hallway. Eren was at the other end. He stopped midstep upon seeing the shorter man emerge. The following minute of silence seemed to last a heavy eternity. The brunet was the one to break it.

"You left..." he murmured, eyes - still bright despite little light in the apartment - fixated on Levi.

"I understand if you're upset," he replied in his rasp, such a contrast from Eren's smooth articulation that had him never wanting to speak again. He continued anyway. "I broke my p-promise."

"I'm more upset that you drove than anything. That was reckless."

"Hn, _that's_ what you're worried about? Nice. I'm surprised you aren't angry because you just went and did that for nothing."

"It wasn't for nothing," countered the teen. "It's my fault for leaving you alone. I know this is hard for you."

'That's an understatement,' thought Levi bitterly. The guilt started to emerge. "Stop blaming yourself for everything. We wouldn't even be in this situation if I-" The raven stopped mid-sentence, his teeth clamping together with an audible snap and his fists clenching in his hoodie pocket. Another small, quiet eternity passed, and again Eren broke it.

"I've seen it, Levi...what's under the sink." Immediately, Levi's brows furrowed; anger began to bubble up. "The wax and all the blood." This time Eren's voice wasn't so steady, and he had trouble meeting the raven's gaze, which he narrowed to a glare. "I know it wasn't my place nor my business, so we both have something to be angry with each other about." And just like that, the anger disintegrated, turned to dust and blew away. "I'm not angry at you, but you have every right to be angry at me."

At that point, Levi had no idea how the guilt wasn't swallowing him whole. He could see the desperation simply in Eren's stature that uncannily mirrored his own - hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket and his shoulders curled forward in insecurity, though his eyes were on the floor rather than staring back into Levi's.

"No," the raven murmured, moving around him to take a seat on the couch, as his legs were ready to give out at any second. "I'm not mad at you," he said honestly. "I just can't understand how you aren't."

Eren joined him on the sofa, his expression much easier to read in the light of the living room. He truly wasn't angry. If he was, it would've shown in those endless pools of green, just as most of his emotions did. "I'm not going to be mad about a decision you made for yourself. It's not my place. Upset, yes. Angry...no."

"Upset...yeah, you should be. This is yet another wound I've inflicted upon you...that seems to be something I'm making a terrible habit of."

Eren's Adams apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. "You shouldn't blame yourself for everything, either."

Levi pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them securely. "I'm detrimental, Eren. I know that. How can I not?"

Eren reached out and took both of Levi's hands, placed his palms together, and sandwiched them between his own, partially for comfort and partially for warmth. The raven stared down at them. The warmth felt nice and Eren's hands were impossibly soft. "No, Levi, you're-"

Levi withdrawing his hands from between Eren's was what cut the sentence off.

"Don't...don't do that," he mumbled, swallowing hard himself. For some reason the contact made him feel sick, but not because of Eren. Because of himself. Because he knew every touch would further spread his wickedness into Eren's soul. He hated that more than anything. An expression of emotional agony plastered onto his face, Levi began to stand up with the intention of getting some tea. A familiar warm hand wrapped around his own again, however, stopping him and even pulling his fragile body back onto the cushions. Eren stared into his eyes very seriously. Under that gaze, he felt completely exposed.

"Would you just listen to me for a second?" he asked, voice raising a little. Levi stared at him in shock. "Not everything you touch becomes tainted, Levi, and that includes me. Getting angry about any kind of setback isn't going to get us anywhere. I know things are rough and that we aren't the strongest people in the world. I won't even try to imagine the kind of agony you've been going through. And maybe I'm an idiot for it in your eyes at least, but I'm here. I'm not gonna let you drown. You have a chance to beat this. I _know_ you do. You have that fight in your heart. I've seen it in your eyes. You just have to find it, but you don't have to be alone while you do. I'm just...trying to understand as best I can. All I want is to see you smile. Genuinely."

Levi was speechless, staring wide-eyed at the teenager in front of him. A hurricane of emotions twisted through him. Disbelief. Uncertainty. Fear. Hope. Trust. Love. In the midst of his intoxication, it was troubling to attempt to make sense of them. All he knew for certain was the pure sincerity of Eren's words and how they touched his very soul. Again this brat had gotten to him, opened him up and crawled inside, twisting up his mentality and changing the way he looked at the world, though only just slightly. By opening him up, he let the light in as well. With light came hope, and scary and foreign as it may have been to the raven, he began to believe that maybe there really was a way out.

His breath caught in his throat, thick with emotions, and his hand rose to his face to cover it. He didn't want to cry again. He was already weak enough, so he forced the tears back. His fingers curled around Eren's, holding as tightly as he possibly could.

"You're a brat," he mumbled, the thickness of his throat evident in his voice. "Opening that shitty mouth of yours and changing the way I think. Who do you think you are?" He felt Eren's hand tense. Slowly, his own lowered, revealing his face to the brunet once more. "No matter how strong the monster is you always find a way to kick its ass..." He shook his head.

Eren's face softened into something of a smile. He took the raven's hands between his once more and rubbed them gently, sharing his warmth.

"I told you it wasn't for nothing," he pointed out. "Now you should eat while you can."

Levi was prepared to argue. The last thing he wanted was food, but looking into Eren's oceanic eyes he found he couldn't reject the offer.

'Jesus hell, I can't even say no to the littlest things...'

Eren's dopey smile widened when he heard Levi's stomach rumble and he stood to head toward the kitchen.

Not long after the sun disappeared behind the western horizon, the monster departed and Levi's body almost immediately reacted. He'd been sitting on the couch sketching at random while Eren showered when the shaking hit, followed closely by incessant chills over the entirety of his body. Goosebumps rose across his flesh and his teeth knocked together over and over. In an attempt to be rid of it, he placed his sketchbook on the table and reached for the nearest blanket - one Eren had been using - to wrap around himself. Despite cocooning himself inside of it, he couldn't shake the chills. They reached the very tips of his fingers and toes and soon he couldn't tell if his constant tremors were due to the normal shaking or shivering as his body attempted to regenerate its heat.

Eren came down the hall not long after and immediately noticed the excess shaking of the man. He was on the couch near the door wrapped up so only his eyes could be seen, and they were squeezed tightly shut. Frowning, Eren quickly crossed the room.

"What's the matter?" he inquired softly.

The raven's eyes opened. "I'm f-fucking f-freezing," he stammered past the chattering of his teeth.

The teen sunk down onto the cushions next to him. He retrieved another blanket and worked on wrapping Levi in it as well before turning the heat up on the thermostat.

"Want some tea?" he offered, figuring the heat of the liquid would help as well. Levi merely shook his head, attempting to bury himself deeper into the blankets.

Eren chewed his lip in worry and thought, brainstorming ways to perhaps warm the man up. Instead his brain brought up a memory of a time he'd been sick with the flu back when he was nine or so. His body temperature had nearly sky rocketed to at least 101°, though he remembered almost freezing his toes off. His mother had wrapped him in several blankets to attempt to break the fever, though he didn't remember if it had worked.

A fever was a definite possibility for Levi, though he knew from rummaging through the medicine cabinets in the bathroom that he didn't own a thermometer. He knew of only one other way to find out for sure.

"Do you mind if I check something?" he asked.

"Will it w-warm me up?"

"Well...maybe..."

"I'll t-try anyth-thing..."

"You're gonna have to come out of there a little."

Levi sat up a bit and the blankets covering his head slipped off, messing up his hair in the process. Eren leaned forward a bit, inspecting the raven's face.

"Don't freak out, okay? I'm just checking to see if you have a fever."

Levi did nothing more than frown in mild confusion. He had no time to respond further before Eren's impossibly soft lips were pressed tenderly to the center of his forehead. A small gasp drew in through his own lips simultaneous with an electric thrill shooting throughout his body, seemingly radiating from that contact. It only lasted a second and Eren was leaning back, a thoughtful look in his features. Levi's heart was fluttering like the wings of a butterfly, his stomach doing strange acrobatic flips and twists.

"I don't think you have a fever," said Eren. "But you don't feel cold, either."

The only way Levi could think to respond was to push his hand beyond the blankets and touch his icy fingertips to Eren's bare arm. He jumped in surprise.

"Shit, you are cold."

"Told you," Levi muttered, withdrawing his hand.

Eren chewed on his lip some more; Levi found himself watching and longing to do that himself. He quickly buried the desire.

"I...I have an idea," Eren admitted. "But whether you're up for it or not..."

"I said I'd d-do anything."

There was no mistaking the slight flush of Eren's cheeks as he reached back to scratch his neck. His eyes remained averted as he said, "I can share my body heat...if you want..."

"You d-don't have t-to do that..."

"I want to. I mean, if you're okay with it. It might be ideal...if you're that cold..."

In the slight pause that followed, the awkwardness was so thick in the air that they both felt like they were breathing it in.

"Wh-whatever w-works," stuttered the raven, another shiver taking over. He practically looked like he was vibrating and Eren knew those blankets were doing him no good, seeing as he had very little body heat to warm them up himself with.

"Then come here," said Eren, opening his arms.

Levi couldn't help but practically dive into those arms, the heat being irresistible to his below temperature body. They worked with the blankets to wrap both their bodies in them and the smaller of the two curled himself against the larger's side, pressing his frozen fingers to his thigh. His head rested in the crook of Eren's neck while his legs were pulled up, pressing himself closer to the warmth. At that point he could think of nothing but ridding his fatigued, undernourished body of the cold that he didn't think about being so close, almost affectionate with this teenager. Eren, on the other hand, felt like his blood had been electrified and every place his body was in contact with Levi's radiated heat. Inside his ribs his heart pounded; there was no way Levi couldn't hear it, or at least feel it.

"Better?" he asked, forcing himself to remain outwardly cool.

"A little. Sorry about this."

"Don't worry about it. It's what I'm here for."

"Tch..."

Beneath the blankets, Eren's fingers searched for Levi's. He took them and began to gently rub his clammy hands, willing the warmth into them.

"Wanna watch a movie or something?" asked the teen after a while. Levi merely shrugged. Eren grabbed the remote off the table and switched the TV on.

"What's that one movie about the kids who kill each other?" asked Levi.

"Uh...what?"

"You know...something about being hungry..."

Eren snorted. "You mean _The Hunger Games_?"

"Yeah, that one. Let's watch that."

Chuckling under his breath, Eren went in search of the movie, still absently rubbing Levi's fingers with the opposite hand. Once found, he clicked play and set the remote aside. The opening credits began and they settled in to watch.

"That's pleasant," muttered the raven sarcastically at the part where the little sister was screaming her lungs out.

"Only goes downhill from here," Eren responded, smirking.

"Jesus, does she ever _not_ scream?" he commented when she was calling for her older sister, being carried away.

He continued to make snide comments as the movie progressed.

"He looks like an asshole." About Gale.

"A pink dog? Really? That's animal cruelty if you ask me."

"Wow, what the fuck is up with that lady's hair?" About Effie.

"That's creepy as hell..." About Caesar's smile.

"This is gonna be one of those shitty love triangle things, I can tell."

"I think she's about to shit herself." Effie again.

"Him, too." Haymitch.

His comments were ironically amusing to the chocolate haired teen who found himself grinning idiotically. Ironic because _The Hunger Games_ was actually one of Eren's favorites; it was one his mother and he had gone to see as well as the following movies in the series. They'd spent long amounts of time discussing it even though they knew what happened from reading the books and irritated Mikasa to no end because she was behind. Levi managed to turn it into a screwed up comedy rather than a dystopia in a few simple sentences.

They'd gotten to the part where the tributes were just being released into the arena when Eren noticed Levi had gotten real quiet. Looking down, he found his eyes remained open and fixed on the screen, but his lips were pressed together in a hard line and he'd removed one hand from Eren's to grip his stomach.

"What's wrong?" asked Eren, worry automatically rising up, his mind already working for reactions for any of the number of things it could've been.

"Bucket," Levi managed to choke out before his other hand flew to his mouth, taking the blankets with. Eren dove for the bucket beneath the table and had it under Levi's chin in two seconds flat, just in time for the raven's body to heave harshly and vomit the contents of his stomach into it. Somehow, the teen had the mind to reach over and jab his finger into the pause button. As normal, Levi's body heaved until there was nothing left inside him. Eren rubbed his bony back gently, murmuring reassurances.

"Ow," he mumbled once it was over. Eren quickly removed the bucket from his lap, keeping his own eyes away from the contents of it. Thin fingers ran through stringy hair; the sound of labored breathing the only thing filling the silence of the apartment.

"Bathroom," he breathed after a minute.

"Can you stand?"

Levi nodded once. Eren removed the bucket from his hands and stood up himself to help Levi to his feet. He clutched the side of Eren's shirt as they made their way down the hall. Once in the bathroom, he immediately brushed his teeth three times while Eren worked on washing out the bucket.

"Sorry to make you do that," mumbled Levi, head leaning against the mirror as he stared down at his trembling hands at the scarring from the razorblade.

Eren ignored that. "You should probably lay down."

"No," croaked Levi. "Let's finish the movie."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

They made their way back to the living room, positioning themselves in essentially the same way as before. Levi gripped Eren's fingers with his clammy ones as tight as he could while the rest of his muscles spasmed beyond his control.

"I really think you should just lay down..."

"That won't make any d-difference."

"But-"

"Just play the movie, Jaeger," he ordered.

Pressing his lips together, Eren tapped the play button and the movie resumed. Levi ceased commenting; it was apparent to the teen he was working on staying still as possible and gradually, his muscles relaxed.

His next scoff came when Rue died.

"Hn, saw that coming from a mile away."

Eren said nothing. It took the raven a minute to catch on to his tense vibe and he looked up to find the brunet's face streaked with tears.

Blinking in surprise he asked, "Are you seriously crying?"

"No," Eren mumbled, hastily wiping his hand across his face.

"Tch. You're a nerd."

"Shut up. You have to admit it's sad."

Levi transferred his gaze back to the screen, eyes narrow. For some reason watching that little girl die reminded him of his own little sister and his body tensed. He said nothing and forced himself to concentrate on nothing but what was happening in the movie.

Eren hadn't noticed his prolonged silence until the film was nearly over. He glanced down to find the artist had fallen asleep with his head resting comfortably on Eren's collarbone. His raspy breathing had evened out considerably and for once, he looked peaceful. Unaware of the fond smile on his lips, Eren tucked the blankets more securely around him, careful not to wake him, and finished the movie. A while later, he was flipping through the channels, not quite tired enough to sleep, when he heard the jostling of the doorknob to his right. Tensing, he muted the TV and balled his fists. Mind racing, he prepared to grab Levi and run or defend. His strategizing was needless, however, for when the door cracked open he found it to merely be the raven's cotton candy headed sister.

"Jesus Christ, Alex," he breathed, muscles relaxing but heart still pounding. "You scared me half to death."

"Sorry," she said as she shut the door behind her and kicked her shoes off. Eren pressed his finger to his lips, indicating for her to be quiet. That was when she spotted her sleeping brother and her brown eyes widened. She soundlessly padded into the living room, keeping her eyes solely on Levi, and inspected what she could see of him. His condition had only worsened since she'd last seen him.

"Oh god," she whispered, sinking down into the coffee table as if her knees gave out at the mere sight of him.

Even in the dim light of the television, she could see the curves of his skull itself as the skin clung close to it. His eyes were rimmed with gray and he was a much sicklier pale than he'd been a couple weeks ago. She could hear the struggle it took his body just to remain breathing, even as he slept.

"He'll probably wake up if you keep gawking at him like that," murmured the teen. Blinking, she managed to tear her gaze from him and move it to Eren's much healthier features, though he looked exhausted and even sported dark circles beneath his eyes as well. He'd become slightly thinner, too. Still, his eyes held life, hope, and determination.

"Um, no offense or anything, but what are you doing here so late?"

"I work the evening shift...and something told me to pay you two a visit as soon as possible. I'm sorry for not giving you any warning, but it wasn't a feeling easily ignored."

"Oh. Well, I'd wake him up...but he hardly sleeps as it is..."

Alex merely nodded, eyeing her younger sibling again. "He's gotten worse."

Eren's face fell immediately. "I know. I've been watching it happen."

Alex's next words were steady despite holding so much pain. "He's dying, isn't he?"


	26. *~Chapter Twenty Five~*

Eren hung his head and let his hair conceal his eyes. "He's fighting," he murmured.

"But..." she prompted.

"But..." He gulped. "...he's losing."

Nodding slightly, Alex slid her hands between her thighs, eyes dropped to the floor. She had nothing to say, which was unusual for her, but she felt she had no right to speak.

"I'm trying, Alex," Eren continued. "I've been watching him deteriorate right before my eyes and I'm trying so hard to do whatever I can. But he's stubborn even though he's got to be in an impossible amount of pain. I feel like I'm failing, and I feel like my time is running out... _his_ time..."

A dry, sarcastic laugh escaped Alex's throat. "He's such a dumbass," she whispered. "He always sugarcoats it. He says he can handle it when he knows he can't, but he's scared."

"How do you know that?"

Her lashes flickered. "Past experiences," she put simply. It made sense that she wouldn't say anything specifically; she didn't know what Eren knew, and for some reason he felt compelled to keep it that way.

"You have to talk him into rehabilitation," she continued. "It's the only way. We both know he can't do this on his own."

Eren nodded slightly. "I know. But you know...he doesn't listen to reason."

"If he did, he wouldn't be in this situation," she muttered. "I bet he thinks I don't care or even that I detest him...but in reality I've never been so scared." Alex's eyes became shinier under the light of the glowing television, but she shed no tears. "He's my only family, too. I know I've got Reiner and his family has accepted me with open arms, but as for blood...Levi is all I have left. I don't know what I'd do if I'd lost him and I can't help but feel immensely guilty for being absent when he needed someone. I've...I've failed him as a sister."

"I think it would mean a lot to him to know you care," Eren replied, "even though there's no way he'd show you any kind of gratitude."

"Believe me, I know. Just...try to get him there as quickly as you can, okay? Before it's too late for him. Please."

"I intend to."

Beneath Eren's, Levi's fingers twitched and his breathing hitched lightly, eyebrows pulling together a bit in his sleep. He was clearly dreaming, though whether it was good or bad was impossible to tell.

"He must really trust you to fall asleep on you like that," Alex said a while later, a small smile forming on her dark lips.

"Well, I dunno...I mean he was cold...so I shared my body heat...that's really it..."

Alex shook her head, smile full on now. "One thing you should know about my brother is that he doesn't trust easily at all, and he almost never likes to accept help from anyone. He's not affectionate, either. You're an exception in a lot of ways that I don't think I'll be able to fathom...having grown up with him and all."

Eren felt the blood rise to his face, surely turning it into that vibrant rosy color he hated, as it gave away his embarrassment and made it next to impossible to lie. Flattery wasn't something he experienced much and this feeling was more humbling than anything. Alex was surely the person who knew the man he loved best and he sensed that she wasn't just saying these things for shits and giggles. She was a very genuine person. Having something like that come from her was almost like it was coming from the tattoo artist himself. It caused his stomach to flutter pleasantly.

"You love him, too," she said smoothly. It wasn't a question; it was apparent she somehow just knew.

"Well, I mean..."

"Don't be so modest. I'm glad you do. He needs love in his life...to be loved. By the way he's practically drooling on you, I'd say he's accepted it."

Eren let his eyes wander over the raven's face. His face appeared less peaceful than before, but still, he seemed almost content.

"Can you tell me honestly, Eren, how he is? The details. What's he been going through?"

Absently stroking the back of Levi's hand - finally considerably warmer - fidgeting the way he did when he was nervous, Eren said, "I don't know if you want to hear that."

"I can take it. I merely want the truth."

Eren hesitated, unsure if Alex really could take it. She stared him down, though, with a look in her eyes that reminded him of Levi. So he concluded to tell her.

"Well," he began, and drew in a deep breath. "He's relapsed about six times since I got here. He only goes about a day and a half before it happens again. And his withdrawals start immediately once the high is gone. He constantly shakes and he can barely eat. He throws up quite often, or his body tries to even if there's nothing there. His muscles will spasm or he'll get bad aches in them from no physical trauma. I know that his lungs and trachea are probably past raw from all the coughing he does. He's nauseous more than not. And he only sleeps for a few hours at a time about every fifteen hours or so, maybe a few more..." He purposely neglected to tell her about the cutting and flashbacks.

"And the cigarettes?"

"Those are fewer and further between, which is good...but it isn't much compared to everything else. He only goes when he feels he can stand up for a few minutes."

Alex's face was expressionless, emotionless, causing her to resemble her brother more.

"Will you allow me to thank you, Eren?"

"Wh-what do you mean?"

"Just thank you for being here for him. That's all."

"I'm just doing what's right for someone I care about. You don't have to thank me."

"Yes I do. And this won't be the last time, no matter what happens." The woman stood, eyes transferring back to Levi's sleeping face. "Anyway, I should get going before I get too tired to drive."

"Maybe you should crash here for the night," the teen suggested. "If you're tired, I mean."

Smirking, Alex said, "I don't think it would do any good for my baby brother to wake up and find me here. Thanks, though." She proceeded down the hall where she snatched a few things from her otherwise untouched room and then grabbed her shoes.

"Give me a call in a few days. Don't forget I'm still holding you to your promise," she reminded him.

"I haven't forgotten."

"Take care, Eren."

He merely nodded before she stepped out of the door, and he didn't miss the expression of sadness plastering her features as she gave Levi one last glace.

~*~

_He'd been here before. Several times. Once in reality and countless in dreams, flashbacks, and simply remembering. And every time he re-experienced this, it gave him the same sick, dreadful, ominous feeling that tended to linger for days on end. No matter how much he fought in his mind to change it, to stop himself from driving down to that hospital, to the riverbank, it proved futile every time._

_He remembered lying in his bed wasting time, listening to music at a dangerously high volume. He remembered the rainstorm; how it shook the house and rattled the windows. He remembered the call from thee police officer, saying it was urgent. He remembered the drive to the hospital, feeling absurdly dreadful yet sickeningly curious at the same time. He remembered what the police officer told him had happened._

_"At approximately 3:30 this afternoon, the driver of a silver SUV lost control of her vehicle in the rainstorm and drove into the south side of Maria River. She had one other passenger with her and I'm afraid neither occupant survived."_

_He'd known right away it was his mother, but he remembered praying to the stars, the moon, a higher power, even a god he didn't believe in that the other passenger wasn't her, wasn't her, wasn't his Izzy..._

_"We need you to identify their bodies before we can proceed with proper procedure."_

_He was led into a room where two bodies, vacant of souls, and therefore life, laid on tables covered by sheets. One was much smaller than the other yet still he found himself hoping, such a futile thing..._

_"Can you identify these two females?" asked a doctor, pulling the sheets down to reveal only their faces._

_Immediately, Levi's eyes widened and bile rose up in his throat. He stared for a long, long time without saying a thing. He remembered feeling his world crashing to pieces at that moment. He remembered feeling impossibly alone, abandoned, agonized. Suddenly, nothing seemed to matter anymore. Life seemed pointless. The one reason he had for living up until that point had left him, too, just like everything seemingly good to enter his life did..._

_His prayers had been pointless, of course. The body on the left - long dark hair and features considerably closely resembling his own proved to be his mother. But she wasn't the reason his heart had shattered._

_No, it was the one on the right, with the stringy red hair and soft cheeks that should've been rosy and warm but were instead pale, sunken, cold._

_Later it felt stupid, he remembered, but he'd fallen to his knees and buried his face in his hands. He'd eventually managed to tell the doctor their names and his relation to them, and he remembered they'd never stopped apologizing and attempting to reassure him it would be okay. He remembered knowing it wouldn't, and he'd left not long after to get away from them._

_Alex had found him, of course, sitting in the rain that had picked back up, in the soggy grass next to that river. He'd been staring at the rushing water for a good half hour before her warm hand on his shoulder snapped him out of it and coaxed him to a car. He remembered considering jumping into that stream himself a few times._

_Alex hadn't shed a single tear, and neither had he. He knew all along it was because he was too weak to, too hurt. But Alex never cried, or she at least never let anyone see her._

_Many of the present scars marking up his forearms came from that night as he sat in a hot bath, twirling the razorblade between his nimble fingers, watching the light glint off of it before pressing it into his skin, watching the blood ooze up and feel the sting of each - a release in a way, punishment in another. The blood dripped and tinted the water and eventually he showered to get the stains of it off of his pale skin. He hadn't bothered to bandage them, hadn't really cared enough to._

_And from then on, everything had been different. To the very present day, he could still feel the pain like it was brand new of the loss of his little sister. And in a way, his mother, he supposed. It wasn't something that would ever go away._

~*~

Levi woke with a start, his body jolting upright and a gasp dragging in between his clenched teeth. His arms wrapped tightly around his stomach.

"Levi...?" came a sleepy voice from behind him.

The raven had trouble finding his voice. He merely shook his head as he internally reached out in search of reality.

Eren watched worriedly as his small body shook violently. Cautiously, he reached out.

"Flashback?" he whispered.

Again, Levi shook his head. As soon as Eren's fingers made contact with his shoulder, he flinched and turned, the so recent dream having him expecting to see his sister rather than the emerald-eyed teen. When it was that soft face he laid eyes on, he was able to relax a little.

"Sorry," he managed to mutter, sitting up and running his fingers through his hair.

"Don't be. What happened?"

"B-bad dream. You can go back to sleep."

Unsurprisingly, Eren ignored that and sat up himself. "Wanna talk about it?"

"No," Levi snapped. "I just want to forget it." Of course he knew that wasn't going to happen. Without the monster, that memory would always be prominent in his mind no matter how hard he tried to forget.

"Okay," Eren murmured. "Just try and relax."

Slowly, Levi allowed his body to sink back against the couch once more. Eren watched him with careful eyes. The raven focused on steadying his breathing and regaining control of his thoughts.

"S-sorry for...waking you..." he mumbled and then coughed.

"Stop apologizing," said the teen. "I think you should try and go back to sleep."

Levi said nothing. Truthfully, he didn't want to go back to sleep, let alone shut his eyes in fear that the nightmare would reoccur. Still, he humored Eren, feeling the slightest bit guilty for needlessly having woken him up. So he curled back up against the furnace that was the brunet in comparison to his own cool body and let the teen find slumber again while he stared blankly into the darkness, wishing to the god he didn't believe in that his baby sister was still alive.

_*~Attempted Recovery Journal Entry #3~*_

_Again I am ruthlessly reminded of the tragedy which pulled me to the brink and over the edge of my addiction. She was the light of my life for such a short time and still, years later, I can feel the pain of her loss as if it were brand new._

_She was my little sister. She understood me better than anyone and had been the only hope I had left. It seemed so easy for fate to take her away from me. Too easy. Yes, she was sick but she never even got to live her life, never got to experience the world._

_But who am I to talk? I chose the path of oblivion that would revoke me of my chance, too. In the end, perhaps it was better for her innocent soul so she would never had to experience her brother the drug addict and the suffering that would have come with it along with her own issues._

_Still, I am a selfish pig. I continue to blame the universe for ripping her away from me, ripping away the only thing I truly loved. For so long I've begged the god I don't believe in to bring her back to me, selfishly hoping that one day I would meet her again._

_I know I won't. She is in a much better place now than where I'm going once death decides to consume me._

_..._

_Somehow I think I've found the light again. It's different, but a light nonetheless. It's given me a reason to fight again, a reason to hope. Not a replacement. No. Never a replacement. But perhaps something even stronger. Something I've been waiting for for a long, long time._

_And maybe, my dear Isabel, because of him you can someday forgive me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the way I shaped Levi and Isabel's relationship in this tbh. More of that will come in later chapters ;)
> 
> And just a heads up: This fic will be split into two parts; I'll put it in a series and it'll just be titled _Crack of Sunlight: Part Two_. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, guys, and I just want you to know that even if I don't reply, I do read and love all your comments ♥


	27. *~Chapter Twenty Six~*

A few days passed and inevitably with them, another relapse with the building up of cabin fever in both the occupants of the apartment, particularly the teenager. On a positive note, Eren deemed Levi's cuts healed enough to remove the bandages for good, but that was the only thing to speak for.

Presently, Eren wandered aimlessly and restlessly around, looking for things to keep his hands occupied, but to no avail. Levi resided on the couch, the only noise being the scratching of his pencil across the paper of his sketchbook. Eventually, his fist closed around the utensil and his eyes darted up to the teen who was, once again, rounding the corner from the kitchen.

"Would you sit the hell down, Jaeger? You're making me dizzy."

Eren huffed as he plopped down onto the opposite couch, mumbling an apology. He glanced almost longingly toward the window where the sun was sinking lower in the sky.

"You don't have to be here, you know," Levi murmured in a much softer tone. He kept his gray eyes fixed on whatever he was drawing and continued to sketch as he spoke.

Eren remained quiet. Of course he knew that, but there was still no way he was about to abandon Levi. He had the feeling the raven was close to his breaking point, close to deciding he needed and wanted more help than what Eren could offer.

"Such a stubborn brat," he said under his breath.

Eren merely sent him a semi smug half grin, which he softly _tch-ed_ at and transferred his focus back to the page in front of him.

Eren fidgeted with his shirt as he stared absently out the window and let his thoughts wander.

"I have an idea," he said a while after Levi had set his sketchbook down and curled up into a ball, staring at nothing while his body shook. He raised a questioning brow. "I think it would do us both some good to get out of here for a while," Eren continued. "I know where we can go. It's nowhere public or anything, if you're up for it."

"Where?"

"I'll leave it a surprise."

Levi shoved himself into a sitting position. "Let's go, then."

Eren blinked in mild surprise. "Seriously?"

"I'm just as tired of sitting around here as you are."

Not ten minutes later, they were descending the stairs toward the parking lot. The weather had warmed up considerably from the winter storms and the last of the snow had melted. The air was still slightly chilly, but really nothing they couldn't handle.

Stepping away from that building almost immediately gave Eren the sense of freedom. He pointed his nose upward and inhaled the fresh air, enjoying the way it expanded his lungs and eased his cabin fever.

By the time they made it to the car and got in, Levi's trembling had kicked up vigorously and he fumbled to shut the door. Observing this, Eren said, "Maybe this isn't such a good idea..."

"I'm fine," insisted the raven. "I can handle it."

"Okay, but if it gets to be too much..."

"Just drive, Eren."

Swiftly, Eren complied, shoving his keys into the ignition and twisting. The car sparked to life and he revved it a few times to help warm it up.

In truth, Levi wasn't sure he could handle this. Merely walking down the stairs had him winded and his muscles twitching uncomfortably. But he hadn't missed the blissful look on Eren's face as soon as he took a breath of the fresh air. He had no intention of ruining the little bit of happiness Eren had found, whether he could handle it or not. He would force himself to endure it no matter what.

As Eren backed out of the parking space, Levi slid something from the pouch of his hoodie, opened it, and slid the shiny compact disc smoothly into the player without Eren's consent. Eren opened his mouth to ask what it was but as soon as the first note of the song sounded from the speakers, stopped himself. It was his Christmas gift to Levi.

The raven skipped ahead to track six and turned the volume up before gazing out the window as the last of the sun rays disappeared, listening intently.

_'I'm not dead, just floating..._

_I'm not scared, just changing. Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile, you're my crack of sunlight...'_

The lyrics hit him again, swam through his veins and nestled themselves into a home in his bones. They weren't the lyrics he'd related to most in his life, but they sparked a great meaning within his soul. They were true. He was the one with the cigarette and the devilish smile, and Eren himself was that crack of sunlight, chasing his darkness away word by word, action by action. The longer he remained in the raven's life, the more light he shined into it. To Levi's eyes, so accustomed to the darkness, he'd been too bright at first, too warm. But as eyes do, Levi was adjusting, becoming more comfortable with the idea of living in the light provided by Eren who seemed to be his own personal sun, or perhaps his own personal moon.

'No, that's too selfish,' he thought. He was like the sun or the moon, or something coexisting as an easy medium in between, but he wasn't Levi's. He had no right to call this beautiful teenager any kind of possession or closer relation to him no matter what he did or what kind of urges he'd had. Sure, maybe Eren had feelings for him - feelings he knew he'd never fully understand even if they ended up spending their entire lives together (what a far-fetched idea) - and perhaps his feelings were reflected, despite knowing and having been told thousands of times he shouldn't be allowed to carry such emotions. Eren was much too good for him. Crack of sunlight or not, he'd never be worthy of it.

Balling one hand into a fist, the raven reached out with the other and tapped the next button up to track twelve where he'd last left off. It started with an easy acoustic and didn't pick up much from there, but it was a pleasant song. He found his fingers tapping gently against his thigh to the beat. A slight movement out of the corner of his she caught his attention; he turned to find Eren mouthing along to the words as he focused on the road, pulling onto the highway. Briefly, he wondered how Eren's voice itself might sound, gently singing along to those lyrics, but he wasn't about to open his own mouth and ask him to sing.

As one song ended and the next began, Levi gazed out the window at the passing city lights. He was vaguely aware they were headed north but still hadn't the slightest idea where they were headed.

_'I've lost control and I don't want it back; I'm going numb, I've been hijacked.'_

'Shitty, clever, stupid, annoying, beautiful brat,' he thought bitterly, squeezing his eyes shut and listening.

_'I taste you on my lips and I can't get rid of you. So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do. Yeah you're worse than nicotine, nicotine...'_

'Ridiculous, accurate metaphors...'

One thing he knew was that Eren had put together this collection of songs before Christmas, therefore before he knew of Levi's damnation. Yet somehow in these songs, it was as if he subconsciously knew. He said they were just songs he listened to when he'd gone through his own rough patch, but Eren wasn't an addict. He didn't smoke. It was almost disturbing how accurate it all was...

_'I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you, but with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide...'_

This song had tears forming in the corners of Levi's eyes. His hand rose to his face to hide them.

_'Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide..._

_Don't wanna let you down but I am hell bound, oh this is all for you, don't wanna hide the truth.'_

Levi resisted the urge to pull his knees up and hide himself there. He felt so small under the weight of those lyrics, so vulnerable yet immensely evil. Yes, he had his demons, his skeletons, his monster. He himself felt like a demon, a monster.

_"Not everything you touch becomes tainted, Levi. That includes me."_

After the tainted life he's lived, he had trouble believing that. Nothing good ever stayed in his life for long and he blamed himself every time for the loss of friends, of his family, of even the smallest things. He knew it was only a matter of time before Eren was gone, too. He'd just been extensively selfish to keep the brat there. Sure, Eren was there partially by his own free will, but Levi had the power to kick him out at any time, to insist that he leave because he knew being there and merely breathing the same air would hurt the bright-eyed teenager more than it would ever do anything good for him.

Eren was the most selfless person he'd ever met. He'd sacrificed so much for Levi. Because he believed in him. Because he cared. Because he loved him. And there Levi was, sucking the life out of him like a leech and never giving a damned thing back.

_'Your eyes, they shine so bright, I wanna save that light. I can't escape this now, unless you show me how.'_

True. Scarily accurate. Levi knew he had no right to save that light. Had no right to exist within or anywhere near it. Yet he did, selfishly, sucking it away from Eren in the process and furthering his damnation.

Abruptly, the music stopped. Levi slowly lowered his hand and glanced at the teen, whose finger rested on the pause button.

"What's wrong? Do you need me to pull over?"

Swallowing hard, Levi said, "No."

"Then what is it?"

Levi considered his answer before responding. "I'm scared, admittedly." He kept his eyes averted from the brunet, fists clenched tight in his pocket pressed against his hollow stomach. The shaking and aching were nothing then; it was his emotions getting the better of him.

"Of what? Am I driving too fast?"

The raven snorted. "You drive slow compared to me, so no. But never mind. Forget I said anything."

"Tell me," Eren insisted. "I want to help."

All at once, Levi's eyes slammed shut, his gut twisted and his heart sped up just slightly.

"I'm selfish," he muttered. "I'm just trying my best not to hurt you more than I already have..."

"Not telling me what's wrong hurts more than anything, Levi. I just wanna help. Really."

And suddenly like so many times back at the shop, Levi's words were spilling out before he consciously made the decision to let them.

"I'm scared of a lot of things, Eren. Death. Ending up alone. Huge crowds and small, enclosed spaces. The future. Love. Right now I'm terrified because four of those five things are looming right over me and there's nothing I can do about it. What's worse is that despite the fact that I'm scared, I'm fascinated at the same time. Almost like I _enjoy_ being afraid. Tch."

Eren pulled off the highway and went down a road Levi would've missed altogether as it was concealed by darkness.

"It's normal to be afraid," he said calmly. "Everyone has fears. You're no exception."

"Yeah, but who in their right mind _likes_ being afraid?"

Eren seemed to struggle with that. Before he came up with a response, Levi continued.

"You wanna know what I'm most afraid of?"

"Yes."

"Losing you."

The words were so softly spoken, Eren wasn't totally sure he heard them correctly at first. But slowly, they sunk in. Goosebumps rose on his arms as he realized what they meant, how significant they were to him. He remembered Alex's words from the other night, how she said Levi trusted him and even seemed to accept his feelings. How Levi never really trusted anyone and had been alone most of his life and...

Oh...

_Oh..._

Slowly, the car came to a stop. Eren stared blankly at the road ahead of him, lit only by the headlights. His heart pounded against his ribs. It was suddenly hard to swallow.

"This is a surprise?" muttered Levi, peering out the windshield at the dark, empty fields around them. They were only a few miles from the city; the lights were still visible. The only difference was a few more stars could be seen than normal. "Tch."

"You don't have to be scared of that, Levi," Eren murmured, his voice wavering a bit from the tears he fought desperately to hold back. "I'm not going anywhere."

The raven relaxed in his seat. "And that makes you a fool. Besides, most people say that but eventually they get tired of me or they die. It's hard to believe after being screwed over so many times."

"Then I'll prove it. I will. Whatever it takes. I don't care how stupid it makes me or if I go down with you or whatever you think might happen. But I'm not moving. As long as you want me here, I'm here."

Levi gazed unblinking at the teenager, a warmth from an unknown source radiating through his body. So human. So foreign. So addictive.

"Do you...do you enjoy being afraid of losing me?" Eren whispered.

"N-No. You're the only reason I have to keep breathing...and truthfully I don't want to suffocate."

Finally, Eren met Levi's gaze in the darkness, a soft, fond smile gracing his features. "I'll keep you breathing, then. That's all I want, anyway."

"I'll never understand that about you, brat."

Eren's smile remained as he put the car in motion again, a smile Levi couldn't avert his eyes from.

"I think one day you will," he murmured.

As they continued away from the burning city lights, Eren couldn't help but feel uplifted once again. It wasn't that he'd lost hope, but that he feared Levi would never find it. But in just those simple words - _'and truthfully I don't want to suffocate'_ \- was the revealing that he was beginning to find that hope. He might not have known it to be hope, but it was a definite step. It felt incredible to be the reason for it but still Eren remained humble.

"Where are we going?" Levi asked after a while. The lights of the city behind them were almost out of sight and they hadn't seen another car for miles.

"We're almost there," promised the brunet. He revealed nothing more.

Levi sighed. The further they went, the more the stars became visible. It was an impeccably clear night for being winter. The moon was making its appearance from the horizon dead ahead. It was nearly full and the higher it rose, the brighter it shone across the field of what simply looked like grass all around.

Eventually, Eren came to a stop and put the car in park before cutting the engine and the last of the visible manmade light. The city had completely disappeared behind them. All that was left was the enormous field and the sky, vast and alive with countless constellations and what almost looked like nebulae.

"We're here," announced the teen. "Come on."

With that, he opened the door and stepped out. Levi was still shakily fumbling with his seatbelt by the time Eren made it around the car and opened the door. He helped the raven, who stumbled blindly with wobbly knees.

"The middle of nowhere, huh? Nice..."

Eren chuckled. "Not quite. Are you okay to walk a little?"

"I guess."

"Then follow me."

Knowing he needed the extra support anyway, Eren offered his arm to the shorter male and let him hold on as he began to walk away from the car and up a hill that had been impossible to see in the darkness. By the time they reached the top, Levi's lungs were burning mercilessly, his legs ready to give out. Eren helped him sit atop the surprisingly luscious grass and let him catch his breath.

"How is this any less the middle of nowhere?" asked Levi as Eren took a seat as well.

He said but two words. "Look up."

Look up Levi did and nearly had the wind knocked right back out of him at the breathtaking sight his eyes took in.

Stars. _Hundreds of thousands_ of stars, scattered across the night sky, lighting it up to a soft, dark sapphire in place of the usual grayish he was accustomed to. They twinkled and danced, captivating him, drawing him in. The sight was consuming; he stared and stared for several long moments, unblinking and unmoving. There were no words to describe the humbling beauty. He felt small and insignificant but so connected at the same time. Crickets chirped nearby, nestled in hiding spots among the grass; an owl hooted somewhere within earshot. Aside from that, all was silent. A light breeze blew through, lifting his hair and filling his lungs easier than they'd been filled in weeks. Still, he shivered.

"Here, I think I have a blanket in the trunk," Eren murmured, breaking Levi from his reverie. The clanking of keys seemed abnormally loud and Levi could hear the squish of the grass beneath his feet all the way to the car, the sound of the trunk opening and closing, and his footsteps as he returned.

"What do you think?" he asked, wrapping the blanket securely around Levi's shoulders.

"I have no words," murmured Levi, tilting his face back up and wrapping his slender fingers around the edges of the soft fabric. The blanket still held some warmth from the car and did well to keep the chill to a minimum.

Eren sat. "I'm not surprised." He, too, gazed serenely up at the infinite sky. "I've been here several times and it still amazes me."

"How did you know about this?"

"My dad brought me here a few times when I was little." A hint of sadness weighed in Eren's voice alone and looking over, Levi noted the sadness in his eyes. "It was something he and I shared before he died, and then when he passed I came a few more times alone, but I don't know why. Maybe to remember him. It was never the same, but I think it does help me remember better who he was before his addiction took over his life beyond repair. I like to remember the constellations, too. He bought a book of astronomy and we found them together." Eren lifted his finger off to the right and traced a line Levi's eyes didn't quite catch. "Pisces." His finger changed position. "Cancer. Scorpio. Leo. Aquarius. Sagittarius. And my astrological sign, Aries." Levi didn't really pick up what he pointed at. They just looked like random dots to him, but he let Eren explain nonetheless just to hear his voice. "What's your sign?" Eren asked.

"Capricorn."

Eren peered upward, craned his neck back. "I always had trouble finding that one," he murmured. Suddenly, he stopped mid-search and stared at Levi with an expression of realization. "Capricorn just passed. When's your birthday?"

Levi's eyes darted away from Eren's. "December 25th," he answered flatly.

Eren froze. The memory of the last 25th of December flashed through his mind at blinding speed. His chest felt suddenly tight.

"Oh my god, Levi..."

"Don't worry about it, Eren. I've had worse birthdays. It was my fault, anyway."

"But I-"

"No. Please just don't go there, alright? It's done. It doesn't matter anymore." Eager to change the subject, Levi trailed his eyes back to the stars. "Show me more constellations."

Eren attempted to force the lump in his throat away and looked up as well. "The first one I ever learned was The Little Dipper." Eren's finger trailed off to the left. "The North Star is part of it. And it's also called Ursa Minor, but when I was six I didn't care about that." Levi's eyes followed Eren's finger and somehow, he managed to make out the constellation. "And um, did you know that Venus is the second brightest object in the night sky on Earth, besides the moon?" His focus came back to the center where the moon was still making its ascent. A ways off from it was the brightest star there. "See it?"

Levi nodded and then muttered, "You really are a nerd."

Eren stuck his lower lip out in a mock pout. The silvery light of the moon and a few of the stars reflected brilliantly in his turquoise irises. This was more breathtaking than the sky itself and Levi's heart fluttered in some foreign emotion meant solely for Eren. Before he did something stupid like lean forward and trap that lip between his teeth (though it was practically begging for it by the way it stuck out at him), he shut his eyes and fidgeted awkwardly.

"You didn't have to bring me here, you know," he said quietly. "If this was something you shared with your dad, I don't want to take that away from you."

"You aren't taking anything away from me. I wanted to share this with you."

Levi peeped an eye open. Eren's soft features personified the genuineness of his words. The artist let his other eye slide open and for a split second, something shot through him, looking at the beautiful, shitty face of this bratty teenager who so stubbornly insisted upon saving him. Much like the vast universe existing above his head, words were feeble in describing what it was. All he knew was that it resembled love.


	28. *~Chapter Twenty Seven~*

Levi pulled his knees up and crossed them at the ankles, saying, "Y'know, one day I might have the right mind to start paying you back."

"You don't owe me a thing, Levi. Just sitting here with me is enough."

"Then I think it's fair I tell you that the night you texted me and said we needed to talk, I hadn't planned on making it to sunrise." Eren stiffened, his back straightening and his eyes widening in shock. "If you had been...maybe fifteen minutes later...I _wouldn't_ be sitting here with you right now." His grip on the blanket tightened. "Even if I don't make it through this, I owe you my life at the very least."

As the words sunk in, Eren couldn't help but reach out and cover one of Levi's hands with his. "You still could've done it," he said quietly. "You didn't have to meet me. But you  
did."

"Still. If you hadn't..."

"That's what I'm saying. It's what I mean about the fight in you. You have it. If given a reason, you can fight. And you can win. Maybe that night I just happened to give you a reason, but that-"

" _You_ were the reason," Levi cut in. "And hell, do I hate all that cheesy, sentimental bullshit, but you still are."

"What about Alex?"

"Tch, she doesn't need me."

Eren's fingers tightened. "That's where you're wrong. She does."

"Hn, for what? And how would you know?"

"You're her _brother_ , Levi. Her family. She needs her family."

"She has Reiner's family."

"You grew up with her, though. You knew who she was before she met him. You have memories with her, right? And she has memories with you...and things that no one else would understand. If you were gone, she would lose all of that. It may not seem like it, but she loves you."

Levi's jaw stiffened. He stared out across the field, the swaying grass lit only by the overhanging moon. "Again, how would you know?"

"For one, I have a sibling of my own. And Alex was over the other night while you were asleep. She told me. You...you should've seen the look on her face when she saw you. I don't think I've ever seen anyone look so devastated and guilty before."

Levi shut his eyes tightly. A memory resurfaced: Alex at her bubbly age of seventeen, feminine features twisted into a mask of anger directed at their pregnant mother. He still remembered the tremor of her voice as she lashed out at her and the way the anger in her eyes ignited like fire.

_"You're going to brush this off, just like that?! What kind of mother are you?!"_

_"There's nothing I can do about it, Alex. The little brat was probably asking for it, anyway. We'll just keep him away from there from now on."_

_Alex's palm came down on the wall, causing the house to shake. "There's_ plenty _you can do about this! Take it to the police! Take him to the doctor and make sure she didn't do any permanent damage!_ Ask him if he's okay!"

_"Dammit Alexandria, you are testing my nerves right now! You know damn well that we can't get the authorities involved and that we don't have insurance to pay for a doctor. Besides, he needs to man the fuck up anyway."_

_"Are you_ fucking kidding me?!" _she spat. From his spot of observation on the couch, curled up, Levi half expected his sister to strike his mother, or vice versa. Alex's aura was absolutely ruthless and she wasn't about to give in. "Your goddamned boyfriend's safety from the damn law is more important to you than your_ own damn son?! _It's that asshole's fault he's a fucking criminal, anyway!"_

_"Don't you speak that way about him!" their mother spat back, her own mask of anger featured on her already usually scowling face. "He'll be the father to your little sister and both of you if you let him! Give him a chance and you can-"_

_"Oh, not no, but_ hell _no," growled Alex. "I am not letting that_ thing _take a paternal figure in my life. You can look at him with googly eyes and shove his dick up your ass as much as you damn well please, but there no way in_ hell _I will ever look at him like my dad. And if you aren't willing to do anything about the fact that your son was just_ molested, _if you're going to brush it off and just say he needs to_ man up, _then I can't call you my mother, either. You can take white hot barbed wire and shove it up your ass for all I care."_

_Their mother had been frozen with shock by Alex's malevolence. She stared into nothing, mouth agape as Alex whirled around and took Levi by the wrist. He, too, had been shocked. Alex had always been so reserved and never lashed out like that. He had no idea she'd had the capability of such anger within her. He was easily pulled off the couch and out the door, being all too aware of the soreness of his entire body from having so recently been bent in unnatural ways and assaulted. Alex had just managed to get him into the front seat of her car when their mother's voice rang out from the front door._

_"Don't bother coming back if you're gonna run away!"_

_"Fuck you!" Alex shouted back._

_She'd only driven a few blocks away before Levi mumbled, "Where are we going?"_

_"The police station."_

_"We can't."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Sh-she said if I tried to rat her out, she'd just say I was the one coming on to her..."_

_Alex's foot hit the brakes, causing Levi's body to jerk forward, the seatbelt giving him a bruise he'd have for several weeks. The car behind them honked and she pulled over._

_"We can't just let this go."_

_Levi merely shook his head. Alex cut the engine and turned completely in her seat to be facing her brother. "Tell me what happened, Levi."_

_"This time or the first time?"_

_Alex's jaw dropped. "This is the second time she's done it?!"_

_"Fourth," he corrected, wrapping his arms around his aching stomach and squeezing his eyes shut._

_"F-fourth? Are you serious?"_

_"Why the hell would I lie?" he muttered._

_"Oh Levi, I'm so sorry..."_

_He ended up vaguely recounting what had happened each time and how it made him feel, though letting it out made the aftereffect no better on him. She started the car again after that, saying she was going to take him to the hospital, but just as his mother he pointed out that they had no way to pay for it. They made it home the next morning._

"Levi?" Eren's soft voice pulled Levi out of the memory and slowly he let his eyes open to the field under the light of the moon again.

"Maybe you're right, brat," he said quietly. "I know she at least used to care."

"She still does. She has insurance that can pay for your treatment."

A flash of surprise crossed the raven's features. "Too bad. She's just wasting her money."

Eren expected that response. "But you see my point."

"I suppose."

Silence fell between them. Eren began to let his grip on Levi's hand release, but the raven caught it and, going against his usual manner and, surprising himself, laced his slender fingers between Eren's thicker, warmer ones. The appearance of their hands contrasted greatly - pale grayish against a healthier tan; thin and bony against average thickness; cold against warm. Still, it felt right to have their palms pressed together.

"Mind if I ask you something?" Eren murmured.

"Hm?"

"I know you don't trust anyone easily at all...so I was just wondering what made you decide to trust me."

Levi forced a swallow past the increasing burning in his throat. He felt Eren's eyes on his face while he kept his own on their hands. "That's not even an answer I have myself," he responded honestly. "At first I thought it was just because I was alone and I needed someone and you just happened to be there. But I'm sure you've already figured out it runs deeper than that. I can't tell you why."

Eren nodded in understanding. In a way it was the same for him. He didn't know why he had such feelings for this man he held hands with for certain, either. He just knew he did. Until that point, he hadn't thought to question it. He supposed the reason didn't matter all that much, only the fact that he did. And that was okay. It was all that mattered.

"Does it scare you?" he found himself asking.

"Terrifies me."

Eren let his gaze follow the constellations he knew so well back up to the moon. "Wanna hear something kinda stupid?"

"Okay."

"When I was little, I was afraid of the moon. I didn't tell anyone 'cause I was old enough to know it was stupid. One night my mom forgot to close my curtains when I went to bed and I woke up in the middle of the night to it shining through my window. She heard me crying and came in to find me cowering under the covers. I expected her to laugh when I told her what was wrong, but of course she didn't. Instead she told me everyone has fears - some irrational and some normal, some that people have a reason to have. She said to try and channel my fear into something else, to think of the moon as a guardian watching over me while the daylight was gone. It took a while, but eventually I was able to believe it and I was no longer scared. I think that's how it can be for all fears no matter what they are. Instead of being afraid and hiding, channel it into something else - be it motivation or changing the way you see something. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but would you rather spend your life in fear or develop from it and make something of yourself? You have to _fight_ to make it. That's something I know you can do." Eren knew he was just rambling and that his words probably made no sense or held no meaning to the man sitting next to him. He shut his mouth and met Levi's gray gaze apologetically.

Levi was thinking not of Eren's babbling, but more of his use of that word again.

_Fight._

A sudden chill washed over his body before he was able to think of it more in depth and his hand slipped from Eren's. He pulled the blanket tighter around himself and pulled his knees in tighter, trying to retain some heat.

"Maybe we should head back," Eren suggested, the light of his phone illuminating his face as he checked the time.

Levi having no objections, they made their way back to the car. As he settled into the seat, fatigue began taking over his body and the ache in his muscles became more prominent. He gritted his teeth, forcing himself to bear it.

Eren started the car and they were on their way back down the deserted road in less than a minute. The CD continued playing, as well, giving the raven something to focus on other than the increasing pain throughout his body.

_'When someone said count your blessings, now, for they're long gone, I guess I just didn't know how, I was all wrong.'_

These lyrics manifested memories of white blond hair and hazel eyes; crazed brown eyes behind thick lenses; a time he hadn't felt so alone, when there were people who understood his addiction and the reason for it. But they'd left him, too. Taken by distance. By the law while he managed to escape. By death.

_'I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again.'_

But he knew he wouldn't meet them again. No matter where they were, he was sure he was going somewhere different. They would only remain memories to him.

As the city lights started fading back into view, the disc faded into the next songs. Even with the distraction of the music - something that still eerily fit the situation with each song in some way - Levi had more and more trouble ignoring the increasing pain in his muscles. Even as they'd stopped at a gas station and he took the opportunity to suck down a cigarette in hopes it might ease the intensity of withdrawal, the pain amplified so much that it could no longer be classified as simply aching anymore. With every thump of his heart, borderline agony throbbed simultaneously through his entire body.

Somehow, he managed to remain quiet and nonchalant all the way back to the apartment. Eren had parked, shut the car off, and was halfway out before he said anything.

"Eren."

"Yeah?"

He kept his eyes on his trembling fists as he said, "I hate to say this, b-but I don't think I can make it up the stairs...let alone walk."

Eren's brows knitted together, that expression of concern clouding his face. "At all?"

"...unfortunately..."

"Okay, hang on."

Eren slid out of the car and shut the door behind him. He was around the other side in no time, opening Levi's door. The raven flinched at the sudden cold air and attempted to release the seatbelt. Even that he was too weak to accomplish and Eren reached over, his fingers pressing the button with ease and letting the seatbelt pull back into place.

"How much pain are you in right now?" murmured the brunet, a look of analysis on his face.

"What do you mean? How did you know?"

"I've noticed that the more pain you're in, the more you tend to tense up and the worse your shaking gets."

Levi's fists clenched tighter, his nails biting into his palm though compared to withdrawal pain, it was absolutely nothing. He refrained from answering the question, his state of mind constantly being to not hurt the brat any more.

"I'm just gonna lift you out of there, okay?"

Feeling mildly embarrassed, Levi nodded once. Slowly, Eren's arms slid beneath his body and he was being pulled out of the car. That movement alone was excruciating; he chomped down onto his lip to hold back his groan.

"Sorry," Eren said hastily, voice higher pitched.

Levi settled into Eren's arms, his head finding a spot on his shoulder and his fists pressed against his own stomach as he attempted fruitlessly to will the pain away.

"Comfortable enough?" Eren was asking.

Levi could only nod. Normally he was sure his senses would be in overdrive and his heart would be flying, resting in those strong arms of Eren's, but the pain overtook even that. Somehow, though, he had the mind to glance up at the sky, half expecting to see the millions of stars overhead as he had not an hour earlier. Of course, there was nothing much but the navy blue and dim pinpoints, the rest drowned out by city lights. Even the moon seemed duller.

Eren managed to bump the door shut with his hip and press the lock button on his keys before heading toward the stairs, all too conscious of the man in his arms. He couldn't help but notice he'd grown even lighter than the last time he carried Levi like this. He seemed almost weightless and that was, to him, terrifying. A good reason the raven was chilled all the time and so weak was because he had no meat on his bones to keep him warm, no muscle to be able to do things an average person had the ability to do. The longer this went on, the more Levi's condition would worsen and he would deteriorate to nothing. Eren feared he had less time than anticipated a few nights ago; his stomach clenched painfully at the thought.

"It hurts..." came a nearly inaudible whimper from Levi as he began making his way up the stairs.

"What hurts?"

"Everything."

"J-just try and relax..."

'Fat chance,' thought the raven bitterly. As Eren ascended, the stairwell started spinning out of place and his supposedly empty stomach began churning in a familiar way. He shut his eyes as tight as possible, attempting to fight off the nausea but with little luck. The rocking motion of Eren's walking had his head whirling and if he didn't make it to a bathroom soon, things would end up a huge mess.

"We're almost there," murmured Eren. The ascending stopped and Levi heard the insertion of a key into a lock, the click as it was twisted open, and suddenly the surrounding air was much warmer.

"Bathroom," he practically choked.

A brief glance at the raven's face was all it took for the brunet to hustle it down the hall. In three seconds flat, they'd made it to the bathroom and Levi was leaning over the open toilet, his body heaving and convulsing as it attempted to get rid of the contents of his stomach the only way it seemed to know how. Almost nothing came up, and if it did, it was mostly stomach acid and left endless tears trailing down Levi's concaved cheeks. His hands fluttered to the side in weak, feeble attempts to push Eren out, but the teen wasn't about to leave. Instead he stood and filled the cup on the sink with the coldest water he could coax from the faucet and then searched the medicine cabinet for any kind of painkillers. Though he recalled Levi saying no kind of pain medication worked on his body any longer, he _had_ to try _something_.

He sunk back to the floor with the items just in time for Levi's body to give and collapse to the side. Eren's steady arms caught him with ease and, as quickly as possible, made his thigh a pillow for the raven's lolling head.

"Levi?" he asked in a panicked manner, gripping his shoulders as tight as he dared.

"F-fuck..." muttered Levi in a sickening rasp. "Sorry..."

"Shut up and drink some water."

Levi's lashes fluttered. His eyes found the plastic cup filled with the liquid and suddenly that simple, every day liquid was more important than anything. He seized it and chugged it too quickly for his throat to keep up and ended up choking, starting up the retching. Still, Eren acted quickly, filling it up once more and slowly coaxing it down his throat. Gradually, the coughing came to an end and his body slumped back into Eren's lap. His breath came in short, ragged pants.

"Try and take these," Eren murmured, holding out his palm with four small pills resting in the center.

"Won't help."

"Humor me."

Levi lifted his shaky hand and plucked up one of the circular tablets. He studied it for a minute before breathing, "Alright..."

One by one, he managed to down the pills. Eren talked him into moving to his room rather than remaining on the bathroom floor and insisted upon carrying him again. He lifted him once more, blanket and all.

"Don't be weird, brat," he mumbled halfheartedly, earning a vibrant flush in the brunet's cheeks.

Almost as soon as he'd laid down on top of his dark gray bedspread, the aching fired up again and this time he was unable to bite back his groan of pain. Face twisted up in worry, Eren crawled as gently as possible to the head of the bed. Levi curled up tightly, one hand balled in a fist in his hair and the other clawing at the blankets.

"I'm sorry, Levi. I shouldn't have made you move around so much."

"D-don't blame yours-self..."

"Still...I should've known..."

Levi peeked up at the teen from the corner of his eye. He detested the look of worry and pity on his beautiful face. Detested that, once again, Eren was in pain, him being the reason for it.

'Am I ever going to be able to stop hurting him...?'

"J-just shut up. Or I'm g-gonna have to kick your ass."

That attempted joke earned a light snort from Eren, but nothing more.

"Come here, brat."

Eren complied easily, scooting closer ever so gently. Though it amped up the agony, Levi forced himself to uncurl a bit and placed his head on Eren's thigh as he had in the bathroom. The brunet's eyes widened at the unexpected movement.

"You mind?" mumbled Levi.

"'Course not," Eren murmured, maneuvering himself to lean against the headboard, making things more comfortable for both of them.

Levi's pain was so evident plainly by the way he held himself that Eren's heart squeezed in feeble sympathy. His whole body, although small, was tense and trembling; quiet whimpers escaped his throat every now and then. Eren's hand fell into a steady rubbing rhythm on his upper arm, and it seemed to help, but not nearly enough. What he wanted was to be able to snap his fingers and have Levi's pain disappear, even if it meant burdening it on himself.

"What can I do, Levi?" he practically begged. "To make this easier on you."

"N-nothing," came the broken whisper of a response.

"I hate to see you in so much pain..."

"Don't worry." A cough. "I deserve this. I've always thought of pain being the best teacher. So I'm learning my lesson."

Eren cringed internally. He didn't believe that. As much as the artist may have thought he did, he didn't deserve this kind of agony. Even if there was a lesson to be learned - and there was, that much was inevitable - Levi had already been through more than anyone should ever have to. Why would he have to go through all of _this_ to learn the lesson? What kind of higher power deemed him deserving of such cruelty? Why was the world such a cruel place? An endless amount of questions he had no answer for...

...

There was something genuinely good in Levi's heart; Eren could see that plain as day despite it being buried by terrible memories and experiences. It didn't matter to Eren what kind of supposedly terrible things Levi had supposedly done. It didn't matter if there was some kind of god or goddess justifying him for unforgivable actions in his past. If it was Eren's fate to be dragged down with him, to experience the same kind of torment due to his choice to sacrifice for this person already so precious to him, he would gladly follow him into hell. Still, there was no way in hell, heaven, or on Earth he would go down without a fight. If he were to go down, he'd go down swinging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is...sort of the beginning of the end. This fic is in two parts (I don't remember if I added that little fact in a note before, so I'm saying it now just in case). I think what I'll do is make the second part a part of a series and the title for part two will simply be 'Crack of Sunlight (Part Two)'. Sooo yeah. That's a thing. Thanks for reading:3


	29. *~Chapter Twenty Eight~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'know the saying 'it gets worse before it gets better'? welp... >~

Turquoise eyes fluttered open to a dark bedroom. The first thing Eren was aware of was the stiffness of his back and how the headboard dug into his ribs. With a grunt, he sat up, a blanket he'd been covered with falling from his chest and pooling in his lap. He vaguely recognized it as the one he kept in the trunk of his car. Upon stretching out his arms, he realized the bed was absent of Levi. Remembering the events of the night before, he threw the blanket from his legs and quickly climbed out of bed. He stopped short once reaching the door, seeing that across the hall the bathroom was vacant. If Levi had relapsed, it had been a while ago. He took a deep breath simultaneously pulling his fingers through his already messy hair and shuffled down the hallway. He half expected to see Levi drawing or staring off into space as he often did after a relapse, but as he rounded the corner into the living room he turned out to be wrong.

Levi hadn't relapsed, that much he was able to tell immediately. There was a change in his demeanor and attitude when he was under the influence, something that disturbed Eren because he could feel that it wasn't truly Levi, but more like a ghost of him while the real him was caged inside.

The raven sat on the couch, knees up and arms resting on them, forehead pressed into his sleeves. He seemed much more relaxed than the night before, but he was still. Too still.

"Levi?" Eren murmured, taking a cautious step forward.

The artist's body twitched and he lifted his head ever so slowly. His eyes were glassy; a fire burned within them. He definitely hadn't relapsed.

Before sinking down onto the floor in front of him, Eren noted the nibbled on piece of toast and half empty cup of tea on the coffee table.

"How are you feeling?"

Eren should've expected the impossible raspiness of Levi's usual lower baritone when he spoke.

"Better physically. Emotionally it's like I've been thrown into the deepest pits of hell."

Instinctively, Eren extended his hand forward but thought better of it and dropped it back into his lap.

"Need to talk about it?"

"Remember when I told you the memories are the hardest part?" A nod. Gray eyes slid closed. "Every time I close my eyes I see everything. It's eating me half alive." His head fell back into the nest of arms and knees. Eren wracked his brain for something to say that might be helpful, but came up with nothing he hadn't already said to sound genuine enough. Instead he reached up again and gently pried Levi's fingers from around his leg. He took the one hand between both of his and rubbed it gently, sending attempted silent reassurances through touch alone. Lazily, Levi's body unraveled. His knees dropped so he sat cross legged; his arms fell like dead weight to his sides. Eren had never seen someone look so defeated, so terribly burdened by depression, and that included himself.

"Don't give up," he found himself whispering. "Please. For me."

Levi shook his head just slightly and suddenly he was descending, bending all the way over so his forehead found something of a pillow on Eren's left shoulder as he pushed his fingers between Eren's.

"I can't do this, Eren," he mumbled brokenly.

The lump in the teen's throat returned as he reached up with his free hand to rub gentle circles in the bony back of the artist.

"You can. You have to fight it. I believe in you."

"You idiot. Don't you see I'm hopeless?"

"That's not true. You can survive this." Eren swallowed hard. "You just need the right kind of help. Help I'm not capable of offering."

"No, Eren. No."

"What other option do you have, Levi? I just wanna see you get better but this...this isn't helping. We both know you can't do this on your own."

The man drew in a shaky breath. "I can't. I'm sorry."

"W-would...would you rather d-die?" The teen's voice cracked.

A long pause preceded Levi's response. "Sometimes I think that might be better. No more pain. No more struggling or burdening."

"L-Levi..." Eren was on the verge of tears. His hand had halted on Levi's back and curled into a fist. His heart physically ached, hearing these words.

"But I promised myself I would hurt you as little as possible from now on. So here I am."

Eyes squeezing shut, Eren said, "Put me aside for a second. D-do you really want to...?"

Another long pause. "No, I guess not."

Eren managed to relax a bit. "But you still won't go."

Levi shook his head. It took everything Eren had not to ask why and then beg him to go. He wasn't completely sure why he refrained, he just did.

"Even if I s-said that you staying out is hurting me?" he murmured.

Levi tensed. His free hand came up and his fist planted lightly on Eren's chest. "Don't do that to me, shithead. Don't try to guilt me into it."

The teen hadn't been lying, of course. It really did hurt to watch Levi deteriorate right before his eyes, to be powerless against it. But he wouldn't guilt him into going. That was low, and guilt already burdened this man much too heavily. The physical part of withdrawal might have been what was draining him of his biological life, but the emotions were clearly much worse. They drained him of his spiritual life, sucked away his will to keep fighting. And if he lost that, he was physiologically doomed.

Eren tried to imagine his life if he lost Levi. Immediately it seemed bleak. Not necessarily meaningless, but damn close to it. He would survive. He could go on. Though things would never be the same. Since first looking into the eyes of the raven-haired fool, his life had changed drastically whether he realized it at the time or not. From that moment, there was no going back. He'd fallen hard. It seemed like the stupidest thing he could've let himself do...fall in love with a junkie of one of the most lethal drugs out there. It was almost as if he was following a similar path as his mother, though his father only became addicted after he was conceived rather than before they met. Still, the situation was eerily similar. With that similarity came a disturbing feeling of phantom despair, knowing how that situation ended. Despair that could very easily become real.

This man had stolen irreplaceable pieces of him...pieces he would hold forever no matter what the future held for the two of them. Those pieces were what he sacrificed, the time he spent in that apartment for his one purpose, and something deeper within himself he couldn't truly identify.

"Distract me," said Levi, breaking the silence and Eren out of his internal banter.

"What?" he stammered stupidly.

"Distract me," Levi repeated, forcing a swallow. "Just...say anything. Give me something else to focus on. Please."

Eren's mind fumbled for something to say and he ended up blurting the first thing that came to mind. "Uh...what's your favorite color?"

"Turquoise." The raven answered immediately without really thinking. He didn't fully realize why he'd said what he had at first. Forever his favorite color had been blood red, or any red, really. Turquoise seemed the dead opposite, yet he felt he was telling the truth. "Why?" Asked Eren, equally as surprised. He expected an answer like black or gray, something dark.

"It's...the color of your eyes," Levi admitted shyly, raspy voice barely audible.

A thrill of flattery tingled through Eren's nerves; he felt his entire face prick with heat and was immensely glad that Levi couldn't see the obvious darkening beneath his skin.

"Seriously? That's why?" he asked innocently.

"Tch..."

"Um, well, thanks?"

"Insufferable brat," muttered the man.

That was when the coughing started, dry and horrid-sounding at first like normal. He gripped at his chest with his free hand while Eren's began rubbing his back again, waiting for it to stop. Gradually, it seemed to die down. It was so along the lines of the norm that neither of them expected it - the next retch that came with a splatter of dark red, bright against the pallid shade of Levi's hand that had come up just in time to catch it. With another cough came more; Eren felt the hot liquid splatter on the front of his shirt, and then once more after that.

"Well that's new," he muttered.

Eren stiffened and gently pushed the raven up. His shocked eyes descended to the shaky, bloodied hand between them and his own came up to cup it from underneath. At first it didn't seem real; he desperately wanted to be dreaming. He didn't want the blood to be real. Didn't want what it meant to be real.

But it was. He could feel it drip from Levi's hand and pool in his own palm. He could feel it causing his shirt to stick to his chest. He could see as it dripped from Levi's lips. He, too, seemed to having a hard time taking it in.

"Y-you need to get to the hospital..." he murmured, fumbling for his phone in his pocket but found them to be empty.

"No...just help me to the bathroom," mumbled Levi, running the back of his clean hand across his lips, smearing it across his cheek.

"You're bleeding from the inside, Levi. Don't...you can't just brush it off like it's nothing..."

"Hmpf..." The raven shoved himself to his feet. "My lungs are just dry...I'm fine..."

Eren stared up at him, dumbfounded as he watched him stumble toward the hallway, leaving a trail of drops of blood as he went. It took a minute before he snapped to his senses and sprung up to help.

"This is idiotic, Levi," he attempted to reason. "You're dying...you can't just..." He was at a loss for words, the knot in his chest tightening. Watching Levi suffer like this had his heart feeling as if it were being constricted by chains.

"I'm fine," Levi insisted. "I needed a shower anyway." He hobbled into the bathroom.

"Will you be okay...?" Eren asked cautiously, eyeing the way he walked and required to hold onto something in order to maintain his balance.

"As I've told you, I'm an addict, not a baby."

With that, the door shut less than an inch from Eren's nose. Levi planted his back against it and stared down at his shaking, bloodied hands. He'd never much minded the sight of blood before, especially if it was his own. That he was used to. But this...this was different. It scared him. Came from something bleeding from the inside. What was more, the usual burning of his lungs disappeared as soon as he laid eyes on the red liquid. That definitely wasn't normal, nor did he think it to be a good thing.

_''You're dying, you can't just..."_

'Yes, Eren. I know I'm dying. And I'm petrified shitless.'

He shut his eyes. He wouldn't let the brat know that. The longer time went on, the more pain he was forced to endure, the more he witnessed the pain in Eren's eyes, the more he realized he wouldn't be able to do this on his own. That was something Eren knew from the start; the first thing he'd suggested was rehab. It was Levi who refused. It was Levi who was keeping himself away from the possibility of truly getting better. He knew his addiction ran much too deep to be able to sit and wait for his body to simply get over it. He needed more than that...more than sitting around and trying to fight it on his own. Regardless, the thought of some strangers touching him even to take something as simple as heart rate or blood pressure petrified him almost as much as the cloud of death looming over his shoulders. Eren was the only one he'd let lay a finger on him for more than a few seconds since he was fourteen unless he was completely intoxicated, and then it wasn't real, wasn't genuine. Anyone else brought the overwhelming feeling of violation, conjured memories he desperately wanted to forget and the phantom pain of having been violated. He couldn't stand it, and going somewhere people would need to touch him, even if they were helping him was a horrifying thought.

As he watched the last of the pink tinted water swirl down the drain, he came to the realization that he would have to choose. Choose between the two poisons - the fear of feeling violated or _being_ violated, of being alone again; or the probability that the drug he couldn't stay away from would permanently destroy his brain and not only the fear of death, but death herself.

Meanwhile, Eren stumbled his way into the kitchen to scrub the blood from his own hand. He elected to yank his shirt over his head, knowing there was no saving the peppermint green of it from the scarlet stain of Levi's lifeblood. He discarded it into the trash before making way to his bag that had made a home in the corner of the living room between the television stand and smaller couch to yank out another shirt at random and pull it over his head. He proceeded back to the kitchen where under the sink he found, sure enough, an abundance of different cleaning products. He selected one he figured might be able to remove carpet stains and one of the brushes hung neatly off to the side. He moved back to the hallway where he began to scrub the bloodstains. The pungent odor of ammonia stung his nose as he ground the bristles into the carpet, attempting to erase the rusty stain as if it could eliminate with it what caused it. Not just the coughing and the blood, but all of it. The withdrawals altogether. The drug that caused them. The decision that was made to take the drug in the first place.

But the stain never completely went away no matter how long and hard he scrubbed. The faded scarlet hue stubbornly clung to the fine threads of the carpet. As much as he tried to ignore it, the metaphor they personified nagged at the back of Eren's mind. It was as if the stains were the drug itself and the floor was Levi. He scrubbed and scrubbed but the stain would never come out. It was the same with the real situation; it seemed that no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he said or did, the drug had its hooks in Levi so deep that even he was powerless against fighting it. The only way to rid the apartment of those stains was to rip up this carpet and replace it with new...but to Eren, there was no replacement for Levi. He stood by his decision to be dragged down with him if that was what was fated to be.

Nonetheless, the fear that he might be pulled under as well was not nullified. The fear that Levi could so easily lose his life, that in fact he was on the verge of the very thing. How many more relapses did he have left before his venom completely consumed him? How many more could his ailing body withstand? How much more time did he truly have left before his heart...?

Eren couldn't finish the thought. He dragged his sleeve across his forehead in mock exhaustion and continued scrubbing, moving from one stain to the next, pretending it was paint or dye rather than blood. His nose soon became immune to the smell of the ammonia. He did as best he could before rinsing the carpet and replacing the cleaning supplies. With that, he all but collapsed on the couch, his head _thunking_ against the wall behind it, eyes lidded. The image of Levi's bloody face haunted the backs of his eyelids and he forced it away, forced himself to think of something different.

He figured he should call his mother just to check up. He was still in the middle of considering it when his phone started buzzing somewhere beneath him. He fumbled in the cushions and found it among them.

"Mom," he breathed after tapping the green 'answer' icon.

"Good morning, Eren," came Carla's soft, motherly voice from the receiver. Immediately, the simple sound of her soprano helped bring his thoughts back from total chaos. "Is everything alright?" she asked.

"Not nearly," he muttered, collapsing once more against the back of the couch.

"Levi."

Funny how a simple name could have a person's entire body react with warmth and butterflies mixed with dread and worry.

"He's bad, Mom. Really bad. And I don't know what else to do..."

"Is he still refusing rehabilitation?"

"Yes. I'm starting to think there's no way to talk him into it, and I can't force him to go. I've tried everything..."

"You know, hon, sometimes you have to take action for the people you care about without their consent in order to help them."

Eren chomped down on his lip. He was afraid she'd say that, but that only served to make her statement more accurate.

"It's okay if you're scared, Eren. But as I told you the night you left - help him like I couldn't help your father before it's too late. Even if you're taking a risk."

"I know, I know," he mumbled, running his fingers through his hair. "You're right."

After that, he asked how she and Mikasa were doing. She merely claimed that it was much quieter around their house without him around and she wasn't used to cooking for only two. Otherwise, things had pretty much stayed the same since the last time they spoke.

Her parting words were a simple, "Good luck."

As if on cue, Levi's slender figure appeared around the corner of the hallway the second after Eren let his phone drop back onto the cushions. He slinked into the room, hands hidden away in his pockets in his usual manner, and collapsed into the cushions next to Eren as if his legs could no longer hold him, which was probably the case. His hair - the longer part flopped over to the left and the rest having grown out considerably in the past weeks - was shiny and wet. He brought with him the pleasant scent of his shampoo, a scent Eren's nose was becoming familiar with. Upon looking him over, Eren couldn't help but notice something unfamiliar in the depths of those stone gray eyes, but he kept his mouth shut.

"Feeling better?" he asked instead.

"Slightly," replied Levi quietly. "Sorry...about that...and your shirt..."

"It's alright. Shirts are replaceable."

Levi nodded slightly, brows pulling together and eyes closing as if he were in pain. Knowing he was, Eren took hold of one of his hands. He'd noticed in the past how, for some reason when they were touching, things seemed a little more bearable for the raven. He wanted to do everything he could to help. This time was no exception, either. Levi visibly relaxed when he felt the warmth on his fingers and instinctively moved closer to the source of that warmth.

"I need another distraction," he mumbled.

"Uhm..." Eren mumbled, wracking his brain for something to say. It was suddenly as if he'd forgotten what a distraction was.

"Tell me something about you," said Levi, eyes reopening.

"M-me?"

Levi sighed. "No, the person behind you."

Eren almost, _almost_ looked behind him before he recognized the sarcasm and immediately felt dumb. With that, he just started babbling without really thinking.

"I...remember when my parents told me they were gonna adopt my sister. I was only six but I hated the idea that I wasn't gonna be their only kid anymore and I cried every time her name was mentioned." He chuckled fondly at the vague memory. "They made me meet her before they decided for sure...and I remember seeing my mom hold her. She looked so happy to be holding a baby in her arms that even then, I got over it. I mean I was jealous, of course, and I fought for her attention a lot...and I admittedly kinda hated that kid at first because she cried _incessantly_. But I got over that, too. She's still a little brat, though."

Eren finished his story with a fond smirk playing on his lips, one Levi was captivated by.

"She probably gets it from you," he teased halfheartedly.

"Hmpf..."

"And even when you were more of a brat than you are now, you loved your mother endlessly," he observed, keeping his eyes downcast at their fingers that he'd absently began fidgeting with.

"Up until a couple months ago, I've never loved anyone more than her," Eren confirmed.

The corners of Levi's lips twitched into something between a grimace and a grin.

"So are you close to your sister?" he asked to get the subject away from that particular topic for the moment.

"Sorta," Eren answered thoughtfully. "We don't exactly have heart-to-hearts or share all our secrets with each other, but we're there for each other when we need to be. Like...Christmas night after you left...she even seemed kind of sad." Levi flinched at the mention of that night, earning a quick "sorry" from the teen. "And she often has trouble with school work, so I'll help her with that..."

Eren was running out of things to say. He could talk about his family, small as it was, all day. But Levi had asked him to talk about himself, and like most people, that wasn't an easy task for him.

"Keep talking," Levi practically begged once the silence became too long for him.

"Um..." Eren fumbled for something else. "My mom used to sing a lot," he blurted. "Especially when I was little and before my dad died. She often sung me to sleep...or she would be cooking or gardening or doing everyday things and she would sing. And I started to pick up on that. I learned some of her songs and I liked to sing with her. She has a beautiful voice and..." He trailed off and glanced at Levi, who had looked up from concentrating on his fidgeting (which ceased altogether) and instead had focused on Eren's face. "Sorry," he mumbled, embarrassed.

"No, continue."

"Are you sure? I feel like I'm just babbling..."

Levi nodded. Eren swallowed past his parched throat - something he chose to ignore - and went on.

"Sometimes I sang at school...just absently. At first it was really no big deal. But then..." He let out a dry, sarcastic laugh. "Then I started to get teased for it. At first I tried to ignore it and I told my mom and she said it didn't matter what anyone else thought. But of course the nicknames started and I was laughed at, so I stopped. And I stopped singing at home, too." Eren reached back to rub the back of his neck, still feeling mild embarrassment. "Now that I think about it, it was kinda dumb."

"What was dumb, exactly?"

"Just...the singing in general. I don't really blame people for making fun of it."

Levi's eyes flickered up from their focus on his playing with Eren's fingers, which ceased. "It's not," he said firmly, surprising the brunet. "You shouldn't have let them stop you."

Eren half shrugged and attempted to brush it off in a casual way. "I dunno. I mean I was little...and I suck anyway. No big deal..."

"Hn, I don't believe that."

"Believe what?"

"That you suck."

"I dunno..." Eren mumbled again as a blush started to creep up from his neck. He found himself unable to directly meet Levi's eyes.

"I'll only believe it if you prove it."

"Wh-what?"

"Sing for me and then I'll decide whether or not you suck."

The blush was full blown in Eren's face now, heating his cheeks and flaming at his ears. "I haven't sung in front of anybody since then...and that was over a decade ago..."

"So you still do it."

"Well, yeah, when no one's around..."

"Hmpf. I still want to hear you."

"You're not gonna let this go, huh?"

"Nope."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go ahead and let me know how much this sucks :D


	30. *~Chapter Twenty Nine~*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First thing's first: this is the second to last chapter of part one. Like I said, I'll post part two in a different story but make it a series so it'll be easy to access :3
> 
> And second, I'm putting a trigger warning on this chapter for self harm. Yes, I know it's been mentioned before, but in this chapter it's a little more...graphic. I'll put a warning down in the chapter essentially where it begins and ends so if you feel the need to, you can skip it. It's all pretty bad, but I'll tag the worst of it. Basically, read at your own risk and please, please be safe. (I just suck and have to hurt every fictional character ever >~

That night, a while after the sun had gone down, the two were huddled up on the couch, Levi having claimed to be cold again and curled up against Eren's side and fallen asleep. Eren remained awake, staring blankly into the darkness and letting his thoughts wander.

His mother's words echoed in his mind.

_'Sometimes you have to take action for the people you care about without their consent in order to help them.'_

Of course this was something Eren had known all along. But of course, he'd been afraid. Afraid that Levi might still resist and then hate him for trying to force him. Afraid that somehow, for some reason, it wouldn't work. Afraid that even if it did, he would still end up hated by the one he cared for the most. These thoughts were terribly selfish on his part. It shouldn't matter whether or not Levi ended up loathing him or not. He should only care about helping him get better...for real.

His eyes traveled down to the man whose all too slender waist he held tenderly. He seemed to be sleeping peacefully, his lips parted just slightly and the breaths moving between them audible in the wheezing of his tired lungs. His face had relaxed from the scowls and grimaces of pain, and for once, he truly looked comfortable.

And suddenly, merely studying Levi's sunken, sickly face, Eren's fears didn't much matter anymore; Levi's health was much more important than any of them. He still preferred to let Levi make the decision on his own, but there was no doubt he hadn't much time left to decide. If he wanted Levi to have a chance, he would have to take action, and soon.

Two days, he concluded. He would give it two more days before he did anything. If Levi hadn't made the decision on his own by February 19th, he'd do it for him, no matter what the circumstances.

~*~

Several hours later, Eren's eyes were fluttering open from a light slumber before he realized he'd fallen asleep. An overwhelming feeling of dread laid heavy on his shoulders as his vision focused on a light down the hall. It became clear that it was the bathroom light streaming through the cracked door. Levi had disappeared from his side, leaving a pool of his blankets in his wake, and suddenly Eren just _knew_.

He shot to his feet in an instant, his own blanket sliding to his feet. He stumbled toward that light, still considerably disoriented from having just woken up. He didn't expect what he saw once he reached the bathroom and nudged the door open with his toe.

Inside, Levi sat on the floor in a trembling mess. His sullen cheeks were soaked with the tears endlessly flowing from his ducts. He faced the cabinet under the sink having stripped off two of his layers, the sleeves of the third pushed all the way up to above his biceps, revealing the monstrosities that were his tense arms. His hair concealed his eyes but not his lips, pressed together tightly. One hand was balled into a knuckle-whitening fist. The other was poised above the crook of his elbow, wrapped around the filled syringe with the tip of the needle already buried into one of his veins. Eren opened his mouth to try and stop him just as his thumb lifted and shoved the plunger completely down into the barrel.

The release he felt was immediately evident on his face, which relaxed, followed by the rest of his body. Just like that, his trembling stopped and he let out a long breath, still not having noticed the brunet standing wide-eyed in the doorway.

Said brunet collapsed to his knees and gripped the door frame. This caught Levi's attention and he jumped, startled, turning his head. Eren stared at him with enormous turquoise orbs that were next to impossible to read due to all of the emotions swirling through them. Immediately, guilt and desperation flooded through Levi, accompanying the monster and feeling like it was ripping him to shreds from the inside out.

"H-how long have you been there?" he muttered, eyes growing as well.

"Long enough..." Eren mumbled in response.

Abruptly, Levi's attenuated fingers wrapped around the syringe still stuck into his arm and he ripped it out before chucking it into the cabinet with all of his strength, shattering it. His knees came up and he locked his fingers through his hair. For the first time he wished he could somehow yank the monster from his being and shatter it just like the syringe.

He'd hurt Eren. Again. And this time he knew there was no fix for what the bright eyed teenager just witnessed on his account. He wasn't capable of healing wounds...only inflicting them. And now he'd crossed the line he'd drawn for himself eight years ago the very first time he made the decision to poison his soul so his body and mind could feel better.

This...this was much worse. There was no drug or escape that could fix his soul. Perhaps at one time, Eren could've...but now he'd gone and ruined that, too. He deserved nothing but death now, and because he couldn't remove his monster from his bloodstream, had to wait until it chose to depart on its own, he hoped this time it might actually kill him. Might finally let his poor body be at peace and let Eren go.

"Y-you should go," he found himself muttering. "You don't need to be here anymore."

"I'm not going anywhere," replied Eren stubbornly as he began to reach for the raven. Levi flinched away from the attempted contact. "I'm not leaving you alone."

"This isn't your fight, Eren!" he shouted through his raspy voice. "You're doing nothing but getting hurt here!"

It was Eren's turn to flinch. "I don't care," he started.

"Dammit, brat! Don't you have any respect for yourself at all?!"

Levi didn't miss the flash of pain in those blue-green eyes he so adored; he wanted to reach inside himself and yank his heart out.

"I won't let this be for nothing," he said in a low tone, lowering his head so his hair concealed his eyes. "I'm not just gonna leave and let you die...because we both know that's what will happen if you don't get real help soon. And...I told you I need you, too, remember? I-"

"What in the hell could you possibly need me for? I've done nothing good for you...or anyone else, for that matter."

"That's a lie. You've given me a purpose."

"A purpose? You have so much more potential than sticking around here trying to find a lost cause, Eren. I've only been dragging you down."

"That's a lie, too. I don't care how much you don't believe it, but there's hope for you. I won't give up on that hope."

"And what if I already have?" Levi, too, lowered his head.

"You haven't. I can tell. You don't want to die, and you don't wanna be in pain anymore."

"If dying meant your pain would stop, I'd gladly embrace it."

Eren's head snapped up and his heart squeezed. "No, Levi. That wouldn't make it stop. It would hurt so much more..." His voice broke and he slid his arms around his torso, feeling the depression creeping up from the depths of his being and fighting so hard to push it away.

A single tear slid down Levi's cheek and dripped from his chin. "I have a hard time believing that..."

Eren gulped and attempted again to reach out. The tip of his middle finger made contact with the back of Levi's hand, earning another flinch. "I know you do. But that doesn't mean the possibility that you'll believe it someday doesn't exist."

Levi said nothing. Didn't move. He began to shut off his mind, to block any kind of reason he might have left within him. The majority of his being was a constant reminder that he was detrimental. Worse. Wouldn't allow him to believe there was hope for him or his life or anything he did, as much as he wanted to. He wanted to believe Eren. Wanted to stand up and fight his demons, fight the monster...but the blackness in his heart consumed him.

"Just try, Levi," Eren whispered. "For me. Please."

The raven lifted his head just enough to be able to see the teenager through his hair. His eyes were shimmering, filled with tears. He begged with those eyes. And Levi couldn't say no. He'd continue to humor him until he shot himself into total oblivion forever.

"Come on," coaxed Eren softly. "You should eat while you can."

Levi complied and let the brat help him to his feet and guide him down the hall. He slid into one of the dining chairs and stared down at the tarnished wood while Eren scrounged around the kitchen. Despite the monster coursing through his entire body, he felt hollow like a doll the wind could blow right through. Breakable, like one breath would cause him to crumble to pieces. He had no idea what his motivation to let Eren take care of him that day was, whether it was the minuscule satisfaction shown in Eren's soft features that seemed to give him mild, likely phantom happiness...but he did.

And soon it was nearly unbearable, the way the brat looked at him with so much hope and faith that everything would be okay. He couldn't stand knowing he'd just end up snuffing it out all over again. The further the high died down, the guiltier he felt.

"I'm...gonna go...take a bath..." he mumbled, pulling himself to his feet from his place next to Eren as they watched some movie he'd already forgotten the name of.

"Okay," Eren murmured. He watched Levi shuffle down the hallway, hands stuffed into his pockets and his shoulders hunched. He practically radiated guilt; Eren hated the fact that he was helpless against it.

He had a slight inkling that Levi might just shoot up again while in there, but it was quickly shot down in remembering he shattered his only syringe.

Now in his own company, Eren attempted to focus his attention back to the movie but was for the most part unsuccessful. Something nagged at the back of his mind, perhaps instinct or simply a disturbing feeling. But no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, it remained relentless. With each audible tick of the clock, the feeling grew stronger and soon the minute hand had nearly made a full revolution without so much as a peep from the bathroom.

A feeling of something along the lines of terrible déjà vu swept over him, dizzying him. Swallowing hard, he moved to his feet and strode soundlessly down the hallway, begging and praying to the universe that he was just being paranoid, just haunted by memories and feelings from the past when...

Swallowing hard again, he murmured into the closed door. "Levi?"

No response. He spoke the name a little louder, still nothing. Tried the knob. Locked.

His stomach churned and his eyes stung with fearful tears.

'This isn't happening...this isn't happening...wake up, just wake up...'

He drew a breath in through his nose and held it in, reaching up to skim his fingertips across the top of the door frame. Sure enough, there was the key - the same place they kept it at his house.

Gently, he pressed his ear to the cool wood, hoping for some small sound to reassure him coming from the inside.

There was none.

'I'll open the door and he'll be fine. This isn't the same...'

No matter what he told himself, he couldn't shake the feeling that it was the same. Eerily similar. Again his mind reminded him of the similarity between him and his mother in this kind of situation; this only amplified his anxiety tenfold.

Slowly, he stuck the key into the lock and twisted. The door eased open; light flooded out and illuminated his face. His heart pounded relentlessly against his ribs and he continued to hold the air in his lungs as the door swung all the way open.

****Trigger Warning****

Levi was not on the floor against the side of the bathtub as Eren half expected. Instead, he was inside of it, the curtain half drawn, his head lolling to the side on his limp arm, resting on the side of the tub. The water concealing most of his body was tinted a rusty color that had Eren's throat closing.

He rushed in and shoved the curtain to the side, shouting Levi's name as the first tears spilled down his cheeks. Levi's lashes only fluttered slightly. There was still life in his body; the blood came from what appeared to be a large gash in Levi's inner forearm. Thick, hot, red liquid dripped from it, down the side of the tub, and into the water. Swiftly, Eren reached behind him and yanked a good portion of toilet paper off the roll to ball it up and press it to the bleeding arm.

"Levi, dammit, wake up," Eren practically begged, pressing his hand to the raven's hot forehead.

At the sound of Eren's voice, Levi's lashes fluttered once more and a nearly inaudible whimper sounded from his pale lips.

"Eren..." he breathed.

"God, Levi, you're so st-stupid..." the teen blubbered, his lips replacing his hand on Levi's burning forehead.

"Sorry..."

"Shut up..."

Forcing himself to pull together, Eren reached over and flipped the drain plug lever into the down position. The bloody water immediately began to swirl down as Eren reached for a wash cloth to wipe the residue from Levi's grayish skin with. The tears never subsided, though he was much too busy with the sickening, horrifying sight of Levi's body to care.

He was much, much too skinny. Each and every one of his ribs was prominent beneath semi-tattooed skin. His collarbones stuck out unnaturally and his chest rose and fell unevenly with each labored breath dragged into his sore lungs. His hipbones jutted out, as well, distorting the intricate tattoo of a gnarled tree twisting up from it to his ribs just beneath his arm on the left side. The roses stretching from neck to shoulder to collarbone were extensively bright against his pallid skin and had strangely the same hue as the liquid dripping from his left arm.

Eren gently ran the cloth over the entirety of Levi's body, taking note of his tattoos as a distraction while he did so. For some reason, the art kept him sane and calm enough to carry out this task.

An indigo dragon hugging the outer part of his left calf. What looked like overlapping wings over a shield on his upper right arm. An intricate pattern of swirls on his outer right thigh. The roses. The tree.

The whole time, he was murmuring reassurances. Whether or not they were for himself or Levi - who was swimming in and out of consciousness - or both, he did not know.

"I'm gonna lift you out of there now," he murmured, yanking a towel from the rack and wrapping it around Levi's bony shoulders. With no response, he proceeded to slide his arms beneath Levi's frail form, one beneath his knees and the other around his shoulders. He was much easier to lift than he should've been. His limbs fell slack; Eren made it a point to support his head as he propped him against the side of the tub on the outside.

Again, Levi's lashes flickered open just enough to be able to gaze up at Eren. His lips twitched and he mouthed a word the teen was unable to read.

"Sshh..." Eren murmured. He turned his attention to the mess of toilet paper pressed to Levi's arm. It was almost completely soaked through. Just as he pulled it away, Levi fell unconscious again and he worked on pushing his emotions aside so he could treat whatever the hell happened to his arm.

Holding in another deep breath, he disposed of the toilet paper and, as gently as possible, went over the cuts with the damp washcloth. He wanted to throw up when he saw it was a single word carved into Levi's skin:

**MONSTER**

Something between a sob and a hiccup escaped his throat. His body seemed to go on autopilot while his mind reeled with emotions. Physically, he was acting quickly - pulling the peroxide and bandages from the cabinet above the sink, cleaning off the cuts that weren't all that deep but were unnerving nonetheless and bandaging them, using several layers just to be safe - while his emotions scattered around like lost children.

****End Trigger Warning****

Slowly, carefully, gently, he bundled Levi's body up in the towel as best he could once the bandages were in place and lifted him again. Tears dripping from his chin and down his neck soaked into the towel as he cradled the artist's delicate body close to his chest, making it a point to keep his head supported with his shoulder. He could feel Levi's hot skin even through his shirt and despite having been dried off of the bath water, his skin remained damp with the sweat seeping from his pores.

Carefully, Eren made his way into the bedroom and laid Levi on top of the comforter. The man didn't so much as stir, even as Eren covered him from the waist down with one of the blankets folded at the foot of the bed, nor when he crawled up next to him and took hold of his hand or brushed his hair back with his opposite hand.

"Wake up," he begged quietly under his breath. "Please..."

~*~

Levi felt like he was floating in some unknown part of the universe. It was black, black, black. Nothing seemed to hurt anymore, but he was surrounded by nothing, and that was even more terrifying. He couldn't really feel his body; he wasn't even entirely sure he still had one.

'Is this what death feels like...?' he mused. 'I'm disappointed.'

But then he heard that familiar voice, filled with panic and much rougher than normal, calling his name. He began swimming in and out of the darkness, vaguely aware of what happened when he was out of it.

He remembered the bright eyes, filled with tears. That left a pang. He remembered feeling something cool and incredibly soft on his forehead. He remembered being called stupid and knowing not what to say other than to mutter a weak apology.

But eventually, the darkness pulled him back under and did not subside for what felt like an eternity.

When it did, the stinging was the first thing to register and he felt impossibly heavy. He'd found his body again, and he suddenly remembered dismantling a razor to get the blade out...watching the blood well up as he carved a single word into his arm...

This was enough to get him to locate his eyelids and peel them open with what felt like a herculean effort. The world seemed a blur until the flickering light of a TV became apparent and allowed him to make out the ceiling fan. An involuntary groan escaped his lips from the throbbing of his arm, the burning of his lungs, all of the familiar aches of withdrawal...

"You're awake..." came the breath to his left; his eyes flickered to find the source.

Sure enough, there Eren sat, puffy-eyed and tear-streaked. He felt the pang again at the heart shattering sight that was the teenager. He managed to find words to push past his flaming throat.

"I'm sorry, brat...you shouldn't have had to see me like that. Guess I really am a monster..."

"Shut up," Eren mumbled, more tears escaping down his stunningly rosy cheeks. His hand tightened around Levi's. "Y-you scared me to death, you know that?! It felt just like when my dad died..." His Adam's apple bobbed as he tried to swallow past the thickness of his throat. "...but this was worse...so much worse..." His head descended until his forehead landed directly over the spot Levi's uneven heartbeat was visible inside his bony chest. His entire frame shook and his hand tightened painfully around the raven's, but he made no complaint.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered again, lifting his hand to run gently through those soft, chocolate locks in an attempt at comfort. "I can't seem to stop hurting you..."

"You're not a monster," Eren said with a sniffle. "I know how it is...to feel like you deserve pain so you inflict it upon yourself...I know. You don't keep hurting me...I just keep failing you."

"I swear to god, Eren, if you keep trying to pin all the blame on yourself..." He squeezed his eyes shut.

Eren sat up slightly and ran his fingers over the bandage around Levi's arm. "I'm supposed to be preventing things like this."

"That doesn't make it your fault."

Eren cast his gaze over to meet Levi's. His eyes swirled with fear, relief, and guilt. Levi's eyes slammed shut again, unable to behold the sight.

"Don't look at me like that," he mumbled.

"I'm sorry, I just-"

"Don't apologize, either."

An audible snap sounded as Eren's teeth clamped together. If he couldn't apologize, he had nothing else to say.

The war inside Levi's heart raged on, between his burning need for the monster and his gently glowing love for this bratty, idiotic, reckless, beautiful teenager. Suddenly, the tables had turned in favor of blue-green eyes, soft hands, and a smooth voice.

The fact that he remained right there by his side, hand in hand with him, was something of a miracle in the mind of the addict. After all he'd had to experience and witness because of Levi's idiotic choices...after constantly being wounded...he still bore that genuinely pure aura around him. It was unfathomable.

Recent words of Eren's echoed in his head.

_'Up until a couple months ago, I've never loved anyone more than her...'_

There was no denying or questioning it now. Eren truly did love him, no matter what way it was in. The fact that he'd been there watching his body deteriorate and his life drain, having sacrificed nearly everything to help him...the fact that even after the things he witnessed in that apartment and refused to give up...the fact that Levi finally cared for someone in a genuine way, as well, and the fact that the someone was Eren himself...

Finally, he was loved. It took twenty-four long, torturous, hellish years...but he was loved, and he _could_ love. The value in him had _finally_ been recognized and acknowledged.

Slowly, subtly, subconsciously, he began accepting Eren's love.

_*~Attempted Recovery Journal Entry #4~*_

_I was such a fool if I thought I could do this on my own. Many things snap into perspective when you're on the brink of death...such as the realization that maybe life_ is _worth it...if you have something real to hold onto..._

_Tch. Two weeks ago I would've gladly slashed my wrists and let myself bleed out if it wasn't for those bright eyes I suddenly can't get enough of..._

_I can't stand to see any more pain in those eyes caused by the likes of myself. And he's much too stubborn to leave on his own. If I want to repent for the things I've done, it will be with him. I'll let him be my salvation...as long as he wants to stick around. I_ refuse _to hurt him anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, please don't hunt me down and kill me >.


	31. *~Chapter Thirty~*

"I'm gonna go get you something to eat," Eren mumbled, sitting all the way up and rubbing a hand across his damp face. His eyes were beginning to hurt and throb after crying so much; he needed a minute to compose himself. He started to crawl off the bed when the tug of Levi's hand stopped him. "What's wrong?" he asked, turning. Levi studied him with narrow eyes before shaking his head and murmuring a small "nothing".

Eren gave his hand a final, gentle squeeze before sliding off the bed and disappearing out the door. He wandered to the kitchen, taking the opportunity to compose himself. As he searched around the kitchen for something to eat, he couldn't help but notice the dark cloud that seemed to be following him around. It stirred up his inner demons, made them restless, even as he tried to ignore them by focusing on heating up a can of soup. Unsurprisingly, however, they persisted, conjuring familiar, negative thoughts.

Levi could have died, bled out if he he'd waited a second later. If he'd acted on instinct in the first place, this wouldn't have happened at all. And now Levi's body was deficient of _blood_ on top of everything else.

"You're an incompetent idiot," his demons snarled. "He's going to die because you don't know what the hell you're doing. It'll be _your_ fault. You're gonna _kill_ him."

Eren's teeth seized his bottom lip and he forced himself to focus on the stirring of the soup. Once he felt it was warm enough, he poured it into a bowl and set it on a tray alongside a spoon, a napkin, and a cup of tea. He balanced the tray in one hand while he moved to the living room to retrieve his phone, Levi's sketchbook, and the CD before carrying it all back to the bedroom where he flipped the light on. Levi sat in virtually the same spot, though he'd gotten dressed into a dark gray muscle shirt and a pair of plaid sweats.

"Here," Eren said, carefully setting the tray in his lap.

"Chicken noodle? Really?" Levi asked, eyeing the bowl.

Eren's half-grin was semi-forced. "It's great for reducing fevers."

"Tch. I don't have a fever."

"I beg to differ."

Levi's eyes narrowed. "So do I."

"Mind if I check?"

Scowling, Levi muttered, "Whatever."

Eren leaned forward and his lips were descending to connect gently to the side of Levi's forehead not covered by his hair. He didn't miss the light, quick intake of air into Levi's lungs, nor the tingle in his own lips from the contact.

"You're really burning up..." he murmured, brows knitting together.

"So you're still gonna make me eat this," mumbled Levi.

"Please." Eren sunk down on to the bed in front of Levi and pulled his legs up to face the man, crossing them in the process.

The raven continued to eye the contents of the bowl. Admittedly, it smelled pretty good, but he remained cautious for the fear that his stomach would immediately reject it. Deciding to humor the brunet some more, Levi plucked up the spoon and dipped it into the liquid before holding it to his lips and taking a subtle sip. Impressively, it was the perfect temperature and, surprisingly, it tasted as good as it smelled. He took tentative little sips while avoiding the solid parts, seeing as that was generally what his stomach couldn't handle.

"Good?" Eren asked. His face had softened into a subtle smirk as he watched.

"I guess," Levi muttered. He then realized what Eren held in his lap and raised a pierced brow. "What are you doing with that?"

Eren followed his gaze to the sketchbook. "I was...uh...kinda hoping you'd...let me look through it..." he mumbled, shifting his eyes around.

Levi pretended to consider for a minute before murmuring a soft "alright".

Eren's eyes lit up like a kid's in a candy store as he flipped open the front cover. Levi resisted the urge to "tch" and went back to his soup, all the while keeping a close eye on the other for his reactions.

The first drawing was an openmouthed skull with a vine and wilting roses wrapped around it. The next few were similar; the vibe thrown off definitely shouted Levi.

"Those are mostly commissions," the raven commented.

"They're incredible," Eren whispered in awe.

"Hn..."

Eren continued flipping through. The art became progressively darker as it went. Some colored, some not. Quickly, they became almost disturbing...until he made it to what had to be the dead center of the sketchbook. Unlike many of the previous ones, the page remained nearly blank. The exception was a pair of eyes, so familiar, staring at him from the center of the page. Framed by thick lashes, they were a blend of greens and blues; shiny, lively, lustrous

Slowly, Eren's hand lifted to gently touch just beneath his own eye as the realization of Levi's inspiration for this settled in.

"These are mine..."

"You're quick on the uptake," muttered Levi, setting his tray aside and plucking the cup of tea from it.

"But why did you...?" Eren finally tore his gaze from the page to look at Levi.

"I tend to draw things I'm fond of," the artist replied softly, keeping his eyes on the page. "They're not quite right, though." His irises flicked back and forth between the drawing and the real thing, studying the differences and coming to the conclusion that nothing he ever could've put on that page would measure up to Eren's endless pools of liquid turquoise.

"I think they're better," countered the teen.

Levi merely clicked his tongue before sipping at his tea. Eren went back to the sketchbook. The date at the top corner caught his eye.

January 3rd.

Only a little under two weeks after Christmas...after everything went down between the two of them in front of Eren's house. By the time he found the inspiration to translate his perception of Eren's eyes onto a page with colored pencils, he must've already been in agony...

_"...those stupid, beautiful eyes of yours are compelling me to tell you."_

_"...as soon as I imagine those stupid, beautiful, disgustingly genuine eyes of yours, I regret it..."_

Eren was in awe, flattered by Levi's fondness for something about himself he never thought to be extraordinary in the least.

Tucking that knowledge away in his mind, he continued on his journey through the raven's sketchbook. The next piece was the one about the crack of sunlight, and behind it lay several blank pages before the sketch he'd used an entire stick of charcoal on, where the lines were indented into the page. It was smeared with fingerprints and streaks where his tears left trails. The image of his frantic sketching flashed in Eren's head as he remembered Levi's trembling, fervent hand press the crumbling black stick into the page.

It was a face. A woman's face. Her expression was impassive, but she bore a resemblance to Levi himself - dark hair and narrow eyes.

Upon seeing it, Levi immediately stiffened and his knees came up. Eren frowned and met his eyes.

"Is...is this your mother?" he asked quietly.

Levi gave the tiniest of nods in answer. A thousand questions swam through Eren's mind about the woman in this drawing...all of which he refrained from asking, knowing it pained the man to speak of her whether he admitted it or not. The mere way he reacted by seeing the image showed Eren a lot. He must've cared for her more than he'd let on in the past. He had drawn her, after all...

Saying nothing, the teen shut the sketchbook and leaned over to place it on the corner of the dresser. That was when Levi's coughing started back up. His legs fell limp once more and he only really had the strength to cover his mouth with his elbow. Eren easily pried the tea cup from his fingers before it spilled and set it aside. His body doubled over and his head once again created a makeshift pillow of Eren's steady shoulder. By the simple touch of his hand on Levi's bony back, the brunet could feel each shudder rocking through his weak bones and the absolute struggle it took him just to breathe. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling helpless. Gradually, Levi's retches subsided and were replaced by small whimpers as his fingers weakly grasped the front of Eren's shirt.

"Come on," Eren coaxed softly. "You need to lay down."

The raven indicated the CD first. "Play it," he rasped in what was left of his voice. Eren complied, swiftly opening the case and sliding the disc into the DVD player next to the TV on the dresser. He switched the settings and tapped the play icon before skipping ahead to the song they'd left off on in the car. He then moved back toward the pillows and opened his arms to the raven, who willingly moved into them. They laid back, Levi tucking his head under Eren's chin and curling into his side. Compared to his abnormally hot skin, Eren felt cool. The brunet kept an arm securely around his shoulders, gently rubbing the upper half of his arm while their free hands laced together on his stomach. It was almost strangely comfortable lying like that. Content. Still, they were both hyperaware of the closeness, the borderline intimacy between them. Eren was sure Levi could hear the pounding of his heart with his ear pressed to his collarbone. His stomach fluttered with butterflies and in order to attempt to calm the nerves - though he admittedly didn't mind them, being in this way - he focused on the last few songs to play on the CD.

Levi could, indeed, hear the steady rhythm of Eren's heart. Between that and the music, he was more relaxed than he'd been in what felt like ages. He felt he could stay there forever, wrapped in the embrace of the most important thing in his life. It was still strange, still foreign and still admittedly frightening, but he never trusted someone so much, never let himself get close enough to trust. His fear of losing Eren remained stronger than ever, of Eren opening his damn eyes and leaving once he realized how much of an idiot he was for staying there...but if it was this bratty, idiotic, adorable, incredible, shitty, beautiful teenager who would hurt him, he would accept it and be grateful. He felt no need to protect himself against Eren, no matter what his intentions turned out to be. The last few weeks of his life were both the best and worst and because of Eren, he wouldn't trade it for absolutely _anything_...aside from perhaps permanently and completely mending the wounds on Eren's soul.

Something changed in the atmosphere as the last song began, and Eren allowed himself to sing along.

_"I stared up at the sun, thought of all of the people, places, and things I've loved..."_

His voice was almost sickeningly melodic, perfectly matching each pitch. Levi's stigmatized heart picked up the pace, faster and more even than he'd felt it go in years. His fingers tightened around Eren's hand, chest feeling tight but fluttery at the same time.

_"I stared up just to see, that of all of the faces, you were the one next to me."_

Jaw clenching, he tensed. He could hear and feel those words and their meaning down to his very bones.

_"You can feel the light start to tremble, watching what you know out to see; you can see your life out the window tonight..._

_If I lose myself tonight, it'll be by your side, I lose myself tonight...if I lose myself tonight, it'll be you and I..."_

Levi's eyes widened so far the air bit at them; he stared blankly ahead, letting the lyrics sink in. The fact that Eren was singing them only served to give them that much more meaning. They slithered into his head, his veins, his soul and ripped him apart only for Eren's sweet, raspy, heartbreakingly beautiful voice to put him back together. Every note, every beat, every word, every miniscule piece of the song pierced him, changing him, speaking to him, breathing life into his body that for so long had been dead in so many ways for so many years.

For the first time, he _felt_ something he was finally certain was completely and utterly real, generated by his own hormones from his own brain rather than from artificial chemicals telling him what to feel and how to act. This was all by his very own - caused solely by the melodic vibrations sounding harmoniously from beneath his ear. It felt _amazing_. It felt _free_.

_"Take us down and we keep trying, forty thousand feet, keep flying..."_

He moved just enough - ignoring the ache in his muscles and the burning of his insides - to bury his now wet face in Eren's chest. He felt himself trembling in a way that had nothing to do with withdrawals.

"Levi?" came Eren's soft voice, his warm hand being placed on the back of the man's head.

Levi lifted his head to look the teen straight in the eyes. When he spoke, his words were no more than a whisper.

"I'm ready, Eren."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this, my friends, is the last chapter of part one. Part two will be posted in a week~ :3 As always, let me know what you think ♥


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